Please help - 3rd date went from wonderful into a nightmare

I just need to write this down. I am having huge problems today.

To cut a long story short, I went on a 3rd date yesterday with a woman who I was really clicking with - we get along great, are similar ages, sense of humour, everything. I'm 12 months post a long term relationship, and since then have been dating to find out what works for me and generally see what happens.

After dinner we went back to her place and had a great time, chatting, playing music, and gradually got closer and closer physically. It was wonderful. Both of us had been sharing more and more about ourselves. One thing led to another, and half way through protected sex (I used a condom) she says look I have to tell you something and make sure you're okay with it. I was not sure what she was going to say, and it was a totally surreal moment.

She said she had dormant herpes, and wanted to know if I was okay with it. I remember thinking oh my god she is laying everything on the line being totally open, but then again I was shocked. I didn't really know what it was (I do now), what to say, how to handle this, and the next hour unfolded into a nightmare. The sex sort of continued briefly (mistake I know) until I realised actually I was not into it and very bothered. Being in her place I felt like I couldn't recoil and just leave - I was falling for her, and today I realise that even more.

I've read everything about it, and have resigned myself that I might have picked it up. She said she manages it, it's dormant, and her last partner didn't get it when they were together for 4 months - but I know as well as anyone it doesn't mean anything. I feel so stupid, ashamed, foolish, and heartbroken I guess, and today have cried so much. It is truly awful. I feel dark inside.

I have tried to resolve in my mind what I must do. Hold on and wait for the set number of days to pass where it can be detected by a test, and just get tested, and find out. I'm trying not to jump to the worst conclusion here. I was careful, I used protection, I know this, but still there's no guarantee.

I'm finding it incredibly difficult to get my head around how I felt, and then the bombshell that turned everything upside down. I feel utterly shattered and alone. Depressed, upset all the time, I can't believe how terrible I feel. I live alone and don't have any friends around me, and so in this moment I feel utterly lost and not sure if I can cope with this to be honest.

I am sorry you've had this experience, OP.

I would be very angry that she didn't reveal this before you two had sex. I understand it's an uncomfortable discussion but waiting until you're already in the act was really not right on her part.

Get yourself tested. It's all you can do at this point.

I am sorry you've had this experience, OP.

 

I would be very angry that she didn't reveal this before you two had sex. I understand it's an uncomfortable discussion but waiting until you're already in the act was really not right on her part.

 

Get yourself tested. It's all you can do at this point.

Once my feeling of being upset has passed, anger will be there. At her and at myself. I should have just left as soon as she said it but I cared for her too much in that moment.

I just need to make it through the next few weeks until I've been tested and have the result. Speculation is pointless but the prospect is horrible. I used protection, but still this thing could be in me - I can't get my head around that.

Your feelings are justified, she most definitely should have told you prior to sex.

You used protection, plus if it's dormant right now, the chances you caught it are not very high.

I know it's a huge worry to you, but all you can do now is get tested.

You have to wait, so what will you do in the meantime? Focus on that.

Can you stay building a relationship, or end it now? You have to make a decision here.

Her herpes in not something that can be cured. She may be one of those who keep it suppressed well and never has an active outbreak, but you are looking at protected sex always with her to decrease your risk. Even oral sex.

There are dental dams which are a way to have safe oral, bottom line though anyone who is dating and getting sexual, it's always recommended to use protection and assume there's a disease you can contract. Best to wait until your potential partner and you get tested prior to sex, but let's face it, how many actually do this?

You can go to a clinic and ask them to explain it all to you to ease your mind, because if you've been googling the information, it can be quite overwhelming and scare you. Just like people who type their symptoms in to search and then convince themselves they have cancer, when it's just a kidney stone, for example lol. Talk with a professional to get the clear facts and it will help to ease your worry.

Once my feeling of being upset has passed, anger will be there. At her and at myself. I should have just left as soon as she said it but I cared for her too much in that moment.

 

I just need to make it through the next few weeks until I've been tested and have the result. Speculation is pointless but the prospect is horrible. I used protection, but still this thing could be in me - I can't get my head around that.

Getting angry is understandable, but it doesn't resolve, or help anything. This is the chance one takes when sleeping with strangers (which is the case when it's only the 3rd date).

Look beyond that stage, and be productive in thinking of what you will do different in the future (take your time, ask before jumping into it,...).

Yes, she should have told you beforehand, but you should have taken responsibility to ask about STD's beforehand too.

Your feelings are justified, she most definitely should have told you prior to sex.

