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Thread: I feel like Iím second best - heís been telling his ex he loves her

  1. #1
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    I feel like Iím second best - heís been telling his ex he loves her

    A couple of weeks ago I had an insecure moment and checked my boyfriendís texts. Weíve been together almost 6mths and although we argue a lot, we have a pretty good relationship - or so I thought. I saw a message to his ex girlfriend. It was dated 3wks before - on New Yearís Day. In it he told her that he misses her every day, he canít move on and he loves her with every beat of his heart and always will. He called her princess (which he had been calling me for a while) and signed off by saying he loves her very much (which is how he usually tells me he loves me). It turns out this wasnít his first message to her. There seemed to be quite a few messages to her but I only read the ones that were during our relationship. The first was just before xmas wishing her well, sending xmas greetings and telling her he misses her every day. The second was the day after that asking her to stay out of his town as it was awful seeing her as he canít move on. The third was the one mentioned above that destroyed me to read.
    I confronted him about it and he told me that he bumped into her at a concert and had to leave as it messed with his head seeing her. He then got drunk and sent her the message to stay away as he couldnít deal with seeing her. I at first believed this to be a lie - worldís biggest coincidence to suddenly message someone and then bump into them the very next day. We discussed it and I believe that it was a coincidence as heíd been given a free ticket to attend rather than my original belief that heíd purchased it knowing that sheíd be there. Sheís moved on and was there with a new partner.

    When I first confronted him about it he lied and said he hadnít messaged her. I gave him another chance to come clean and he still lied. I told him Iíd seen his phone and he straight away deleted the number and the messages. I didnít see him actually do that though - he just said he did. He told me it started because he wanted something back from her. There was no message about that and I asked him if he was lying and he said no - so either there were more messages heís deleted or heís lying about the message content.

    He canít give me an explanation why he messaged her and told her all those things that hurt me to read. He told me he doesnít love her - but if he didnít, why would he keep telling her he does in messages? He says that what sometimes happens is that he has a dream about her and itís very vivid - he then feels incredibly guilty for being the cause of their breakup (heíd been texting an ex - surprise surprise. So she dumped him). He needed counselling to get over their breakup and got himself into a lot of debt while he was depressed. Iím helping him out currently with repaying the debts so now feel like Iím locked into the relationship until he pays me back.

    He was incredibly upset while we talked it through and said heíd do anything to make me understand how much I mean to him and how much he loves me and wants me in his life for the foreseeable future. Since this, he appears to have little patience with me when I feel insecure and get upset. He doesnít seem to understand that he made me feel like that and I canít get over it in a day. He wants me to just get over it and move on (mainly because it makes him feel bad) - but I donít think I can. I feel like heís only with me because he canít have her. She doesnít appear to have replied to any of his messages so I guess sheís blocked his number. It seems to me that if sheíd replied, heíd have kept up the conversation. He admitted that if I hadnít found the messages he would never have told me he was continuing to message her.

    Whatís even more odd is that this isnít a recent relationship - they broke up in 2013!!!
    Heís very inexperienced relationship-wise and a bit immature despite being 38. Iíve been in a long term relationship, married and divorced so have a totally different background for understanding how to behave when youíre in a relationship. But he canít use this as an excuse. Neither am I accepting the fact that heíd been drinking the night before all these messages were sent. They were the morning after - not when he was under the influence. And it hurts me to know that when heís drunk or hungover, itís not me that he thinks about. He actively ignores me when heís out with his friends whereas a few months ago he would have been calling me during his night out.

    Iíd be interested in any comments about whether Iím right to feel second best and if Iím just being too insecure - my ex did pretty much the same thing to me and I donít want this to be a re-run of me feeling worthless and insecure all the time (my ex truly did want to be with his ex rather than me though).


    Heís promised not to message her again and as far as I know he has no way of contacting her now heís deleted the number. Heís a very emotional person and I wonder if he doesnít love her the way Iím thinking. He told me very early in the relationship that he loves me - maybe he just feels things easier than I do.

    I also discovered he has an active tinder profile which I didnít know about. He swears that he hasnít used it and deleted it. I never had any reason to suspect he was lying to me before I found out about the messages and profile. He always came across as loving and truthful.

  2. #2
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    I don't think you should be thinking of yourself as second best, but I do consider your boyfriend to be extremely manipulative and point blank, a liar.

    He still has feelings for his ex, and there's no reason for him to have a Tinder profile because he's in a relationship with you. For him to justify to you that he has a Tinder account, but doesn't use it is complete BS. He shouldn't have Tinder, period.

    Do you know how he met his ex? Did they meet through Tinder?

