Help setting boundaries with soon to be ex

Background: My wife and I have been together for 15 years and have decided to divorce. I have two boys from a prior marriage, she has none. We recently signed our property settlement agreement and I will be keeping the house and our two dogs.

Over the past month, as we worked on our property settlement, several issues have come up on how we move forward. One of the biggest issues relates to the dogs. During our year plus separation, she has requested to stop by and walk the dogs a couple times a week. I have been very considerate and do my best to accommodate her. She requested, and I agreed to split all dog related expenses moving forward.

In addition to the dog expenses, she recently told me there was no need for me to open a new COSTCO account, as she would be happy to take me if needed. She also offered to pay me $200 per month to manage her 457K plan.

My female friends tell me she is just looking for a way to hang on. I am not interested in maintaining a friendship post divorce, but I am unsure of how to set healthy boundaries.

I'm sure many of you have been there done that. Advise please.

I'd actually do some research on the psychological effects on a dog with a previous owner sporadically popping in after extended absences. I know it'd be hard for your ex, but it's most likely in the dog's best interest she completely fade away.

And while many former couples might be able to amicably negotiate transactions like her paying you to handle an account, if you know or even think you wouldn't be comfortable with it, you can and should plainly say as much.

Sorry to hear this. Sever all things. Get your own costco account. Let her get a financial planner/stockbroker/ accountant. Divorce is sad but she must get used to being single and stop acting like a couple. Unfortunately your friends are right, she's hanging on and this will prevent you from moving forward or dating in the future. Stop letting her come to walk the dogs, pay for your dogs yourself. What if you want to date, how will you explain her showing up to new women?

Your friends are right: she is looking for a way to hang on.

And yes, jman is right: research the psychological effects of a dog sporadically seeing a previous owner. Dogs are not children; they do not understand logic.

I recently ended an 18-month relationship with someone who dog-shares with his previous ex-wife. It became a nightmare, as her dog drop-offs morphed into other little things, just like yours is wanting, which then morphed into lots of texts, which morphed into all sorts of "emergencies". It was her way to hang on, and it became a huge sticking point in our relationship, as the further along we got, the more she'd interfere. I ended up leaving him, and this was a large part of it.

The dog became more and more aggressive and withdrawn, to the point where this "sweet little doggie" snapped at me once. Apparently, the dog bit the girl he dated right after me as well. The dog became very lethargic, basically laying around all day, doing absolutely nothing, except when my ex would pay attention to it. The dog un-house trained itself, and began regularly relieving himself in the house, and he even snarled at my ex once when he tried to take a plastic toy out of his mouth, as the plastic was breaking apart....the dog ultimately had to have an 8" incision to remove it from his stomach.

Make a clean break with her. Let her get a new dog and move on with her life.

The only thing I would agree to is the dog walking, and that would be if she's truly had a years- long bond with the dogs. (Assuming they aren't young dogs you've had for less than a year). And when she takes the dogs, I'd make the chats as brief as possible. With the dog-walking though, I do see a problem when you eventually start dating again. A new love interest won't be too happy about an ex doing this. Perhaps suggest that your ex get a new animal to fill the void, since she has the time to devote to having a pet.

Thanks J.Man..I watch the dogs interactions with her and I agree with the psychological effects in play. It very well may pan out that I have to tell her that dog visits are not in the dogs best interest. She is currently renting a room from a friend and I have told her that she needs to get a place where she can take the dogs for a few days when she wants. I think that may work as opposed to popping in now and then. As far as me handling her account, I don't think I will be comfortable with it and probably will tell her such. I don't think she accepts the "privacy clause" in the agreement and will not be pleased when I ask for her house key later this month after refi.

The dogs are 8 and 10 years old. The 8 year was a wedding gift from me to her as she wanted another dog. We bought a house together 15 years ago, but only been married 8 plus years. LHGIRL..funny you mention the house breaking..one of them has had two accidents in the house over the past month and I was thinking it might be a little protest piss.

There are many layers of detaching from a divorce.

emotional, physical, financial, etc.

I remember going through all of these, and yes sometimes one party wants to keep some symbolic form of attachment.

People don't want to appear petty and kick someone off their Netflix account, even if it doesn't cost them anything.

It is sad but it is ultimately best to server all ties and move on.

I don't know the right way to share pets, though. So I can't comment on that.

I will say that while my mom was in the hospital, I kenneled her dog at the vet promising to visit it everyday.

The staff told me that it wasn't a good idea, that the dog would be stressed every time I leave and it would feel left behind and abandoned.