You used protection, plus if it's dormant right now, the chances you caught it are not very high.

I know it's a huge worry to you, but all you can do now is get tested.

You have to wait, so what will you do in the meantime? Focus on that.

Can you stay building a relationship, or end it now? You have to make a decision here.

Her herpes in not something that can be cured. She may be one of those who keep it suppressed well and never has an active outbreak, but you are looking at protected sex always with her to decrease your risk. Even oral sex.

There are dental dams which are a way to have safe oral, bottom line though anyone who is dating and getting sexual, it's always recommended to use protection and assume there's a disease you can contract. Best to wait until your potential partner and you get tested prior to sex, but let's face it, how many actually do this?

You can go to a clinic and ask them to explain it all to you to ease your mind, because if you've been googling the information, it can be quite overwhelming and scare you. Just like people who type their symptoms in to search and then convince themselves they have cancer, when it's just a kidney stone, for example lol. Talk with a professional to get the clear facts and it will help to ease your worry.

Hey thanks. I have have realised the ingredients of what I've been going through. Part of it has been the shock of thinking I might have herpes, and given the challenges I've overcome already these past 12 months, more being put in front of me was terrifying. Plus I have no point of reference, which makes things more terrifying.

The other part I realise now was grieving. It did not come across in my post but I really thought she was someone special and rare who I could form a lasting and loving relationship with. The thought of this being dangled in front of me and then taken away, again in this context of the past 12 months, was also devestating.

There's another thread here about herpes, and I'm reading a lot about people who don't let it stop them - and how common it is.

When she did tell me, which was when we were already into it, she told me how careful she is with it. She's been very open since, telling me how she's not had an outbreak for a very long time, including not recently. That she takes meds for it when she needs to. That her ex of 4 months never got it from her either. She seems very responsible about it apart from the delay in telling me.

That's where I'm at. Trying to feel everything about this and try to get other opinions on it.

Yes, she should have told you beforehand, but you should have taken responsibility to ask about STD's beforehand too.

This is correct. I presumably trusted her without asking, for some reason. She shared so much about her life and what she had been through with me, I just didnt see it coming. In future I think I would go as far as not having sex until someone has been tested. This has been an awful experience. Maybe taking that approach is not overkill, but just a reflection of the times we live in.

I know you feel scared, and in sorry. But the chances you contracted it really are very slim.

There are people who have it and their partners never contract it. There are people who don't realize that having type 1 outbreak on their lip can give type 2 through oral sex. Anyone who has it is educated on the risks of passing it, and educated on how to manage it. There are people with it who don't even get an outbreak, it stays suppressed.

It's definitely something to think about, because the risk will always be there, but it doesn't change who she is as a person. She was one of the unfortunate ones to have contracted the disease. It's hard for people with it to come clean and confess too. It's embarrassing and they can be shunned for it. But bottom line, it's your choice, your health. You need to decide if she's worth it long term. You're still very early on in this that you can leave without doing much damage to yourself or her emotionally. I do hope it turns out well for you, whatever you decide. Good luck :)

I would not see her again. She acted reckless with your health. I do think the STD convo is essential but if someone knows she has an STD then she needs to do the right thing and reveal it before sex. I don't care if it's hard for her to reveal that - the priority has to be the safety of her partner.

I strongly believe you are fine if she was honest about it being dormant and you were using protection. I wish you the best and and the best in meeting someone who would not take that kind of risk with your health and well being.

She definitely should have disclosed this information as you were "getting closer physically".

Your feelings are completely justified, I wouldn't have been able to continue either.

I know how you feel though, you were starting to fall for her so you are feeling conflicted. I personally would not see her again, STD's are a nightmare to deal with. Let her be someone else's problem.

I know you feel scared, and in sorry. But the chances you contracted it really are very slim.

 

There are people who have it and their partners never contract it. There are people who don't realize that having type 1 outbreak on their lip can give type 2 through oral sex. Anyone who has it is educated on the risks of passing it, and educated on how to manage it. There are people with it who don't even get an outbreak, it stays suppressed.

It's definitely something to think about, because the risk will always be there, but it doesn't change who she is as a person. She was one of the unfortunate ones to have contracted the disease. It's hard for people with it to come clean and confess too. It's embarrassing and they can be shunned for it. But bottom line, it's your choice, your health. You need to decide if she's worth it long term. You're still very early on in this that you can leave without doing much damage to yourself or her emotionally. I do hope it turns out well for you, whatever you decide. Good luck :)

Thank you. I have read about my chances of getting it. I used protection and understand that statistically the odds are in my favour - I get that, and I'm lucky to even be in a position where I've done this and yet still have a slim chance. What is done is done now anyway - nothing I can do can change it.

