Secret vs. Private

I met a man in an online professional's group in the fall of 2015. We just inboxed and called one another here and there. Then in summer 2016 we began talking everyday and grew closer. He lives in the state next to mine. In January 2017 I visited him, he came to me in June 2017, I went to him in July 2017 and again in December 2017/January 2018. We talk every single day and I can count on both hands the number of times we have gone a day without communicating. We actually talk more than text. Last summer when I was there with him we talked and decided we do consider ourselves in a relationship and have exchanged "I Love You" regularly since that time. Because of how we met, and the nature of social media, a few of our friends (and my family) know we are dating but we haven't made any type of reference to that on social media in a year and a half of dating. I don't mind that because I don't think it's necessary to put every single detail about my relationship on social media. He also is not very fond of putting his personal business on social media either.

On Valentine's Day I text him this 3 picture collage I made of us and he sent a beautiful gift to my job. Later that afternoon I decided to post the collage on my page with the words, "Happy Valentine's Day. I love you and our moments together". This was my first reference of us as a couple on social media. I didn't think it would be a big deal because it's Valentine's Day and we've been dating for over a year now. Because I wrote his name in the post, the collage ended up going on his page as well (but I didn't realize that at the time). He felt as though we should have talked about it first and that I was being inconsiderate of his feelings because I know how he doesn't like to publicize his personal business on social media. He thinks this is about privacy and respect. I, however, think that what I posted was not revealing (other than we're dating) and didn't offer specific details about our relationship. He deleted the post off of his page as a result.

We're still a little estranged because of the fall out. I feel as though he's blurring the lines of private into secret and I told him I am not interested in a secret relationship where I feel I can NEVER reference it, especially considering how long we've been together. Am I in the wrong here?

I agree with him, I’m sorry to say.

Posting personal stuff on social media is narcissistic at worst, careless at best. Plus the fact that he’s made it clear to you that he doesn’t want his personal life splashed all over Facebook.

Apologize to him. Now.

I agree with him, I’m sorry to say.

 

Posting personal stuff on social media is narcissistic at worst, careless at best. Plus the fact that he’s made it clear to you that he doesn’t want his personal life splashed all over Facebook.

 

Apologize to him. Now.

I did apologize that he felt exposed and uncomfortable by the post and that I could have asked him first. At the same time I assumed it was ok because it wasn't a random day, it was Valentine's Day. *sigh*

Just take it down and untag him. Next time do not mention someone's name or use their image on your social media without explicit permission (not implied assumptions such as but we were dating over a year, etc.)

Apologize and take it down. You knew he doesn't like that type of thing. He's absolutely right. You didn't respect things you knew about him and instead did what you wanted to do, dragging his name into it.

He felt as though we should have talked about it first and that I was being inconsiderate of his feelings because I know how he doesn't like to publicize his personal business on social media. He thinks this is about privacy and respect.

I did apologize that he felt exposed and uncomfortable by the post and that I could have asked him first. At the same time I assumed it was ok because it wasn't a random day, it was Valentine's Day. *sigh*

He's been pretty clear with you about his desires. Have you been clear about yours? Do you need to have a relationship that you can show on social media? Is he ever going to be up for being out about your relationship?

There is only one reason to ever hide relationship status from the world and it's not being a private person.....

He's been pretty clear with you about his desires. Have you been clear about yours? Do you need to have a relationship that you can show on social media? Is he ever going to be up for being out about your relationship?

I haven't communicated that I don't want to not be able to ever reference him on social media. My communication did suck in that moment and so I'll own that. I will take it down but I'm just waiting for a few days so it's not as obvious that there was "drama" associated with it (I told him that also). He and I are going to have a conversation about how we proceed after this. I know neither one of us feel great about us at all right now.

There is only one reason to ever hide relationship status from the world and it's not being a private person.....

This crossed my mind as well....

Given his feelings about social media, it was disrespectful to post pictures and tag him without discussing it with him first. Just because it isn't splashed across social media doesn't mean the relationship is a secret. Have you met each other's family and friends? Do you go out in public together? Been on holiday / spent holidays / weekends together?

Sure I might be suspect of someone that adamantly refused to ever have pictures of us together on social media if other aspects of the relationship were off... if everything else was on the up and up I wouldn't be too concerned about it. And it doesn't even sound like he is refusing to ever put pictures, just that he wants you to discuss it with him first.

This crossed my mind as well....

