Boyfriend needs to see his ex to know have closure...

I guess I should rephrase the title here. He is basically my ex boyfriend because I broke up with him.

Summary:

We met online and I didn't want to go on our first date because he travels so much for work and had only been out of a 9 year relationship for 5 months. He convinced me and said he was in a good place and ready. Within minutes of our date I knew I'd end up falling in love with him in due time. Through the course of our relationship I found out his ex of 9 years NEVER spent a single holiday/fam gathering with him. Barely knew his friends. Met his mom and sister twice. Was very cold and reserved... in the five months we dated I went to holidays, met his mom several times. Met all of his best friends who loved me. Went on 4 trips, alone and with his friends. I immersed myself in his world and him in mine. I included his family in everything.

I come to find out him and his ex were still speaking. I addressed this to him and one day shortly before meeting our families because that to me was CRITICAL ..I said "if she ever wanted to get back with you -- would you?" he replied "absolutely not that would never work"...I said ok. I had to trust my boyfriend right?

Fast fwd. to 2 weeks ago. He tells me he cannot tell me he loves me and that he doesn't know what he wants. That hes never dealt with the death of his dad and his job is brutal..I was so empathetic. It broke my heart and I ended things bc how could I be with someone who didn't love me? I bought a flight back home and he begged me to stay. I said no, I've to go for a few days and be around family... when I came back he asked to see me. Only to tell me he couldn't love me again and needed to figure out his life. I was so confused but heartbroken again I let him go. Except the following morning I wrote him a beautiful email to keep with him so he could know he would be ok and regardless of US, I wanted him to be a better man for all of this because I do love him. However, I never sent the email because I thought perhaps it would be too much too soon and wanted to give him some time to breathe...

Fast fwd to this past Saturday where he asked to see me and I said ok and then I mentioned maybe this coming weekend. He replies he is going back to where he lived with his ex to see friends. I knew immediately that was a lie. After being strong in my conviction he finally admitted he was going to see her and I lost it. All the empathy, the love, the mercy -- it was all gone. I removed him from everything in my life and told him I was not second best to anyone. That I'd loved him harder than anyone and treasured his world and people like my own. I felt USED, LIED TO and absolutely humiliated. I said to him "as a parting gift, here is an email I wrote you.. you can read this every time you realize what you threw away"... he immediately read it and contacted me saying it made him cry and he finally said it. He said "I love you and I know I am going to regret this for the rest of my life but I have to get closure with her. I need to see her and feel that i love you the way I do now and miss you the way I do now so I can let it all go once and for all"

I do not understand this logic. If you know you love me and you know you are going to regret this why? Someone please help me comprehend this bc if it is comprehensible I'm open. I dont want anger to blindside me but I also don't want to be a doormat.

I ignored him for several days and yesterday I saw he kept looking at all my social media and was doing little things to reach out in a way. I wound up drunk after a superbowl party where everyone gave me the "omg im so sorry" bulls--t and when I got to my building the gate was frozen shut. I could not enter the code and I know he had my clicker so I in desperation called him. It was snowing, it was brutal and I had been drinking... never a good combo. While I'm on the phone with him about to ask for help i managed to hit the buttons hard enough they unlocked and after maybe 10 seconds of talking I hung up.

He texted me immediately saying that he missed me and had been dying to hear from me these last few days.

I snapped and said "how dare you have the audacity to tell me you miss me when you're off to see your ex to figure out if you DO miss me"... again he said "I have to do this for closure. I have to do this to really know.. and I'm banking I'll miss you and realize I F'd it all up, but I have to do this and I am so sorry I am putting you through this.. I hope you will find it in you to forgive me and trust me again one day..I read your email 5 times. I love you"... I said "go on your date with your ex , you're insane if you think I'll ever recover from that"

He kept apologizing. Telling me how he wished he was with me at that time and how much I meant to him and that he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't..

Also he asked if he could see me before he leaves to go see her...