As a person, this is someone I was falling for in such a big way, which probably blinded my rationality. As a person I thought she was fantastic, despite the faults. And whilst I'm angry with her for not telling me beforehand, in that context not everyone is going to be a saint and get it right. People screw up. And what would anger for her get me anyway.

In terms of emotional damage, it's been bad enough, for me anyway. I don't know about her - I've not messaged her about feelings for her. I've not got past the fact I might have this std. I am having huge trouble getting past it. I feel like I'm living in limbo until I let enough time pass for me to get a test and know if I have it or not. How do I live until then - and what would I do if lady luck was not actually in my favour? I don't know what I would do. I'll be honest. I was not in a great place mentally before this happened, and now if it turns out somehow I got it. Well, I honestly don't know how I would cope, or if I would cope.

She definitely should have disclosed this information as you were "getting closer physically".

Your feelings are completely justified, I wouldn't have been able to continue either.

 

I know how you feel though, you were starting to fall for her so you are feeling conflicted. I personally would not see her again, STD's are a nightmare to deal with. Let her be someone else's problem.

Hey thanks. I agree she should have intervened, but she screwed up. All I can think about is getting tested so I know what's going on. I can't think past that point.

So anyway I just want to say how I'm doing here generally. Not good. I have these flashbacks of the night and moments where I absolutely hate myself for being so stupid - but then other moments where I'm less hard on myself, and I just don't know which is right. I keep ending back in the same place where I'm like - I don't actually know if I have this thing or not, so I can't assume - and until I know, it's difficult to live through it.

I know that anger won't help, self hate won't help, regret won't help. All I can do is exist until I know if I have it or not, and I've made up an estimate of waiting 20 days since contact to get a test - which seems to be around the upper limit, which should give me a degree of certainty.

There are lots of other posts on here about it, and lots of anecdotal evidence of women who suppress the virus and are careful - and as a result don't pass it on to their partners. I believe she is truthful about how careful she is, but I don't know her that well, so can't rely on it. All I know is I did use protection, and that's in my favour.

But overall am I coping with this - barely. My forward plans have been put on hold. I've actually had a tough last 12 months rebuilding my life after a long relationship and marriage, and where I'm living now I have no friends - being in a very demanding job that takes a lot out of me. Basically no social support network to speak of. I was not primed to be able to cope with this, and honestly don't think I have the means to cope with the worst case scenario. That's a sobering thought, but I'm trying to avoid the negative emotions, or indulging in them at least.

If I am lucky enough to get through this, I will have learnt a valuable lesson. Whatever happens, this has changed me as a person in a profound way. I will never look upon sex in the same way again, or ever again be so trusting in someone. And that makes me the most sick about this, because although it was only 3 dates, we shared so much and my god I did trust her. But what does that say about me? It says I'm not half as clever as I thought I was. To put myself at risk when mentally I am so vulnerable - this is completely insane. But perhaps all this adversity left me so desperate for a loving connection that I could not think straight. And when I think like this, I can't seem to beat myself up too much - because I know what I've been through this past year and I don't know how I came through it without losing it or de-railing. I'm also in disbelief but this is the reality. Kind of like a bad dream, but all this is real.

I look at the calendar and think how can I make it that far in this limbo state? I'm not equipped to deal with this, and I'm genuinely worried for my mental well being.

"In terms of emotional damage, it's been bad enough, for me anyway. I don't know about her - I've not messaged her about feelings for her. I've not got past the fact I might have this std. I am having huge trouble getting past it. I feel like I'm living in limbo until I let enough time pass for me to get a test and know if I have it or not. How do I live until then - and what would I do if lady luck was not actually in my favour? I don't know what I would do. I'll be honest. I was not in a great place mentally before this happened, and now if it turns out somehow I got it. Well, I honestly don't know how I would cope, or if I would cope"

I understand. As a nurse I know all the ins and outs and chances but seriously I'm telling you that you most likely have not contracted it. Problem here is that you are so worried, and when you get the results, you'll feel a huge relief and happiness that you came out of it clean. Then what? You can't really be with her again because that fear every time you are intimate is going to resurface. You have to accept fault here too, and in the future ask about past sexual history and STD's. I know in the heat of the moment it's far from your thoughts (plus some people lie or don't even know they have a disease) that's why it's best to have that conversation prior. At least you used protection. In nursing school we were taught to teach people to assume every sex partner has something so caution is not tossed aside during sex. You can always request std panel testing of a potential partner. If they refuse, they have something to hide and are a waste of time. There's so many ways to protect yourself that herpes isn't always a deal breaker, but it has to be something you can be accepting of in a partner. You can cope with this. The mind is powerful and can cause you fear and irrational thoughts. If by chance you have it you will have to manage it. It's not the end of the world. Think about how many early on in committed suicide when HIV was fairly new, and now even that can be suppressed by drug cocktails to where the disease can be at a nearly undetectable level. Incurable disease can be managed . She should have told you prior, but that's a mute point now.

