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Thread: I have a very odd problem. Dont know what to do

  1. #1

    I have a very odd problem. Dont know what to do

    Hello all,

    I have been struggling with this my entire life. Therapists haven't helped, nothing has helped, so I'm turning to the Internet because I don't know what else to do. I am a gay man, 20, and i have huge attachment issues with straight men. I can't distinguish if its sexual or platonic. It's a very intense want for straight male friends that has been in my life since i was a child. when i was a little kid, i would come home BAWLING to my mom because the other boys in class wouldn't talk to me. My dad wasn't close to me as a baby possibly, he was always either working or drunk. Maybe that lack of a father figure translated into these issues that i currently am tormented by, As i got older it progressively got worse...in middle school i actually was happy because i actually did have guy friends that accepted me, for the most part, but then i lost them and in high school i gained all friends that were girls and now.....Im in college with barely any guy friends and i know it may be normal for gay guys to have this kind of need for platonic male affection, but its KILLING me and stopping me from functioning. I have tried to join clubs and i have tried to do everything i know to do, and I still keep wanting what i don't have. I have this deep insatiable craving for "bro" relationships, like a close male friend or group of male buddies that i can drink with and do dumb stuff with on the weekends ...i never got that and i feel a huge void in my life. But i am also kinda feminine and don't fit in and am not "one of the guys"....i also worry that if i get those male friends to hang out with, would i just want more? I dont want to hear any stuff like "ugh straight men are the worst just avoid them". Trust me I went down that road and it made me more bitter and more upset. I dont know what else to do. I appreciate any time you take out of your day to give me your words. I dont know if i will ever achieve these relationships and i dont think i can be happy without them. Do any other gays experience this also?

  2. #2
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    i know it may be normal for gay guys to have this kind of need for platonic male affection,

    This is not a normal or reasonable want. Its like me as a woman saying "i want a lot of female friends who hug me a lot" and i don't feel complete. If you have friendships with straight men -- honestly, they will not be hugging you. I think that you should make friends with other gay men and then you should also join professional groups based on your interests that have nothing to do with being gay or straight - based on your profession, etc. Try to make casual friendships. But expecting straight men to want to have one on one relationships with you outside of intially meeting you in the context of a shared interest. They may feel uncomfortable if you want to be friends because they are straight - they might be concerned that you are attracted to them.

  3. #3
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    I wish I had the answer for you, but I don't.
    What I can say is keep trying. Maybe try for an older age group? Sometimes with age guys will be more accepting to
    be in the company of a gay male. Just because you're gay doesn't mean your not still a guy. I agree you need that
    make bonding, man cave, bro time.
    Have you tried online with meeting locals? You can post what you're looking for, but please be very careful and use discretion. There are "strictly friends" sites out there.

  4. #4
    I didnt say anything about hugging? I just seek attention and approval from them. Its not sexual at all, but idk maybe it is. Im very confused and dont think making friends with other gays will be helpful, its been straight men my whole life. And yes im aware there is the issue of straight men feeling uncomfortable with me and thats why im so depressed. If i could just push a button and be straight ... i would because that would mean i could easily make dude friends. Its that bad i would literally become straight for this.

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  6. #5
    Yeah ive been trying for months now. Have any recommendations of sites?

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    Originally Posted by musicman51997
    I didnt say anything about hugging? I just seek attention and approval from them. Its not sexual at all, but idk maybe it is. Im very confused and dont think making friends with other gays will be helpful, its been straight men my whole life. And yes im aware there is the issue of straight men feeling uncomfortable with me and thats why im so depressed. If i could just push a button and be straight ... i would because that would mean i could easily make dude friends. Its that bad i would literally become straight for this.
    You want to fit in, there's nothing wrong with that. One of my best friends in high school was a lesbian, and she preferred hanging with us straight girls , and we were all fine with it. It's about finding people of the same sex who are accepting of you being gay. To me, it makes absolutely no difference what someone's sexual preference is, I like and get together with people who have common interests and are fun/kind.
    You can't and also should not want to change who you are. Be comfortable in your skin and your sexuality.
    I think it's sad to hear you say if you could push a button and be straight you would. Love yourself, for who you are.