I think she needs to get her own place and stop popping in and out of the dogs' lives. It must be confusing to them. I'm a total dog lover and I'd never agree to share them like that. Dogs like consistency and routine, which they won't get with this setup.

She needs her own financial planner, other than you. I agree she's trying to hang on.

reinventmyself..Yes there are many layers of detaching during the divorce process. We both struggle with the emotional side of the breakup. We have been best friends for at least 15 years and none of this is easy. I understand that it is usually best to cut all ties, but easier said than done. I would hope that we could have a "how are you doing" now and then relationship moving forward, but I feel as though she wants/needs more than that. I see the dogs, Costco card and me managing her 457k plan as her way of staying a little closer to me. Just trying to see how others have handled similar situations. Thanks for your response.

reinventmyself..Yes there are many layers of detaching during the divorce process. We both struggle with the emotional side of the breakup. We have been best friends for at least 15 years and none of this is easy. I understand that it is usually best to cut all ties, but easier said than done. I would hope that we could have a "how are you doing" now and then relationship moving forward, but I feel as though she wants/needs more than that. I see the dogs, Costco card and me managing her 457k plan as her way of staying a little closer to me. Just trying to see how others have handled similar situations. Thanks for your response.

I see this all the time. People leave little ties left behind that ultimately come undone in time.

I just witnessed it with someone recently who's been separated for 2 yrs with no communication with the ex. It's somewhat jarring when you least expect it and find out your Costco card doesn't work when your grocery cart is full and you can't access Netflix when you least expect it. It seems petty and people get offended, hurt and confused at the same time. It also flushes up unresolved grief from the past. You start to wonder what the motives were. It just seems so unnecessary.

I guess the point here is, why not sever all ties and have a cordial relationship without the random obligations. . that could ultimately end up leading to misunderstands?

Random obligations...never looked at it like that..very good.

Random obligations...never looked at it like that..very good.

Sharing a Costco card doesn't guarantee you'll be cordial to each other.

It's the character and history between two people that will dictate how well you will get along from this point on.

Well said...

Nope..it’s not easier said than done you just do it..my wife left after 24 years and so there was many shared scenarios that needed severing. Later there was the guy she was cheating on me with using my gas points for his car because we shared the grocery log in info..all these things need to be cut completely. She accused me of being petty but who cares? I’m not providing discounted gas to her new boyfriend. These little ties keep you connected and believe me it’s never good unless the goal is reconciliation..if it’s completely over between the 2 of you then you need to sever everything, even the dogs. Figure out who is keeping them and make that stick..they’re not children with shared visitation..we had 2 dogs and and a cat at the time she left and they were just fine not seeing her. The dogs have since passed since this was 4 years ago but the cat is currently asleep on my bed lol. She seems a-ok...the cat that is I haven’t spoke to my ex in years

Cutting all ties will help you both move forward.

Take it from someone who ended what I thought was the love of my life, with someone who just "couldn't/wouldn't" cut all ties with his ex.

Once you find someone new (and you will!), most women who have been single will not take too kindly at your ex texting you because Costco is having a new promotion on their card, or asking why, when you pull up your Netflix history, it shows movies you've never shown an interest in. Not to mention the dogs.....oh the dogs.

Most quality women will take the opportunity to walk away as soon as they realize you still have these little ties. I did.

Cutting all ties will help you both move forward.

 

Take it from someone who ended what I thought was the love of my life, with someone who just "couldn't/wouldn't" cut all ties with his ex.

 

Once you find someone new (and you will!), most women who have been single will not take too kindly at your ex texting you because Costco is having a new promotion on their card, or asking why, when you pull up your Netflix history, it shows movies you've never shown an interest in. Not to mention the dogs.....oh the dogs.

 

Most quality women will take the opportunity to walk away as soon as they realize you still have these little ties. I did.

These are great points..the gal I’ve been talking to lately that I’ve known before I even met my ex..she is also divorced but it seems to me her ex is too much in her life. Even though they share kids the kids are in high school but he’s still over at her house for whatever reason. It’s really held me back on advancing the relationship. What are we all going to share a pizza? I’ve mentioned to her I’m completely NC with my ex and haven’t spoke to her in ages and we too share kids that are grown now, but she still mentions her ex at kids sporting events or stopping by or whatever..also makes me think twice

WOW..great advise, thank you very much. As far as keeping the dogs, the settlement agreement makes it clear they stay with me. She demanded that we split all dog related costs, as she wanted the dogs to stay in the only house they have lived in. The only time she has been to the house lately, was when we needed to discuss property issues. She has not asked to walk the dogs as she knows i'm home every day this time of year. During the summer, I play golf numerous times per week and she would ask to come walk the dogs while I was out all day golfing.

