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Thread: I'm ready for a baby, my partner said he was but has changed his mind

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Babies are a lot of work. I think it is natural for many to be jealous when they see everybody having a baby . I know that I wanted to be a young mom but I just did not have the proper skills at the time . Iím glad I waited until I was a bit older . My mom was a young mom and she struggled so much because she chose the wrong partner .
    I work with children which is probably partly why I feel so ready so young. I totally agree, I've heard lots of women say they're so glad they waited so maybe I should wait to! It's just hard when you thought something was happening and then suddenly everything changes. It's more that he hasn't told me he truth about what he wants for so long, I love him and I'm honest about everything, why couldn't he be honest. I'm just a little hurt about the situation.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Wouldn't have been caught dead with a baby at 23. Hell, the lady and I have started sitting down and discussing time tables and, at 31, I think I'm just barely at that cusp.

    I think he's well within his rights to not be certain, and I'll be honest, I think you're gonna have a hard time finding a guy that young who is. Not saying it's at all impossible, but maybe start looking for recent college grads who have started their career and are anxious for "the next step."
    That's not what I'm asking. I don't want to go off and find a random bloke who's ready, I love my partner very much and thought I would spend my life with him. It's more the hurt from him not being honest about what he wants in life, it's more the fact that we had this 'plan' and now it's fallen apart and I don't know where to go from here? That's what I'm confused about, that's what I need advice on.

  3. #23
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Bambip
    I work with children which is probably partly why I feel so ready so young. I totally agree, I've heard lots of women say they're so glad they waited so maybe I should wait to! It's just hard when you thought something was happening and then suddenly everything changes. It's more that he hasn't told me he truth about what he wants for so long, I love him and I'm honest about everything, why couldn't he be honest. I'm just a little hurt about the situation.
    I work with children too but I am in my 50ís and my son is grown now. Even while it helps prepare you to work with kids itís still not the same thing as having your own. Actually nothing really prepares you. Itís much harder than people actually think .

    When my husband was young he routinely kept changing his mind about having kids so I get where youíre at .

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Bringing a child in the world won't fix this void. Try to focus on what's behind all this.
    That's a little bit too deep my friend. I would never bring a child into the world unless I was in a stable, loving, committed relationship. That's what this post is about!! I've just found out that apparently I'm not in one! For three years, I thought I was, but I'm not. We don't have the same goals like I was told, by him. So for the last time, stop throwing abuse at me by addressing things I haven't asked for advice on, this post is asking: What do I do now?!

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  6. #25
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    It is not abuse to address things you have not asked for advice on. It is different perspectives by people who have already had relationships and kids. Right?

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    It is not abuse to address things you have not asked for advice on. It is different perspectives by people who have already had relationships and kids. Right?
    I think implying I want a baby because I don't have a mum is incredibly inappropriate! And assuming I'm horrid and trying to trap my partner is equally as inappropriate. I would never, ever do something so evil and stated that in my post. It shouldn't even be mentioned, it's far from what my post is about!

  8. #27
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    It's clear you love him and by no means are you trying to trap him. That would be easy to do, and you probably would already have done so. That being said, you are young, you've been together three years, and you might end up staying in this and resenting him because in five years you may still find yourself childless and stuck right where you are now. It's a big decision you need to make. Be truly certain you want to risk losing him to find someone else who has the same immediate life goal in settling down and starting a family. It may take you a very long time to find a suitable partner. You have to consider your bf's level of maturity here. Guys do not mature as quickly as girls do. So yes he may have said he wanted babies, blah blah, but now that he sees your serious, he's backing off that. Listen to him. He means it.
    If you have other goals you are aspiring to attain, work on those together. Reevaluate it after another six months to see where you are both at. If you feel you're not moving forward and progressing towards marraige and a family then move on.
    And as a mom, I'll tell you yes babies are cute and adorable and cuddly, but they cost a great deal of money, get sick, get cranky, and need a great deal of your time and attention. And then they grow, and get even more expensive and cranky lol.
    Seriously, motherhood .....it's a lifelong commitment. You can't put the baby away like a doll on a shelf when you want to do something else. Make certain you really want this at a young age and are willing to sacrifice certain aspects of your life to raise a child. It looks so easy, but that's not reality. It's best to plan for it, have your finances in order, and be settled somewhat. Talk to a therapist and maybe you'll understand the root cause of this, and maybe you can determine a new time limit(age) of which you'd like to start a family by.

  9. #28
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    No one is assuming youíre horrible. They are giving advice.

    But also if you want to be a mom at any age there will be TONS of judgement coming your way on any topic imaginable. Donít take such things to heart. Ok. People here are trying to help you.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Bambip
    That's not what I'm asking. I don't want to go off and find a random bloke who's ready, I love my partner very much and thought I would spend my life with him. It's more the hurt from him not being honest about what he wants in life, it's more the fact that we had this 'plan' and now it's fallen apart and I don't know where to go from here? That's what I'm confused about, that's what I need advice on.
    Right, and fact is you don't know he was even being dishonest. I'd venture to say most men at 23 will waffle both on whether to have kids and when they want to have them. You ask the question on Tuesday and you'll probably get a different answer on Friday.

    You want a level of certainty on such a gigantic life goal that, frankly, not even your average woman has at this age, much less a guy who lacks that uniquely female calling to bear a child. It really would likely take that concerted effort to find that guy who's ready, able, and willing to buckle down with kids. If your guy were 10 years older and giving you the runaround, my advice would likely be different, but, in your shoes, unless he's expressly against ever having children, I think it'd be worth it to continue to grow into adulthood together and see how it goes.

    So my point isn't so much that you need to ditch this guy and look for Mr. Settle Down With Kids, but that it may be worth it to recalibrate your expectations. Again, not a single thing wrong with being on the same page as far as ever wanting children and within a respectable timeframe, just food for thought.
    Last edited by j.man; 02-07-2018 at 02:49 PM.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Bambip
    That's not what I'm asking. I don't want to go off and find a random bloke who's ready, I love my partner very much and thought I would spend my life with him. It's more the hurt from him not being honest about what he wants in life, it's more the fact that we had this 'plan' and now it's fallen apart and I don't know where to go from here? That's what I'm confused about, that's what I need advice on.
    He is being honest. Words were just words before, now he knows you mean action.
    It doesn't have to fall apart. You need to communicate clearly and effectively, and be patient.
    I'm telling you again, motherhood is a full time job, and not easy even under the best circumstances.

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