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Thread: Alcoholic abusive husband and In Laws - Need Advice re upcoming event

  1. #1

    Alcoholic abusive husband and In Laws - Need Advice re upcoming event

    Shorter story:
    My alcoholic and abusive husband (both of us are in our 30s), in a fit of alcoholic anger, left and went to a hotel room and called his family (his parents and all his siblings and even his brother's wife, who he's only met once) to air out all our dirty laundry. A lot of what he told them were patent lies and the others were exaggerations. His family has never liked me and encouraged him to leave me. They even told him that I caused him to drink and left him no choice. I feel completely betrayed. He neglected to tell them that he abused me (the worst form of verbal abuse) and that I have been dealing with his alcoholism patiently for years. They had pretended to be like my family (his mom would get upset if I didn't call her a variation of "mom") but didn't even care to call me and hear my side of things after he did this. They just believed his side, despite knowing that he has anger issues (He's had major anger management problems since he was a child and he's told me several examples of it) and is extremely sensitive. He failed to tell them he's emotionally abusive and has called me every name in the book, threatened my life, etc.. oh and threatened to leave me several times daily. They instead encouraged him to leave me. They have enabled him for years. They never call him out on his poor behavior.

    He came back from the hotel a few days later and wanted to work on things and go back to marriage counseling and promised not to drink. We (along with his entire family) had previously been invited to his family member's birthday party, which is coming up soon, but after what he said about me, his father uninvited me from the party. My husband is still planning to go. I haven't told him not to, but I am deeply hurt by his betrayal of the personal and intimate details of our marriage to his family, who never cared for me. I'm also upset over the fact he has never stood up for me to his family (they have been rude to me from the beginning, despite my trying, And have only faked being like family when it suited them). I haven't ask him not to go to this party, but I really wish he wouldn't. He could always see his family the following week and take that family member out to an intimate dinner (I wouldn't go to that either, but at least I won't be excluded / uninvited from a large family event that he's going to). We are going to marriage counseling to try to fix this (He promised he won't drink anymore and that he'll work on his extreme anger issues and I promised I'd work with him as well), but in the short term, I am hurt that he's going to stand by while his father uninvited me from a party (I'm sure his father loves that he can do this, as he's always hated me).

    For the longer version of the story, see below:


    Long story:
    My marriage is failing and we haven't even been married 2 years (this year will make it 2 years since we got married). My husband is an alcoholic. He always has drank a lot and his family has a history of alcoholism, but he didn't admit to it until about 6 months after our wedding. We lived together for a year before getting married and while he drank a lot then and before that, he didn't generally act out because of alcohol (at least not in front of me, though now that I think about it, he was pretty mean when he drank at the beginning of our relationship). Around the time we got married, he started acting very strange whenever I saw him after he was home alone. He would slur his words, stumble, say delusional things, and become very, very mean. He vehemently denied that he had been drinking when I asked him and he got really upset that I'd even suggest that. He was not himself at all. We even went to marriage counseling during this time, but he would not admit to our counselor that he was drinking. He also saw a psychiatrist and got on anti-depression meds.

    This continued for several months into our marriage until one day, in fall 2016, he admitted to having been drinking and acknowledged he's an alcoholic with a problem. He admitted it because he was having withdrawal symptoms (shaky and clammy hands) after a night of binge drinking. He went to outpatient rehab and AA meetings and was sober for a few months before relapsing in early 2017. He kept drinking to excess (upwards of 18 shots of hard liquor in a weekend) and tried sobriety once more and then failed within a week. I was so desperate that I called his parents because I wanted them to help him. They seemed supportive at first and said I didn't cause it, couldn't cure it, couldn't control it (the Al Anon mantra). They even planned an intervention but bailed on that at the last minute. In spring 2017, I had to take him to urgent care and the ER because of his alcohol withdrawals. He vowed to get sober and went to AA meetings and actually stayed sober for 5 months. He relapsed in fall 2017 and he drank to excess every single time I was out of the house and he was alone. He drank about 5 shots per sitting and he would mix the shots of liquor with energy drinks (I can never look at energy drinks the same way again).

    He's called me every name in the book - ugly, stupid, evil, monster, worst person ever, idiot, disgusting. He's threatened to leave me several times a day. He's even said the world would be better without me. He's said this both sober and drunk. He's said he wishes he nevet met me and that I'm worthless. He's said he's already dreamt of the future when he leaves me and is with someone else. He's blamed me for all his issues. When he was angry while driving a car (He hates driving and is very sensitive and angry), he even threatened to throw me out of the moving car, And another time threatened to bash my skull in and leave me to die on the side of the road.