I don't know all of this has been just such an emotional mind f----.. can someone please give me some perspective? play devils advocate ? I am so confused and it's making me so depressed bc I just want to know if I should just be done and remove him from my life entirely (block number, etc)

Any feedback would mean the world.....

He was not in a good place and he was not ready. It is best to stay away from someone just coming out of a LTR because this is what happens unfortunately.

You will get some good advice here and I suggest you take it on board.

Your instincts were correct from the word go -- you didn't want to date him because he was too fresh out of a relationship.

But regardless - if he was still speaking to the ex UNLESS they had kids together - then i would have been gone. But i can understand there are some people who DO move on quicker because the relationship was over long ago

At this point - i would not let him back in. his tears are manipulative. The closure with her was the breakup - he didn't need more than that. And if he did, he shouldn't be in a relationship yet.

No, he is not damned if he does and damned if he doesn't )saying that is a way to throw blame on someone else). He did F up, but he only realized that when you had enough. He should have realized he F ed up when he was still in contact with the ex and you found out. But he has to push it.

I understand, moving on from a 9year relationship is hard - but when you are not ready to date, you shouldn't hurt other people. Or just date casually -- have a plus one for an extra concert ticket, etc, but nothing like a steady relationship

He will have to face his family when they ask where you are,etc. Let him suffer.

You need to NOT see him "one more time" before he goes on the trip he still is going on.

If he cancels the trip - then that's another story - but he should have known it was wrong in the first place -- and will this only be kicked down the road.

I can understand wanting to go back to somewhere where you lived for 10 years, but its with your CURRENT girlfriend or wife, to show her your old stomping grounds - not to reconnect with an ex.

"... I said "go on your date with your ex , you're insane if you think I'll ever recover from that"

good for you, girl. Good for you

STAY STRONG!!! you can do this!!!!

BTW. Get your clicker back. Have him mail it to you or turn it into the person at the gate if there is one. I would not feel comfortable with him having it and having access to your building. Or ask a friend to meet with him for him to hand it to.

Thank you so much for your reply. The rational side of me agrees with everything you are saying and that is the advice I would give a friend.

I just don't understand why now he is telling me he loves me and all these other things. If you're going to go see your ex, as I told him, you already made a choice -- because how could I ever possibly trust you again? You chose her.

I don't know why he's so insistent on telling me now he loves me when just a week ago he couldn't. I guess I am trying to wrap my head around all of this....

Why? In case things don't go well with his ex. You are both his rebound and his current backup plan.

Look, he lied to you about being over his ex and ready for a new relationship. You are seeing now clear as day that he is anything but.

Him pulling this stunt tells you something important - he doesn't really care if he loses you.

IF you take him back after such a stunt, you will have lost his respect forever and who knows what else he will pull on you down the road. Why? Because you've taught him that he can.

My advice is don't do this to yourself and just block him and move on. If it's hard to do now, it will be a million times harder later on.

He wants to be sure to have a soft place to land in case his ex tells him to pound sand.

Question is, are you satisfied with being a soft place for him to land? Or do you want a man who puts YOU #1?

Sorry this happened. He feels guilty and is feeding you a lot of stuff to make himself feel better. Yes block and delete him from all social media and messaging.

He said "I love you and I know I am going to regret this for the rest of my life but I have to get closure with her. I need to see her and feel that i love you the way I do now and miss you the way I do now so I can let it all go once and for all"

You are all absolutely right. Thank you all so much.

However, I want to say this all to him face to face. I want to look at him right in the eye as I break down for him why and how he will never have me again. I know this may sound like a risk, to see him, but I feel I owe this to myself to end things with dignity for ME because I feel so used and betrayed. I want him to see me walk away from him forever. I want that vision burned in his mind. I know this may seem childish, but I think it'll give me the closure I need...I won't cave either. And right after I'll block him everywhere... feel free to give me your thoughts.

You are all absolutely right. Thank you all so much.

 

However, I want to say this all to him face to face. I want to look at him right in the eye as I break down for him why and how he will never have me again. I know this may sound like a risk, to see him, but I feel I owe this to myself to end things with dignity for ME because I feel so used and betrayed. I want him to see me walk away from him forever. I want that vision burned in his mind. I know this may seem childish, but I think it'll give me the closure I need...I won't cave either. And right after I'll block him everywhere... feel free to give me your thoughts.

