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Thread: I cant take it anymore - urgent advice needed!

  1. #1
    sonar40
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    I cant take it anymore - urgent advice needed!

    Note, this post is quite long, so I do apologise but also appreciate it if you read it in its entirety. As well as seeking help on this site, I do have to provide a complete history of everything that went on within the relationship, that I can remember, for my therapist. So rather than write 2 different versions, I will write it out here and print off to give to my therapist. I don’t think I could handle writing this out more than once.

    I started dating my partner in November 2015 and got engaged to her after a year. The first six months were quite good although on reflection there were quite a few red flags I chose to ignore. After the first few weeks I had phoned her on my way home from work just general chat and telling her I was annoyed as I had to spend another hour overtime. Her initial reaction was “Yeah right, you are with some other woman”. I first thought she was joking or winding me up, but she was serious. She explained that she had been cheated on before hence the paranoia. So I let it go and thought to myself “Well she will soon see how decent and trustworthy a person I am”. Throughout the first six months, similar episodes happened where she would show bazaar insecurities that had nothing to do with me but was directly accusing me of. It was very frustrating but I kept telling myself “Things will be alright as I have done nothing wrong and she will see me for who I am and not her ex”. Another thing to note is she told me at the beginning how her ex was big into drugs and how much she hated drugs. This was a lie as I soon caught on she smoked weed often every day. The next six months I started to see an increase in the strange and abusive behaviour and this steadily increased from a few times a week to every single day.

    Going to the shop. This abuse started from about the 3rd month I had been with her. I would get accused of contacting and phoning other women when I went to the shop. Even well I deliberately left my phone with her while I went to the shop, I would then be accused of having multiple phones. I would only have been away to the shop for about 5 to 10 minutes. I have now stopped speaking to friends I might meet at the local shop in case I’m “taking too long”. I also would ask her to come to the shop with me, just so I didn’t have to go through this nonsense. This same accusation is going on still to this day!

    Accused of Cheating. This started from 6th month of being with her right up to today. The accusations made no sense at all. The disgusting names I am called are not repeatable and not only does she say it to me, she tells people outside the house as if it were fact. I have never cheated, never in my life, and I have never gave her nor anyone any reason to even think such a thing. Even when I am at work, I will get calls from her calling me a cheating tramp for no reason at all. She’s got in rows with these “other women” as they have heard about the disgusting lies she’s spreading. She apologies to them for “the mistake” but never once apologises to me. She even accused me of coming on to her daughter! This was so sick but her daughter told me she made the same accusations to her ex as well. My friends and family are disgusted with her and can’t understand why I am still with her.

    Going to work. Accused of not going to work so I can cheat! This same has been going on over the past year. I have proven her wrong so many times but showing her CCTV footage at work, my phone, talking to my work colleagues – it’s just ridiculous. There’s nothing I have said or done for her to even think this way, it just seems she plucks something from the sky and tortures me for it. Again, she tells others this same nonsense story to run me down with downright lies. I would say this abusive accusation has being going on for about 2 years.

    Bizarre Accusations. Accused of having multiple phones hidden around the house when her Television signal strength isn’t 100%. This went on for over 2 years! Accused of putting spy cameras and listening devices in the house and in the car! Again this went on for a few years. I even recall her lifting my trousers up and checking inside my socks to see if they were any listening devices. I could never understand this behaviour but on hindsight, perhaps she was afraid of her abuse being exposed? I don’t know, but it caused many months of hurt and annoyance.

    Accused of Lying. Constantly almost every day being called a liar and a tramp. I have absolutely no reason to lie about anything and I keep asking her to tell me these so called lies. To date, she has never been able to answer that question. Every accusation she has made, she has gotten the proof that she was wrong but that doesn’t stop her. If I call up to my mums, then when I come back I’ll go through hell as she will go into a rage saying I wasn’t at my mums. I have to get my mum on the phone and tell her I was at hers. The same goes if I was at the shop, work or anywhere. My mum is actually very ill in hospital at the moment and just the other day when I visited mum, once again she accuses me of not going to the hospital and that I’m away cheating. My mum has been in hospital past 6 months and I am ashamed to say I call into see her a lot less now so I can avoid the torture my partner will put me through.

