Its not working but I can't move on

Hello all

I met this guy with whom I don't have much in common. A different country, a different religion and that he is married. Its been 4 months that I know him through work. He visits my country for work every 30 to 40 days. I am in my early 30s and he is about 15 years older than me. Last time he came here, we met outside the workplace and there seemed to be strong connection between us. He brought chocolates for me from his country and did not let me pay the bill. He is caring and very chivalrous. We have been very intimate on texts but as much as he wants it, he feels bad immediately after being virtually intimate with me. He thinks that if circumstances were different, we would be very close to each other and that he thinks that we are sexually very compatible. He also said once that he is glad that he met me and that he thinks that i am genuinely good. He finds me attractive, too.

The way i feel about this guy is nothing ordinary. Of course, everyone would say the same about their love situation but I feel that I have known him for longer than this. I am attracted to him physically but that is because I love him madly. Our interests are common, our field is the same and we laugh at the same jokes. There is a strange attraction between us that I can't explain to you guys. I am in love with him but i don't want to ruin his life. Now whenever we chat with each other, he brings up the question and asks me where do I think this is all heading. I told him that we can be good friends but he thinks that we can't be "just friends" because each time we talk, we get intimate. He is a nice guy and committed to his marriage. He also said that if i was in his country right now, he would be with me right now.

He has recently started showing mood swings whenever we text but on the other hand, when I stopped talking to him for two days, he tried to contact me again and again so that i talk to him about where we are going with this. I told him that if he doesn't want anything to do with me then he should have been happy that I am not talking to him. He starts criticizing me and gets irritable. He wants to get intimate but feels bad. I, on the other hand, can try to be just his friend by controlling myself but he thinks that its not possible. I think its difficult for him to control being intimate with me but ironically he thinks that i won't be able to stay friends with him. I have told him how i have feelings for him and that I can be "just friends" with him but he doesn't agree.

Whenever we chat, he leads us to have an intimate chat but later on regrets doing it and says that its not good. He thinks that we cannot be just friends and we cannot be together so he should probably disappear as he doesn't feel there can be any middle ground. we have agreed to hold off communicating with each other for around 30 to 40 days so that we can think clearly. He said he will contact me when he comes to my country in 40 days. I agreed to that but I am finding it very difficult to live without him.

Please help me out. I had the urge to message him during this break but I am trying to control. I am afraid he might ghost on me one day so I am trying to play it cool so that he doesn't go. The truth is that i am hopelessly in love with this guy and it is sad why everything in life becomes so difficult. Love doesn't see who you are, it just happens. I can't change my feelings just because he told me he is married. I have no idea if he has any feelings for me and how should I make him stay even if that means a friendship.

Give your head a shake. You are messing around with a MARRIED man! How is this alright with you? Not to mention he lives in a different country. You need to delete and block this guy from contacting you ever again. You are in "love" with an illusion. Sooner or later this will backfire on you whether you have sex with him, whether his wife finds out, whether he wakes up and realizes what he's doing. You need to find an available guy in your own area and develop a proper relationship with him.

Let him disappear. Despite what you believe, he is not a nice guy, and he is not committed to his marriage.

Maybe you are right but its also possible that your opinion is a bit biased because you are a female and you don't want this to happen to your man. I respect your opinion but that i know too. I know this is unreasonable but I don't feel this way about every second guy. I can't shake my head and come to senses that easily and that's why i need help from you all. If it was about shaking me head and realizing how delusional i am, i could have done that myself. Things are complicated and I am not in my teens that i don't know what i am doing. Whenever there is a talk about a "married man", everyone frowns without empathizing with the person.

"Let him disappear. Despite what you believe, he is not a nice guy, and he is not committed to his marriage"

I really appreciate your reply. It makes a lot of sense though. Had he been committed to his marriage, this would never have taken place. I guess its easy to fall for temptations. Thank you so much, Jibralta.

You can't be committed to your marriage and intimate with another person at the same time. It's either-or. Can't be both. Good luck.

You can't be committed to your marriage and intimate with another person at the same time. It's either-or. Can't be both. Good luck.

I am feeling better about this now. You make so much sense. I am glad i posted this thread instead of making stupid mistakes without thinking it through. Thanks.

Don't worry. You are dodging a bullet.

Don't worry. You are dodging a bullet.

Yes, indeed. Now that I think about it this way, he may not want to totally disappear from my life but I need to let him go before it leads to more problems in future.

When you were a little girl, did you imagine that the man of your future and your dreams was a married man who was cheating on his wife with you?

If not, end this situation now.

He is a nice guy and committed to his marriage.

No, he most definitely isn't either of these things.

You are only kidding yourself if you think he's a decent person, and that he hasn't done this before or isn't doing it with someone else currently. He knows what he's doing; I guarantee you this isn't his first playtime outside his marriage. He's too smooth and confident about it to be a total newbie.

