Should I ask her again?

I have a huge crush on this girl in my course in university. I liked her all of last year but I wanted to focus on studies last year, so I didn't do anything. We're sort of friends, but I'd say we're just acquaintances. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a boyfriend.

A few weeks ago (during the university holidays), I decided to message her and see if she wanted to hang out (I tried to make it obvious that I liked her, without using the word 'date'). She said she was busy moving that week, which I'm pretty sure she was (we have a few weeks of university first, then we have to move for placements for our course). She hasn't moved out of her parent's house yet, so this would be the first time moving and renting a place.

This was the message:

13th January

Me: hey (her name) 🙂 how are you

Her: hey James! How have your holidays

Me: it's been pretty boring for me, just been staying in Auckland

how about you, been doing anything over Christmas or New year's?

Her: stayed in auckland most of the holidays

but I'm going to thailand for the very last week haha

Me: haha Thailand sounds fun, hope you have a great time

if you're not too busy next week, i was wondering if you wanted to hang out with me

we could get lunch or dinner and see a movie together or something 🙂

Her: Thanks! Uh when would you be free? Cause I’m moving this weekend so I’m spending most of the week sorting everything 😞

Me: oh are you moving to Hamilton already

I'm not doing much so i have a bit of free time

what about Tuesday or Wednesday or something

Her: Sorry James I’m definitely busy Tuesday and probably Wednesday

Me: aww ok

are there any days you are free

Her: 😞 sorry james possibly friday but I think I'm busy this whole week 😞

Me: that's understandable. let me know if you are free Friday or any other day 🙂

i would love to to hang out with you some time

Her: I’ll message ya!

Me: 👍

19th January

Her: Hey James sorry for not messaging 😞 been busy all week, sorting out the flat (house) is too much 😞

So prob won’t be able to meet up in the holidays.

If you gonna be at hamilton tomorrow I’ll see ya then haha we helping (mutual friend) move in. Otherwise I’ll see ya for formal learning!

Me: ah ok that's all good

i wont be going down to hamilton until after formal learning, since I don't have furniture to move

enjoy your time in hamilton moving things around haha

Our course has started again, and I've seen her around university a few times. I said hi and asked how her trip to Thailand went, and how moving to Hamilton was. She didn't really act any different, but our conversation was pretty short (our conversations have always been short, since we're more of just acquaintances and we don't really know each other). She didn't show any sign that she wanted to stop talking to me, nor did she show any sign that she wanted to keep talking to me. I'm really confused, because she didn't really give me any signs I could follow.

Should I ask her to 'hang out' again, or be more direct and ask her on a date? Or has she made it obvious that she isn't interested?

Any advice would be appreciated

You could maybe bring up hanging out again (I wouldn't though), but after that I'd leave it up to her. She knows you are interested in hanging out, the ball is in her court then.

I dunno man, I always figure if someone is interested they'll do their best to fit you in (even if it puts them out) or at least make a somewhat solid plan to hang out in the future. The fact that she didn't bring up hanging out now that she's back from Thailand is probably not a good sign. That's just been my experience.

Be more direct. Right now it sounds as though she thinks you're just wanting to hang out as a friend. If you want a date you should ask for a date. Then at least you will get an answer one way or the other.

Gotta at least try, right?

Uh... these are some conflicting replies here

You could maybe bring up hanging out again (I wouldn't though), but after that I'd leave it up to her. She knows you are interested in hanging out, the ball is in her court then.

 

I dunno man, I always figure if someone is interested they'll do their best to fit you in (even if it puts them out) or at least make a somewhat solid plan to hang out in the future. The fact that she didn't bring up hanging out now that she's back from Thailand is probably not a good sign. That's just been my experience.

I'm quite shy and nervous with this sort of stuff, and I assume she is as well. I don't think either of us are experienced in the dating scene, so when you say 'the ball is in her court' I'm not sure if she knows this, or if she may be too scared to do anything if she is interested. She might be waiting for me to ask her again, since she happened to be busy the first time?

I was thinking maybe if she wasn't interested, then she would act uninterested when talking to me at university, but she didn't seem to act any different?

You're right about her making time for me though. She didn't say 'maybe some other time', she only said that she was too busy.