    Disgusting & Disturbing Accusations. This by far is the most disturbing, sickest and most hurtful accusation. She accused me, on many occasions, of being a paedophile around her young children. Her older children in the house were disgusted at her accusation and quickly let her know that they will not tolerate her stooping to this level. As for me, I was completed stunned and obviously extremely annoyed. I did inform her other family members, including her mum, about this dangerous accusation and something had to be done to stop this nonsense. I recall one moment she was shouting out the window “Paedophile” as I was getting into my car so other people could hear. I was torn between Should I go to the police or should I let her family speak to her. A few times she did apologise for this and her reason for it was because she is so insecure and untrusting of men. I have an excellent bond with her kids and its so obvious how much they love me as I do them. This accusation and abuse went on frequently for about 1 year but every now and then it will show itself again.

    Daily Name calling. Before I go to sleep at night, my last thought is “I wonder what time tomorrow will the abuse start”. I can guarantee that at some point in the day I will called a tramp, a cheat, disgusting man, a user, and other profanities. This is just the daily name calling. There is much more thrown in at different points such as ugly b**tard, scum, lowlife, not a man etc. I always dread coming home from work, that 1 hour drive home is the most stressful as I dread what lies ahead. I can be sure as I enter the house I will be looked down at as if I am some sort of nobody.

    Breakdown. Last year I took a break down from all the abuse. I just felt I wanted to end my life. I was with my partner at the time but she didn’t seem to care. I contacted the out of hours emergency and they took me in straight away. I told my partner I’ve had enough, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I went home to my parents’ house. I stupidly answered her phone calls, and as much as I tried “no contact” I did contact her looking for “WHY?” – the abuse increased and to add more injury, she went telling people I left her cause I was cheating with someone else. We ended up getting back but I never got any apology. My doctor put on medication and advised me to leave the toxic relationship before it ends me. My partner looked at my medication in disgust and took some out and showed her family saying “Look at that nutjob taking medication, do you see what I am living with”. One family member responded “Mummy, you are supposed to help people who are feeling depressed, not make fun of them.”

    Untrustworthy. While I was hurting from the abuse, she was advertised online dating sites as single looking to meet men. Her 10 year old daughter told me about it, yes 10 year old, and when I confronted her she said her daughter was a liar and she called her daughter a “lying b**tard” to her face. Turned out her daughter was telling the truth. She stayed on the dating site for over 6 months while everyday calling me disgusting names. She never actually took her dating profile off, she just deleted the app of her phone. She also advertised on a dating site a year before that with 3 different profiles. She also contacted males from her phone and the content of the conversation were very sexual in nature. I’ve never been able to get over the pain of this. Meanwhile, she was the one making these nasty lies about me but behind my back was doing things that she was accusing me of! She tells a serious amount of lies. Even when she is retelling something that happened so will exaggerate it to favour her. Everything she says now, you just have to take it with a pinch of salt as you are always wondering what the real truth is. She accuses me of all this lying, when its her herself, not me!

    Blame. Always blaming me for everything. She blames me for her being abusive, she blames me for her going on dating websites, she blames me for her disgusting accusations. It’s always my fault, for everything. Not once has she ever taken responsibility for her own actions, always someone else’s fault.

    Kicking me out. Constantly kicking me out of the house. Would say this happens on average 4 times a week. Other times, I end up walking out and going up to my mum/dads house when I just can’t take it anymore. I take so much then my head just can’t take it so either I sit outside or go to a different room. But if it keeps going on and on, then I drive to my parents’ house which is 1 mile away. The abuse then doubles when this happens as she will then accuse me of not being at my mums house and that I shouldn’t leave, that I should go hide somewhere else in the house when she’s like that. Seriously? She’s actually asking me to take the abuse and say and do nothing!

