Arguing!?

I have accepted me and my ex are finished he's moved on with an ex from his past.

He says we argued loads to mutual friends; what he didn't consider or say to people that there was a lot of buiłt up anger on my side with him taking cocaine in front of me, name calling me a b"tch and c'nt on holiday where I was with his family, embarrassing me in front of his family shouting at me to go home, trying to cause a reaction from me and then telling his friends this is what he has to put up with, impatient with me looking for ingredients around Sainsbury's, pushy with me if I'm causing us to be late, controlling starting fights when I just wanted to put on the washing, not indroducing me to females whilst we're out him flirting, bringing druggy mates round in the middle of the night whilst I'm there with sex toys on show for them, sex toys then stolen by said mates, prioritising football/drinking over me. Making "jokes" that are hurtful, refusing to go out for some alone time on holiday, shouting at me for spilling water or a drink that I cleaned up.

We were only together 5 months!! All the above happened in the last 6 weeks

I just feel that his behaviour and telling people we were arguing is a get out clause! I think the only argument was I had to travel 1.5 hours to work the least he could do was drop me to the station on time but he would always get up late ( and work was noticing me always late). The only other argument I started was when he called me another girls name who was on holiday with us it's similar to my name but not my name so obvs I got annoyed

I'm just sick of the whole thing and why some people's accounts of a relationship is so different!!!! Grrrr rant over 😒

He sounds awful.

Next time you need to bail as soon as you start seeing such big red flags.

Why did it take you so long to get rid of him?

Yeah, he sounds awful. Horrible. Terrible. Hope you're not still mentally fighting with him. Try to let that go.

This is what I keep asking myself. Well it only went on for the last 6 weeks of our 5 month relationship and I couldn't figure out why our dynamic had suddenly changed. I guess I thought that this couldn't be the boy I've been happy with for the last 4 months he was very good at deflecting things that were his fault and I stupidly made excuses .. he's drunk, maybe I am wrong for saying such and such but really his reactions were so out of order on reflection.

I even tried to get back with him when I broke up with him! Crazy ay! My self esteem had been getting lower and lower throughout he wouldn't answer his phone a lot at night as he went out partying. I just couldn't deal with it anymore by the end.

His brain is fried. That's it. You can't apply logic or reason to that.

him taking cocaine. bringing druggy mates round in the middle of the night

This is what I keep asking myself. Well it only went on for the last 6 weeks of our 5 month relationship and I couldn't figure out why our dynamic had suddenly changed. I guess I thought that this couldn't be the boy I've been happy with for the last 4 months he was very good at deflecting things that were his fault and I stupidly made excuses .. he's drunk, maybe I am wrong for saying such and such but really his reactions were so out of order on reflection.

 

I even tried to get back with him when I broke up with him! Crazy ay! My self esteem had been getting lower and lower throughout he wouldn't answer his phone a lot at night as he went out partying. I just couldn't deal with it anymore by the end.

It's understandable that you were in disbelief. It's sad that things changed like that, and that it had to end that way. But fortunately, that last part only lasted for 6 weeks. You weren't stuck with him for years. That could have done a lot of damage.

I don't mentally fight with it anymore, I think I am just in disbelief and blamed myself for stuff which wasn't actually my fault! Every couple argues and stuff but this was never a fair fight.

This is what I keep asking myself. Well it only went on for the last 6 weeks of our 5 month relationship and I couldn't figure out why our dynamic had suddenly changed. I guess I thought that this couldn't be the boy I've been happy with for the last 4 months he was very good at deflecting things that were his fault and I stupidly made excuses .. he's drunk, maybe I am wrong for saying such and such but really his reactions were so out of order on reflection.

 

I even tried to get back with him when I broke up with him! Crazy ay! My self esteem had been getting lower and lower throughout he wouldn't answer his phone a lot at night as he went out partying. I just couldn't deal with it anymore by the end.

Yeah that is what happens when you choose to remain in a relationship after it becomes toxic like this.

Your self-esteem suffers making it harder for you to leave as days/weeks go by. You develop trust issues which you will take with you into your next relationship and all future relationships.

Everything just snowballs, you become angrier, and voice that, fights ensue, which results in him pulling away even further, which gets you even angrier, lather rinse repeat.

Five months is still very early stages in the grand scheme, next time a man you're dating such a short time starts disrespecting you or treating your poorly, you leave immediatly.

You don't wish for him to get back to how he was in the "beginning" hoping he will change or tell yourself any other stories justifying why you should continue hanging around.

It irks me to no end when women disclose they have all these trust issues, low self-esteem, etc and then learning it all stemmed from a prior abusive or toxic relationship that "they" willingly chose to remain in.

Just leave!

Sorry and best of luck moving forward.

Cokeheads and other assorted druggies aren't interested in 'fighting fair'. You are comparing normal couples and relationships to cokeheads. Apples and oranges. Try to shift your thinking and realize his relationship was with his drugs and his 'druggie friends', not you.

Every couple argues and stuff but this was never a fair fight.

him taking cocaine in front of me, name calling me a b"tch and c'nt on holiday where I was with his family, embarrassing me in front of his family shouting at me to go home, trying to cause a reaction from me and then telling his friends this is what he has to put up with, impatient with me looking for ingredients around Sainsbury's, pushy with me if I'm causing us to be late, controlling starting fights when I just wanted to put on the washing, not indroducing me to females whilst we're out him flirting, bringing druggy mates round in the middle of the night whilst I'm there with sex toys on show for them, sex toys then stolen by said mates, prioritising football/drinking over me. Making "jokes" that are hurtful, refusing to go out for some alone time on holiday, shouting at me for spilling water or a drink that I cleaned up.

😒

So. . . you didn't really think a guy like this would leave in a classy way and say nice things about you did you?

