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Thread: 5 months on

  1. #1
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    5 months on

    Hi all. I posted my story a while back, it really is a messed up situation. I am not posting again regarding my ex or my kids but about me.
    So we are 5 months on from the end of my 20yr relationship, married 13yr. NOTHING HAS CHANGED!!!
    I think about her constantly, it is consuming me. I am close to losing my job due to concentration levels. I work nights and can go without sleep in between shifts. As of now I have been awake since Thursday afternoon.
    I am down to 69kg in weight although I have made an effort to eat 3 meals a day this week.
    I went to the docs last week and he gave me pills. My anxiety levels are astronomical, when I do sleep I wake up soaking wet. He said I am severely depressed but the pills have had no effect, I am due to go back next week and also have counselling booked.
    Besides that I guess I just wanted to share my feelings.
    I am 34yr old and she is pretty much all I've ever known. I love this woman dearly.
    We grew up together and experienced so much that it is extremely difficult to just switch off. I'm going to be honest, she has destroyed me. I cant lie anymore, it is fact.
    Its a battle of heart vs mind, read my story, she is no good for me. She is a liar and a cheat and has emotionally abused me. The facts, the evidence are right in front of me so why cant I let go?
    I cannot understand my emotions, why am I not angry at her? Why? I don't know how I feel, sad I guess but I don't understand why I show no hatred towards her given the fact that she has so much anger towards me. I found out a few days ago that she has fabricated things to make me look like a monster. Pure lies, I thought I knew her but I have no idea who she is anymore or where she has gone.
    Why can I not just use all of this evidence as a springboard to a new life? I am so confused its unreal.
    I just want to move on and be happy. I haven't spoken to her in 2 months and not seen her for a little longer than that. I miss her terribly, I cant describe it, well actually I can. When I think about my late mother I feel an extreme sadness that I have to quickly think about something else immediately for it to go away. With my ex, I cant stop thinking about and experiencing that sadness.
    I thought getting validation from family members who believed everything she said would move me on, I have gotten that this week due to what's gone on but I feel nothing.
    I am lost and I don't know what to do, I don't want to feel like this anymore but I don't see a solution.
    Is this normal? Suggestions please.

  2. #2
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    You have an emotional dependency on her. It's a fear of abandonment mixed with a fear of rejection. And now she has abandoned and rejected you and it has torn you apart. It has shattered your world. It's not really love you're feeling, it's this toxic dependency. I can give you the standard line about how you need to take control of your life. That you need to realize that you can control your emotions and that you are responsible for your own happiness. That you need to rebuild your self-esteem and recognize that you are your own man. But I think at the level of what you're feeling you need to see a psychiatrist to talk things over and get a prescription for something like Xanax or Ativan that can temporarily make you feel better as you work on these issues. You can be happy again, you just need a little help to send you in the right direction.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Hi Chris*

    Firstly I want to say I'm right there with you and every hour of every day is a struggle.

    20 years is a long time and despite what any friends or family tell you, I for one don't expect you to be fine within 5 months. I'm not sure how long it's going to take me.

    What Danzee says above about rejection and abandonment is true and it taps into our attachment styles which are formulated in our early years.

    However, I've studied that stuff at Uni and understanding it doesn't really make the pain any less.

    Your post reads to me like you are coming to accept that you have been hurt and that you are indeed in pain and now a psychological war.... A war we both must fight*

    If you get the right counselor ask them about Attachment Theory and if they do any Inner Child work. These are at the core of our wounds.

    I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it's gonna be ok but all I can do is send you Strength from the other side of the screen.

