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Thread: I cant take it anymore - urgent advice needed!

  1. #81
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2018
    Posts
    72
    Its been 3 weeks now since i left. Last contact was 1 week ago when i answered a private number, and it was her asking me to call up. I said NO, and that the relationship was too damaged from everything she had done to me over a long period of time - 4 years. She then started the abuse over the phone, i remained silent until she had stopped, i then said i do not deserve abuse and i hung up.

    i wont lie, this past 3 weeks has been very difficult. im back working again and staying in contact with friends - they are all married with kids so it can be hard to get decent time with them.

    The weekend is here and thats when i crumble most. im very depressed at the moment and have that aweful feeling of wanting to contact but il go through the pain amd i will not make contact. There hasnt been any real periods of relief or happiness since ive left and that phone call last week has certainly set me back a bit. im finding it extremely difficult to motivate myself to do anything with feelings/thoughts of a bleak future. I just cant picture that light at the end of the tunnel. I feel very lonely even when im not alone, i feel like im a nothing even though ive achieved many great things.

    I want to be with her but without the abuse, wishing all the disgusting things she done to me never happened. i know i want her to be wat she isnt and know if i called up to her right now, id end up getting more abuse and more hurt. i guess what i want isnt real.

    I guess im looking reassurance that il be ok, that the light at the end of the tunnel really is there, that il be happy again. Weekends are always the worst for me as thats when the abuse was more intense, where she would have her nights out while i was left at home in tears. Not once have i been out in 4 years as i was never made welcome or wanted. I now hate and dread the weekends and look forward to work on Mondays as I have no choice but focus more on work.

    I miss being happy, i miss me.

  2. #82
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,237
    Don't answer calls from private numbers.

    Did you secretly suspect it was her and were you hoping she would apologize, promise to be better to you and ask for you back?

    She and the abuse go hand in hand. If you go back you are giving her permission to abuse you again. YOU would be causing the pain, not her. I hope you can remain strong enough to stay away from her.

    The light at the end of the tunnel IS there, but it won't be if you keep communication open with her and/or if you choose to go back for more abuse.

    Your married friends would probably be happy for you to visit on the weekends. How about biting the bullet and suggest getting together to watch a sports event or for a barbecue? Offer to bring snacks and beverages. I think they would think it would be fun.

  3. #83
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2018
    Posts
    72
    No i didnt think it was from her. I get alot of work related calls during the day where the number is private so actually thought it was a genuine work related call.

    Even if she did promise to stop the abuse, even if she had been to therapy and her therapist confirmed shes a changed woman - i would never believe it as her behaviour toward me over past 4 years has been extreme, dangerous and very damaging. So no, i dont want her in my life, i will never ever trust her. I want her out of my head, i want happiness for me.

    Your comment "If you go back you are giving her permission to abuse you again. YOU would be causing the pain, not her." rings so very true. My family would rarely comment on her when helping me - they would always say what you have just said, like "Dont talk about what she has done and said, she has an illness and needs to address that herself. Everytime you go back to her, you are making that decision to return to an unhealthy environment. You are now at the stage where you know she has a severe illness that you cannot fix or change, so by you going back and enduring more abuse is now you having the problem, not her" - Straight to the point but accurate. I have shut off all possible lines of communication from 3 weeks ago, ive successfully battled my weak moments of wanting to make contact, ive changed my attitude from "trying not to contact" to "i wont ever contact" and have stuck to it.

    Funny that just after i posted earlier on here, a friend phoned to ask me up for a meal with him and his wife. I would have went up but ive already taken diazepam to calm me down so we have arranged it for tomorrow. Doc put me on diazepam to help through moments like this.

    I just noticed your signature "If you change nothing, nothing changes. The cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain." - so relevant in my case. Have taken note of this, thank you!

    Im a bit sleepy on it now with the tablets. Dreading the rest of the weekend. I hated the weekends for 4 years, that feeling is still there even though ive left. I hate when work colleagues ask me if i had a good weekend and i usually say "yeah it was good, was a quiet weekend just relaxing".

    Thanks for your continued support and reassurance.

  4. #84
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,237
    I'm sure the dinner will be fun. I find that laughing until my stomach hurts is great for whatever ails you.

    One word of caution, though...go very, very easy on the wine with dinner. Alcohol for some reason makes us think contacting our exes is an excellent idea. It's a horrible idea while sober and it's even worse of an idea when buzzed.

    Have fun tomorrow at dinner!

  5.  

  6. #85
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Posts
    23
    I would agree with the others when they say leave. Leave. Just leave. It is so not worth it. Your poor heart is being hurt over and over and you're letting it get hurt. She may have been mistreated in her past relationships, but she needs to realize that not every man is like that. So leave.

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