Trapped

I am a nineteen-year-old girl who is in a relationship with a man who just turned forty. We have been living together for a year now, and I can not picture my future without him in it. However, I am miserable.

We fight everyday, about the stupidest things. All he does is complain about "his issues". He is overweight and has the classic "dad bod" look to him, which I find really attractive, but he hates. He struggles with depression (so do I), and he won't do anything to fix it. We rarely have sex, and he won't take male enhancement pills. I am always turned on, so this is a big issue for us and is what starts most of our fights. He is always tired (I wish I were exaggerating) and coughing (he refuses to use his inhaler). On the rare occasions we do have sex, he rolls over and goes to sleep after because he is too tired to help me orgasm.

I love him because of the fact that he is loyal, dependable, and kind. He's been working for the same company for over twenty years and is now at the highest position possible next to the big boss, but still wants to move up. Nothing is ever good enough for him. He makes a decent amount of money, but that is not why I am with him. I hate it when he insists on paying for everything.

In the beginning, everything seemed perfect. He was exercising, going on dates with me, and always finding ways to make me feel special. He made me belly laugh. Now, when I bring the idea of having a weekly date night, he shuts me down. The other day, I was looking at watches for his Valentine's Day present and asked him what type he wanted. He informed me that he was not going to get me anything, which made me feel horrible about myself. I am not a materialistic person, but Valentine's Day is important to me because it was the day my grandmother passed away. I was ready to spend hundreds of dollars on him, only to be dismissed with this week's trash. The only piece of jewelry I have that is reminiscent of him, I bought for myself because he didn't want to spend any money.

After reading what I've written, I feel like a selfish, horrible person, but at the same time, I feel trapped. I'm a college student, and the only reasonable place I can go is my parent's house. They've offered to let me come home, but the thought of leaving the man I love brings me to tears. I am able to recognize how toxic this relationship is, why am I still with him? What is wrong with me?

Any advice or suggestions you guys may be able to offer would be appreciated.

You're too young to be in a relationship like this, OP.

The age gap does make a difference here, in that you've barely started to find your way in the world while he is already settled. You have so much life and energy ahead of you. Don't waste more time in a relationship that's already sucking the life out of you.

It hurts because you care about him and don't want to hurt him, but I promise you'll be doing a lot more damage to yourself by staying. He's really all you know and it's not healthy for you to be tied into something like this at such a young age. Take your parents up on their offer and go back to them. Begin a new chapter for yourself.

OP

I hate to say this but given the huge age gap. I wonder if he's just using you for status. Like "Look at me I'm dating a 19 year old." It doesn't sound like he cares about your needs or anything else. I would listen to your parents, you are far to young to settle for this. Trust me there is much better out there!

I think there is something really mentally off with a forty year old wanting a relationship with a 19 year old. Besides that, 20 year age gap relationships have a 95 percent failure rate. When you go to a restaurant or to the mall, etc., look around. The majority of couples you see are around the same age. Why? Because that's what generally works.

The human brain isn't fully formed until about aged 25. The decision making portion of your brain hasn't fully developed. Take it from older people, you need to leave now and be alone for a while. In the future, stick to dating guys closer to your age, in the same stage of life as you. And if you're not being treated for your depression, I suggest doing so for your own well being and for the success of a future partnership with a better prospect.

I'd 100% agree with what Andrina said above. I've been in an age-gap relationship of 15 years. The problem with this whole thing is that the libido doesn't match. This will frustrate you more as both of you grow older. I know the charm of being with an older guy who is mature but it can get too mature for you to handle. You are 19 and I'd never recommend you sticking with him so that he doesn't get "hurt". He has seen it all at this age. He won't be hurt. Trust me!

After reading what I've written, I feel like a selfish, horrible person, but at the same time, I feel trapped. I'm a college student, and the only reasonable place I can go is my parent's house. They've offered to let me come home, but the thought of leaving the man I love brings me to tears.

You are not trapped in this relationship. You are not in any debt to him, he's not holding a gun to your head demanding to stay, and got your family to support you. I've seen couples who come on here when their spouses cheat, they got 3 kids to support off their s***y income, do not have parents or friends to fall back on, or are living in an unfamiliar country.

