My Father has chosen my Stepmother and her fanily over me and my brother

This is a long story but I will do my best to summarize.

When I was 6 my parents got divorced. My father joined a local theatre group a year or two earlier where he met a woman who was married and had 2 children. The four of them would go on double dates together and go to theatre functions as well. Looking back, my mother has told me that she should have seen the signs. My dad was having an affair.

My dad and stepmom were secretly having an affair, without a care in the world I guess. They broke apart both their families to be with each other. Subsequently I think once that happened my father realized what a mistake he had made. He came crawling back on morning, crying on my doorstep, but my mother was strong and would not take him back. I’m proud of her for that.

My fathers side of the family, along with me and my brother all disliked my stepmother and her family members. I especially disliked my step siblings. For years throughout our childhoods we would all clash, being forced into uncomfortable dinners with heads hung low to avoid looking or speaking to one another, mixed family parties where I would lock myself away in my room and play guitar to escape and awkward Christmas mornings where the rift was especially obvious and painful.

My father and stepmother made good money. They would throw material possessions at us and then demand respect in return. I never agreed with this, as I was always taught by my mothers father that respect is earned. But I was a kid and I had no choice but to endure it.

Although there were a few breaking points, a significant one was when I stole the last of my dad and stepmoms weed stash. My stepmom called me later that day and told me to return what I had taken from her. When I asked her what I had taken she refused to answer. She told me the situation had reached a boiling point and I laughed and hung up. I was numb to it all. I struggled with keeping a job, smoking pot and in generally just had a lot of angst in my early twenties. I supposed I deserved what I had coming, maybe the only blame I have in all of this. I was kicked out of their house.

I had nowhere to go so a friend took me in. My father continued to call me up and take me out to dinner, but whenever I would ask about the living situation he would say he didn’t want to talk about it as he wanted to have a nice time. This is where, as an adult, I started to see the true colors of the manipulator he was. Thinking back to those dinners my parents and my stepmom and her previous spouse must have had, where they would both be sitting there, knowing the wrong they were doing. Only thinking of themselves. I felt the neglect.

When I finally moved out I was free! I cut my stepmom and her family out of my life completely. My father wasn’t happy with this decision but we had talked and he understood that I still wanted a relationship with him, just not his wife or their family. There was too much history and too much bad blood. We even continued to go out to dinner, until recently.

I asked him if he would be willing to watch my dog for a week as I was going away on a trip. He said he talked it over with my stepmom and that until I re-established a relationship with her, he wouldn’t watch my dog ever again. I told him it’s fine if he couldn’t do that, but that this situation is the precursor of a bigger issue.

I brought up future family parties, my future wedding, my future children. He didn’t want to talk about hypothetical situations. I told him that this relationship was becoming toxic. All we ever did was go to dinner once every 6 weeks. He put his wife before his own children and then blamed us for not getting along and respecting her. But how could we given the circumstances?

My question is: should I completely cut ties with my father? I’m not going to be told I have to respect someone or force myself to have a relationship with them. I’m a grown man. It seems to me that my father is saying him and his wife are a package deal. If that’s the case I guess it’s a lost cause, hence my post. Anything I can do? Thank you so much for reading and I really appreciate any insight.

How old are you? How long did you live with your father and step mother? Other than the affaire and both of them rightfully kicking you out for stealing from them... what are your issues with her?

...When I was 6 my parents got divorced...

 

My fathers side of the family, along with me and my brother all disliked my stepmother and her family members. I especially disliked my step siblings. For years throughout our childhoods we would all clash, being forced into uncomfortable dinners with heads hung low to avoid looking or speaking to one another, mixed family parties where I would lock myself away in my room....

 

Although there were a few breaking points, a significant one was when I stole the last of my dad and stepmoms weed stash.... She told me the situation had reached a boiling point and I laughed and hung up....

 

My father continued to call me up and take me out to dinner, but whenever I would ask about the living situation he would say he didn’t want to talk about it as he wanted to have a nice time....

 

I cut my stepmom and her family out of my life completely. My father wasn’t happy with this decision but we had talked and he understood that I still wanted a relationship with him, just not his wife or their family....

 

I asked him if he would be willing to watch my dog for a week as I was going away on a trip. He said he talked it over with my stepmom and that until I re-established a relationship with her, he wouldn’t watch my dog ever again. I told him it’s fine if he couldn’t do that, but that this situation is the precursor of a bigger issue.

 

I brought up future family parties, my future wedding, my future children. He didn’t want to talk about hypothetical situations. I told him that this relationship was becoming toxic. All we ever did was go to dinner once every 6 weeks. He put his wife before his own children and then blamed us for not getting along and respecting her. But how could we given the circumstances?

 

My question is: should I completely cut ties with my father? I’m not going to be told I have to respect someone or force myself to have a relationship with them. I’m a grown man. It seems to me that my father is saying him and his wife are a package deal. If that’s the case I guess it’s a lost cause, hence my post. Anything I can do? Thank you so much for reading and I really appreciate any insight.