    I have a ton of trust issues because I was cheated on previously (not by him). I've tried to work on my trust issues over the years, but my husband's alcoholism, verbal abuse (He literally threatens to cheat on me and calls me the ugliest woman in the world when he gets mad at me and is drunk) has made it very difficult. His alcoholism and promises not to drink and relapses also make it extremely difficult to trust him. I've cried myself to sleep and been generally going through hell because of his alcoholism. No one knows what I've gone through. The dashed hopes, the feeling of being a punching bag for his rage, the hopelessness, and getting up each day to face the same things over and over. I'm sure anyone would encourage me to leave, but I love him and don't know how to let go. I want to help him. And I get hopeful whenever he promises to stop drinking.

    Anyway, he got angry at me last week over something he perceived as a trust issue, and left the house to get a hotel (He does that frequently when he's drunk and mad and he goes and drinks even more). Instead of talking about our issues, in a drunken state, he called each and every one of his siblings and parents and trash talked me. He aired all the dirty laundry of our marriage to them. He told them complete lies like I was cutting him off from his family (Totally a lie - I specifically reached out to his parents to help him with his alcoholism and he visited them without me just the weekend prior). He told them I didn't let him have friends (also totally a lie - historically, he has never had many friends and the ones he did have moved away. I've constantly tried to encourage him to make friends but he's always too tired and too drunk). He also told them about my trust issues. He trash talked me and dragged me through the mud with them. He even trash talked me and talked for hours on the phone with our new sister in law (his brother's wife) who we've only met one time.

    He stayed away for 3 days at the hotel. The whole time I was in limbo. He came back and promised to make it work and promised to not drink anymore and said we could work on it and go to marriage counseling again, etc.

    He told me how he trash talked me to his family. I felt completely betrayed. Like the way I felt about having been cheated on in the past. How could he share all these intimate details about us to his family, who had never seemed to like or accept me? How could he spend hours trash talking me to his brother's wife, who he doesn't even know? He said his family said he should divorce me. They believed his lies. He didn't even tell them my side of the story - how he has abused me, put me through hell, etc. His family has never seemed to care for me - they're generally fake, ignore me when I visit, have excluded me, etc. I have tried everything to be close with them, including asking his siblings in my bridal party, visiting as often as possible, reminding him to call or send cards to them, getting them gifts, taking time off and canceling another planned trip for his sister's graduation, etc. They never appreciated me or got to know me.

    We were invited to his family member's birthday this month and the entire family (immediate, extended, etc) will be there, but his father uninvited me after my husband went on his drunken rant. My husband and I have a lot to work on and maybe this time he'll stay sober and actually commit to working on things, but I feel so betrayed that he betrayed my confidence and trust to them... And I feel so hurt that his father, who has been rude to me from the start (ignores me, never makes eye contact, asks me super personal and inappropriate questions, shushes me when I speak, etc) uninvited me. And my husband is still going... He doesn't care that he trashed me to his family. He sees how upset I am, and he apologized (maybe half-assedly), but he didn't offer to correct his lies and the misconceptions he presented to them. They all believe his story point blank. They must know about his anger problems and sensitivity issues - they were there during his childhood. How could they just explicitly believe everything he said instead of listening to my side before judging me and the situation?

    Now I feel that I don't want him to go to the birthday party. Everyone will be there and will take photos and I'll be excluded. They'll all probably talk about me. He's never defended me to them even once. I've told him numerous times about how they've made me feel and he doesn't every back me up. I am beyond betrayed. Would it be fair of me to tell him that if he truly was sorry for what he did, he would stick up for his wife and not go to this party that I was uninvited from and that he could always visit his parents another weekend instead when it won't be this huge event that I was explicitly uninvited from? What do I do? (I'm sure I will post more specifically later on about the specific issues of our marriage).

  2. #2
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    I think you have bigger problems than this party. I would leave him - he is an abusive man and further abused you by lying about you.

    He is never going to get sober because he has no motivation to. You will just always take him back no matter how badly he treats you. I would go see an attorney to find out what your rights are. Let him go to the birthday alone and use that time to have some space to think. I would call the abuse counseling hotline. If you feel unsafe, they can provide you with somewhere to stay.

    You are deeply codependent if you are more concerned how things look to other people (how it looks with you not in the photos, what they think of you) vs you are married to a raging alcoholic who is highly abusive. Don't wait until he breaks your jaw or arm or crashes the car. Get out. Now. Does your family know what you are going through?

  3. #3
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    His family has never liked me and encouraged him to leave me.

    I hope for your sake they do encourage him to leave so he will -- and you will be free of this abusive man. Instead of having no choice, find out what your options are so that you are ready and have things taken care of. Also, make copies of your important papers and put them in your purse in case you need to leave in a hurry. Do you have a family member you can leave some clothing and your most prized items at? (old family photos, etc?) or can you get a safe deposit box for them?

  4. #4
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    If you don't love yourself enough to get out of this hell hole, then you need to start learning instead of looking at others for approval.

    This man and this family is not your answer to your prayers.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Alcoholic abusive husband and In Laws
    Why not change this to your alcoholic abusive EX, and your irrelevant EX inlaws?


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