Am I flirting with an affair?

I'm a middle aged married man. I recently kissed a younger co worker on one of our business trips. She initiated it and I followed. Since then I've noticed I've gotten more attention than usual from her. She'll text me once and a while but nothing inappropriate or discussing what happened. I'm not trying to engage in taking what happened any further. But I also don't want to assume she's interested. Just because she's being nice to me doesn't mean she wants anything more. I think we're both embarrassed but I also don't want to send he mixed signals. What's the best way to deal with this? Is it possible that she likes me? She's not being overbearing or inappropriate but on my birthday she bought me a small and thoughtful gift. My coworkers also took me out for a drink on my birthday. She couldn't make it but sent me a text message saying she was bummed she couldn't make it out. I need to travel with her again. Do I need to be careful? I feel so naive about this. I didn't ever expect this to happen. Ive always assumed someone being nice to me was simply that. But since we've already made a bad decision with the kiss have I opened the door up to trouble?

I know I'm being an idiot. But I'm also just trying to process what I'm feeling and how to deal with the situation. If she's simply being nice and this isn't flirting I wont read into it.

Thanks!

Well, you cheated and are currently cheating, so there’s that.

Yes I know. I feel terrible about that. The currently cheating remark surprised me though. The realization of what that means sheds some light on my actions. Cheating isn't always physical.

It’s an emotional affair. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t care if she’s into you or not.

You're not flirting with an affair. You're having an affair.

Well, you cheated and are currently cheating, so there’s that.

I agree! Did you tell your wife?

If your wife had done the same would you consider it cheating? How would you feel if she continued contacted and accepted gifts from the guy?

I feel terrible. And yes it's cheating. I guess I was just trying to figure out if it was worth telling the other person that I can't / will not go any further. I guess I was selfishly more concerned with looking like I assumed she wanted more. When in reality it doesn't matter. It starts with me.

Are you willing to lose your marriage over you ego?

How would you feel if your wife had done the same?

i think you should stop thinking whether there's anything to tell this coworker...and start thinking about how you're going to tell your wife instead

i think you should stop thinking whether there's anything to tell this coworker...and start thinking about how you're going to tell your wife instead :nightmare:

Great advice!!!!

Not good. Confused etc. I never in a million years thought I would be "that guy" It's overwhelming. Hence reaching out to a forum. At first I was like we only kissed. then I realized how simple it is, cheating is cheating.

Why don't you answer my question: how would you feel if your wife were doing the same?????????

You KNOW you're heading towards an affair. Your entire first post is basically asking if you have a chance with your coworker. There is zero introspection or reflection upon how it could affect your marriage. You actually haven't even mentioned your wife once. Other people have.

It’s an emotional affair. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t care if she’s into you or not.

And it's egotistical, too. Otherwise, why mention that she's a "younger" coworker.

Watch out, Hemmingway. I don't think that your rational mind is making the decisions.

i think you should stop thinking whether there's anything to tell this coworker...and start thinking about how you're going to tell your wife instead :nightmare:

Excellent point.

Sometimes you have to give a voice to what you're thinking and feeling before it really makes sense. It's how people process things. You're giving a voice to something difficult in your life, and now it's becoming clear to you that you've crossed some boundaries.

How's your relationship with your wife?

Thinking about myself, it'd be hard for me to hear about my partner kissing another person. But, I'd appreciate the honesty. I'd want to know how it happened. And why. Context is important. In your circumstance, the other woman initiated. And you followed. Why did you follow? Do you feel infatuated? Is there a deeper emotional connection? Is it superficial attraction? Do you feel like something is lacking in your marriage?

How well do you know your wife? How would she feel? For me, I'd feel hurt by it, but I'd also see it as a sign that our connection was lacking in terms of emotional intimacy. If there's something deeper going on for you, why haven't you been able to talk about it with her? Why couldn't you say something before lines were crossed? Thinking about other people is normal. Attraction to other people is normal. Personally, I think it's okay to discuss these things with my partner (because we've both indicated it's okay to do that).

All this to say, boundary with your co-worker is important. You're married. You made a mistake. You're accountable for your own actions. But it can't go further. Does the co-worker know you're married? I think most people back off when they know these things. It doesn't have to be a big thing. Firm acknowledgement of your circumstances.

And knowing your wife is important. Some people wouldn't want to know if something like this happened. Probably not the majority though. Most people want to know. If you have a strong relationship, there's room for growth from this in my opinion. Courage!