I get the urge, but don't give into it.

You losing your shi* and going off on him will be his last memory of you.

The best revenge is to go radio silent and take the high road.

If you need to vent, do so here.

All this emotion and attention from you will be a huge ego boost for him and leave you empty. Silence delete and block is the dignified way, not a "psycho ex " style confrontation.

I feel I owe this to myself to end things with dignity for ME because I feel so used and betrayed.

Besides. . .does his ex think this is just an exercise in closure? Or is it actually a reconciliation?

You are all absolutely right. Thank you all so much.

 

However, I want to say this all to him face to face. I want to look at him right in the eye as I break down for him why and how he will never have me again. I know this may sound like a risk, to see him, but I feel I owe this to myself to end things with dignity for ME because I feel so used and betrayed. I want him to see me walk away from him forever. I want that vision burned in his mind. I know this may seem childish, but I think it'll give me the closure I need...I won't cave either. And right after I'll block him everywhere... feel free to give me your thoughts.

....That's the opposite of dignity....

I mean yeah, I get the urge, but this is where you control yourself and do not give into the urge because if you do, you'll just hate yourself later.

Dropping him cold and walking away is a whole lot more powerful and more potent than getting into his face with some tirade. The first makes you look powerful, the second will leave you looking like a psycho. Don't hope to teach him any lessons here. He already knows what he is doing and doesn't give a sh$t. Getting into his face will just show him that you care waaaayyyy too much.

Read the stories on this forum of people who insisted they had to meet up with their ex "one last time" for whatever reason they invented. Every single one of them regretted it. Every single one of them was set back in the moving forward process. Because whether they admit it or not, they were hoping that when their ex saw them in person they'd realize they made a horrible mistake and ask to reconcile. And it was devastating when that didn't happen.

Besides, if he does reconcile with his ex it won't really matter to him that he can't have you anymore and how humiliating would that be?

No, you don't need to regain dignity or tell him to his face or any other excuse you can come up with to see him again. Your dignity is just fine and you don't need to prove anything to him.

This is going to sound harsh so brace yourself.

Reading your post I got the feeling that you thrive on drama. You had indication that this guy was not over his past. Yet your post reads as if you entered in some kind of competition with the ghost of his ex seeking validation that you are "better". You tried to 'best' a nine year old relationship and you are feeling betrayed that five months of moving too fast wasn't able to erase his previous 9 years of attachment to someone else. As an uninvolved reader I find that your expectations were unrealistic and wonder what prompted you to enter such a competition in the first place...

P.S. You do deserve someone who loves you and only you. He is clearly not in a state to provide you with this and accepting that is the real closure, not engaging in more drama.

I agree. You should just walk away. He doesn’t deserve your tears, anger, or energy.

I appreciate everyone’s reply and they are not fallen on deaf ears.

I beg to differ that I like drama. I’ve been incredibly kind and empathetic and calm. I’ve never screamed at him. Never raised my voice. Never cursed him out. He knows this about me and I agree I want him to remember the best version of me.

I need to sit with him and speak for my own healing. I can guarantee you I won’t lose my temper or be anything but the same person I’ve been all along bc I take pride in how I’ve behaved.

If you give someone enough opportunities from a place of love to be honest and they assure you it’s ok — why wouldn’t you believe your significant other? All I did was trust him and not play into what I thought were perhaps insecurities.

I maybe expressed myself out of frustration when typing why I agreed to meet with him but that’s why I came here and will speak to my close ones prior to meeting with him — so I can release anything negative and show up from a place of good.

I agree with everyone that ending it once and for all and blocking him everywhere after is exactly what I need to do— but I also need to kindly and eloquently say what I have to say and say it to him.

The same way I did with my ex husband of 14 years — we had a very amicable separation and we were always coming from a place of love and respect.

Sadly I don’t think my ex boyfriend understand this but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be that person.