Anything you can do? Forgive your dad, leave the past in the past, and yes, be respectful of others, and be kind. You are an adult now, and can stop holding grudges, and can learn to be polite to others.

Where is your Mum?

I’m 30. I agree I should have been kicked out. My step mom is bi polar. She’s given my dad ultimatums before to pick her or me and my brother. He picks her. He’s told me before he’s between a rock and a hard place and can’t get out. I think she’s just a manipulator who makes rude comments and is generally mentally unstable. I live on my own my mom lives an hour away.

Nope, you chose your own selfish needs over your father.

From the sounds of it, your father tried to forge a relationship but you told him no. You stole from them. And then you tried to get him to choose between you or his wife.

This is on you. In my opinion at least.

It makes no sense to conflate your Dad's availability with your own responsibilities. That's arbitrary, and it's a strawman you're setting up to 'test' Dad. There's no clear line of assignment to parents of our adult responsibilities. For instance, do you want to cut off your Mother if she's not available for watching your dog, too?

If you don't want a relationship with your Dad's wife, then you don't need to have one, but those are the limits that YOU are imposing on your relationship with Dad. If that results in certain restrictions from her, too, such as an unwillingness to allow your dog into Dad's home, or for your Dad to be unwilling to spend extended periods away from his home to care for your dog, then you'll need to do what any other adult must do when their parents aren't available for such an assignment--find other ways to manage your dog's care in your absence.

What is it, exactly, that are you offering your father in exchange for him doing what? What would be his incentive to give up the wife and home he's had for how many years?

Clarify for yourself exactly what it is that you want from Dad and what you're willing to trade for him to give it to you. Define that clearly first, and then decide whether it makes any sense to inflict the hardship on yourself of cutting off your father for a failure to comply with an unclear abstraction.

Early 30's are a common time of dissatisfaction with parents. Catch yourself imposing emotional 'tests' that don't make any real sense and aren't necessary. Consider hiring a therapist to help you work through this time, because it's a natural reckoning with adulthood. Consider what acting out against Dad NOW will buy you, and avoid assigning hypotheticals and fantasising outcomes--it's unnecessary, and it won't get you what you want. Consider first, do you even know what you want from what you're imposing?

It makes no sense to conflate your Dad's availability with your own responsibilities. That's arbitrary, and it's a strawman you're setting up to 'test' Dad. There's no clear line of assignment to parents of our adult responsibilities. For instance, do you want to cut off your Mother if she's not available for watching your dog, too?

 

If you don't want a relationship with your Dad's wife, then you don't need to have one, but those are the limits that YOU are imposing on your relationship with Dad. If that results in certain restrictions from her, too, such as an unwillingness to allow your dog into Dad's home, or for your Dad to be unwilling to spend extended periods away from his home to care for your dog, then you'll need to do what any other adult must do when their parents aren't available for such an assignment--find other ways to manage your dog's care in your absence.

 

What is it, exactly, that are you offering your father in exchange for him doing what? What would be his incentive to give up the wife and home he's had for how many years?

 

Clarify for yourself exactly what it is that you want from Dad and what you're willing to trade for him to give it to you. Define that clearly first, and then decide whether it makes any sense to inflict the hardship on yourself of cutting off your father for a failure to comply with an unclear abstraction.

 

Early 30's are a common time of dissatisfaction with parents. Catch yourself imposing emotional 'tests' that don't make any real sense and aren't necessary. Consider hiring a therapist to help you work through this time, because it's a natural reckoning with adulthood. Consider what acting out against Dad NOW will buy you, and avoid assigning hypotheticals and fantasising outcomes--it's unnecessary, and it won't get you what you want. Consider first, do you even know what you want from what you're imposing?

Thanks this is a great response. I guess I don’t know what I want. All I really know is I want nothing to do with my stepfamily. I don’t even want to hear about them. But that is what his life is now. Kinda sad I think, a lot of them are mentally ill. I don’t hate the guy I just don’t get the respect I think I deserve. I’ve gone over there with my girlfriend and had dinners with both them and even my gf even said it’s awkward thanks to my stepmom, and she never says anything bad about anyone. I’m not really losing anything if he never talks to me again. I feel like he brings more stress than anything good. That’s just my opinion.

Some parts of my family dynamics were like yours. My father has been dead now 20 years, and not a day goes by I don't think of him. I haven't spoken to his second wife since not long after his funeral because of things she did around that time, and i will never gave anything to do with her again. I think you should form a better relationship with him, and just forget about her, have nothing to do with her. I don't think you should expect him to take care of your dog.

It's ok to take some space while figuring it out. It doesn't have to be closing the door forever, you can leave the door cracked while you work through your feelings towards your dad and what kind of relationship you'd like with him going forward.