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    Originally Posted by musicman51997
    Yeah ive been trying for months now. Have any recommendations of sites?
    Google search "platonic friendship finder sites" a few should come up. Idk where you are but please do not go on
    Craigslist and post anything. There are legit sites out there set up much like dating sites. List your hobbies and interests,
    and a little about yourself. There's plenty of lonely men out there too looking for male friendships. Being straight or gay
    might stop them, but why would you want friendship with anyone that would not see you as a person, instead of what your sexual preference is?

  9. #8
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    Hey musicman,

    As I am sure you can tell, your issue seems (understandably) confused. You want platonic male relationships, but specifically with those of a particular sexual preference? Are you or have you been in a homosexual relationship? How was it? Was your partner traditionally masculine?

    Originally Posted by musicman51997
    in middle school i actually was happy because i actually did have guy friends that accepted me, for the most part
    What kind of activities who you do with the guy friends? Why did these platonic relationships satisfy you emotional needs? If you have a reference for the kind of platonic relationship you want it may help you find it again.

    Originally Posted by musicman51997
    I have this deep insatiable craving for "bro" relationships, like a close male friend or group of male buddies that i can drink with and do dumb stuff with on the weekends
    Originally Posted by musicman51997
    i am also kinda feminine and don't fit in and am not "one of the guys"
    Are you actually interested in traditonal/hegemonic masculine activities? Or are you interested in men who participate in this kinds of activities? I have many male friends/acquaintances that I will go out drinking with and do dumb stuff, and I have no idea what most of their sexual preference is. Furthermore, those I do know of are both gay and straight (predominantly straight, but thats by chance rather than design). For reference, I am toward the straight side of the spectrum (I have not to date been attracted to a male) and would consider myself to the masculine side of the spectrum - definitely not a 'manly man' by traditional standards, but masculine.

    In terms of advice, I would recommend trying to leave sexual preference out of it. As other's have suggested, it's possible to meet people online, but you can also start to engage in those kinds of hegemonic male activities that you seem to crave. If you really want platonic male friendships, then sexual preference is irrelevant - both straight and gay mean can enjoy watching sports, working out, drinking, doing dumb things. If you don't want to be more masculine, however, then you have to accept it will be harder to have friends who are - simply because you will have less shared interests.

    You should also be aware that, as abitbroken pointed out, hegemonic masculinity generally doesn't have much room for displays of affection, verbal or physical. It may be that what you want is unrealistic or idealised.

    Final thought - from your post my guess is that you are seeking a relationship with a masculine man. Nothing wrong with that, but if you can separate that desire out and pursue it (i.e. seek out homosexual masculine men), then you will be able to assess your desire for platonic male friendships more objectively.

    Good luck and I hope that helps,

    T

  10. #9
    Platinum Member thealchemist's Avatar
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    I've had "bro" relationship with gay guys...

    I don't see what is wrong with that at all.

    Two of my close friends from high school were gay and we did all sorts of bro stuff.

    I don't think you need to separate these concepts of attraction as much as you think though.

    My two friends don't live near me anymore but I keep in touch with then.

    They just turned 30 and they obviously have groups of guy friends they hang out with and do the same stuff we did.

    They are mostly gay guys now that they hang with too. They have bfs but still hang out with plenty of other guys.

    I think you are just an extrovert and need a big supporting social group.

    But there is no "bro" hanging out that you can do with a straight dude that you can't do with a gay dude.

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    I thought i read the word "affections"instead of attention. Maybe that was my mistake where i accidentally read that you wanted their affecton and approval. Either way - i think you should learn to value the friendships you have made. The problem is that you are not focused on making friends - but it has to be straight men. I know that when someone goes out of their way to find someone of a specific criteria to be friends with that does not match themselves ( and want to be friends solely based on this criteria , ie, it feels a bit forced and unnatural. Perhaps you should talk to your therapist about the issues with your father vs focusing on having to have friends fill that hole for you. Do you talk about that with therapists, or only you trying to chase men for friendships? I really strongly suggest making peace in whatever way you can about your father and at the same time, find groups that are based on your genuine interests (no "gay men's group/LGBT rights group that only exposes you to new gay men) but a networking group based on your profession, A group that focuses on photography if that's what you are into or building preservation or cooking or practicing a foreign language - whatever you are into where you can build friendships regardless of orientation. Also, it might be helpful to build friendships with couples and do things with them as a couple and that might help you fill the need to have male friends but also avoid the situation of a guy misinterpreting your interest as well if you are pushing too strongly for the friendship.

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