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Thread: My husband's best friend not the best quality?

  1. #1
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    My husband's best friend not the best quality?

    Hi Everyone,

    So my husband and I have been married for 2 years now, together for 6. Still feel new to the marriage-life, but all in all we are good.

    I've been battling this issue inside my head now for awhile, and I'm in need of ADVICE!

    My husband (John) has had this buddy, (Bobby) dating way back to the elementary school days. I've heard stories and I know that Bobby was mainly there as a great friend and supporter to John especially when it came to bullies in school. They've always had this kind of risky / rebels without a cause type connection between them, it's as plain as day. He's just one of those boys John can kick back and say whatever he wants, with no judgment.

    So he's a great friend to John and I by no means want to be that wife that tells him to cut off the friends of which I think he shouldn't be friends with. Bobby was there for John in more ways than I can count, and I'm grateful for that.

    For starters on my issue here though, just from my own personal opinion, Bobby is not what I would call a good quality friend. What I mean by that is someone who reciprocates, someone who is mature and responsible, and makes good decisions in their life. I'm not trying to patronize or claim that John or myself are so much better or anything like that, however I can't say that Bobby has any ounce of those things. He's gotten fired from numerous jobs over the years because of mouthing off & disagreeing with his bosses, or just flat out quitting and deciding not to show up one day. The wife takes on the financial burden. They have 3 boys, live in a trailer, the list goes on. There's always something that John can do for him, but no return is given. I know guys don't typically set things up unless it's poker night or something, but not once have I seen Bobby make that effort with John. Even just grabbing a beer at a bar every once in awhile would be fine in my book, but that's asking too much of Bobby. I know also we can all be hit with hard times financially speaking, but there's a difference between learning from your mistakes & moving on, versus deciding to stay the course and blame everything else for your problems. Quality means something to me.

    I have been diplomatic and smart in the way that I word things to John when it comes to anything related with Bobby, but John very much wants to keep that friendship. What really was the last straw for me was being compared to John's ex-wife. We don't talk about her, nor do we want to, wasn't even really a marriage just a manipulation scheme made by her. I am the forgiving type, but I certainly don't forget something like that.

    What I would really love is for John to learn how to shed old friends. The people who don't stick around or don't reciprocate or not even a phone call every once in awhile, they aren't the people you hold on to in my opinion.

    Please help. Thanks!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Savannian27
    Hi Everyone,

    So my husband and I have been married for 2 years now, together for 6. Still feel new to the marriage-life, but all in all we are good.

    I've been battling this issue inside my head now for awhile, and I'm in need of ADVICE!

    My husband (John) has had this buddy, (Bobby) dating way back to the elementary school days. I've heard stories and I know that Bobby was mainly there as a great friend and supporter to John especially when it came to bullies in school. They've always had this kind of risky / rebels without a cause type connection between them, it's as plain as day. He's just one of those boys John can kick back and say whatever he wants, with no judgment.

    So he's a great friend to John and I by no means want to be that wife that tells him to cut off the friends of which I think he shouldn't be friends with. Bobby was there for John in more ways than I can count, and I'm grateful for that.

    For starters on my issue here though, just from my own personal opinion, Bobby is not what I would call a good quality friend. What I mean by that is someone who reciprocates, someone who is mature and responsible, and makes good decisions in their life. I'm not trying to patronize or claim that John or myself are so much better or anything like that, however I can't say that Bobby has any ounce of those things. He's gotten fired from numerous jobs over the years because of mouthing off & disagreeing with his bosses, or just flat out quitting and deciding not to show up one day. The wife takes on the financial burden. They have 3 boys, live in a trailer, the list goes on. There's always something that John can do for him, but no return is given. I know guys don't typically set things up unless it's poker night or something, but not once have I seen Bobby make that effort with John. Even just grabbing a beer at a bar every once in awhile would be fine in my book, but that's asking too much of Bobby. I know also we can all be hit with hard times financially speaking, but there's a difference between learning from your mistakes & moving on, versus deciding to stay the course and blame everything else for your problems. Quality means something to me.

    I have been diplomatic and smart in the way that I word things to John when it comes to anything related with Bobby, but John very much wants to keep that friendship. What really was the last straw for me was being compared to John's ex-wife. We don't talk about her, nor do we want to, wasn't even really a marriage just a manipulation scheme made by her. I am the forgiving type, but I certainly don't forget something like that.

    What I would really love is for John to learn how to shed old friends. The people who don't stick around or don't reciprocate or not even a phone call every once in awhile, they aren't the people you hold on to in my opinion.

    Please help. Thanks!
    The part I have bolded is really the only thing that matters at the end of the day. If John wants to keep the friendship then the conversation ends there and to be honest I am unsure as to why you are concerned. Why does it matter how Bobby lives his life? What does that have to do with you, honestly?

    Whether or not Bobby "does" things for John, what Bobby does for work, what Bobby's own marriage is like, doesn't matter... it What matters is whether John feels satisfied with the emotional support he gets from Bobby, and from the sounds of your first paragraph, he genuinely feels that way. I think you and your husband define quality differently... where for you quality has to do with what a person does, how they reciprocate, how they live life, for John quality is determined by the connection he feels with that individual.

    The only advice I have is that you need to work on tolerance of this individual because it doesn't sound like he is going anywhere. And to let go of trying to control who your husband's friends are trust that he can make his own decisions in this area.

  3. #3
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    Thank you. I appreciate it.

  4. #4
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    I don't think that's your call to make. Bobby is your husband's friend and by the looks of it he very much wants to keep him. Are you concerned that Bobby is negatively influencing your husband in any way?

