Depressed girlfriend...am I doing the right thing?

Me and my girlfriend have been together for around a year and her mental health is always something we've battled, but of late it's become worse, to the point where we've had a few arguments recently and this morning was really bad. She had a talk with me and basically said that she's going through life extremely apathetic, isn't enjoying anything, can't do anything etc. It was hard to listen to, because she was so incredibly nihilistic and down and even though she had spoken like this before it had never been to the same extent. I basically came out and asked if she thought she was in the right place to be in a relationship and she couldn't really answer, I asked if she was happier now than when she hadn't started seeing me and again..she said she couldn't really remember. So I said if I'm not making you happier or helping your life in anyway, perhaps it's time we go our separate ways. We discussed medication and I said that I'd stay with her through the tough time of trialling meds etc but she's got a lot of work on at the moment and is insistent she can't start trialling till the summer, but that's 3 months away and I can't continue like this. She's so negative about doctors/meds etc and I can't get through to her the idea that she simply can't wallow.

Today was our anniversary (woo) and we had a day planned, but she couldn't get up in the morning for it and wasn't able to go with me to town to get lunch or anything. She didn't do anything for our anniversary and it just feels like she simply isn't able to deal with being in a relationship, we rarely do things anymore. When I am round I basically just look after her by cooking etc, it's pretty miserable for both of us and whilst I love her I can't go through the same cycle of getting one good day or evening and getting hope, and then getting a week of crap days. Not without light at the end of the tunnel.

This all basically ended with her under the duvet saying she needed to sleep and be alone. She wouldn't let me stay there or tell anyone how she was feeling because she didn't want sympathy from anybody. I was extremely worried she wouldn't even feed herself etc but she was getting angry with me and insistent she needed to be on her own, so I had to leave. In the end I basically said I'd give us a week apart and see if she feels she can deal better with the depression outside of the relationship.

My real question is..have I done the right thing by saying we'll give it a week, or should I just end it? Or should I be there for her, as I do love her..even though I don't feel without her getting help that this situation is going to get better.

Sorry to hear this. How was she when you first started dating? She's not ready for dating no less relationships. Does she have friends and family? They may be the best resource for her at this time. All you can do is leave her alone and see if she contacts you.

End it. If you have contact info for her parents, let them know she is in a bad place and then feel like you have done your best. Life is too short to live your life in an unhappy relationship.

Sorry to hear this. How was she when you first started dating? She's not ready for dating no less relationships. Does she have friends and family? They may be the best resource for her at this time. All you can do is leave her alone and see if she contacts you.

When we first started she told me about the depression, but I feel like the honeymoon period of the relationship meant that she was able to repress it somewhat. She still had bad days/moments but overall I loved being with her and it was exciting for both of us. I still love spending time with her but there isn't the same buzz.

When we first got together she was still on meds too, although gradually weaning herself off them, then she came entirely off them a few months in. I'm not going to say she's being perfect but it's worse now than ever before, every single day it feels like she can't do anything but lie in bed. I think it's the stress of uni work bearing down on her - we have a lot due and she has that weighing on her mind. She's also really scared of post-uni life..she hates the idea of working 9-5 in a job and can't even imagine herself doing it due to the mental state she's in. So this sort of stuff is starting to have an impact on her now as we're in final year.

She hasn't got that many friends, but they'd be there for her if she needed them. She wouldn't even let me tell them she's having a rough time though, because she doesn't want sympathy. She certainly wouldn't contact her family, who apparently don't really understand and have enough to deal with in their lives.

End it. If you have contact info for her parents, let them know she is in a bad place and then feel like you have done your best. Life is too short to live your life in an unhappy relationship.

The problem is I really do love the girl and breaking up is going to be extremely tough. I don't want to leave her like this. I feel like if in a few days she comes to me and says that she cares enough about the relationship to start medication etc, then I'd stick around. I'd be prepared to deal with the horrible period of trialling new meds if there was a bit of hope that she'd start to get better, but right now I don't have that and won't continue to exist without any sort of end in sight. I care/love her enough to be there for her if she's really trying to fight this - but she isn't.

