This is really personal and sensitive but I don’t know where else to turn or who to talk to, I've never posted on a forum before.
I don’t have a Mum and my Dad’s advice is always very harsh and extreme. Me and my partner have been together 3 years, from day one he’s known I want to be a young mum and I want a family, I’m not career focussed and would rather plan everything in life around my family. Our ‘plan’ has always been to start settling down and start trying this year (I know things change and life doesn’t always go to plan). I’m so so ready and my heart literally hurts when I see mums with their bumps and babies. He’s now turned around and said he won’t be ready to have babies for many years. He’s gone along with this ‘plan’, which was his idea by the way, I’m not a very planny person, for two years of our three year relationship and now he’s telling me how he really feels about it. He’s led me on and talked about babies and names. I’ve said to him this is my life, my happiness, this is important to me, I’ve compromised and sacrificed so much for him and his goals and now this.
He bought a house to work on with his brother and sell on a year ago and moved in there without even talking to me about it, at this point we were living with my dad, he just went ahead and did it. That caused huge arguments and doubt in our relationship for me, but he reassured me he loves me and just ‘wasn’t thinking’. So last year I did my own thing and moved into a flat, he’s since moved himself in, and only stays at this house when he’s working on it. In December he asked me to move into the house with him and his brother? I said to him, I’ve only had my flat for 4 months, you’ve been completely selfish in your living situation and decisions and NOW you want me to give up the flat and move in there? He left me high and dry not knowing what was going on for months and now asks! And it’s quite clearly because it’s more convenient and saves money for him. This is what brought up the baby and our future conversation.
I said to him so far in our relationship everything has been completely one sided, everything he wants to achieve is done, everything I want is dismissed or put to one side. I said I’m not going to wait 3/4/5+ years to have a baby, it has always been my goal to have a baby with the person I love and be living with them and relatively settled by this or around this age, and it just doesn’t seem to be happening. Nothing I want ever seems to happen. Even the small things like trips I want to take or events I want to go to. I love him very much and I always thought he was my soulmate, but I’m completely doubting it now. He goes out with his ‘lads’ a lot, as if he’s still 18 years old, so I said to him that he clearly wants to stay young and isn’t ready to grow up yet, he wants to be with his friends all the time recently. He didn’t disagree. He said he loves me and wants to make me happy and doesn’t want to lose me, so my mind is in a constant whirlwind of thoughts.
I don’t know what to think or do. My dad’s advice is he will never give me what I want or the happiness I want and I need to find someone older with similar goals to me, he said I’ll be waiting for years and even then he might not be ready and I’ll end up unhappy. We do everything together and have always been inseparable so thinking of the worst outcome is incredibly hard for me. I would never have a baby unless we were both ready, I would never force him to settle down, so that leaves me in this situation where I feel lost and like I’m just going through the motions. Some of you may think I’m too young, that’s not what I’m here to hear, because I know we’re a young couple, but when you know you’re ready you know and it’s all down to you as a person. There is this huge void missing from my life, I've already waited and now I'm going to have to wait even longer. I've put myself into hobbies and my career, nothing fills the void. I’m not here to be patronised, I’m here for genuine advice. What would you do? Is there anyone who’s been in this situation? He’s 23 and I’m 24. If he had said how he really feels 2 years ago, or even a year ago, I wouldn’t feel how I do now. I feel deceived and tricked. Like he’s gone along with everything to keep the relationship. He wants the perks but not the commitment? Also, I’ve made him sound like an awful person in this post, he’s really not, he has a heart of gold and is trustworthy and loving, which makes it harder. I’m just not sure where to go from here.
I can't spend my life in this endless cycle of cooking, cleaning, washing. I want to travel, and so does my partner, but I wasn't fussed about when it happens in my life, should I emerse myself into that? Will that fill the void? I just want my life to begin, it feels like it's been on hold for too long. I know I'm partly to blame, I've focussed my happiness on my partner too much instead of thinking about myself. But I thought that's what you do when you're in a relationship, in love, your goals become each others goals and you work on them together. Unfortunately it's been very one sided in this relationship.
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