Trust me, you are not worse off by leaving this man. You are in a much fortunate position than some women.

Go home. This man is treating you like an accessory because you are very young. He doesn't love you. You are in college and have plenty of opportunities to meet people around your age.

You're too young to be in a relationship like this, OP.

 

The age gap does make a difference here, in that you've barely started to find your way in the world while he is already settled. You have so much life and energy ahead of you. Don't waste more time in a relationship that's already sucking the life out of you.

 

It hurts because you care about him and don't want to hurt him, but I promise you'll be doing a lot more damage to yourself by staying. He's really all you know and it's not healthy for you to be tied into something like this at such a young age. Take your parents up on their offer and go back to them. Begin a new chapter for yourself.

I totally agree, this relationship is not good for you. You are too young to be in such a mess. You've barely begun your life and there you are allegedly in love with a man old enough to be your father. This isnt going to get any better, just worse. Move back home and get yourself back on track with people your own age.

I am a nineteen-year-old girl who is in a relationship with a man who just turned forty. We have been living together for a year now, and I can not picture my future without him in it. However, I am miserable.

 

We fight everyday, about the stupidest things. All he does is complain about "his issues". He is overweight and has the classic "dad bod" look to him, which I find really attractive, but he hates. He struggles with depression (so do I), and he won't do anything to fix it. We rarely have sex, and he won't take male enhancement pills. I am always turned on, so this is a big issue for us and is what starts most of our fights. He is always tired (I wish I were exaggerating) and coughing (he refuses to use his inhaler). On the rare occasions we do have sex, he rolls over and goes to sleep after because he is too tired to help me orgasm.

 

I love him because of the fact that he is loyal, dependable, and kind. He's been working for the same company for over twenty years and is now at the highest position possible next to the big boss, but still wants to move up. Nothing is ever good enough for him. He makes a decent amount of money, but that is not why I am with him. I hate it when he insists on paying for everything.

 

In the beginning, everything seemed perfect. He was exercising, going on dates with me, and always finding ways to make me feel special. He made me belly laugh. Now, when I bring the idea of having a weekly date night, he shuts me down. The other day, I was looking at watches for his Valentine's Day present and asked him what type he wanted. He informed me that he was not going to get me anything, which made me feel horrible about myself. I am not a materialistic person, but Valentine's Day is important to me because it was the day my grandmother passed away. I was ready to spend hundreds of dollars on him, only to be dismissed with this week's trash. The only piece of jewelry I have that is reminiscent of him, I bought for myself because he didn't want to spend any money.

 

After reading what I've written, I feel like a selfish, horrible person, but at the same time, I feel trapped. I'm a college student, and the only reasonable place I can go is my parent's house. They've offered to let me come home, but the thought of leaving the man I love brings me to tears. I am able to recognize how toxic this relationship is, why am I still with him? What is wrong with me?

 

Any advice or suggestions you guys may be able to offer would be appreciated.

Well I’m sure don’t want to hear that I believe you’re on the younger side. But elsewise I believe that if he isn’t willing to put in the fiber of love and sexual flare it will just continue to go downhill. I believe this gentleman requires counselling, something has escaped from him and he needs to regain spirit. There must be something deeper. I hardly believe he’s hopeless I just think he needs some time to regain himself back.

Has any habits about him changed? Does he drink? Did he lose someone or did something happen?. It seems inconsistent. You remaining in a relationship that does not nurture itself with positive habit is basically why a majority do relationships do not last. I would try investing in counselling if he’s willing. If it doesn’t look that way, I would get out of that picture. It may be that you two aren’t meant for each other—just a few suggestions

I'd 100% agree with what Andrina said above. I've been in an age-gap relationship of 15 years. The problem with this whole thing is that the libido doesn't match. This will frustrate you more as both of you grow older. I know the charm of being with an older guy who is mature but it can get too mature for you to handle. You are 19 and I'd never recommend you sticking with him so that he doesn't get "hurt". He has seen it all at this age. He won't be hurt. Trust me!