    I was going to continue on writing more and finish this off completely but to be honest its getting to me too much, I think I have described enough of what is going on. I am still in the relationship but the turmoil has left me depressed, no confidence, fearful, feeling unworthy, no motivation, fear of loneliness, loss of friends, loss of hobbies, less productive at work and generally confused on how on earth I let this happen. I have been asked many times – why did you put up with this and why are you still there? Rationally, I know I should be long gone from this toxic relationship but there’s something emotionally/mentally keeping me there – maybe its fear of being alone, maybe it’s something the abuse has caused – I really genuinely do not know and that frightens me. Throughout all the abuse I never once retaliated with the same immature, disgusting and disrespectful behaviour. Some people had advised me to give her the same treatment to see how she likes it, but I couldn’t do that, it’s just not in me. I really don’t know how anyone can help me as I know I should be away, I know I should not be in any contact with her, but my problem is when I do try to leave, I end up going back every single time. She never does anything to entice me back again, she does the opposite -makes me feel guilty as if I’ve done something wrong. I end up back in the vicious circle of abuse. If you do have any advice or have been through similar I would love to her your comments/advice.

    Thank you for taking the time to read my story. For anyone else going through similar, I sincerely sympathise with you and hope that you can free yourself and live life like how its supposed to be lived.

  2. #2
    Wiseman2
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    Do your family and friends know? Why not enlist their help support in planning an exit plan. Slowly take things to your folks. Go to the post office and have your mail forwarded there. Sever finances. Then when she's not around get a truck and move your stuff to your folks and get a restraining order, delete and block her and change your phone number.
    Originally Posted by sonar40
    I end up walking out and going up to my mum/dads house when I just can’t take it anymore.

  3. #3
    maew
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    It's fear, and that your confidence has been undermined over time that is keeping you from leaving... it sounds like in your heart you are done. I was in this position, not accused of cheating but all of the other things you describe... it took me a long time to decide what to do. Coming here and hearing objective opinions helped. Having support from my friends and family helped. Counselling (for me, not couples counselling) helped. And then I just had to rip the bandaid off... and today I am a million times better off than I was.

  4. #4
    sonar40
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Do your family and friends know? Why not enlist their help support in planning an exit plan. Slowly take things to your folks. Go to the post office and have your mail forwarded there. Sever finances. Then when she's not around get a truck and move your stuff to your folks and get a restraining order, delete and block her and change your phone number.
    Yes they all know and have witnessed her behaviour. They want me out of there and are sick seeing this toxic rship continue. Im lucky though as friends and family have stuck with me through it all. All my stuff is out but the problem is me now - i find it so hard to leave and stay away for goid. i know thats irrational but i dont seem capable of beating it and remaining no contact. its always been me making the contact, she doesnt do apologies and doesnt care.

  5. #5
    SweetGirl28
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    Omg, the pedophile accusation alone should have made you leave.
    You need to move out, and leave her far behind you. She is psychotic. Let her be another man's problem.
    FYI, all that accusing she does of you cheating, it's because it's her doing it.
    Do your therapy alone, regain your confidence, self respect, and learn how to heal from this toxicity.
    You honestly sound like an abused woman, which proves women can and do abuse men also.
    You need a strong support system around you to overcome this.
    She doesn't even care when you leave. Don't you feel you deserve more than a woman who couldn't care
    less if you're around or not?

  6. #6
    DancingFool
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    Originally Posted by sonar40
    Yes they all know and have witnessed her behaviour. They want me out of there and are sick seeing this toxic rship continue. Im lucky though as friends and family have stuck with me through it all. All my stuff is out but the problem is me now - i find it so hard to leave and stay away for goid. i know thats irrational but i dont seem capable of beating it and remaining no contact. its always been me making the contact, she doesnt do apologies and doesnt care.
    ....Well....it actually is you in that this kind of drama is as addictive as heroin. You are quite literally addicted. So how do you quit addiction? The most sure fire way is simply cold turkey - pure willpower. No bs, no gradual, no nothing. Just do it. Take personal time off from work, hand over ALL your electronics to your family so you do not reach out to her and she can't reach you and then go through the withdrawal and deal with it until the urge to call her or go to her is gone. After that, get counseling for yourself long term so you fix whatever attracted you and kept you in this situation in the first place so you don't get into another "relationship" like that again. It is fixable.

