Got a Bad Case of Anxiety Tonight About My Relationship

I'm in a new relationship with a great girl. She's been good to me. Last week she got the flu and has been battling it since. She also got her kids back today and is spending time with them. I'm normally not an anxious guy, unless it's something I really care about, but our conversation today has been different. She's not as attentive. I would have to say that I'm 90% certain that i has to do with her sickness, but 10% wonders if she's losing interest. I'm doing my best to stay calm and not be up her *** while she's sick. In the meantime, even though there's no point in speculating about it, my mind is racing. It's silly, because I'm 39 years old and I'm stressing out like this is my first gf. I wonder if I contact her too much, she'll be turned off, but if I don't contact her enough, she'll think I'm not interested. I never think like this with girls.

I've been working like crazy and that might have something to do with all of this. I don't feel like I'm at my best today.

Hundreds of thousands of people have been sick with this flu. People are DYING. Let the poor woman get better. I know of an 11 year old boy who recently died of the flu in a matter of days back in my husband’s home town. People are dropping like flies so just chill for a bit . My own mom has headed into her third week of recovery from the flu . Influenza is not like a cold .

I haven't texted her in over 6 hours. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of letting her be.

OP

Take a deep breathe and know you are overthinking the whole situation. She is very ill right now. Just wish her well wishes to get better soon.

Is six hours a long time for you to go without texting her?

It is. I went to bed and woke up and still nothing. I'm a bit worried so I'll text her now. It'll all become clear soon.

Have you dated a woman with kids before? We tend to want to spend time with them especially if they have been away for any length of time and they probably want time with their mom which is kind of hard to have if she is on the phone with you.

Just relax. If she likes you, she isn't going anywhere.

I haven't, and it makes sense. It's just a change from what she has shown me so far. But she hasn't gone this long without seeing her kids since I've seen her either. We texted back-and-forth this morning. She was watching a documentary with her kids and then went to bed early. Everything seems to be back in line.

To elaborate, we texted a little this morning and she said something about staying over tomorrow night. Then she got aggravated with her boss and we both began work. So I texted her around lunch. No response yet, which would normally be fine, but she's been on Facebook, so she's not too busy to check her phone. It's definitely unlike her to do this.

Maybe she's getting cold feet. Maybe she's taking me for granted. Maybe she's testing me to see if I'm needy like her ex was. She complained about him bugging her while she was at work about what's for dinner later that night. She also told me early on that she can get too involved with her work at times and that it's something I should keep an eye on. My suspicion is that it's taking me for granted and testing my neediness.

I'll have a talk with her after she gets out of work. If it's the case, I won't be taken for granted. I'd rather break up with her and move on.

My wife is home with our sick son and daughter. They both have RSV and my son is 4 months old and we have been to the hospital multiple times now.

I have left my wife alone because I know the stress she is under. We text a lot but she has a lot on her plate right now and I don't even want her to have to put the mental energy into formulating a dialog with me about stuff.

She is also on facebook and Reddit. Guess what, those are mind numbing things to help distract her. Talking to me isn't a distraction though.

I don't know if you are secure enough to date a mom. Security is required. If you need her reassurances with everything she is going to be so drained.

Oh dear. .

You know you have gone too far when you are tracking someone's social media activity and inserting your own anxiety into it because it must mean something cryptic.

Now you want to have `the talk' and end it with her?

The poor girl probably has no idea what is going on with you.

How about you sit tight and see if she comes to you? Is that something you can do?

Or. . if 5 hours is too much time to dedicate to her family, he job and getting better, then go ahead and end it.

She may very well be testing you. I dated someone like her ex and the way you described yourself.

I would see if you could tolerate a mere moment of silence without coming unhinged. Especially in light of you giving me some clues that you might be.

I was right. She had lost interest and we ended it yesterday. Even though she had a ton of qualities that I desire in a woman, I had a feeling from the start that she was a little crazy. She couldn't handle a guy who sticks up for himself and isn't willing to tolerate being mistreated (other events from what I've described in this thread). I got in deep with this one. I need to trust my initial gut feeling more.

>>I had a feeling from the start she was a little crazy.

Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out Cc, but moving forward you should ask youself why you allowed yourself to "get in deep" with a woman you felt from the get go was crazy.

What was it about her and/or her particular "crazy" that drew you in so deep? As opposed to all the other women you have dated over the months? Which, from what you've written, is quite a lot!

Not judging you at all because I am somewhat drawn to chaos myself. And men who are complex.

My BF now is strong, stable, consistent. All the things I've said I wanted!

But yet, a few times I have found myself creating some mild chaos just to "stir the emotions" a bit.

However, I've caught myself as I recognize this is so not healthy! Nevertheless, I have not stopped exploring (within myself) why I have that need.

Anyway again sorry it didn't work out, I know you really liked her.

Good luck moving forward!

Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out Cc, but moving forward you should ask youself why you allowed yourself to "get in deep" with a woman you felt from the get go was crazy.

Many of you won't find my reasoning convincing, but the reason I thought she was crazy was her conservative politics. I find many who identify as Republican to be some combination of confused/crazy. So I hooked up with her anyway because she was pretty, but she showed me other sides of her that were very good. I thought she was only confused and I could reason with her. I was wrong.

What was it about her and/or her particular "crazy" that drew you in so deep?

Her craziness isn't what attracted me. Just the opposite; she gave the impression that she wasn't crazy after I got to know her a bit. She is very cunning and intelligent. She just couldn't keep the act up when I brought up issues to her attention. She would overreact, criticize me for my delivery (which was quite good imo), and tell me to choose my battles. She basically wanted to shut me up, which was never going to happen.

