Mid-life crisis doldrums

This is mostly a venting post ... I need an outlet to let things out because I feel I'm holding to much in and I need to air out somethings out in the open to achieve at least SOME catharsis. Keep in mind I'm on the spectrum (aspergers) as you read this rant.

I'm alone far too often ... I do have very few friends but we don't spend too much time with each other ... I don't have a girlfriend or significant other ... I have (nor want) any children ... I have no family that I can depend on ... and I'm so desperate to make something of my life and for a connection with somebody that I'm considering going back to religion after 2 decades of being an atheist. That last part I'm particularly ashamed of because I can't believe supernatural claims are real; I would be call myself a Christian or a Muslim for purely selfish, "I want to feel value and purpose" reasons.

My life feels small. I live in a townhouse with 3 roommates because of all my student/accumulated debt and I don't have any long term plans other than living day-to-day, paycheck-to-paycheck finding what little joy I can playing video games, listening to music and watching TV. I want to go get my masters but I'm stuck right now without the finances or the time to reach this achievement. What's really keeping me going is avidly writing in a journal and some on-the-side fictional writing and worldbuilding I've started doing. But, right now, I'm not that good at it.

Fun thing ... being autistic and going through a mid-life crisis at 35. Things are getting real, my life is feeling empty and I feel like I haven't achieved even 20% of everything I wanted out of life. I do have a job despite it being a low-laying non-profit job at a Christian organization, which itself is demeaning, and I just want to go home, play more video games, write more and, maybe, *maybe*, consider doing something else entirely with my life. But, as stated above, I'm in so much debt and, while I only have a below average credit score, I'm not in any position to start a business or find another means of income. So, that's why I'm stuck here working 8 hour days in an office as a low level employee.

I feel like I'm stuck with no way out in a rut that I couldn't get out of with an industrial-strength pully. Since the beginning of February, I've been losing a little more hope day-by-day. I don't know what to do right now except keep going despite being miserable with the slim chance my life could possibly get better at some point in the future. Even still, I'm getting sadder, angrier, more afraid and I'm losing my faith I'll survive before either breaking down and/or quitting my job. Maybe I'll feel better after this post.

Thanks for reading.

Spiritual growth is not limited to religion or religious organizations.

Find spirituality in the infinity of the universe. The fact that the universe is (probably) necessarily infinite in time and that there are so many ramifications to that, is beautiful. The fact that anything (i.e. the time you're alive) over infinity is zero so life has little real pressure, yet the fact that your life is all you have, so it's infinite in value to you personally, is beautiful and spiritual. The fact that we're conscious despite randomness and composed of lesser organisms and chemicals. Try wrapping your head around that: it means your life is beyond special to you and it means the only pressure you have is to use that gift to make your life great. And therein, you may find the purpose and mysticism you are craving. Maybe not. Works for me, and I'm not religious at all. I just find beauty in infinity, consciousness, and the universe. The mathematics in those concepts proves my purpose to me.

Additionally, you have a need for community and connection with others; yet you do not need to go through religion for that.

Find something you enjoy. For me it's ballroom dance (social and competitive), and DnD. I found friend groups that enjoy things I do, and so we get together one/multiple times a week to do what we enjoy. We practice, learn, compete, and socialize together. Community.

I think you have to narrow things down to accomplishing just one thing at a time. For right now, you've got to get a good job. That should be your sole point of attention. Write your resume, look at jobs in your field on Indeed.com, Craigslist.com, etc. and answer some of them that pay better and gets you some advancement opportunities. You say you're not in a position to find a job. That's because you don't want to work at a real job. Change your attitude. The job market is the best it's been in 9 years. You can find a job and it doesn't cost anything other than a nice suit. Once you get the job, then other things will fall into place, such as starting to pay off your bet, finding a better apartment, etc. Get off your ass and get a job.