Thank you all so much for your responses they’ve helped more than you know

You are all absolutely right. Thank you all so much.

 

However, I want to say this all to him face to face. I want to look at him right in the eye as I break down for him why and how he will never have me again. I know this may sound like a risk, to see him, but I feel I owe this to myself to end things with dignity for ME because I feel so used and betrayed. I want him to see me walk away from him forever. I want that vision burned in his mind. I know this may seem childish, but I think it'll give me the closure I need...I won't cave either. And right after I'll block him everywhere... feel free to give me your thoughts.

Nope.

You already ended it and you did so with EXTREME dignity to YOURSELF - you went home. You were done. You feel betrayed - but you helped betray your own self by not having or enforcing your boundaries. if you don't date men who just got out of relationship, you crossed your own boundary. if you don't date guys who are still entangled with their exes, you continued despite being full aware that he was still communicating with her. You trampled all over your own boundaries to keep this guy. HE DID see you walk away - you got on a plane, did you not?

Look, all i wanted was to talk to my ex to "make him see" and was so glad i didn't get the chance. You already flounced out the door by giving him a letter. He read it. So leave it be. He already begged and cried -- what more "see him suffer" or 'watch me leave" do you want.

So have dignity and say nothing. You have said your peace.

you are complaining that he needs closure, and now you want closure. The closure is when you left. That was the end to the story. That was closure.

The same way I did with my ex husband of 14 years — we had a very amicable separation and we were always coming from a place of love and respect.

He is not your ex husband. Not every relationship is as what was before. You say he has baggage with his ex -- well this is a false expectation due to what happened with an ex, as well. Not every man is the same and not every relationship is the same. He does not come from a place of love and respect -- heck, he doesn't even love you -- he only said it when you walked away because he wanted to keep his foot in the door. And he has no respect for you. Blocking and moving on is out of love for yourself. you already gave him a letter and got feedback on it --- going to tell him the same things so you can actually see his face *is* drama. Events happen how they happen.

Do not stretch this breakup farther than need be.

I’ve been incredibly kind and empathetic and calm.

Your behavior doesn't "earn" you the same behavior from others.

Fourteen years with a husband does not compare to 5 months dating.

I see you don't want any advice about whether or not meeting up with him "one last time" is a good idea or not because you've already decided. I can say with 99.95% confidence that the meeting will not go the way you have envisioned it in your mind.

But you're determined and no one will talk you out of it, so just be prepared for the emotional fall-out.

I am curious when he said that he doesn't know if he loves you yet --- did you tell him you loved him and he told you he wasn't able to reciprocate yet?

If he didn't have this closure trip with the ex planned, that would be a legit response for an early relationship.

Fourteen years with a husband does not compare to 5 months dating.

 

I see you don't want any advice about whether or not meeting up with him "one last time" is a good idea or not because you've already decided. I can say with 99.95% confidence that the meeting will not go the way you have envisioned it in your mind.

 

But you're determined and no one will talk you out of it, so just be prepared for the emotional fall-out.

think that being a part of his family already created a false sense of intimacy/history. Because of that, ending a 5 month relationship is being treated like its a 5 year relationship. You got to know him in the first 5 months and he wasn't for you. That is something to keep in mind. If it had been a 5 year relationship, it does feel like a betrayal for him to say he doesn't love you -- but in 5 months -- it is a fair reason to end a relationship for

Omg well said @Clio!!!

I have to agree with the others, I think meeting him is a bad idea. You already ended it. It's time to cut off contact and heal.

It does sound like you're going to go ahead regardless though so good luck.

Dating 5 mos. is not a "significant other". It sounds like you were over invested and he just thought of it as "getting back out there again". He did not lie to you. You dated a few months and he probably thought he was over her and had moved on by dating again. After dating you a few mos., it seems he missed her and decided she was a better fit after all. It happens.

If you give someone enough opportunities from a place of love to be honest and they assure you it’s ok — why wouldn’t you believe your significant other? All I did was trust him and not play into what I thought were perhaps insecurities.