The dreaded "what are we" and oh look valentines day

I have been casually dating this guy for about 6 months. We are 10 years a part, neither of us have kids or ever been married. We hit it off right away, he called everyday for a while, we switched to more texting and some calling as we got more comfortable with each other. Still see him once or twice a week, usually on the weekends (we are a very mild long distance, 1-1.5hrs apart given traffic, so its not easy during the work week)

I have met both sides of his family, been to a few family parties. He hasn't met mine yet as they all live in another state.

I first causally brought up the "what are we" about 2 months into us seeing each other. Asking basically what were his intentions, was it casual, are we a couple etc ? We both agreed that given our most recent break ups we both needed time to focus on what we wanted in life with careers and our individual living situations. He said he liked me a lot but was scared to jump into anything he knew at the moment he couldn't put forth all of his focus, and I deserved that. He didn't want me to date other men, but he also knew it would be selfish to ask me not to when he was the one asking for more time. I admit I wasn't thrilled at the outcome, as I wanted to walk away that night with a bf, but in hindsight it was the best thing. He was right, I didn't have much time to date anyone else, I got swamped at work and life. I have really been able to figure out what I want for me and moving forward in that direction.

Since then he has been very supportive in my goals. He has shown up to events I have participated in to cheer me on, helped me get contacts to network in the area, and even asked a friend to look over my Resume/CV that does work in a similar field, to help me branch out a little.

We are both going through a lot of stress. Financially money is tight for both of us as we are each attempting to switch/merge our careers with other passions (separately, not working together) I am not happy with where I live, and I hate my job. He owns his own business and business is slow. He loves the area he lives, but is ready for a house and to settle down in the area, but financially cant right now.

Okay....so all of that back story brings me to the dread week of valentines. I am not one to (usually) get worked up over valentines day. I am usually working, and really low maintenance. In fact please don't get me stuffed animal and chocolates. I would rather watch a movie and cook dinner together if we do anything at all.

This valentines is particularly stressful because WHAT ARE WE!? Logically we are an undefined casual relationship. In my heart, he is my guy. To his roommate and his family we are bf/gf. My parents are just confused (I feel ya mom and dad)

I seriously do not believe there is another girl in the picture, especially since his roommate frequently jokes around how I am the third wheel to their bromance and blatantly calls me the gf of the guy I am seeing. Plus I am around most of the weekend and I trust him, he has never been sketchy with his weekday plans.

So what do I do? He just came back from a big trip and given the work/$$ situation I dont want to add stress. However, I would like to know if we are at the level of valentines plans.....

It's not valentines day I care so much about, its what the heck are we doing that I care about? Valentines is just a very coupley celebration so by not doing anything did he a) forget (lame excuse its everywhere) b) choose to ignore it because he doesn't want this to be more than what it (we have slept together a handful of times, but mostly our relationship is based around other things we like doing together, museums, sporting events, plays etc) is or c) feel embarrassed because its not in the budget for a 5 start restaurant (not our style even if we did have the money)

So basically do I bring up Valentine's that will most likely morph into the relationship question or wait to see if he does anything?...and if he doesn't....then what? It will hurt if the day is totally ignored. To me it will feel like he is avoiding "us".

I guess at this point, don't bring it up and see what he does.

If you are unsure of where he stands, how he handles the next couple days will be telling.

If he's the one that formed those very words "liked me a lot but was scared to jump into anything he knew at the moment he couldn't put forth all of his focus" then continue to assume that nothing has changed until told otherwise.

Just in case he surprises you, buy him a card just in case.

I wish I had something more to offer. But this is the course you two decided to take.

I get that it gets uncomfortable at times. But don't let a Hallmark holiday determine the outcome.

Decide what it is exactly that you want and you get to choose whether or not this is still working for you.

You are totally right....I just hate the unknown, I am type A to a fault sometimes. Its hard for me to go with the flow, especially on a week with so much added pressure. I need to ignore everyone around me. Some of my friends keep telling me to just ask him and have the conversation, but I dont want to do anything for valentine's if its forced. Completely defeats the purpose.

I just want confirmation that we are still working on us and toward a future that includes each other. If he has changed his mind, okay, just tell me. I knew these feelings of what are we would pop up again, and I am sure a lot of pressure is on the hallmark holiday than anything else. And my own personal stress. I just want something in my life to be confirmed and it feels like everything is up in the air "hurry up and wait" I really like him too...I sincerely want to try at a relationship with this guy.

You are totally right....I just hate the unknown, I am type A to a fault sometimes. Its hard for me to go with the flow, especially on a week with so much added pressure. I need to ignore everyone around me. Some of my friends keep telling me to just ask him and have the conversation, but I dont want to do anything for valentine's if its forced. Completely defeats the purpose.

Don't be hard on yourself either. I believe all relationships are living, breathing things.

If it's with your friend, neighbor, coworker, etc. the relationships naturally deepen and mature.

It close to impossible to keep them at status quo. That's why casual relationships run their course.

One wants to keep in check and the other grows weary from trying to straddle the fence.

If you've come to the conclusion that you either want more out of your time (and emotional) investment and are ok with the outcome, speak up.

At least you'll know and you won't have to wonder any longer.

You won't risk becoming more attached and can free yourself for someone who is ultimately looking for the same thing.

If you like it the way it is. . overlook the commercial holiday and enjoy your time with him.

I need to be okay with the outcome. I kept quiet in my last relationship until i exploded. That one should have ended months into, but I was so young and desperate frankly for a relationship.

Again I really like this guy, and I dont want to end things with him, I am still willing to keep going with the intent of growing together, but I also dont want to keep going if he KNOWS there is nothing more than this.