You'll be fine. Just think going forward what you want so as not to lead her on. Sounds like right now you are avoiding one another.

Yes I am avoiding contact. I can't think past the test result. Whatever grew between us is not important to me right now because I'm having problems coping with this. Just avoiding the self hate and regret and the fear. These things whilst getting on with my job day in day out. It's more than enough for me to get through.

I have learned my lesson through the most horrible experience. I hope to god that I get a reprieve. It's out of my hands now.

Thank you sweetGirl for the comforting words. I live in this terrible anxiety every day now and it's a struggle. I need help. I don't think the thoughts in my head are ideal here.

This seems on a par with breaking up with my wife and moving out. This is that bad in terms of the mental challenge I'm tackling. In fact I would almost prefer the breakup experience. Pointless pondering.

There is a lot of information about herpes. I've written here about it, because my best friend has it. It's has had no impact on her relationships.

The only reason it's had no impact is because she is responsible about it and it's handled with a great deal of trust, transparency and communication.

I am sorry, but your lady robbed you of that important information so you could make an informed choice on your own behalf.

In my opinion, dormant or not, she has just proved she's not to be trusted with this.

She had a responsibility to tell you beforehand, not in the middle.

Her timing seems calculated.

Allow me to offer a different perspective here.

I have a couple of friends with HSV2 (Herpes) and know for a fact it cannot be transmitted unless in the active stage which this girl was not. It was dormant.

And that is why she felt safe having sex with you because SHE knew, since it was in the dormant stage, you would not contract it.

During the act, she felt a waive of conscience and chose to tell you. Good for her! I am sure that was not easy and took a lot of courage.

While ideally it would have been best to mention it prior, again, since she was dormant, she KNEW you could not contract it, so it felt safe, which it was.

Moving past that and going forward. One of my friends who has had herpes for YEARS has never transmitted it to any of her partners, EVER, including her current with whom she has been in a RL for almost three years!

Why? Because they don’t have sex when it’s active, which is like once every 2-3 YEARS! Simple as that.

Personally I think you should cut her a break. Okay she made a mistake but trust she would never have had sex with you if she thought for ONE SECOND she could transmit it to you.

Educate yourself about it, google is your friend.

And remember there are no perfect people. You’re not, she’s not and I’m not. No one is! Sometimes we don’t say the right thing, sometimes we say nothing when we should, sometimes we say something when we shouldn’t.

If she’s that important to you, search within and try to forgive. Trust that her intentions were good and move forward from there.

And don’t have sex when she’s active, which again is very rare for most people.

Yes I am avoiding contact. I can't think past the test result. Whatever grew between us is not important to me right now because I'm having problems coping with this. Just avoiding the self hate and regret and the fear. These things whilst getting on with my job day in day out. It's more than enough for me to get through.

 

I have learned my lesson through the most horrible experience. I hope to god that I get a reprieve. It's out of my hands now.

 

Thank you sweetGirl for the comforting words. I live in this terrible anxiety every day now and it's a struggle. I need help. I don't think the thoughts in my head are ideal here.

 

This seems on a par with breaking up with my wife and moving out. This is that bad in terms of the mental challenge I'm tackling. In fact I would almost prefer the breakup experience. Pointless pondering.

Understandable. It's your right to reject someone with the disease. You do not have to accept it.

It's best if there's no contact between you to leave it as such.

I'm sorry your pain is so high, but once you get tested send results you can feel better.

Just be really careful from this point forward with whom you get involved with.

To put your mind at ease a bit: I dated someone about 10 years ago, for around 2 months. He was so amazing, so sweet, thoughtful, handsome, and yes, we grew so close so quickly!

We probably slept together about 20 times. The last time, was the time he confessed that he had herpes. He only told me because he had an outbreak that day, which I didn't realize. I was livid, and never saw him again.

