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My family – or the dog


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Hi everyone,

I’m desperate for some advice – I’ll try to be brief. I’m 29 and the owner of a beautiful, almost two-year-old female black Labrador. Six months ago, I left a horrible relationship and temporarily moved back in with my parents as I had rented out my own house and needed to wait until my tenants’ contract was up. My dog obviously came with me.

Over the course of the last year, my parents’ marriage has been … rocky. My father, who’s always been a very optimistic person, has fallen into a deep depression and anxiety (which he’s receiving therapy for). My mother is extremely house proud and career-driven, seems desperately unhappy with where we live (they moved three years ago to the middle of the countryside) and finds my father’s depression very difficult to deal with. He was always the optimistic one; she always the pessimist, so they evened each other out.

 

My dog has brought such a change in my father. He loves her to pieces and she adores him just as much. She follows him around everywhere, whines when he leaves and just wags her tail to bits when she sees him. She’s aways loved him and been closer to him than she was to me. I used to find this sad (for me), but I’ve come to accept it and love how much they love each other. She’s his pride and joy, which I find ever so cute from a father that wasn't previously "gooey" or "affectionate" in that way.

My mother also loves her, but she hates the mess (hairs, mud) she leaves in the house, as she loves to have a clean home and works very hard, so she doesn’t want to be always cleaning up after her (my father just doesn’t seem to see the mess or understand why it bothers her – he says they live in a farmhouse and that’s just to be expected. Hmm.)

Anyway, I’m going to be moving back to my own house soon. Recently, my mother suggested I leave the dog with them because it would break my father’s heart if I took her (it would). We came to the conclusion that it would indeed be better, as she lives in the countryside here and I live in town, so she’d have more freedom and a better life here, more people around her (especially her favourite person) and lots of dogs to mingle with. I agreed to leave her here, even though I love her very much – I really want my dad to be happy.

I thought that was decided. But ever since – and almost every day – my mother has made me feel guilty about this decision, pointing out how much mess she makes, how she never wanted a dog, how she’ll never be able to go anywhere now (she doesn’t go anywhere anyway). She’s always questioning my decision, even though she posed the question in the first place.

I began to think it would be easier if I took her, because then my mother wouldn’t resent her (and me, it seems) or make me feel guilty almost every day about it.

I said to my father that I would take her and he said: “If she goes, I go.” And … I believe him. I'm so worried that my parents’ marriage has reached a point where he might leave, or she might leave – and the dog is stuck in the middle of it (and so am I, by extension). Ever since I moved in with them, there's been a horrible atmosphere in the house, each complaining about the other, the occasional blow-up argument and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around them both. I always got the distinct impression from my mother that she didn't want me here, although my father assures me she was like this before I moved in. It's very sad, because I was always extremely close to my mother, but over the last year she's barely spoken to me and that closeness has evaporated.

I feel frustrated, a bit angry, emotionally manipulated by both of them, confused at the constantly changing conclusions, sorry for the dog (who’s loved by us all!). At the moment, all that seems to be holding my dad together is the dog. Meanwhile, all my mother wants is a clean house. She can’t let up on this and he can’t let up on the dog.

I know it’s not my responsibility to hold my parents’ marriage together and I should probably do what I want, but I find that impossible at the moment. They both confide in me their problems, even though I’ve told them it’s not my business, that it puts me in a very difficult position with the other and that they should probably speak to each other instead of me. Both are lying to each other, about quite significant things.

If anyone has any advice, I’d really appreciate it. Please don’t suggest the dog goes to someone else – I adore her and so does my family, we do want her, but I suspect she’s being made the scapegoat to my parents’ problems and I’m struggling with the guilt of it all.

Any help greatly, greatly appreciated.

Maynards

PS: Also, whenever my mother has her friends over, she goes on and on about how much she loves the dog and how she would hate it if I took her away, but as soon as they're gone, suddenly the dog is a problem again. I don't know whether I'm coming or going here!

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Have you had a sit-down conversation with them both? From my perspective, your mother is being very unfair here, and I think you should tell her how you feel about the closeness between you two disintegrating and how allowing the dog to live with them is a lose-lose for you, so it isn't fair for her to guilt trip you about it when you'd take the dog back in a heartbeat.

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Looking strictly objectively from the outside, your mother loves to b$tch and moan. That's her MO and what makes her happy, as hard as that is to understand for you. By your own admission, your mother has always been a pessimist, aka a negative person. Your father would counter balance her, but he isn't in a good place himself to do that for her right now, so you are on the menu for her negativity so to speak. You are her outlet.

 

Leave the dog where she is. Your father clearly needs her and she loves him. You are ALL correct that the dog is where she belongs. If anything changes, you are always in a position to take her back. Basically, no matter what, the dog will have a loving home and is a red herring here in terms of what's going on between you and your parents.

 

Your mother's negativity....I mean it's who she is. Work on that by not taking it on board and internalizing it as a problem that you need to fix. Quite frankly, it's not a problem and I realize that it's hard for you to wrap your head around that. Best that you can do is distance yourself a bit, stop being their sounding board, free therapist and shoulder to cry on or at the very least, limit that to what you can handle. Small quantities only. Let them sort themselves out and limit your own exposure to their issues. In other words, don't get sucked into their issues. They will work it out, they've been doing this for years.

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Hi all,

 

 

Thanks so much for taking the time and responding, I really appreciate it.