I am planing on moving more toward him at the end of summer to be closer to a job/career I am applying for. He also admitted that the distance was hard for him, even though it was only an hour or so, it ads up quickly throughout the week, and had he lived close to me or vice versa he would have "scooped" me up in a heartbeat. So in some ways I am sort of waiting on these job offers to see if the move is possible...and if it is....then what is stopping us? Trust me when I say, I am not moving for him. I want to move, I have wanted to since I got to my new state. I had to quickly get a place there was no time to look, and really I cant commute an hour plus everyday to work.

Thanks for the input and just hearing me out. Sometimes it just weighs down on you and it helps to have someone to listen. Thank you.

I need to be okay with the outcome. I kept quiet in my last relationship until i exploded. That one should have ended months into, but I was so young and desperate frankly for a relationship.

 

Again I really like this guy, and I dont want to end things with him, I am still willing to keep going with the intent of growing together, but I also dont want to keep going if he KNOWS there is nothing more than this.

 

I am planing on moving more toward him at the end of summer to be closer to a job/career I am applying for. He also admitted that the distance was hard for him, even though it was only an hour or so, it ads up quickly throughout the week, and had he lived close to me or vice versa he would have "scooped" me up in a heartbeat. So in some ways I am sort of waiting on these job offers to see if the move is possible...and if it is....then what is stopping us? Trust me when I say, I am not moving for him. I want to move, I have wanted to since I got to my new state. I had to quickly get a place there was no time to look, and really I cant commute an hour plus everyday to work.

 

Thanks for the input and just hearing me out. Sometimes it just weighs down on you and it helps to have someone to listen. Thank you.

Sadly I think he is coming up w/excuses. A man who wants you, will keep you, no if ands or buts. Something I learned the hard way. What I've observed from relationships around me is when someone loves another person, absolutely nothing stands in their way. He knows if he doesn't lock you down another man will take you, he wants to hold on w/out a commitment. He is hoping you stay despite his half hearted effort, but if you meet someone else, hey at least he tried right? Its your choice, but I wouldn't hold onto to hope, find a man who loves you and sees nothing standing in his way.

Yep. I know in my gut you are right. I just am tired of being someone option and someone person. It gets old after a while. Putting yourself out there, loving with what i have. I am picky I know that, I dont fall for just anyone, and he is really special to me. I feel a little silly for even falling for him to begin with and question did I do the right thing to wait and see or should I have peaced out a long time ago.

I am not sure, and in the moment I chose the right answer for me. I dont regret the last few months with him, he has been wonderful. It will either continue or it wont, but hiding behind my feelings wont make things better.

Thanks for the input.

I think first and foremost you gotta stop lying to yourself. You say it was a mutual decision and you keep reiterating how caaaasual you are, but the truth is you want to be in a relationship with this man.

You keep taking the backseat and letting him decide where things are going, may I ask why? It's ok to state your wants and it's ok if he chooses not to meet them. What's not ok is you sticking around unhappy because you won't stand up for yourself and your wants and desires.

Thanks everyone. I decided to talk to him about it and just point blanked asked if we were in a relationship point that would celebrate Valentine's. The big talk didn't come up, which I would honestly like to have not on the phone, but in person.

I figured after 6 months of dating, And both being adults, Valentine's Day is a simple yes or no question and if it was a deal breaker for him then bye bye. I am trying to relearn my self confidence and know my worth, my last relationship knocked me down hard and a lot of the timid feelings come back stronger than I would like to admit.

He said he "wasn't that far" yet in his week and I said okay well it's in 2 days so I guess that's a no. He apologized without hesitation for not bringing it when it was on his mind and losing track of the weekend (being on a business trip) and assumed that if we did anything it would be this weekend. I told him that sounded nice and I didn't expect weekday plans, but I need to have a plan.

I also totally forgot a date we had previously planned for this weekend a few weeks back....he had to remind me.....oops.

Anyways the conversation was honest and I feel good about it. He didn't make excuses for forgetting to ask me just said yeah I forgot to make plans, how about this weekend instead?

I am going to continue seeing him for now, and continue to work on my own honesty to make sure my voice and needs are heard. Normally I would have cried about it and never spoken up, so this was a big push for me. A lot of the anxiety is past fears which I don't want to bring into a relationship so for now I am on the right path.

Thanks again everyone !

Edit: and by seeing him, keeping it casual. I don't think I am still over the fears and anxiety from my past relationship and I know he is working on things too. I do agree with someone else that when you know, you know, and he might not be the one but I do enjoy his friendship which is mostly what this is. Would I like to explore. Relationship wit him ? Yes...but when I know I can confidently stand up for myself without a mini melt down prior to it. I have a lot of work to still do for me. Tonight made me realize that. I want to be ready for a relationship but I still have some figuring out to do and so does he.

Maintaining a friendship with a possible love interest who doesn't seem to reciprocate the same emotions and wants as you may be more of a set back for your own progress. I feel like 6-months casual dating is a preferable position for anyone who wants to be one foot in and one foot out with someone they are fairly in to but not really in to.

6 months is more than enough time to know what u guys are. If someone is dragging their feet for more than 3 months,I cut my losses. Trust me, most guys into u would wanna make it official within 1 month or 6-8 dates

I think it's great that you spoke up. But if you want more out of a relationship, I don't think this is the guy for you.

We choose the relationship (of whatever sort) that works for us in the present moment. Sometimes, we ask for it to be different because we hear so much language about ‘the one’ etc. Consider whether this connection serves a purpose for you, in its present form, in the current day. If it does, accept it as is and know that it is what you need now until you learn, grow, change in some way. If it doesn’t, go get what you want somewhere else.

It is difficult to change what someone else wants to give - if he wanted to be different, he’d already be different.