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Thread: I'm ready for a baby, my partner said he was but has changed his mind

  1. #1

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    I'm ready for a baby, my partner said he was but has changed his mind

    This is really personal and sensitive but I donít know where else to turn or who to talk to, I've never posted on a forum before.

    I donít have a Mum and my Dadís advice is always very harsh and extreme. Me and my partner have been together 3 years, from day one heís known I want to be a young mum and I want a family, Iím not career focussed and would rather plan everything in life around my family. Our Ďplaní has always been to start settling down and start trying this year (I know things change and life doesnít always go to plan). Iím so so ready and my heart literally hurts when I see mums with their bumps and babies. Heís now turned around and said he wonít be ready to have babies for many years. Heís gone along with this Ďplaní, which was his idea by the way, Iím not a very planny person, for two years of our three year relationship and now heís telling me how he really feels about it. Heís led me on and talked about babies and names. Iíve said to him this is my life, my happiness, this is important to me, Iíve compromised and sacrificed so much for him and his goals and now this.

    He bought a house to work on with his brother and sell on a year ago and moved in there without even talking to me about it, at this point we were living with my dad, he just went ahead and did it. That caused huge arguments and doubt in our relationship for me, but he reassured me he loves me and just Ďwasnít thinkingí. So last year I did my own thing and moved into a flat, heís since moved himself in, and only stays at this house when heís working on it. In December he asked me to move into the house with him and his brother? I said to him, Iíve only had my flat for 4 months, youíve been completely selfish in your living situation and decisions and NOW you want me to give up the flat and move in there? He left me high and dry not knowing what was going on for months and now asks! And itís quite clearly because itís more convenient and saves money for him. This is what brought up the baby and our future conversation.

    I said to him so far in our relationship everything has been completely one sided, everything he wants to achieve is done, everything I want is dismissed or put to one side. I said Iím not going to wait 3/4/5+ years to have a baby, it has always been my goal to have a baby with the person I love and be living with them and relatively settled by this or around this age, and it just doesnít seem to be happening. Nothing I want ever seems to happen. Even the small things like trips I want to take or events I want to go to. I love him very much and I always thought he was my soulmate, but Iím completely doubting it now. He goes out with his Ďladsí a lot, as if heís still 18 years old, so I said to him that he clearly wants to stay young and isnít ready to grow up yet, he wants to be with his friends all the time recently. He didnít disagree. He said he loves me and wants to make me happy and doesnít want to lose me, so my mind is in a constant whirlwind of thoughts.

    I donít know what to think or do. My dadís advice is he will never give me what I want or the happiness I want and I need to find someone older with similar goals to me, he said Iíll be waiting for years and even then he might not be ready and Iíll end up unhappy. We do everything together and have always been inseparable so thinking of the worst outcome is incredibly hard for me. I would never have a baby unless we were both ready, I would never force him to settle down, so that leaves me in this situation where I feel lost and like Iím just going through the motions. Some of you may think Iím too young, thatís not what Iím here to hear, because I know weíre a young couple, but when you know youíre ready you know and itís all down to you as a person. There is this huge void missing from my life, I've already waited and now I'm going to have to wait even longer. I've put myself into hobbies and my career, nothing fills the void. Iím not here to be patronised, Iím here for genuine advice. What would you do? Is there anyone whoís been in this situation? Heís 23 and Iím 24. If he had said how he really feels 2 years ago, or even a year ago, I wouldnít feel how I do now. I feel deceived and tricked. Like heís gone along with everything to keep the relationship. He wants the perks but not the commitment? Also, Iíve made him sound like an awful person in this post, heís really not, he has a heart of gold and is trustworthy and loving, which makes it harder. Iím just not sure where to go from here.