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Savannian27
    Hi Everyone,

    My husband (John) has had this buddy, (Bobby) dating way back to the elementary school days. I've heard stories and I know that Bobby was mainly there as a great friend and supporter to John especially when it came to bullies in school.

    So he's a great friend to John and I by no means want to be that wife that tells him to cut off the friends of which I think he shouldn't be friends with. Bobby was there for John in more ways than I can count, and I'm grateful for that.

    For starters on my issue here though, just from my own personal opinion, Bobby is not what I would call a good quality friend.

    John very much wants to keep that friendship. What really was the last straw for me was being compared to John's ex-wife. We don't talk about her, nor do we want to, wasn't even really a marriage just a manipulation scheme made by her. I am the forgiving type, but I certainly don't forget something like that.

    What I would really love is for John to learn how to shed old friends. The people who don't stick around or don't reciprocate or not even a phone call every once in awhile, they aren't the people you hold on to in my opinion.

    Please help. Thanks!
    Okay, so I am a little confused by your post. Mainly because you appear to be filled with contradictions. You admit Bobby was a good friend to John, then later say you don't consider him a good friend. You say you don't judge, then go on to judge Bobby.

    You say your husband wants to remain friends with Bobby, but that you prefer he ditch him. You say that you don't talk about his ex-wife, but somehow she was brought up, and if she was a terrible person and you are happy, then I'm not sure why you care?
    What exactly was said about her to make you this angry? And again, if you don't think Bobby is a "quality person" then why does it matter what he thinks/says?

    The bottom line is- You cannot know everything these two men went through together. You weren't there. Bonds like this that develop can stay for life. If your husband is flat out saying that he wants to remain friends, that's it. He wants to remain friends. I recommend just avoiding him yourself if he bugs you this much. When Bobby comes over, go out. You don't have to be his friend in order for your husband to be his friend.

    You can't control your husband, how he thinks, or his feelings. It's interesting to me that you refer to his ex-wife as manipulative and this friend as a "user" essentially- IMVHO, Perhaps your husband has trouble picking "quality people". The common denominator is him. I'd say the red flags here lie with your husband. Either he A. Has co-dependency issues and selects people based on that or B. He is not being fully honest with you about the scope of the relationships between him and this friend and him and his ex. He's either told you what you want to hear or doesn't take responsibility for his actions in relationships. Either way, your husband seems to have problems navigating healthy relationships. He ditched his ex, he could ditch this friend, but at the end of the day- if he continues to choose people that are "bad for him", the cycle will just continue. This isn't about Bobby, it's about John.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Long and drawn out word gymnastics about a simple point - you want your hubby to quit being friends with Bobby. Quit prevaricating - you know it's wrong and you know you are being manipulative. Kind of ironic since you say that your husband's ex-wife was manipulative....yet here you are being equally manipulative. Seems that the sore point for you is Bobby has read you just right.

    Bobby is a life long friend of your husband. Period. Full stop. How Bobby lives his life, what he does, what choices he makes, where he lives - none of your business. The only thing that's relevant here is that your husband enjoys this friendship for his own reasons. You need to keep your nose out of that and maybe learn to judge less and accept people more....and lies less to yourself and others....

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    My Lord that's petty

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    Wow, I cannot imagine trying to get rid of my husband's friends. In fact, he has a friend that was completely not my cup of tea when we met 30 years ago -- misogynistic, womanizer, coarse -- but my husband loved him and he loved my husband. In fact, he was the kind of friend who would help him hide a body, so to speak. Well, about 15 years ago, he got married, to someone so much higher quality than the rest of us expected that we were nearly incoherent at the wedding. He has improved, he is a good husband and father, although he is still kind of coarse and still not someone I want to hang around, but who cares? I encourage my husband to see him whenever they are in town together because it makes my husband happy to see him. And this friend's general treatment and view of women has improved geometrically since his marriage and the birth of his VERY strong-willed daughter. Why do you want to remove a source of happiness from your husband's life?

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    Originally Posted by Savannian27
    I have been diplomatic and smart in the way that I word things to John when it comes to anything related with Bobby, but John very much wants to keep that friendship. What really was the last straw for me was being compared to John's ex-wife. We don't talk about her, nor do we want to, wasn't even really a marriage just a manipulation scheme made by her. I am the forgiving type, but I certainly don't forget something like that.
    I think this is what is eating at you.

    What did Bobby say about John's ex-wife that hurt you, OP? And what was your husband's response to these comments?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure how much diplomacy or smartness works when you simply don't like someone that much. It's going to come out in every pore of your body and hang onto every strand of hair you have on you. I don't think your husband or Bobby are easily fooled and they see that resentment and distaste you have for Bobby overall. It makes you a hostile person and suspicious (you can't be trusted).

    I agree with trying to uncover what upsets you so much about Bobby and why it's so difficult to like him. You mentioned some very judgmental things about the way he lives his life and how incompatible it is or no good it is. It's fine to have an opinion but surely you must have known about your husband's choice in friends long before you married. It's unfair to expect John to let go of his support network especially when it's not particularly threatening your marriage in any way.

    If you do feel threatened about your finances and if you think John may be hurt or your personal life affected, I'd encourage you to speak to your husband. You're going to have to be more level-headed than simply calling Bobby out on his trailer home or the way you think he doesn't raise his kids or support his wife right as those things are really none of your business and cause you to appear very aggressive and rude/no manners of your own. If it affects your relationship with your husband and affects your personal life (you as a person or together as a couple), talk about it with your husband.

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