I'm a pretty private person and don't post on FB. However, if my bf posted a cute pic of us and tagged us as a couple, I wouldn't get angry and immediately rush to untag and remove the info. In reality, there is nothing to hide here and everyone that matters knows we are dating anyway. His angry reaction and rushing to remove all evidence....quite frankly is rather telling of something else going on here. Not sure what you'll get out of talking with him, I wouldn't expect any tearful confession. People who are shady aren't going to own up to being shady. In fact quite the opposite, he is liable to try hard to turn this around on you as you doing something horribly wrong and inappropriate.

Bottom line is that you are in separate states and despite all the talking, you've only met a handful of times. You don't really know him and what is really going on in his life - only what he chooses to share with you, which may be highly selective.

Given his feelings about social media, it was disrespectful to post pictures and tag him without discussing it with him first. Just because it isn't splashed across social media doesn't mean the relationship is a secret. Have you met each other's family and friends? Do you go out in public together? Been on holiday / spent holidays / weekends together?

 

Sure I might be suspect of someone that adamantly refused to ever have pictures of us together on social media if other aspects of the relationship were off... if everything else was on the up and up I wouldn't be too concerned about it. And it doesn't even sound like he is refusing to ever put pictures, just that he wants you to discuss it with him first.

We go out in public, but keep in mind, we have only been in one another's presence 4 times over the course of a year and a half. That's usually for a week each time and have attended church services together. We have not met one another's friends or family yet either. My friends and family know I am dating him (and have seen pictures of us together not posted on social media). He says that he has mentioned me to his close friends (about 5 people who do not live in his city that he keeps in touch with) but I have no way of knowing if that's true as I've never met or talked to them. Back in November he did admit he hasn't mentioned me to his mom or sister because he "doesn't like them in his business".

I'm a pretty private person and don't post on FB. However, if my bf posted a cute pic of us and tagged us as a couple, I wouldn't get angry and immediately rush to untag and remove the info. In reality, there is nothing to hide here and everyone that matters knows we are dating anyway. His angry reaction and rushing to remove all evidence....quite frankly is rather telling of something else going on here. Not sure what you'll get out of talking with him, I wouldn't expect any tearful confession. People who are shady aren't going to own up to being shady. In fact quite the opposite, he is liable to try hard to turn this around on you as you doing something horribly wrong and inappropriate.

 

Bottom line is that you are in separate states and despite all the talking, you've only met a handful of times. You don't really know him and what is really going on in his life - only what he chooses to share with you, which may be highly selective.

These are all valid points. People can cheat locally let alone long distance. That's why his reaction really surprised me. I told him I would like some space for a couple days and will call him.

My friend once dated a guy for a whole year, and were never Facebook friends. Turns out he was married with kids. After a year and half, if you can't even reference something personal on a personal facebook page, then yeah, something is wrong - you are a secret.

Are you two exclusive? You've spent about a month in person together over a year and a half - after dating for a month I can see where he doesn't want to publicize your dating relationship. I think he over reacted a bit but only a bit. I can relate to his reaction and concerns and I'm glad you explained to him that you didn't know it would be on his personal page.

What did he do for you/send you for Vday? He may think of this as much more casual than you do. Someone he's hung out with 4 times but doesn't consider it the kind of relationship you may have. How far apart are you? Has he explicitly stated that you are exclusive? He already removed the post from his page, so you don't have to do anything. At some level he realized your "gift" was for yourself, not him.

I told him I would like some space for a couple days and will call him.

Options:

1. He's obsessed with his privacy for non-awful reasons.

2. He's obsessed with his privacy because (any, some, or all):

--married

--has girlfriend(s)

--has boyfriend(s)

--International spy

--criminal

--is a "celibate" priest?

-- ??)

There is only one reason to ever hide relationship status from the world and it's not being a private person.....

I am a very private person and I think blasting private matters on FB is disrespectful to my relationship.

I would have responded similarly.

It has nothing to do with infidelity. I have never even had anything close to what someone could call an inappropriate relationship while I was with another person.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't impossible he is hiding something.

But assuming that instantly seems silly.

I do see it as an incompatibility with you two that needs to be addressed if you continue to be with each other.

My wife had no issues with me being that way because she thinks social media is also showy bullsh*t.