I get the sense you haven't and do not feel like your dad recognizes you and listens to you as a person. You were thrust into situations where you were very unhappy, and rather than reach out to you and try and meet your needs, your dad chose to ignore that and would rather just pretend that everything would be fine if you just went along with his program. I don't know what your dad was thinking or feeling, but it is possible he was not intending to hurt you, that he simply wasn't and isn't equipped to deal with such sensitive emotional issues very well. A lot of people shut down when presented with conflict, and just try to go along with whatever is easiest for them.

The 30s is a great time for coming to terms with our parents as fallible people, in their own right, and individuals as well as their role as parents to us. I learned SO much about my mom in my 30s. I got to appreciate qualities about her I took for granted or couldn't see before, woman to woman, not just daughter looking at her mom through the glasses of my childhood.

Just take a breather. Figure out what you'd like and then see if it is even possible he may be able to do or be that. If he can't, at least you will gain peace in the process and maybe you can have something new

It's ok to take some space while figuring it out. It doesn't have to be closing the door forever, you can leave the door cracked while you work through your feelings towards your dad and what kind of relationship you'd like with him going forward.

 

I get the sense you haven't and do not feel like your dad recognizes you and listens to you as a person. You were thrust into situations where you were very unhappy, and rather than reach out to you and try and meet your needs, your dad chose to ignore that and would rather just pretend that everything would be fine if you just went along with his program. I don't know what your dad was thinking or feeling, but it is possible he was not intending to hurt you, that he simply wasn't and isn't equipped to deal with such sensitive emotional issues very well. A lot of people shut down when presented with conflict, and just try to go along with whatever is easiest for them.

 

The 30s is a great time for coming to terms with our parents as fallible people, in their own right, and individuals as well as their role as parents to us. I learned SO much about my mom in my 30s. I got to appreciate qualities about her I took for granted or couldn't see before, woman to woman, not just daughter looking at her mom through the glasses of my childhood.

 

Just take a breather. Figure out what you'd like and then see if it is even possible he may be able to do or be that. If he can't, at least you will gain peace in the process and maybe you can have something new

I agree with everything you said. He definitely wanted us to go along with his ‘program’ so that he could feel better about everything. I think deep down he is hurting, probably more so than I am, because his choices have had incredibly negative impacts on his life and many others. I think taking some time away from him will be beneficial to everyone. Will I ever reach out to him? Probably not. I’m dating a wonderful woman who I will probably marry and have children with, I’m just looking forward to the next chapter of my life! [emoji4]

Thanks this is a great response. I guess I don’t know what I want. All I really know is I want nothing to do with my stepfamily. I don’t even want to hear about them. But that is what his life is now. Kinda sad I think, a lot of them are mentally ill. I don’t hate the guy I just don’t get the respect I think I deserve. I’ve gone over there with my girlfriend and had dinners with both them and even my gf even said it’s awkward thanks to my stepmom, and she never says anything bad about anyone. I’m not really losing anything if he never talks to me again. I feel like he brings more stress than anything good. That’s just my opinion.

The problem with cutting off family, even when in our own mind it's just temporary, is that it dramatizes any return--often to the point of squelching all willingness to return. Why is that a problem? Because parents so often do this unplanned, premature and permanent thing: they die. And once they do that, there's no turning back the clock on our own behavior. We never get the chance to make right what could have been the rite-of-passage to liberation: full acceptance of the mantle of adulthood which moves one beyond the turbulent role of the wounded child, demonstrated TO the person who is the very source of our wounds.

Accepting our adulthood in relationship to our parents has some built-in advantages: it enables us to work through the 'stuck' places of pain and longing for a parent to become who they are not and never were. Sure, we can grasp intellectually that parents are each flawed human beings who did a lot of things badly, but when we can actually grow beyond the emotional remnants of the child who 'needs' them to be different, we experience a liberation that solidifies into an emotional capacity for better relationships with our own spouses, children, siblings, friends and extended families. It frees us from coming out sideways all over the people and situations we will encounter in the future that would otherwise trigger unmet needs and unhealed places.

We don't have to strive for any Hallmark moments of reconciliation. We just need to learn which childhood pains and traumas won't let go of the emotional landscapes we're trying to navigate. When we can do that, everything about our upbringing loses its charge to harm US, along with our own stomach lining and our responses to future triggers that we can't yet fathom.

We mellow and we neutralize as we reach higher ground. From there we gain new perspective that may or may not ultimately allow us to forgive, but we can recognize our options in any given moment rather than react unconsciously. As adults it's our job to UNdo our conditioned responses to our parents, and that's not because it's best for our parents, but rather because it's best for ourselves and those we will love going forward. It might be annoying that our parents will also benefit from this outcome, but the advantages far outweigh the prospect of feeling more generous toward those we can't forgive today.

I hope you'll consider counseling to get yourself unstuck. That's less about Dad than it is about the lens through which you view him. Removing the pain from that focus will allow you to prescribe righteousness in smaller doses, and to apply those prescriptions to yourself rather than anyone else. And you will thank yourself for that skill later as your treatment of your father serves as a model for how your own children will treat you.

Willpower is an illusion. The only way to break a cycle is to overcome the unconscious remnants that drive it.

Head high.