 

 

reinventmyself – I don't know what would happen if I left her behind, whether my parents’ marriage would survive. I feel that, if I leave her behind, my mother will leave my father, but if I take her, my father will leave my mother … ! Maybe they’d muddle through, but she would try to make him feel guilty every day for the dog and I think that would wear him down.

 

 

Solidcase – I haven’t sat down with them both, no. At Christmas, I tried to have a chat with my mother and briefly mentioned that I didn’t feel close to her anymore. She waved her hand and said “That’s ridiculous” and changed the subject quite pointedly. It may all be leading to a sit down with them to explain how I feel.

 

 

DancingFool – I’m afraid you’re right. Yes, my mother does like to b&tch and moan. She’s always been like that, but I didn’t want to mention it in my original post because it makes me sound bratty (funny how you start feeling like a bratty teenager when you’ve lived independently of your parents for 10 years and then move back in with them!). She wants the house to be spotless; but she doesn’t want anyone to come over because they’ll see all the “mess”. Then she moans because she doesn’t have any friends. Then she moans because she never leaves the house (except once a week with my father to go to the supermarket). Then she moans because she feels like she has no independence. She moans that I’m living with them; she’s moaning now that I’m moving out. She moans that we don’t clean up; when we do clean up, she moans that it’s not been done properly. She shows us how she likes it; then she changes how she likes it, meaning she can moan that we haven’t done it properly. She moaned when we all lived in a town house because it wasn’t in the countryside; now she moans that we’re in the countryside and she wants to live in a town. She wanted a big farmhouse; now she’s got it, she wants a flat. She’s obsessed with status, money, cleanliness, everything looking “perfect” for the visitors that never come. She earns more than my father, so he takes over the lion’s share of the work around the garden for many hours every day (they have quite a lot of land) and he does all the decorating in the house. She moans that he doesn’t earn enough; she moans that he’s not fast enough with the decorating; she moans that he’s not doing the decorating properly. She expected so much of me growing up (good job, own home, nice, solid partnership); I’ve got the good job, own home, waiting for the right partnership – but ever since I’ve got these things, she acts as if she’s jealous, almost … Snooty, like nothing’s ever enough. I always feel guilty around her, like I’ve done something wrong. She sighs frequently and her body language seems to scream “you’re incompetent, you’ve done something wrong!” I can’t work her out and I feel exhausted by it all.

 

 

Crikey, I didn’t mean for all that to come out. Sounds like I might have a few issues with my mother here …

 

 

The dog will stay here, where she belongs. I admit I’m looking forward to putting some space between me and my parents, for a little while, let them sort out their problems.

 

 

Thanks again, all of you. You’ve really helped me clear my mind.

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I would take the dog --- and go back to visit frequently. That way your mom doesn't have the burden. Join dog walking groups in town. And suggest someday maybe they let dad pick out his own dog when they are ready. its different you taking care of the dog and dad petting her vs them being responsible for full time care.

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I said to my father that I would take her and he said: “If she goes, I go.” And … I believe him. I'm so worried that my parents’ marriage has reached a point where he might leave, or she might leave – and the dog is stuck in the middle of it (and so am I, by extension).

 

This is the other reason i wouldn't leave the dog and just visit with the dog. They have to figure out their own marriage without pulling anyone into it. You are not responsible.

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It's good that all that is coming out. I think you are getting some clarity and realizing some pent up issues with your mother. Once you understand that this is just who she is....it's kind of freeing in that you no longer have to feel like you have to please her or try to earn her approval. She thrives on being miserable, so trying to get her approval is like tilting at windmills. Approval has to come from other sources - your own satisfaction with your life and what you have, other people, etc. She can't take away or diminish what you have achieved for yourself. That said, people like that are draining and distance is crucial, both for your sanity and for maintaining a reasonably healthy relationship with them.

 

Heck, if you take away her misery....she'll be lost, her identity gone. Once you understand that, it's kind of easier to tune out the b$tching. It's just not about you or anyone, it's just her. Yeah, it makes her a difficult person to deal with, but again, easier to tolerate once you let her be her and allow yourself to be happy with your own life and stop seeking her approval for that.

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My father, who’s always been a very optimistic person, has fallen into a deep depression and anxiety (which he’s receiving therapy for).

 

My dog has brought such a change in my father. He loves her to pieces and she adores him just as much. She follows him around everywhere, whines when he leaves and just wags her tail to bits when she sees him. She’s aways loved him and been closer to him than she was to me. I used to find this sad (for me), but I’ve come to accept it and love how much they love each other. She’s his pride and joy, which I find ever so cute from a father that wasn't previously "gooey" or "affectionate" in that way.

^ For this reason alone I would leave the dog with your parents. The dog is clearly helping your father through his depression and bringing him much joy and I imagine, if the dog goes it will plunge him into an even darker, deeper depression. I would leave the dog for your father's health and happiness.

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Owning a dog is a BIG commitment. That dog is your responsibility, belongs to you, and should go with you. Your parents don't seem to want to pick up the responsibility of raising one to be honest. If a dog is going to help pull your dad out from depression, then he should get his own. There are many dogs in shelters and rescues who need a home- and he could adopt one. He rescues a dog, and a dog rescues him is much more rewarding than just being handed a dog.

 

Like abitbroken mentioned, your parents' marriage is their problem to sort- and what your mother suggested/says was very manipulative. Please stay out of it.

 

I live in a town with a high energy dog and we manage fine with walks.

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