Anyway again sorry it didn't work out, I know you really liked her.

 

Good luck moving forward!

Ty. It was fun having a gf again. It felt good to be cared about, even if it was all just a front.

>>It felt good to be cared about...

I hear ya; for me it also feels good to know that *I'm* still capable of caring too, despite all the * life tosses me sometimes.

Wow that went from 100 to 0 in lightspeed.

Wow that went from 100 to 0 in lightspeed.

It really did. Which is a pretty good indication that I wasn't dealing with someone who is wired correctly emotionally. To go from "I love you" to "I wish you the best" over absolutely nothing in two days isn't normal. What I felt for her was real, but what she felt for me wasn't love; at least not by my definition.

You thought she was confused and you could reason with her... Meaning you are superior to her because her political views and values did not mesh with yours? How would you receive the same attitude and expectation from her? And that doesn't apply only to politics... Think of any core value you have. Do you want someone trying to talk you out out of it? Unlikely. You two were not a match because you don't share the same views on core beliefs, and you really have no business trying to push someone to do the changing for your benefit when you clearly aren't interested in changing to align with her values. I say this since I am in a very similar situation now. I met someone and we have a lot of life experiences in common... But our core values are very different. I'm already getting tired of him trying to force me to defend what I believe and why. It's not a positive dynamic and someone is always going to feel bad. And yes, it impacts my attraction to him (and perhaps his for me). I'm probably going to have to walk away too and it's a real pity; but who wants to spend their free time arguing about values and trying to connect with someone with whom they are constantly at odds? That's just my two cents and I'm sorry for your breakup. They are never easy. Wishing you well.

You thought she was confused and you could reason with her... Meaning you are superior to her because her political views and values did not mesh with yours? How would you receive the same attitude and expectation from her? And that doesn't apply only to politics... Think of any core value you have. Do you want someone trying to talk you out out of it? Unlikely. You two were not a match because you don't share the same views on core beliefs, and you really have no business trying to push someone to do the changing for your benefit when you clearly aren't interested in changing to align with her values. I say this since I am in a very similar situation now. I met someone and we have a lot of life experiences in common... But our core values are very different. I'm already getting tired of him trying to force me to defend what I believe and why. It's not a positive dynamic and someone is always going to feel bad. And yes, it impacts my attraction to him (and perhaps his for me). I'm probably going to have to walk away too and it's a real pity; but who wants to spend their free time arguing about values and trying to connect with someone with whom they are constantly at odds? That's just my two cents and I'm sorry for your breakup. They are never easy. Wishing you well.

I'm sorry, but you are ascribing beliefs to me which I do not hold. I understand that your situation involves a man who's trying to change you, but that's not what I was trying to do. There's a big difference between trying to change someone versus talking to someone about what you believe and giving them the opportunity to change their beliefs while being open to the possibility that you are incorrect and your mind should change. The latter is what I believe.

Political differences aren't what broke us up anyway. We didn't even talk about it that much. It was just a sign to me of where she was coming from. I find Republicans to be unreasonable, illogical, egocentric, hateful, crazy, gullible, etc. I find her to be an accurate embodiment of these negative stereotypes.

If you intitially thought that why go out with her?

If you intitially thought that why go out with her?

She brought up being a Republican in the middle of our first date. I almost ended it there, but I thought she was pretty so I wanted to hook up with her. I got to know her over the next week and she had so many qualities that I was looking for. I confronted her about her beliefs and she stated that she was actually a moderate and that she really didn't know as much about politics as I probably do. She stated that she was open to discussing things more. I decided to give her a chance to follow through with that statement.

She brought up being a Republican in the middle of our first date. I almost ended it there, but I thought she was pretty so I wanted to hook up with her. I got to know her over the next week and she had so many qualities that I was looking for. I confronted her about her beliefs and she stated that she was actually a moderate and that she really didn't know as much about politics as I probably do. She stated that she was open to discussing things more. I decided to give her a chance to follow through with that statement.

Discussing and changing a point of view are different. Her discussing didn’t mean she was going to change her politics. Never go into a relationship hoping people are going to change . People’s core beliefs are something that you should agree with in a relationship or at least respect . And if you can’t respect somebody’s right to their own beliefs then it’s not a relationship you should continue . But try not to have relationships with people that are diametrically opposed to your own believe system . Most often it doesn’t work out .

Discussing and changing a point of view are different. Her discussing didn’t mean she was going to change her politics. Never go into a relationship hoping people are going to change . People’s core beliefs are something that you should agree with in a relationship or at least respect . And if you can’t respect somebody’s right to their own beliefs then it’s not a relationship you should continue . But try not to have relationships with people that are diametrically opposed to your own believe system . Most often it doesn’t work out .

Her political beliefs had nothing to do with the break up.

Her political beliefs had nothing to do with the break up.

However you said you did not respect them. And if they have nothing to do with the break up why even bring it up ? But basically you can’t have a relationship with somebody who’s beliefs you don’t respect .

I can’t say I understand the virulence of political hatred people have for one another in your country because that just doesn’t exist in those extremes here . But sharing, beliefs is a bigger way to making relationships work out.

However you said you did not respect them.

I don't.

And if they have nothing to do with the break up why even bring it up ?

Because she falls into a stereotype I have for those people.

But basically you can’t have a relationship with somebody who’s beliefs you don’t respect .

No disagreement.