Yet, the waiting game began. Months later, after complete abstinence on my part, I had a full STD panel (and yes, you have to ask for the IGG antibodies test separately), all negative. I had it done again some time later, still negative.

After my anger at him, I silently thanked him, for the smack in the head. How could I have been so stupid and trusting? Because, like you, I was out of a relationship and vulnerable.

Relax, breathe deep, and yes, take the test, and learn from it, like I did.

"Allow me to offer a different perspective here.

I have a couple of friends with HSV2 (Herpes) and know for a fact it cannot be transmitted unless in the active stage which this girl was not. It was dormant."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ that is false. It in fact can be transmitted even when dormant because of viral shedding.

That means what sheds from the surface of the skin where the outbreak occurred. There does not have to be an open sore, although the risk of transmission is very small when dormant, especially to a a man who's wearing a condom, as he was.

He would have to ask her how long it's been since her outbreak, but that will just cause him more anxiety.

It's a waiting game now because it can take 3 months for an accurate result unless he exhibits physical symptoms, which is highly unlikely here, but not impossible.

OP, in all honesty, we've probably all taken a risk herd send there. A lot of people are carriers but don't exhibit symptoms.

Don't be too hard on yourself, but do take this as a lesson learned to be more careful . I still think you'll pull through just fine, don't let this consume you.

Agreed with LH, be grateful with the lesson this has taught you on to be more responsible and not so trusting.

The unfortunate fact is that she was willing to put your health at risk, you can't trust someone like that. She knew the disease she had and she knew she should tell you before any clothes were taken off. She didn't feel like it and only told you right at the last second.

What else she might keep from you or risk your life with?

I am sorry you went through this but I hope it does keep you safer from now on.

"Allow me to offer a different perspective here.

 

I have a couple of friends with HSV2 (Herpes) and know for a fact it cannot be transmitted unless in the active stage which this girl was not. It was dormant."

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ that is false. It in fact can be transmitted even when dormant because of viral shedding.

That means what sheds from the surface of the skin where the outbreak occurred. There does not have to be an open sore, although the risk of transmission is very small when dormant, especially to a a man who's wearing a condom, as he was.

He would have to ask her how long it's been since her outbreak, but that will just cause him more anxiety.

It's a waiting game now because it can take 3 months for an accurate result unless he exhibits physical symptoms, which is highly unlikely here, but not impossible.

 

OP, in all honesty, we've probably all taken a risk herd send there. A lot of people are carriers but don't exhibit symptoms.

Don't be too hard on yourself, but do take this as a lesson learned to be more careful . I still think you'll pull through just fine, don't let this consume you.

Okay thank you for enlightening me. I based what I wrote on what my gf, who has been a carrier of the HSV2 virus for 15 years, has shared with me and what I have researched myself after she told me.

And the fact that she has never transmitted it to any of her partners, in those 15 years.

Apparently I didn't research enough, given what you have just shared, so thanks.

That said, I still think this is a forgivable offense, assuming that had she told you prior, instead of in the middle of, you would have been okay with it.

Have you asked yourself that question OP?

Would you have been okay with it, and continued seeing her had she told you prior to having sex?

Is it the fact she waited to tell you that is the turn off for you? Or is it the fact she carries the disease itself that is the turn off?

I think these are important questions to ask yourself because if the only reason you wish to break it off is because she didn't disclose prior, even though she was dormant and may have been for some time (meaning no chance of shedding), and instead felt her waive of conscience during the act itself and asking if you were ok with it (which again to me took courage), then as I said perhaps you could find it in your heart to trust that her intentions were good and forgive.

I would, if I cared enough. But your call of course.

Good luck.

I think if you have an STD it's your obligation to disclose prior to intercourse starting. Period.

I think if you have an STD it's your obligation to disclose prior to intercourse starting. Period.

I think it is too, but as I said, none of us are perfect people all the time - to reiterate earlier post - sometimes we don't always say the right thing, sometimes we say nothing when we should and sometimes we say something when we shouldn't.

I think it's important to focus on intentions, and in this particular case, from what the OP has written and just my opinion, I think her intentions were good.

Yes obviously she should have disclosed prior, and she was wrong in that regard. But again she was dormant, perhaps had been for quite awhile and knew there was no chance of him contracting it, so didn't.

From what the OP wrote in his original post, "one thing led to another" and they began to have sex. During which she felt her waive of obligation so disclosed, making sure he was OK with it before they continued.

If he really cares, if he believes what he has with this woman is special, at the very least I think it warrants more discussion. I would.

JMO.