  7. #7
    Wiseman2
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    Read up on trauma bonding. Stay living with your parents and don't hesitate to allow them to help extricate yourself. Counselling will help you understand abuse dynamics and why it's like quicksand.
    Originally Posted by sonar40
    They want me out of there and are sick seeing this toxic rship continue. Im lucky though as friends and family have stuck with me through it all. All my stuff is out but the problem is me now - i find it so hard to leave

  8. #8
    j.man
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    Not to dismiss all the other significant transgressions, her accusing you of pedophilia really is huge, and you need to immediately cut off her access to your life, and, while I know it would hurt a lot to, your access to her children. She can do enough damage with a simple and unsubstantiated public accusation, but given the time and even remote opportunity, she could very potentially spin evidence against you. Not something to be taking lightly at all.

    And, please, look into some form of personal counseling. Just one sentence out of all you've written would be enough to send an emotionally healthy man running. That you could write out this entire account and still have skin in the game is, frankly, tragic.

  9. #9
    sonar40
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    Originally Posted by maew
    It's fear, and that your confidence has been undermined over time that is keeping you from leaving... it sounds like in your heart you are done. I was in this position, not accused of cheating but all of the other things you describe... it took me a long time to decide what to do. Coming here and hearing objective opinions helped. Having support from my friends and family helped. Counselling (for me, not couples counselling) helped. And then I just had to rip the bandaid off... and today I am a million times better off than I was.
    That all makes sense. I guess i do have a good idea of what keeps me from leaving, I just fail everytime i try. Im a very rational thinking person but emotions cloud rational thought in terms of this destructive relationship. Good to hear you got free of your abuse and are in a better place now - that does help me as at the end if the tunnel is bright light that im blind to right now. Thank you.

  10. #10
    sonar40
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    Originally Posted by SweetGirl28
    Omg, the pedophile accusation alone should have made you leave.
    You need to move out, and leave her far behind you. She is psychotic. Let her be another man's problem.
    FYI, all that accusing she does of you cheating, it's because it's her doing it.
    Do your therapy alone, regain your confidence, self respect, and learn how to heal from this toxicity.
    You honestly sound like an abused woman, which proves women can and do abuse men also.
    You need a strong support system around you to overcome this.
    She doesn't even care when you leave. Don't you feel you deserve more than a woman who couldn't care
    less if you're around or not?
    You have no idea what i went through when that all kicked of. The right thing i should have done was leave in disgust but i was always so used to responding and reacting to her nonsense that i just went through it. Also the accusation was such a dangerous one, there was no way i could leave it until she admitted to making it up. She did apologise and said she just thinks extremely negatively and thinks the worst. But then she done it many times again and her reason then was "i never remember wat i say when i get into rage, sure you no wat im like". Not once did she care the affect that had on me.

    I actually left 15 mins ago and told her shes damaged me too much and is too abusive. She replied "i dont care about the abuse, im sick of looking at ur long face, u would make anyone depressed". I told her "Thats right u took me in, chew me up and spat me out with no care for what you have put me through and now that im so low from the years of abuse im no good to u". On the way out she shouted "useless cxxt".

    Here i am now in my car alone afraid of wats to come. ive repeatedly failed at leaving and staying away. its like no matter which direction i take, theres hurt on all roads. its hard for me to look past the right now into the future. Im just tired of it all, i am feeling quite down. I should have mentuined in my first post that i was 11 half stone when i met her, i am now just below 9, under weight. I rarely eat, i rarely sleep a good nights sleep. I also am waiting on surgery for a stomach tumour, its not cancerous, and not once has she been supportive - in fact shes got angry at me and made fun of my weight loss. I honestly never thought people like this existed.

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