Thanks. A lot to process here. I honestly can say it's not my ego. It's more like I'm dumbfounded that there's interest in me. I know it's wrong and I have to figure out how to let this go.

My marriage is ok. This has made me realize there is something missing. And it's my fault, not my wife's. She's perfect and I don't deserve her. But I'm realizing I married her because everyone else loves her. She's so perfect etc. I don't understand why I did what I did. But it was easy to give in. Since I did not pursue it. Something has scratched the surface of my emotional state in my marriage. Kissing this girl has made me realize I've been dishonest with myself. I don't know if I'll tell her...

Tell her. Then seek marriage counseling.

I guess you are going to avoid my question. Strange.

Thanks. A lot to process here. I honestly can say it's not my ego. It's more like I'm dumbfounded that there's interest in me. I know it's wrong and I have to figure out how to let this go.

My marriage is ok. This has made me realize there is something missing. And it's my fault, not my wife's. She's perfect and I don't deserve her. But I'm realizing I married her because everyone else loves her. She's so perfect etc. I don't understand why I did what I did. But it was easy to give in. Since I did not pursue it. Something has scratched the surface of my emotional state in my marriage. Kissing this girl has made me realize I've been dishonest with myself. I don't know if I'll tell her...

Have you thought about finding a counsellor for yourself, first? Might help bring some clarity. Lots of swirling thoughts. Not always great to have a conversation with the person involved when you're feeling so confused about it. Nice to have outside perspective that wants to help you, and isn't there to judge or cast blame.

I responded to you. I'm new to forums. It must have gone to the main thread?

My answer is I would not be happy about it. It would only confuse me more.

We do have one. This is harder than I thought. I don't feel ready to tell her.

Tell her. Then seek marriage counseling.

 

I guess you are going to avoid my question. Strange.

I responded to you. I'm new to forums. It must have gone to the main thread?

My answer is I would not be happy about it. It would only confuse me more.

You should cut all contact out of respect for your wife. You should also work on the problems between the two of you that have caused you to search for another partner.

I'm a middle aged married man. I recently kissed a younger co worker on one of our business trips. She initiated it and I followed. Since then I've noticed I've gotten more attention than usual from her. She'll text me once and a while but nothing inappropriate or discussing what happened. I'm not trying to engage in taking what happened any further. But I also don't want to assume she's interested. Just because she's being nice to me doesn't mean she wants anything more. I think we're both embarrassed but I also don't want to send he mixed signals. What's the best way to deal with this? Is it possible that she likes me? She's not being overbearing or inappropriate but on my birthday she bought me a small and thoughtful gift. My coworkers also took me out for a drink on my birthday. She couldn't make it but sent me a text message saying she was bummed she couldn't make it out. I need to travel with her again. Do I need to be careful? I feel so naive about this. I didn't ever expect this to happen. Ive always assumed someone being nice to me was simply that. But since we've already made a bad decision with the kiss have I opened the door up to trouble?

 

I know I'm being an idiot. But I'm also just trying to process what I'm feeling and how to deal with the situation. If she's simply being nice and this isn't flirting I wont read into it.

 

Thanks!

Is this a serious question? You are a cheater, no excuses, end of story. Its made even worse by you talking about whether ur coworker is interested or not. Details of your coworker shouldnt even be mentioned. You cheated on your wife and you are now a cheater. To be honest, im disgusted. Be an honest man and tell your wife.

But since we've already made a bad decision with the kiss have I opened the door up to trouble?

Yes.

And honestly, if you were really on the up and up about not wanting to have an affair, you wouldn't care if she liked you or not. You'd be making the appropriate plans to make sure you weren't alone with her again, and you wouldn't be keeping in contact with her.

You've already massively overstepped the mark where your marriage is concerned.

Yes.

 

And honestly, if you were really on the up and up about not wanting to have an affair, you wouldn't care if she liked you or not. You'd be making the appropriate plans to make sure you weren't alone with her again, and you wouldn't be keeping in contact with her.

 

You've already massively overstepped the mark where your marriage is concerned.

The only reason I cared if she liked me or not was based on what I would do next. My plan is to NOT engage in further actions. If I understood she liked me, or wanted more my plan was to talk to her. Tell her it wont go further. If shes simply just being respectful than I wasn't going to say anything and act as if nothing happened. This is not what I wanted. It happened. Im just trying to deal with it and I do understand my post reads selfishly. I get it. I did overstep the mark. Now I just want to make everything ok.