Be more direct. Right now it sounds as though she thinks you're just wanting to hang out as a friend. If you want a date you should ask for a date. Then at least you will get an answer one way or the other.

 

Gotta at least try, right?

I tried to make it as obvious as possible that I was interested in her. I thought lunch/dinner and a movie is like the most cliche date idea ever; would she have mistaken it as me just wanting to hang out as friends? We're not good friends or anything (more like acquaintances), so me spontaneously asking her to a meal + movie should have hinted that this is just more than me being 'friendly'?

I do want a date, or at least a solid answer. I was just wondering maybe she already hinted to me that she wasn't interested (and I may have missed it), which is why I haven't done anything since then.

For me it sounds like she is not that interested, busy the whole week, come on... from your texts she could really get it you wanted to meet her, but she was just looking for excuses not to, even with friends we make an effort if they want to meet, we'll make time for them, saying you are busy the whole week for me it is rude, when we are interested romantically in someone we make time to meet, actually you can test people if they are interested in you, watching what they are going to do for you and how much time they are willing to spend with you...

Agreed. Be up front.

I'm quite shy and nervous with this sort of stuff, and I assume she is as well. I don't think either of us are experienced in the dating scene, so when you say 'the ball is in her court' I'm not sure if she knows this, or if she may be too scared to do anything if she is interested. She might be waiting for me to ask her again, since she happened to be busy the first time?

I was thinking maybe if she wasn't interested, then she would act uninterested when talking to me at university, but she didn't seem to act any different?

 

You're right about her making time for me though. She didn't say 'maybe some other time', she only said that she was too busy.

I agree with Nao.

I don't agree that it is likely that she thought you were asking as a friend. I think a lot of women are clued into the fact that a male acquaintance asking them to hang out is more likely to be more interested in a romantic relationship than a friendship. The message you wrote to her about dinner or a movie sounded like you were asking for a date. Whether or not you were direct enough, I doubt has much to do with her response to you. I think if she was keen on you, she'd have taken up your offer or actively tried to negotiate an alternative.

You can ask her again, but if she gives you a "I'm too busy for the next few days" without a "I'm free Friday the following week, though", it's likely that she's rejecting you in the lightest way possible and hoping you just leave it at that.

Out of curiosity, how many times have you talked and has she ever initiated a conversation with you?

Speaking as a woman, if I was truly busy when asked out and was really interested in a guy, I would always let him know when we could get together. She's trying not to hurt your feelings by saying never, but that's the message she's conveying by not rescheduling with you. Read between the lines. She's not clueless and she doesn't sound so painfully shy that she'd be terrified to get back to you. Your excuses for her are wishful thinking.

Devote your emotional energy elsewhere. The right woman will make it crystal clear that she shares your enthusiasm.

Out of curiosity, how many times have you talked and has she ever initiated a conversation with you?

I'd say we've talked a dozen or so times through the course of last year, and each were pretty short conversations.

She initiated like half of them, each time while I was in the library studying with headphones in (she'd touch my shoulder to get my attention). I initiated the other conversations, usually when we'd bump into each other at university.

We saw reach other at university more than a dozen times, but it would usually just be us saying hi as we crossed paths.

Thanks for the replies everyone, it seems like the general consensus is that she isn't interested

She might not be interested but it's up to you whether you want to find out for sure or not. Part of the reason would be to finally let it go if she gives you a definite answer that she is not interested. Though it is up to you, if you don't want that kind of rejection than best to leave it, but I see no harm in asking for a definite date to make sure you get an answer one way or the other.

She might not be interested but it's up to you whether you want to find out for sure or not. Part of the reason would be to finally let it go if she gives you a definite answer that she is not interested. Though it is up to you, if you don't want that kind of rejection than best to leave it, but I see no harm in asking for a definite date to make sure you get an answer one way or the other.

I do want to find out and get a definite answer so it's easier for me to move on. I don't think it's the rejection that stops me from asking again, it's more about the fact that I don't want to pester or bother her. I guess if she's made it obvious that she isn't interested, then I don't want to annoy her and ask again. I just wasn't sure whether she made it obvious that she wasn't interested, which is why I asked here.

Yes but it only takes one text, that's not pestering. Just a quick text saying something like, Hi so and so, would you like to go on a date sometime? And then see what she says.

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