    Also, please stop loaning him money. You're assisting someone who doesn't deserve your help!

    I'd drop this guy, OP. He's bad news.

    There are so many red flags here, I don't know where to begin.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Your "insecure moment" was the rational part of YOU trying to get yourself to wake up and face reality. You look at him like he's a helpless wounded bird, but he's got you and his ex wrapped around his little finger. You ought to give him a little more credit because he's very sly. He lies to your face, makes empty promises, and basically does whatever he wants because he knows you'll chalk it up to his supposed emotional incompetence.

    You've really backed yourself into a corner here. How much money does he owe you?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Break up with this manipulative jerk as soon as possible. As to the money try to get a lawyer into it but if it's not possible I'd say that your mental health and self worth is more important than that money. Block, delete and try to find a support system that helps you keep away from this person.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    my ex truly did want to be with his ex rather than me though
    so does this one.

    i'm very, very sorry you're going through this.

    unfortunately, six months may not have been enough to catch on to the fact he was still invested elsewhere. he obviously sees no issue with it, and does a great job rationalizing his involvement with his exs to himself- and expects you to not make it a big deal that he has persistent feelings for someone else, and pursues them.

    it's amusing, and fairly standard of someone who transfers their unmet desires neurotically from person to person to have them idealize their new partners and declare love eagerly and early in an attempt at regaining what they feel they've lost with the previous one, via proxy so to speak. And because it's a feeling they've displaced from someone onto someone else, the "replacement" doesn't fully "replace" the ex, who is quickly romanticized and idealized again... and his rationalization aside, he is well aware of that, and acted on it. In short, it's not that you're "second best", that is sanitizing it. You're literally with someone who is still very much hung up on his ex- and it appears he is looking many places, tinder included, to compensate for not being with her. He doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you enough to question the appropriateness of his feelings for others, or his behavior.

    if, at 38, he can tell himself, and you, that this investment in his exs is something you should simply accept, and "enjoy" his lack of commitment to you like nothing at all disturbing is taking place, you can be sure you're not in for anything pleasant if you stay- unless you meant and wanted to get involved with someone who isn't certain beyond all doubt you're what they want.


    he is neither loving, nor truthful. he is sentimental- and yearns a lot of sentiment from others- and the longing isn't for you, outside of how much comfort you are offering (and i dare say, because you're literally paying for his "pining for the ex" in money as well).

    you're going to be beyond miserable if you settle for someone who doesn't want you nearly the same as you do him.

    if there is a 38 year old out there who just suddenly resolves his mirror-stage fixation simply because someone who feels strongly about them deserves the same in return, rather than because they recognize it themselves it'd be a prerequisite for any talk of love with anyone new...they're doing a darn fine job flying under the radar.

    this one is nursing a lost attachment with no wish to give it up.

    i really hope you leave, before you internalize his behavior as proof of being unfit for, or unworthy of more.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    And why at 6 months of dating you're paying his debts???

  8. #7
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    Get the money back and go, or cut your losses.

    We all need a minimum standard of partners. Someone who tries to leave for someone else and lies should be below your minimum standard.

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    You need to get rid of him. Even if he never messages her again, that doesn't solve the bigger underlying problem: he doesn't love you or respect you at all. He loves your bank account.

    Stop paying for anything, and find a guy who isn't in love with his ex. And do not pay the next one's debts either!

  10. #9
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    Thanks for your reply. The tinder thing was upsetting to me as heíd previously been very unhappy that I hadnít deleted my online dating account early enough in our relationship. He made a big deal of deleting his and I do know he wasnít using it as I used to periodically check he wasnít online and he never was - heíd even let me check it when I asked a couple of timeís to ensure he wasnít messaging anyone. He never was but Iíve since found out how easy it is to delete the evidence if you keep on top of doing it. As he didnít use that dating account I found it reasonable that he didnít use tinder either. He did delete it once I complained about him having it.
    I donít know how he met his ex but itís possible it was online dating. It seems guys on the site I met him on just rely on it to go from one relationship to the next. He was in a relationship with someone else between meeting me and getting dumped by his ex so I know itís not a rebound - he takes a long gap in between relationships. But I do think heíll likely always love her in some form.

    I lent him a small amount of money but wonít lend him the other £2000 he needs to pay off his debts. Heís been happily paying small portions off over the years but since we met heís wanted to pay more off as he knows Iím not willing to stay in the relationship unless he pays them off as soon as possible. I donít think that spending money on himself to get over a breakup is a reasonable thing to have done in the first place.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Honey you have nothing to do with his debt or what he does with his money or not. It's his problem. You just have to decide if you're willing to put up with this liar or not.

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