Love, drugs, and that’s it... PLEASE READ.

I came here because I literally have no idea who else I could/would talk to. Honestly, even if I did have someone to talk to, I don’t really want to include anyone that is involved in our lives with what I’m about to spill...

I’m 25 years old and I been with this man for about two years and we live together. Everything seems to be going great to everyone on the outside. But I’ve been keeping a huge part of my life from everyone I care about in fear of judgement and in an attempt to spare my own embarrassment.

The guy that I have been dating and am very in love with has a drug problem with pills. It was opiates and now it is Subutex. He started doing the Sub to get off of pain pills but not he’s addicted to those. He definitely doesn’t go a day without using, if he can help it at all. He’s what I refer to as a functioning drug addict. He still goes to work every day, pays his bills on time, takes care of himself, and loves me very much, as well.

The problem I am having... I feel like I have been living my life wearing rose colored glasses for almost the entire relationship.

Just being totally honest here: I started using right alongside of him. I didn’t try it thinking I would become addicted, but here we are. He claims that he needs his medicine and that he knows I do, too. That it helps helps of us both with our mental state. We both have a lot of depression problems and have since way before we started dating. So, bluntly put, at this point he finds living a sober life very grey and dull. I on the other hand, just want to feel happy and less lethargic due to the depression; the Sub definitely makes us both happier and it gives me the energy it takes to get through the day. But I’m starting to question a lot of things about my life. I do have depression and anxiety, but I don’t know if the pills we are taking are what we need to keep those mental illnesses at bay. I know that at this point, when we arent on it, those side effects of our depression hit us very hard. Maybe harder than before. We have both been living convinced that while we haven’t been prescribed these meds from a doctor, it’s what we need to be normal. I don’t believe he and I are your typical addicts. But, I really don’t know because I’ve never been addicted to using drugs before now. I recreationally did certain pills before he and I were together, but nothing to this degree. Ever.

Here lately, I’ve had a lot on my mind. Is this the life I imagined I’d be living at 25? No. I want to go to school and start investing in a real career. I want to save money and eventually buy a home. And plenty of other things. I don’t want to live the rest of my life trying to make sure I have enough medicine to get through the week. Especially since we are having to buy our meds off of the street. If we were prescribed something from a doctor I feel like I wouldn’t be beating myself up nearly as bad for wanting to feel happy, energized, and level. You know, like people without depression. Even still, I want more out of life than working, paying bills, and scoring drugs that make me feel less sad about existing in the world. I want to go speak with a doctor about what is wrong with me and get help from a professional. I’m tired of spending so much money on these pills. I just don’t believe that I am ever going to be happy living this drug addict lifestyle of getting paid, buying drugs, making those drugs last as long as possible, and then finding more when we run out. I want more out of life like I touched on above...

I’m scared of being alone. But I’m also growing more and more scared of waking up one day and feeling like I didn’t accomplish anything that I wanted to accomplish. And on top of that, because of all the stress and worry going on in my mind, I’m starting to grow very unhappy with my life. With or without the drugs.

If I lay all these feelings out and he disagrees with me on what he wants out of his life, should I leave him? I mean, if I want to continue growing and he wants to remain complacent then I need to leave him, right? Whether I love him or not... PLEASE. Don’t judge, or do. I really don’t care. I just need UNBIASED advice.

Please google "Treatment Centers For Opiate Addictions" and look for help in your area. I think that once you have the help and guidance from professional drug and mental health counselors, you will know that you have to leave him because the two of you just enable each other to remain in this hell on earth that you've created for one another.

You're not alone, there is an opiate addiction epidemic out there wherein the medical establishment has contributed to a lot of it by prescribing opiates with abandon. No background information is gathered about addictive personalities or prior addictions in most part.

Please google or see your family physician for a referral to the professionals that will get you on your way to recovery from your depression and the addiction to pain pills. The more you take means the more you'll need to get the same effect and it will eventually ruin you financially and may even kill you. Do you know how many switch to heroin because it's easier to get and then die because it's laced with Fentanyl and OD? Google will also give you those stats.

You must want to quit. When you truly want to, you will seek out those professionals you will need to help you through your withdrawls and rehabilitation.

You can't change your boyfriend, only person you have control over changing is you so you do what you have to do to get yourself healthy.

I wish you well and that you garner the strength to make that first step to recovery.

Yeah, sometimes drugs can temporarily make people with depression feel better, but when you crash, you usually crash bigger than you've crashed before. You both should see medical doctors and see if he'll prescribe you anti-depressants. They can make you happier and give you more energy, plus you can get them legally and have a doctor monitor your health. If you have insurance, your co-pay is fairly cheap. My wife gets Zoloft and her co-pay is about $3 a month. It will get both of you back into legal territory and you won't have to worry about getting the wrong drug or the wrong dosage on the street.

Living with him is bringing you down. You must choose to be on your own. Also, unless you get help the typical trajectory of using street drugs (including abusing rx drugs) is a few ODs, a few arrests, losing your car/licence, several ER visits, a stint or two in prison, a few court ordered drug treatment programs, learning rehab rap so you can play along and just get back to drug taking, a few homeless shelters, hooking for drugs, then living on the street, then ultimately on a slab by 30. Secrecy and craving drugs is the hallmark of addiction. Not just being able to hold down a job....for now. You know all this, otherwise you would not have posted this revealing struggle. Good luck and get help.

Please get help right away. Opiate is a big deal. Take care of yourself.... and your man if he agrees to.