When you like a type you aren't getting

Hi Guys,

Had to join this forum because I am confused.

I was in a relationship 3-4 years ago with a girl I found extremely attractive, and attracted to. We were together for approximately 6 years, before we got married for another 2 years.

She was tall, mixed race, slim, curly hair. My first ever relationship, first girlfriend at the age of 21. The marriage didn't work out - due to factors beyond our control.

Now, years later, I find that I am mainly, if not only attracted to mixed race girl. Like, where ever I go, and I see a girl with curly hair, I hope she's mix race. If she is, I'm totally in awe of her. I can stare at her to death (I obviously don't do this that they notice). But, it happens every time and everywhere.

I have now taken to muster enough courage, to ask, mix race girls I find attractive, out. I ask them with the hope that one would like me back and we can get to know each other. But every time, its a no. It is rejecting after rejection.

I have now met a really good girl, she has her occasional attitude. But, we get along well. She likes me and I don't want to be stupid to let a good girl like her slip through my fingers. But, I just feel there is something missing - the lust I once had with my ex. With my current girlfriend, I don't lust after her. I know, if I'm in a relationship with a mixed race girl, I will love and lust her.

Bottom line, I feel like I'm going after girls I might not be able to get. What do I do in this situation?

Do I just try and find ways of making my current relationship work? Find ways to love her deeply. Is this a phase people go through, for years sometime? Or, Do I simply just accept I have a type and keep trying to get that woman I want? Trying to stay positive and not delusional.

Well, they say looks aren't everything. Sometimes it's better to have a friend and a companion as a girlfriend rather than someone who's hot looking. I'm guessing the bi-racial girls won't talk to you because you're not in their social circle. I'm personally attracted to Mediterranean looking girls but when I found a girl who met all my other characteristics, and that's the girl I married. But it's up to you.

Well, they say looks aren't everything. Sometimes it's better to have a friend and a companion as a girlfriend rather than someone who's hot looking. I'm guessing the bi-racial girls won't talk to you because you're not in their social circle. I'm personally attracted to Mediterranean looking girls but when I found a girl who met all my other characteristics, and that's the girl I married. But it's up to you.

Exactly! This is why I'm trying to make it work with the girl I'm with currently. I'm trying really hard.

But its evidence that I'm locked into what I want that I don't get intimate with her as frequently as she would like. But with a bi-racial girl I used know, who I'm not attracted to. But merely because she's bi-racial, I get intimate with her continuously.

I know its a mental thing. And I really want to condition myself to stop being so narrow minded and accept my current girlfriend. Learn to lust after her.

I don't want to let something potentially good go, because I focused too much on the physical side of things.

You are fixated and projecting your ex onto all women of mixed race, hoping they'll be like her.

And no, you don't know that you would be madly in love with any woman of mixed background. That's a silly assertion, considering appearance has very little to do with one's character and personality and compatibility with you. These women have probably turned you down because it's obvious to them you've got a fetish for their ethnicity.

If you're not attracted to your girlfriend, you're not attracted to her. You can't force yourself to feel something you don't. And it's not unusual to have an overall preference you're naturally attracted to. My sense is that has little to do with her physical appearance though, and a lot more to do with missing your ex.

You are fixated and projecting your ex onto all women of mixed race, hoping they'll be like her.

 

And no, you don't know that you would be madly in love with any woman of mixed background. That's a silly assertion, considering appearance has very little to do with one's character and personality and compatibility with you. These women have probably turned you down because it's obvious to them you've got a fetish for their ethnicity.

 

If you're not attracted to your girlfriend, you're not attracted to her. You can't force yourself to feel something you don't. And it's not unusual to have an overall preference you're naturally attracted to. My sense is that has little to do with her physical appearance though, and a lot more to do with missing your ex.

I hate to think its because I'm subconsciously missing her. But it may be true. And I really don't want to. I really don't.

So, do you think I should try hard to make what I currently have work? You think I should stick with her?