    Carus*

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    Hi, my friend was on about the attachment theory. He thinks because of the history it may never go away completely, that scares the crap out of me if I'm honest. You do have a point though, I do feel abandoned and rejected and its not nice at all.
    And yes carus, it does feel like a war. I just don't see what else I can do. I am accomplishing NC easily without wanting to connect to just taking each week as it comes I guess. The extremes in emotions is terrible. Some days I'm full of energy and think great this is going to be a good shift, an hour later I can be massively sad then a few hours later happy again. It may sound strange but I feel like I am trapped in my own mind and I need to find a way out. I feel like there's something foreign inside my head that needs clawing out, like and itch when you have a plaster cast on, there's nothing that can be done to soothe it.
    Another way to describe it is like an invisible electric current between 2 points, the points being me and her, I constantly feel connected to her. I have never ever experienced anything like this before and its scary and odd. I wonder if she feels it too.

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  6. #5
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    You said you are also fighting a "war" too, do you care to share your own experiences?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    How have things developed with regard to getting your sons out of a household your ex invites strange men to stay in?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by chris261083
    You said you are also fighting a "war" too, do you care to share your own experiences?
    Well it's an analogy for the battle for control of our mind...the brink of sanity*

    Not everyone will go this deep and it seems only those who do can truly understand it...

    Common platitudes are "Just get over it...Why are you still crying?....Stop being a victim...Plenty of fish in the sea...etc etc"....

    These platitudes do have merit but when the pain is high it is hard to take them on board*

    My friend, if you wanna pour yourself a stiff drink and have a couple of hours to spare, my tragic tale is here: [Register to see the link]

    I've just blown my first potential relationship since the end of my marriage coz I'm still not healed... Took me all of 5 days lol

    Stay Strong
    Carus*

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    Originally Posted by j.man
    How have things developed with regard to getting your sons out of a household your ex invites strange men to stay in?
    Hi j.man. They have not developed in the slightest. I found out soon after leaving that there were several bills she was not paying and she also defrauded the state. She gave these debtors my home and work address and they promptly put a court order on my wages deducting money each week before tax. She was in control of all the cash, I was too trusting. It will never happen again. This has crippled me financially to add insult to injury. I am on the local housing list for properties but it could take around 2 years.
    I had a work accident several years ago and did some CBT therapy. I learned that life is not about being dealt a bad hand but its about playing bad cards well and to always take the positives where possible. The positives for me is that I have not lost my kids, we very much still have a very strong bond. She will never get to keep that but I will.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Carus
    Well it's an analogy for the battle for control of our mind...the brink of sanity*

    Not everyone will go this deep and it seems only those who do can truly understand it...

    Common platitudes are "Just get over it...Why are you still crying?....Stop being a victim...Plenty of fish in the sea...etc etc"....

    These platitudes do have merit but when the pain is high it is hard to take them on board*

    My friend, if you wanna pour yourself a stiff drink and have a couple of hours to spare, my tragic tale is here: [Register to see the link]

    I've just blown my first potential relationship since the end of my marriage coz I'm still not healed... Took me all of 5 days lol

    Stay Strong
    Carus*
    Hi carus, when I made plans to move out I made a conscious decision to stay off alcohol whilst I got my head sorted, needless to say I'm still not drinking lol. It wont make things better. But ye, I have a few hours so ill head over to your page now. Just got back from the cinemas and the boys have gone home so its better to read up on other stories than just sit here and wallow.

  11. #10
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    Well, what a terrible weekend.
    I have been thinking about it and i think I understand why the weekend went as badly as it did. I have done my level best recently to avoid hearing about her but some things get through every now and then. I found out she has been actively lying about our relationship problems and past events, painting a whole different picture of our history together. I shouldn't give a crap because I know in my heart what has gone on. It just hurts a LOT. I have read that I need to understand she is not the woman I once thought she was, the betrayal though is brutal.
    I'm at work now.
    I did manage some shopping earlier and have prepared food for work. I barely slept or ate the weekend and stayed in bed most of the time. I was going to the gym sunday but could not be bothered, I was adamant I was going today but didn't. I did see my boys Saturday and faked it I guess.
    The pills the doc gave me are not working IMO.
    I think during work this week I'm going to write a list of things to do the weekend to try and avoid a repeat.

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