Now I agree with you haha! Except my age gap relationship (9 years) I had while 20 was reversed; I was more mature than him. More mature as in I didn't act like an attention-seeking, horny teenager talking loudly about inappropriate topics often in inappropriate public events/areas.

I believe the take on age gap relationships are they usually have a disproportionate level of maturity based on the nature of the people involved versus clashing life stages. In the rare event they do work out perhaps comes down to both partners having the same level of maturity and life stage, among overall compatibility.

It's a 20 some difference and his physical body is not like yours at all and it's only going to get worse. He doesn't exercise or take care of himself, he gets tired easily and is not interested in sex as often as you are.

You can expect this to get worse, not better.

You two don't think on the same wavelengths you're not in the same spot in life so your experiences and knowledge, maturity will vary greatly. It's just too many things.

You will end up trying to beat a dead horse this is just not something that is going to change or get better.

And yes, something definitely off with a man who is bedding a young girl who could be his daughter. His mentality must be very mixed up. But I have a hard time not thinking that he is taking advantage of you and is with you because he doesn't have to try or make any efforts.

If this was a woman closer to his age, he would be making far more efforts, but with you, being as you're young, he doesn't think he has to, (hence why you won't be getting anything for Valentines Day).

He doesn't feel he has to make those efforts and you will take it.

He has actually stopped drinking, which surprised me. He is not violent, by any means. He just understands that drinking is probably why he's been feeling so bad lately, so he stopped. Nothing has really changed. He hasn't lost anyone. He refuses to try counseling, though. I'm not sure it will work at thing point anyway. I hate feeling like I'm giving up, but this man talked me out of pursing the pre-med program of my dreams. I didn't get to go to my senior prom. I feel like I'm not getting the "normal" college experience. I feel lost. When I look in the mirror, I know everything will be OK. I feel it in my heart, and my faith has guided me to that feeling, but I hate the thought of not waking up next to him each day.

I've been making plans to move out for a while now. Part of me is excited, while the other half cries at the thought of not seeing him everyday. I wish I knew what is wrong with me. Why does the thought of leaving a toxic situation hurt so bad? He's a good man, but I feel like I'm putting more effort into the relationship than he is. When I expressed my desire to break up, though, he didn't seem to care. He didn't fight for us. He just said, "Well, if that's what you want..."

I didn't tell him that I wanted to break up to see his reaction or to see him beg. I told him to prepare him, but I suppose I didn't have to.

He is taking advantage of your youth and inexperience. Doesn't sound fair to you. You can still pursue your education. Don't waste more time.

He has expressed, time and time again, that he hoped I was "the one". When I met him, I told my best friend at the time that I was going to marry this man. All because he seemed perfect. I wasn't even looking for a relationship. I was just a girl at a political function who met a guy and fell in love with him. I know he loves me because he never stops saying it; I just wish he acted like it. He has admitted that he hates being forty, single, and childless. He dedicated his entire life to his career and moving up in his company. He just forgot to settle down. I feel horrible for him. I wanted to be the girl who he married and had children with. I know I am young, and that is a stupid thing to think, but I genuinely thought that's what would happen.

And now the friends who didn't support me in the beginning, the family who disagreed with my decision to move in with him, and the people who doubted us, are right. My cousin, who said she would be there for me when he breaks my heart, was right. I feel so stupid. I don't want to seem like a dumb, blind teenager who thought she was in love, but I do feel like I deserve time to be heartbroken.

I really, really appreciate everyone's advice. You are all so kind and wise.

Move back to your parents and pursue your studies and career. Why can't he date you, if you're so in love with each other? Why did he install you in his house after less than a year and start treating you like dirt?

I've been making plans to move out for a while now. Part of me is excited, while the other half cries at the thought of not seeing him everyday.

He's a good man,

Not if he was holding you back on your education. And senior prom? How old were you when you started dating him? Where the heck were your parents during this time?

He has admitted that he hates being forty, single, and childless. He dedicated his entire life to his career and moving up in his company. He just forgot to settle down. I feel horrible for him. I wanted to be the girl who he married and had children with. I know I am young, and that is a stupid thing to think, but I genuinely thought that's what would happen.