The problem is I really do love the girl and breaking up is going to be extremely tough. I don't want to leave her like this. I feel like if in a few days she comes to me and says that she cares enough about the relationship to start medication etc, then I'd stick around. I'd be prepared to deal with the horrible period of trialling new meds if there was a bit of hope that she'd start to get better, but right now I don't have that and won't continue to exist without any sort of end in sight. I care/love her enough to be there for her if she's really trying to fight this - but she isn't.

Much like an alcoholic. They have to hit bottom to reach up for help.

You can't help her. She has to help herself. It's admirable that you want to support her if she was to get help.

But that's not happening.

I understand that you love her and walking away makes you feel guilty.

But from where I sit, I don't see you have any options here other than to take care of yourself and hope someday she gets the help she deserves.

Much like an alcoholic. They have to hit bottom to reach up for help.

You can't help her. She has to help herself. It's admirable that you want to support her if she was to get help.

But that's not happening.

I understand that you love her and walking away makes you feel guilty.

But from where I sit, I don't see you have any options here other than to take care of yourself and hope someday she gets the help she deserves.

I've spoken to a couple who were in a similar situation but now are doing ok...he basically said that unless she went on medication they couldn't stay together, and this was the motivation for her to go and get help, as she didn't want to lose him. I'm kind of hoping that a similar situation will arise here.

I'm certainly not going to stay in the relationship if nothing happens though..I can't deal with that anymore, it's exhausting and is taking a huge toll on my own life in a number of ways.

I've spoken to a couple who were in a similar situation but now are doing ok...he basically said that unless she went on medication they couldn't stay together, and this was the motivation for her to go and get help, as she didn't want to lose him. I'm kind of hoping that a similar situation will arise here.

 

I'm certainly not going to stay in the relationship if nothing happens though..I can't deal with that anymore, it's exhausting and is taking a huge toll on my own life in a number of ways.

It must be very difficult.

I think it's ultimatum time (people hate that term)

She may refuse but given time she might reconsider.

Just be prepared to act on it.

It must be very difficult.

I think it's ultimatum time (people hate that term)

She may refuse but given time she might reconsider.

Just be prepared to act on it.

Yeah, I think this is the only way. I'm going to wait till she contacts me, and if she does want to continue I'll tell her that she needs to be going to the doctor straight away in the morning, otherwise I will have to end it.

Update: She's basically just blanking me now. She's replied to my messages but really coldly and is doing nothing but sleeping. I don't want to break up via a message but I dunno how long I'm expected to just hang around while she locks herself away.

Today is valentine's today so I sent her a message and said that I'm thinking about her/here for her if she needs me, all I get is 'i'm tired' and 'going back to sleep'. I think if she isn't ready to talk by tomorrow afternoon I'm going to have to break up with her over text - but is that acceptable? It's a horrible way to do it but she's leaving me no choice.

It's fine to break up over text because she doesn't want to see you or be with you. You can't force or blackmail anyone into getting therapy or taking meds. She is in uni and can and will get help when she wants to. She does not have to fix herself in order to have the relationship you want. Also assuming the parent role is toxic to relationships. Very unhealthy thing to do even under the heading of 'concern'. Let her be.

I think if she isn't ready to talk by tomorrow afternoon I'm going to have to break up with her over text

It's fine to break up over text because she doesn't want to see you or be with you. You can't force or blackmail anyone into getting therapy or taking meds. She is in uni and can and will get help when she wants to. She does not have to fix herself in order to have the relationship you want. Also assuming the parent role is toxic to relationships. Very unhealthy thing to do even under the heading of 'concern'. Let her be.

I wouldn't say I'm trying to get her to medicate so I can get the relationship I want. It's more that I genuinely love and care for her, and therefore want her to start recovering. I know it's her choice, but there's two of us in the relationship and I don't see an issue with saying that if she cares about us then she will start getting help. She doesn't have to do anything, but she needs motivation.

I agree about the parent role, lately I've felt more like a carer than a partner and that's been difficult, and something I want to get away from.

I think you're right about the text too - at the end of the day if she won't let me go up and see her in person I can't do much else, although it still won't feel right. I really hope she will at least be ready to me though.