What did he do for you/send you for Vday? He may think of this as much more casual than you do. Someone he's hung out with 4 times but doesn't consider it the kind of relationship you may have. How far apart are you? Has he explicitly stated that you are exclusive? He already removed the post from his page, so you don't have to do anything. At some level he realized your "gift" was for yourself, not him.

No last summer we had a discussion about actually being in a relationship with one another and have regularly exchanged "I Love You" since that time. Also, for Valentine's Day his gift was an edible arrangement with a bear and "I Love You" balloon and a card that referenced me as "his heartbeat". So.....this is not a platonic situation.

I honestly think this is bull.

 

I am a very private person and I think blasting private matters on FB is disrespectful to my relationship.

 

I would have responded similarly.

 

It has nothing to do with infidelity. I have never even had anything close to what someone could call an inappropriate relationship while I was with another person.

 

Don't get me wrong, it isn't impossible he is hiding something.

 

But assuming that instantly seems silly.

 

I do see it as an incompatibility with you two that needs to be addressed if you continue to be with each other.

 

My wife had no issues with me being that way because she thinks social media is also showy bullsh*t.

You do have a valid point about just showing off for social media. I guess my view is an excessive amount of showing off vs. 1 post on a holiday that references my s/o but he and I apparently differ in that regard. Maybe we'll be able to resolve it, maybe we won't....

Are you two exclusive? You've spent about a month in person together over a year and a half - after dating for a month I can see where he doesn't want to publicize your dating relationship. I think he over reacted a bit but only a bit. I can relate to his reaction and concerns and I'm glad you explained to him that you didn't know it would be on his personal page.

Last summer we specifically discussed and agreed on exclusivity. We talk on the phone or FaceTime every single day (for hours until we fall asleep at night after work). This has been the case for a year and a half.

My friend once dated a guy for a whole year, and were never Facebook friends. Turns out he was married with kids. After a year and half, if you can't even reference something personal on a personal facebook page, then yeah, something is wrong - you are a secret.

*sigh* that's why I told him I would like some space for a couple of days to think. This doesn't sit well with me...

And you texted him pictures of you two and then posted it on social media? Maybe he's hurt as well as disappointed and as Alchemist points out above, plastering personal business on social media is not for everyone, you knew this yet did it anyway...for yourself to impress your friends. Why not believe what's in front of you rather than the conspiracy theories. He does all this thoughtfulness for you, you text him some lame pics, plaster them on your social media and now he's cheating...wow.:nightmare:

Nfor Valentine's Day his gift was an edible arrangement with a bear and "I Love You" balloon and a card that referenced me as "his heartbeat".

And you texted him pictures of you two and then posted it on social media? Maybe he's hurt as well as disappointed and as alchemist points out, plastering personal business on social media is not for everyone, you knew this yet did it anyway...for yourself to impress your friends. Why not believe what's in front of you rather than the conspiracy theories. He does all this thoughtfulness for you, you text him some lame pics, plaster them on your social media and now he's cheating...wow.

LMAO at "text him some lame pics and now he's cheating". I don't really think that's the case because of how much we are on the phone everyday/all the time. As far as privacy, he pretty much posts about everything else in his life, except his relationship. Granted, I don't like to put my business out there either (and I don't) but apparently I made an error in thinking I could share my happiness 1 time on social media. I realize now that I don't want the type of relationship where I NEVER mention anything. But again, our communication was lacking here.

So, I take it if he can't take one post where you two are connected, how does he feel about standing up in the front of a room with friends and family marrying you? If that ever happened, and people tag him in his wedding photos, will he untag himself then too?

There's a huge difference between getting tagged with endless announcements about what you are doing and eating, and with whom, and tagging him as a thank you for a wonderful gesture. I am very picky about who I friend on my facebook page. I am actually friends with those people, or have had a great friendship with them over the years at one point. I don't hide my kids or my husband. In fact, plenty of pics I share with friends.

I think you owe it to yourself to take a look at his page. Does it include pics of anybody other than himself? Does he post anything? There is something wrong with how dramatic he is being. If he doesn't want anyone knowing about his personal business online, then why in the world does he have a Facebook page? Does he only use it for business? He can turn off the option that lets others tag him.

You do have a valid point about just showing off for social media. I guess my view is an excessive amount of showing off vs. 1 post on a holiday that references my s/o but he and I apparently differ in that regard. Maybe we'll be able to resolve it, maybe we won't....

I will say that my dislike of "showiness" in a relationship is evident in a lot more examples than FB.

Not a big pda fan either.