All the above happened in the last 6 weeks

I'd have walked away from any of these things in the first 30 seconds without care or concern over what he says to anyone else. I wouldn't be interested in speaking with anyone who deals with this guy, so I wouldn't know a thing about what he said.

Head high, respect yourself, and raise your bar on who you are willing to deal with.

In future, I will leave whether or not I'm on his family holiday! I think he just thought I was going to keep taking it. It's not good for me because I, unlike him have to support myself; my family can't bail me out so I have to work etc and unfortunately that means I can't party all the time or stay up all night! When I have work the next day. They have their own family business and he gets everything paid for him🙄. Also I would like a partner where they don't abuse my trusting nature ... if I trust you to go on a lads holiday I think you could have the decency to not let our sex toys go missing. Am so traumatised by the whole event!

Something else to look out for in the future:

"I don't want to argue."

Bad sign of thing to come...

Jibralta he used to say that and he's not good in arguments he makes things worse.... I mean if I knew that about myself I would try to prevent myself doing it as arguments or disagreements happen! Very shocking for a 28 yr old man I think il purposely start a disagreement in my next relationship just to see how they handle it (before obviously getting into it)

You don't have to start an argument. Just aim for men who are accountable for their actions.

Jibralta he used to say that and he's not good in arguments he makes things worse.... I mean if I knew that about myself I would try to prevent myself doing it as arguments or disagreements happen! Very shocking for a 28 yr old man I think il purposely start a disagreement in my next relationship just to see how they handle it (before obviously getting into it)

And keep every crazy guy who likes drama in a relationship.

Please, for the love of all things, don't "test" a guy by starting an argument just to see how he handles it. That is crazy messed up.

I didn't mean a shouty argument all I meant by it was to see the sides of the person. My ex when he went to Ibiza I said it would have been nice to get a text or something light and he said to me "I don't want to argue" this put my back up as I don't see that as an "argument". I just meant test the waters in terms of voicing something that I like. I wouldn't do it purposely I know starting arguments for no reason is annoying!

Also I would like a partner where they don't abuse my trusting nature ... if I trust you to go on a lads holiday I think you could have the decency to not let our sex toys go missing. Am so traumatised by the whole event!

I'd rethink the trusting nature thing. Babies and small children trust blindly. On a scale of 1 through 10, healthy adults set their trust meter to a neutral 5 when they meet someone new. They observe over time and allow people to either EARN more trust or behave in ways that prompt withdrawing trust and walking away.

As for being traumatized, you get to choose your lens. You can view yourself as stronger and better off for each lesson learned, which builds confidence going forward in your life skills for observation and screening, or you can view yourself as victimized, which overlooks your capacity for learning and puts you at the mercy of other people's bad judgment going forward. There's zero up side to that.

Choose your lens wisely.

I know thats very wise catfeeder and the worst thing is my trust disintegrated in this situation and it wasn't building back up. It was going down month on month... In those situations do I just walk away? I think looking back my communication could have been better but the stubbornness of him not doing anything with me on holiday, calling me names etc I made myself a victim and I hate myself for it. I should have told him where to go but then I think does any of that stuff matter? Would it all have ended up the exact same. When I tried to have a conversation he cancelled on me for football so we didn't even get to that stage too much was happening!

I have no choice but not to be a victim going forward and just learning from it all. It is of course difficult especially because I never thought it would all end up like this.

Thank you so very much for your words! It honestly helps me to talk through things

I think the problem was that you engaged with him when he became combative. I'm not saying that he was right, just that arguing in some cases is a lost cause.

Someone on this site has a great signature. It goes something like this: "Never wrestle with a pig. You both get filthy and the pig likes it."

Your ex might be incapable of having a conversation without becoming antagonistic. Some people are like that. And in cases like that, I think you're better off walking away from the relationship altogether. You just can't change other people.

I never bit and he used to say after he wanted a reaction from me so I think you're right on the second part... most times I would ask the question or query something and if that had no success (which commonly resulted in him thinking I'm arguing) I would take myself away from the situation...

I know thats very wise catfeeder and the worst thing is my trust disintegrated in this situation and it wasn't building back up. It was going down month on month... In those situations do I just walk away?

Yes. When someone uses drugs, believe that. When someone calls you the C word? Geezuz, how low do you need to go?. Don't look 'around' mistreatment, look AT it, and walk away from it--EARLY.

I think looking back my communication could have been better but ...

Oh, skip that. You can't negotiate someone out of being who they are. When someone mistreats you, drop your fantasies, reach for your best dignity, and walk away.

I made myself a victim and I hate myself for it.

Oh, bull. Change your hyper-dramatic language and be accurate. You made a mistake in choosing a bottom feeder, so adopt self respect and coach yourself into raising your own bar to make smarter choices going forward.

I should have told him where to go but then I think does any of that stuff matter?

Don't waste words on people who aren't even worth your time. Exchanging insults wastes the time you could be using to move yourself to higher ground.

I have no choice but not to be a victim going forward and just learning from it all. It is of course difficult especially because I never thought it would all end up like this.

Drop the victim mentality. Make it your private goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this and build a fabulous future for yourself. You'll thank yourself later.

This guy sounds like an utter b@stard but don't be daft Re: picking an argument with guys in future to 'test' them. You need to dust yourself off and learn from this in a non destructive way.

So I've been thinking and would like to add to this thread whilst he done all of this to me I didn't assert my boundaries as well as I would have liked maybe down to the shock factor I'm not used to so much disrespect from a grown human. Does anyone know how I can move on from these regretful feelings like was not saying enough. I feel like I mum if I have to teach grown men such basic things. Don't name call or do drugs in front of her or she walks is quite self explanatory... I'm stuck in a self blame cycle I need to get out of!