My oldest son and his fiance are moving into the house with me in May. That will help solve the need for someone to care for the dogs when I'm not around. Great advise on future relationships. Can't see a new girl being real comfortable with the ex being involved.

Time will tell where this goes. She has to have all of her belongings out of the house by the end of March and she has already indicated that she may need more time. Maybe just another hanging on thing..we shall see..thanks

She demanded that we split all dog related costs

Is this in your divorce decree? When you say "demanded", why did you agree to this? If she is in fact legally bound to pay for half of all dog-related costs, then this entire discussion is moot, because yes, she will want rights to have access to the dogs, and of course, to you.

If this is the case, and you two are legally and financially bound together in this manner, then I would not date someone in that situation, I'm sorry to say.

The agreement says that since the parties separated, I have been the caretaker for the dogs and that arrangement will continue. We are to share costs and expenses to include food, medicines and vet bills.

She is very appreciative that I am willing to keep the dogs and was direct in saying that she did not want me to have to accept total financial responsibility. So yes, I guess you could say we are legally and financially bound.

You could also consider that she is attached to the dogs and they are attached to her. This isn't all just about you. The dogs are also old and won't be around forever. Personally, I have no issues with shared "custody" of pets so long as otherwise there are boundaries in place. Meaning no phone calls late at night with "come over to help me fix the microwave".

As for the rest - cards, memberships, retirement funds - separate all that out as soon as possible. Tell her that you appreciate the offer re membership card, but it's best you have your own. Tell her straight up that you can't continue to manage the funds and that she must find someone to take over.

Dancingfool..you hit much of the issue right on the head. She is very attached to the dogs and they are attached to her. I have in no way tried to make this all about me, in fact, I'm looking for advise on how it could work with the dogs. It breaks my heart when I see her crying when she leaves the dogs. They were her life. As far as the cards etc..everyone is right and I will cut all ties as far as those issues are concerned. Thanks

Dancingfool..you hit much of the issue right on the head. She is very attached to the dogs and they are attached to her. I have in no way tried to make this all about me, in fact, I'm looking for advise on how it could work with the dogs. It breaks my heart when I see her crying when she leaves the dogs. They were her life. As far as the cards etc..everyone is right and I will cut all ties as far as those issues are concerned. Thanks

Then talk to her about them. She probably meant well to leave them in the house, but if she gets her own dog friendly place, then it might be good for all involved for her to take them or to see if they'll do well with spending time between both places. Dogs aren't really that attached to a place, they are much more attached to their people. I've had dogs all my life, my family and myself have moved around quite often. The dog's attitude about change like that is pretty nonchalant, more like "oh we live here now? OK."

Boundaries are simply that you don't stay involved with each other outside of the dog topics.

So she would keep a key to your house so she could come over and let herself in to walk them?

Look, you came here asking for help on how to set boundaries, so I'm not trying to be hard on you. It's just that I literally went through this exact same thing, and yes, with other little ties like Costco cards, etc. And yes, it did morph into 3 a.m. "emergency" calls about the dogs (non-emergencies).

Here's what I suggested in my situation, which was not accepted, but I'll suggest it to you: Hire a 3rd party. A high school kid looking for extra money, or a housekeeper who gets paid for an extra hour of her time. That person would keep your keys and bring the dogs to her house, so that she can walk and play with them, and that person would return the dogs to your house. She should never be entering your residence. Period. Not while you are there, and certainly not while you are not.

While I understand her missing the dogs, it's unfortunate, but that's part of divorce. Generally, courts consider a dog property, and treat it (legally) as a possession. You do not split visitation with a favorite vase. I get it, dogs are different, people have feelings, but this is something she's using to stay in your life.

I was warned repeatedly by well-meaning family and friends, and I brushed it all off. It was disastrous.

Dancingfool..I have talked to her..I told her she needs to get a dog friendly place where she can at least have the dogs some times. She seems to think that they will not survive outside of the only house they have known. I agree with you that dogs really do adjust, and they would be fine in a shared relationship. To a point, I don't think she really wants to be tied down by the dogs. We had a difficult time when we lost our dog sitter years ago and stopped vacationing together. She has gone out of town to visit family numerous times during the separation with no need to worry about the dogs. As much as she loves her dogs, I think that me keeping the dogs works well for her at this stage of her life..we shall see..thanks again