    I can't spend my life in this endless cycle of cooking, cleaning, washing. I want to travel, and so does my partner, but I wasn't fussed about when it happens in my life, should I emerse myself into that? Will that fill the void? I just want my life to begin, it feels like it's been on hold for too long. I know I'm partly to blame, I've focussed my happiness on my partner too much instead of thinking about myself. But I thought that's what you do when you're in a relationship, in love, your goals become each others goals and you work on them together. Unfortunately it's been very one sided in this relationship.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What's your hurry to have a baby with a 23 y/o guy who doesn't want to settle down? Listen to your dad, he's not harsh. He's honest but you don't want to believe him.
    Originally Posted by Bambip
    My dadís advice is he will never give me what I want or the happiness I want and I need to find someone older with similar goals to me, he said Iíll be waiting for years and even then he might not be ready and Iíll end up unhappy. Heís 23 and Iím 24.

  3. #3

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    Oh no, I completely believe him, by harsh I mean he won't discuss the details with me, he's my dad so he's going to be protective and say that my partner isn't good enough for me. I love this man very much, so it's hard to know whether to end it because we're at different stages in our lives or to just suck it up and wait and stay with him. This is the part I really, desperately need advice on.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    I think if you want to have a baby soon, you should find someone else who is more on your wavelength. Youíve been with him for 2 years. He might be ready in another 2 years or he might not. I do agree with your dad that maybe you should try to find an older man or another man who is ready to settle down. In my experience, most of my male friends were not ready to settle down until they were nearing 30.

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  6. #5

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    Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. It's been 3 years, I know to some people that's not very long but to me it is, especially when there's been this 'plan' the whole time that has suddenly gone out the window. I think deep down I agree with my dad too, but how do I move on from a 3 year relationship? How do I adjust to not having him to talk to, not waking up next to him every morning and not seeing him every day? There are so many pros to our relationship, but the cons are HUGE. It's such a hard decision.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately if he had a neon sign on his head that flashed "I do not want to settle down or have kids yet"...it couldn't be any clearer. You seem single minded and headstrong about having a "babybump" to fill a void. Why not examine that. Getting pregnant won't snare him into the commitment you want. It will make you a single mother. Do you work?

  8. #7

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    That's a bit rude. As I said in my post, I would never force him to settle down or have a baby. Actually no, you're completely wrong, it wasn't clear because he's been telling me he wants babies and to settle down for the past two years, which is why I've asked for advice. He's told me what he wants for years, and has now changed his mind or has just been saying that's what he wants to keep me sweet, who knows? Again, that's why I've posted on here. I need help with where to go next, I don't need someone assuming I'm a bad person. You've assumed I'm the type of person to 'trick' a man into commitment, you clearly haven't properly read my post and you're not being particularly helpful. Single minded? The past three years of my life have been devoted to him, I passed up an opportunity to live abroad for him, I miss out on events and trips because he doesn't want to or because he needs help working on his house. Yes I'm headstrong, I think that's pretty much the only thing I can agree with you on. Yes, I work full time.

  9. #8
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    Now that he's changed his mind I would move on ASAP. If you want to be a mom in your 20s, he's not the guy. When I was 39 I started dating my future husband. From day one we knew we didn't have a lot of time to conceive and we agreed we both wanted kids. We were very much in love. And if he had changed his mind I would have walked away that day. It's a package deal and please don't apologize for wanting a family. My friend's daughter is divorced now -she got married in her early 20s to a guy who was in his mid 20s and wanted kids soon after that. A year later she changed her mind -she wanted to wait at least 3-4 years so she could pursue a graduate degree. There were other issues in the relationship but that was the main dealbreaker. I was friends with her/her family but did not blame him one bit for walking away once she reneged on her promise. Being on the same page about family planning is a biggie IMO. i'm sorry he's going back on his word.

  10. #9
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    What about marraige? You didn't even mention that , which I find odd.
    Your dad is right. You want different things and are in different places with your life goals.
    You want to travel but guess what? It will be difficult with the expense of a baby.
    Why don't you get your traveling out of the way now and focus on getting a ring on your finger
    and then see where you go from there. If having a baby in the near future is what you really want, then
    you need to leave this relationship and look for someone more settled and ready.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Bringing a child in the world won't fix this void. Try to focus on what's behind all this.
    Originally Posted by Bambip
    I donít have a Mum

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