I'm asking because, should I leave her, there's only one type of girl I'll be gunning for. And its stupid to do so. Since I'm risking it all on the fact that a bi-racial girl I like will like me back. That's how people stay single - I feel.

I'm asking because, should I leave her, there's only one type of girl I'll be gunning for. And its stupid to do so. Since I'm risking it all on the fact that a bi-racial girl I like will like me back. That's how people stay single - I feel.

Just a note, please also consider your GF's feelings too. How do you think she will feel when one day you dump her and realize that you never actually were really into her? Maybe she is already feeling that but you are confusing her. Anyway, just a thought, please think about her feelings too!

If you're not attracted to your girlfriend, you're not attracted to her. You can't force yourself to feel something you don't. And it's not unusual to have an overall preference you're naturally attracted to.

This ^^ is gold. If you are not attracted to her, that probably is not going to change. Everything I read in your post was you trying to convince yourself how she is a good person and therefore you should like her and stay with her.

I don't know that not being attracted to her means you are still in love with your ex; it may not have anything to do with the ex- just that you aren't that into her.

I don't think this is the kind of thing to write a pro/con list on -- just that if you aren't attracted, you should get out, because it does not get better from there.

Unfortunately hunting after clones of your ex will leave you perpetually frustrated and closed off.

I just feel there is something missing - the lust I once had with my ex. With my current girlfriend, I don't lust after her. I know, if I'm in a relationship with a mixed race girl, I will love and lust her.

I agree with Miss Cannuck. I also wonder whether the women who are mixed race sense that your attraction is based on their racial background and that's a turn off to a healthy person.

Unfortunately hunting after clones of your ex will leave you perpetually frustrated and closed off.

My goodness. I think you've just articulated how I feel in words. This is how I feel, down, frustrated and occasionally pissed. Pissed/angry that I feel this way.

I'm trying hard to condition myself to not feel this way. Which is why I'm doing my all to devote everything into my current relationship. It's been 2 years and I feel really comfortable with her. But she just senses its not all sparks flying etc. She pushes me and I do the same to her. We are just go-getters. Appreciate her to the fullest.

My current stance is to not place emphasis on the sexual, physical side of things. As I tell myself I'm being petty by doing so. That I can live with that. I mean, I'm sure there are couples who go with other halves that are not their perfect match. Right?

My goodness. I think you've just articulated how I feel in words. This is how I feel, down, frustrated and occasionally pissed. Pissed/angry that I feel this way.

 

I'm trying hard to condition myself to not feel this way. Which is why I'm doing my all to devote everything into my current relationship. It's been 2 years and I feel really comfortable with her. But she just senses its not all sparks flying etc. She pushes me and I do the same to her. We are just go-getters. Appreciate her to the fullest.

 

My current stance is to not place emphasis on the sexual, physical side of things. As I tell myself I'm being petty by doing so. That I can live with that. I mean, I'm sure there are couples who go with other halves that are not their perfect match. Right?

No because you're settling. And that is not fair to either of you unless you have a frank discussion where she is comfortable with a marriage or relationship of convenience. How is the sexual/physical side petty? Isn't it essential in a romantic relationship?

Perfect people -not attainable. Perfect match -attainable. At all times, every day? No. But most of the time plus the knowledge that you chose each other because you were a great match and you did click and have chemistry -which carries couples through the inevitable rough spots or dry spells, etc.

It just sounds like you aren't over your ex and you have developed some knots in your behaviour because of that.

What 'factors beyond both your control' led to the dissolving of the relationship?

It just sounds like you aren't over your ex and you have developed some knots in your behaviour because of that.

What 'factors beyond both your control' led to the dissolving of the relationship?

Fact that I was away in another country for 2 years. Which led to more violent argument over the phone. I said things I shouldn't have said. Think I pushed her away (maybe I'm taking blame here) and she cheated in the end, shortly after marriage.

I hate that I still think of her and prefer girls that look like her in some way. I wonder if that means I have a type now or I'm just delusional.