A womans mind, man in need, please advise x

Hey guys, I’d like some advice / opinions on my situation.

I split with my ex 6 weeks ago just after Christmas. I was feeling very down, she was down too. I have a few financial problems, I have my own business, but I am not doing well financially, and she wants a child, like very soon. She is 26, I am 34, she feels like she is getting old, I think we have lots of time. I am logical, she’s emotional. We have been together for 6 years, but I have broken up with her a 3/4 times over that time, but we always get back together in the past in a couple of days or weeks, but this time is different, sadly.

I was just very very down, maybe depressed I had some financial problems which have eased, I also have been trying to find a job that pays more money, (and I have an interview tomorrow, and another on Monday) because I want to be financially strong and stable, before having a child, that is my reason for wanting to wait. At Christmas she said that she didn’t get what she wanted for Christmas (meaning a child) I felt awful already, that made me feel worse, that I was dragging her down with me, so I ended it for her so she could move on and have what she wanted.

She didn’t want to go! She begged to stay but eventually left as I was insistent.

I didn’t really want her to go, but I felt I was doing it for the best at the time, (what an idiot).

However we kept in contact, very amicable, still are really, she wanted intimacy twice, which I gave her, which I now regret! I thought we were getting back together, but I think she just was needing the sex. The second time we actually planned a date, had a nice meal, came home, we were intimate again, but she left me, which I hated and didn't understand.

I have been honest that it was my fault, I shouldn’t have broken up with her, and that I want her back, but she wants space now. We are currently in no contact (day 5). I feel that she started to think I was being desperate? I felt I was just being honest, I adore her. She was going to come and see me last Wednesday, but I said that it wasn't for the best, I said I felt rejected, and that thinking about her all the time was making me feel bad. So I said no to her coming over as I wanted to regain some of my pride. She replied that she hadn't rejected me, was glad I was feeling better, and that we both need to find happiness after being down for so long. She says she is really upset and hurt. but wants me to be happy.

Now I know that she is on dating sites, and actively looking for a date at the very least.

I feel terrible, I am working on self-improvement, I’m at the gym every other day, going out with friends, etc… I am going to go Salsa dancing, as I think it will be fun, and she may think that I’m more interesting haha I am putting these things all over my social media, in case she checks in which I am sure she will, or her friends will tell her.

She has unfriended me on Facebook, blocked me on Snapchat, but I have left it so she can see everything I am doing on Facebook & Instagram, I am being really positive in my status’ and putting up pictures of me happy at the gym or out with friends. This has happened during no contact, so obviously I haven't said anything to her about it.

I am trying to give her the space she has asked for, out of respect, we had a good relationship, we rarely argued, and if finances hadn’t got in the way, we would have had a family already. I never said that I didn’t want a family with her, but I think that’s is what she thinks I felt. I spoke with a mutual friend today and she told me that my ex told her that having a child was a no go, but that’s not the truth!

I adore her, I feel terrible, but I think I am doing the right things, in order to make her think I am doing well in spite of not having her in my life.

I think she feels that she was unappreciated during our relationship, she thinks I have taken 6 years from her, even though we did have some bad times and great times like normal people.

Am I doing the right thing? I am risking losing her to another man, but If I can get a solid job and base for having a family, a job that pays thousands each month then I will I think have everything she ever wanted?

Things could all change for me in the blink of an eye, I’m hoping so anyway.

She can’t have forgotten me in a few weeks, I certainly haven’t forgotten her, I think about her all the time. I have had opportunities to kiss, date other women, but I don’t feel like it at all, I am not ready, I don’t know how she can be looking at dating so soon.

Please, any advice or opinion welcome. 

You say you had a good relationship, so why so many break-ups along the way? That's a sign something wasn't working. It seems that not being prepared for a baby was not the only issue.

I agree with your side of things, for what it's worth, on the topic of a baby. A baby isn't a Christmas present, and to be honest, that comment alone speaks to your ex's immaturity. I get what she meant, but it doesn't sound as though she truly understands everything that comes with a child, nor that guilting you into it is not the way to parenthood. You were very wise to hold off on that if you're not in a place to provide. And your ex is young - what is the big rush? I know you'd been together a while, but is she really even in any place to become a mother? A mature adult doesn't go around trying to back their partner into a corner to have a child. A mature adult understands that having a child before both parents are ready (financially, emotionally, physically) is incredibly risky and no guarantee of a happy future.

My gut says that your relationship was already on shaky ground for others reasons, and showing her that you are financially stable or more positive and interesting isn't going to address the underlying problems and make her come back.

I agree with MissCanuck when she noted that something wasn't working if you guys broke up 3-4 times over the last 6 years. It seems to contradict your statement that "we had a good relationship, we rarely argued." No, but you kept breaking up. She was probably too young to get involved in a long-term relationship at age 20. You may be paying the price for that.

Stop posting pictures on Facebook just to attract your ex's attention. Start pulling together your social life again. Go out on a few dates, nothing serious, just enjoy the company. Hang out with friends and do some fun things. Just move on. You might want to try going out with someone who's more mature.

I agree with the others here. Very wise to be focusing on achieving some financial stability before having a child.

Thanks.

I am concentrating on myself, and feeling better about the situation.

I was propositioned last week, but I turned it down, as I'm not ready for anything casual, but mentally I am feeling stronger, and I understand the need to move on.

That's good op. Are you still going to the salsa Dancing?