Tp continue or break it off?

So. I've known this guy for a little over two years now. We are a part of the same team and have a lot of mutual friends. He's funny, cute,trusting, dedicated, caring, etc. Up until about 3 months ago, I only saw him as a friend. Something happened and we just started talking more, developing feelings for each other, and we're sort of "dating". Now, I have a few rules for myself when it comes to dating someone. I haven't dated a person in almost 4 years..due to a bad 5 year relationship. But those rules are; can't be younger than me (or at least 21) and can't smoke (cigs or weed). Now...I'm 25, and he just turned 20 a few months ago. He smokes weed quite often. As a friend, I don't mind either of those things. But if our relationship continues, it's something that I'm struggling with. My mom already has an issue with his age and it's definitely putting a damper on my feelings. I know I should have the "screw it, you're the one in the relationship and your happiness matters" mentality, but it's extremely difficult to get over that feeling. I feel like we're too deep in for me to say, "let's just be friends" and not have things be weird or bad between us. What can I do to overcome those thoughts? Should I break it off since smoking is one of thee biggest negative factors in the relationship?

Should I break it off since smoking is one of thee biggest negative factors in the relationship?

You will hate it and you will ask him to stop and he will quit for a week and go back to it or he will hide it from you and you'll find out and you'll fight because he lied to you but he is addicted to it so it's too hard for him to stop *takes breath* then he'll promise to stop again and then you'll be all happy and then he'll smoke again when you're not around or.... You get the picture.

Tell him why you can't be with him (he smokes everything) and you can't tolerate it. Then stop hanging out with him until you get over him or you'll stagnate yourself (and him) from finding compatible partners.

NP: It's never a good thing to tear down boundaries to be with someone. It more times then not leads to trying to control and failing at it when you can't change them into who you want them to be. Best to just find someone who doesn't need any changing.

That's a big age gap and the weed thing would be something I would have abit of an issue with too.

What is the point of having rules if you break them and then ask a bunch of faceless people on the internet for approval to do so?

Any type of narcotics abuse should be a dealbreaker. It's an expensive habit, and life's too expensive to waste on substances that are bad for your body. And if you had an emergency and needed to be brought to the emergency room or your car broke down on the side of the road, what if he was high and couldn't safely drive to help you out? And what toll on his body will regular use of weed take, and then you wind up with the medical bills and caring for a man who didn't take care of himself? Besides that, many jobs periodically test for drug use. He won't be able to retain a good job if they do those random tests.

At age 25, a person's brain achieves maturity. His brain still has 5 years left to mature, and so you two are at different levels in that area right now.

So what if you two don't remain friends? Once people get into a serious romantic relationship, those sorts of close male/female friendships go to the back burner anyway.

Doing any sort of drugs should be a deal breaker. You have dated someone like this before and It didn’t turn out well. Sounds like you fall for the same type of guy each time. I agree with the age thing but that is just my view.

What does "sort of dating" even mean?

If you dating younger or dating a smoker are both against your code, then don't do it. I won't character judge the guy, but what's wrong for you is wrong for you. Don't go in expecting anything to ever change.

Plenty of people out there would make great friends but not romantic partners. It is what it is.

It sounds like casual dating. Why worry about long term? It won't progress to this.

What is the point of having rules if you break them and then ask a bunch of faceless people on the internet for approval to do so?

I'm asking for advice...on a message board...specifically for giving advice. :suspicion:

Any type of narcotics abuse should be a dealbreaker. It's an expensive habit, and life's too expensive to waste on substances that are bad for your body. And if you had an emergency and needed to be brought to the emergency room or your car broke down on the side of the road, what if he was high and couldn't safely drive to help you out? And what toll on his body will regular use of weed take, and then you wind up with the medical bills and caring for a man who didn't take care of himself? Besides that, many jobs periodically test for drug use. He won't be able to retain a good job if they do those random tests.

 

At age 25, a person's brain achieves maturity. His brain still has 5 years left to mature, and so you two are at different levels in that area right now.

 

So what if you two don't remain friends? Once people get into a serious romantic relationship, those sorts of close male/female friendships go to the back burner anyway.

Well one huge issue is that we are on the same team together. We see each other multiple times a week. I just don't know how to go about breaking things off if I make that decision. Because I know it'd be like I've led him on, which was SO not my intention, because smoking is such a big deal to me.

Doing any sort of drugs should be a deal breaker. You have dated someone like this before and It didn’t turn out well. Sounds like you fall for the same type of guy each time. I agree with the age thing but that is just my view.

Huh? When did I say I've dated someone like this before? Lol, I've never dated a smoker. I just said I haven't dated anyone in years because of a bad breakup.

What does "sort of dating" even mean?

 

If you dating younger or dating a smoker are both against your code, then don't do it. I won't character judge the guy, but what's wrong for you is wrong for you. Don't go in expecting anything to ever change.

 

Plenty of people out there would make great friends but not romantic partners. It is what it is.

Casually seeing each other? We're not official? I'm not sure a correct term for it.

But how do I break things off with him, if I choose to do so?

It sounds like casual dating. Why worry about long term? It won't progress to this.

I honestly can't see myself dating him for a long period of time...but like I said, I feel like we're too far into the dating process to be like, "hey maybe this isn't right?"

Huh? When did I say I've dated someone like this before? Lol, I've never dated a smoker. I just said I haven't dated anyone in years because of a bad breakup.

Sorry misunderstood about the last. Kind of took for granted because of the rules you have.

So are you willing to disregard your boundaries because you're afraid he'll be mad at you?

If you're only "sort of" dating I'm sure he won't be all that upset. Feel a bit awkward, maybe, but that's probably it.

What is "too far into the dating process"? Sex? I love yous? There's no such thing and you are not leading him on. Just stop seeing him outside of team practice. Be honest with yourself if you want hookups and you are fine with that. Be honest with him that you don't want to get involved further outside of being friends and teammates.

I honestly can't see myself dating him for a long period of time.

People can change their minds about being with someone at any point. Just tell him the truth. Something like, "I tried to get past the fact that you smoke weed, but I've decided it stresses me out to much. Let's go back to being teammates."

People can change their minds about being with someone at any point. Just tell him the truth. Something like, "I tried to get past the fact that you smoke weed, but I've decided it stresses me out to much. Let's go back to being teammates."

Yeah...that sounds and feels best.

No sex, we spent valentine's evening together....he called us a "couple", but in no point did we discuss or decide that we were a couple. I was under the impression we were just seeing each other...but the second he said that it threw up a red flag and made me feel uncomfortable. I'm not even comfortable with him in a physical/sexual sense...