Sounds like you took pity on his misery and wanted to fix him. Now you're learning he is who he is. He gives you this sob story and does nothing to change.

A 40 year old man who dated high school girls... no offense but he sounds like a potential child molestor. It's so creepy to think someone the age of HS student's father would climb into a relationship with one.

Break ups are painful, but this one is really for the best. You need to find guys your age and focus on a career where you don't have to rely on anyone.

Snny, I was eighteen at the time we began dating. I turned eighteen a few months in to my senior year of HS and moved in with him a few months after on a whim. At the time, I did not have a great relationship with my parents due to our conflicting religious beliefs (they are very, very Mormon). Please do not assume that he is attracted to children, because he is not. I moved out of my parents house and in with him because I had a rebellious streak. I now have a fantastic relationship with my parents.

He likely did what he needed to do to land a hot 18 year old, now that he has you he doesn't need to do much else because he knows you probably won't go anywhere. I'd honestly go back home to your parents and let him be an unhealthy 40 year old.

I hate feeling like I'm giving up,

You need to give up.

Don't keep rationalizing with it.

I get it you are in love with him, but the red flags are there, and you know it.

Leave now and be happy that you can. If you were 50 and he was 70, not so different, but 19 is just getting life started! He is happy to keep you as his half-his-age girl, but don't delude yourself into thinking it's REAL love he is experiencing with you, because its not.

Sorry its not what you were looking to hear from all of us, but take the advice....move back with your parents and keep yourself available for someone in your stage of life.

You are not trapped. You are stubborn. Being smart about leave this creep is not admitting failure, it's pursuing success in your life.

I moved out of my parents house and in with him because I had a rebellious streak. I now have a fantastic relationship with my parents.

You've got two choices here:

1. Give up your life, stay taking care of a 40 year old man who does not care and is lazy with his own life and his health. Stay there and feel sorry for him and be trapped for good. Give up all your dreams.

2. Be strong enough to not allow him to take everything away from you (he had his chance at life and what he wanted). Break up with him, wish him well and get your life back on track. Get back to the pre-med program, meet people your own age. Find yourself and your life...NOT his, your life.

Choose wisely, you don't get a second chance.

You don't want to wake up one day with an overweight middle aged man who has gotten even more lazier and makes zero efforts for you and you've lost all your dreams and never had a fair shot at anything.

"I turned eighteen a few months in to my senior year of HS and moved in with him a few months after on a whim. At the time, I did not have a great relationship with my parents due to our conflicting religious beliefs"

Yeah, it wasn't a whim. Psychology plays a big part in your actions, and you can see a pattern with people who've done the same thing under the same circumstances. My friend said she married right out of high school, and now with life experience realizes she was escaping from a stressful home life with her mother and stepfather. That marriage didn't last long, as her bf cheated on her.

Don't beat yourself up about your mistakes. Everyone makes them, especially when young. As long as you learn from the mistake, you can vow to make wiser decisions in the future. Stay single for a good long while and concentrate on your education. Enjoy your freedom in your youth. If there's anywhere you'd like to travel to, now's a good time to do some of that if you can afford it or make an effort to save for it, and enjoy time with girlfriends. You have the rest of your life to get serious with someone, and don't make major decisions like living with someone until you've had a solid, happy relationship with him for at least a good two years.

And as I said to my stepdaughter when she was a teen and much older men would flirt with her when she worked at a fast food joint, "These men are so screwed up in the head that they don't think about how even though a girl has the body of a woman, her mind hasn't matured to an adult level yet. Don't give them the time of day by replying to their inappropriate behavior. Just walk away."

Even though you are technically an adult, you're a new adult and haven't had the life experience to detect red flags yet and avoid screwed up people. That's another reason to stick to improving your life solo for a while before you have a better handle on romance. Take care.

You don't want to wake up one day with an overweight middle aged man who has gotten even more lazier and makes zero efforts for you and you've lost all your dreams and never had a fair shot at anything.

Sounds like she already is waking up with an overweight (early) middle aged man who is lazy and makes zero efforts for her. However, yes, she has a great shot at all her dreams, being just 19.