Forget about him. Demand more for yourself and find a truly lovely man who would not get you all wound up and then go to bed with his wife.

I think you need to sit down and think about why you are standing in your own way of finding love. Married man, long distance, different religion??? You really don't want to be in a loving relationships, otherwise, you'd be looking in a single man, in your area, with the same religion.

No, he most definitely isn't either of these things.

 

You are only kidding yourself if you think he's a decent person, and that he hasn't done this before or isn't doing it with someone else currently. He knows what he's doing; I guarantee you this isn't his first playtime outside his marriage. He's too smooth and confident about it to be a total newbie.

 

Forget about him. Demand more for yourself and find a truly lovely man who would not get you all wound up and then go to bed with his wife.

MissCanuck, i really never thought about it this way. It may not be his first time. I wish I knew more about men. You have just given me a new perspective. He once told me that he has a huge sex drive and wished he could control it. Who knows what sort of a person is he in his own area. I am such a fool. Thank you, MissCanuck.

I think you need to sit down and think about why you are standing in your own way of finding love. Married man, long distance, different religion??? You really don't want to be in a loving relationships, otherwise, you'd be looking in a single man, in your area, with the same religion.

Yes. I agree. My situation sounds even stranger when you put it this way and you make sense.

When you were a little girl, did you imagine that the man of your future and your dreams was a married man who was cheating on his wife with you?

 

If not, end this situation now.

When I was a little girl, no. Never thought it was even a possibility but I found this guy to be highly intelligent and basically the sort i always wanted but could never find. When i found such a man, he turned out to be married and a foreigner.

You're not ruining his life, he is ruining yours. To just add to the previous,spot on replies: look how he is manipulating you. He says let's not talk for 40 days,but wait for my return in the 40th. Just no. I've been in a "relationship" with a married man,trust me,you do not want this. 99.99%of them are the same.

You're not ruining his life, he is ruining yours. To just add to the previous,spot on replies: look how he is manipulating you. He says let's not talk for 40 days,but wait for my return in the 40th. Just no. I've been in a "relationship" with a married man,trust me,you do not want this. 99.99%of them are the same.

You are right, Cope. He is definitely being manipulative. You have been in a relationship with a man and you'd know better. But he knows my weakness that I am afraid of people ghosting on me. He has played on my weakness a couple of times by saying that he'd disappear.

Twice I asked him to leave me, he ignored. When I asked him to leave the last time, he said that we are not a couple and that the word "leave" implies that we are a couple. I bet if he really wanted to leave, he should have taken that opportunity instead of arguing on what the word "leave" implies.

You can "leave" him.

Why does HE have to be the one to "leave"?

You're not ruining his life, he is ruining yours. To just add to the previous,spot on replies: look how he is manipulating you. He says let's not talk for 40 days,but wait for my return in the 40th. Just no. I've been in a "relationship" with a married man,trust me,you do not want this. 99.99%of them are the same.

Also, he said he will disappear for a few years. What is that supposed to mean? Why not forever? He said we will be doing it one day and that he won't be able to control his desires this time he comes.

You can "leave" him.

Why does HE have to be the one to "leave"?

I don't have the heart to do it. I prefer he does the ugly job.

I don't have the heart to do it. I prefer he does the ugly job.

Then you'll stay stuck in this miserable situation.

Only you have control of your own life. But if you're satisfied being the plaything of a married man that's what you'll be.

Then you'll stay stuck in this miserable situation.

 

Only you have control of your own life. But if you're satisfied being the plaything of a married man that's what you'll be.

I see your point. I don't want to go down that road. No good comes out of it!

Take your life in your hands. Leave! Don't ask for him to leave. What is he? A waiter? I know it's hard because the roots of your behavior are deeper than you might think. You have been taught to put yourself second.Gather all your power and block him from your life, you don't even have to tell him.

You've taken a front row seat to witness a guy's capacity for disloyalty toward someone he claimed to love.

So why would you still want him? Even if you 'win,' you lose. You'd enjoy the win for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that you've been promoted from the person the guy was disloyal with to the person he'll be disloyal TO.

Is that really how you want to live?

Head high.

You've taken a front row seat to witness a guy's capacity for disloyalty toward someone he claimed to love.

 

So why would you still want him? Even if you 'win,' you lose. You'd enjoy the win for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that you've been promoted from the person the guy was disloyal with to the person he'll be disloyal TO.

 

Is that really how you want to live?

 

Head high.

True. Heart can be a huge monster to control at times. It's exactly what's going to happen if I choose to stay on this path. If you can be disloyal to one, you can be disloyal to others. You develop a taste for it then and start treating girls as another notch in their belt.