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Thread: Should I stay? Am I being unrealistic about marriage?

  1. #31
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Well, if you can accept it while being happy in that acceptance then is it really 'wrong?'

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Well, if you can accept it while being happy in that acceptance then is it really 'wrong?'
    Sorry, I was really unclear there! Iím normally not so bad at putting things into words but this is a subject that seems difficult to express. What I meant is that I am deeply unhappy in a way that seems to physically hurt now and thatís hard because I feel like I should be grateful for what I have rather than pining over what I donít. I SHOULD be happy. But itís becoming harder to push the unhappiness down each time it surfaces.

  3. #33
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    Why not go to counseling to learn how to fight fair, to learn to voice concerns instead of arguing about "stupid things". Arguments are not one sided. you are participating in them. Doing chores doesn't change communication styles.

  4. #34
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    also, what can you do to be happy with yourself inside? whether its exercising, hanging out with male friends or a hobby? if you are happy or fulfilled aside from arguments with your wife, it might spill over into your marriage. People can't argue about stupid stuff in a vacuum -- you will not be as motivitated to pick stupid fights on your end because whatever little picky thing you are upset about will be small beans and you won't care about it so much.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Greg40s
    Sorry, I was really unclear there! Iím normally not so bad at putting things into words but this is a subject that seems difficult to express. What I meant is that I am deeply unhappy in a way that seems to physically hurt now and thatís hard because I feel like I should be grateful for what I have rather than pining over what I donít. I SHOULD be happy. But itís becoming harder to push the unhappiness down each time it surfaces.
    Go to therapy, Greg. If nothing else, it will help you to accept what you are embroiled in which in turn will leave you happier in your lot. It's called acceptance.

  7. #36
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    I just listened to a good podcast from Tony Robbins (love him or hate him), he opened my eyes to something very interesting I never thought of...
    This is my relationship to a "T". Our POLARITY is way off. I always looked at Love Languages as the key stumbling block in the marriage, but it's actually it's the polarity of feminine and masculine energies.

    I started out my dating life in my teens as a "people pleaser" and beta male. This continued into my 20's and early 30's. After my divorce, I began to "grow a pair" and refused to be a doormat to anyone who met me.
    This opened the door to much more quality woman including my current wife. At the core, I still have my beta, people pleasing attributes, but I try to instill a little more leadership and assertiveness in my relationship.
    The problem is that this my wife has similar polarity to me. She has more of a masculine presence, and I have a more feminine presence. So when she is acting masculine its a huge turn off and when I express a masculine side
    we butt heads. It's like our disagreements would be resolved in minutes if I was more feminine, but I wrestle with being walked on. Women desire masculine, is this a myth?
    I admit am not great at fights...words come out the wrong way, and my unwillingness to submit and show my feminine core fuels the fire.

    SO,
    I think the key to making this work is either:
    1) me to let my guard down, be vulnerable and not worry about being walked on.
    and allow her to be masculine in the relationship. (thus increase the polarity)
    or
    2) Hope the she can be less assertive and allow my masculine energy to shine. I realize I don't need to be the boss of the relationship, but somehow create space for polarity.

    Does any of this make sense?

    A part of TR article on Polarity..
    You couldnít stand being away from your partner at the beginning of your relationship. You thought about them all the time. You were physically near them whenever possible. Why is that? Itís because there was an initial spark, an enormous sense of passion, that was binding you two together.
    Over time, youíve found that that passion has fizzled. You still love your partner, but your relationship is lacking the magnetic attraction it once had. One thing is certain: Love is not enough. You need both love and passion for your relationship to work.
    What helps create passion in a relationship? Polarity.

    Polarity is the ultimate key to passion. In any successful relationship that has an intimate connection and sexual attraction, there is polarity. What does this mean exactly? Polarity is defined as the spark that occurs between two opposing energies ó masculine and feminine. Gender does not affect whether you have masculine or feminine energy. Couples can be the same or opposite sex, but in order for the pairing to work, one partner has to provide the masculine energy while the other brings the feminine. The primary driving force behind masculine energy is working toward a direction or goal, while feminine energy seeks emotional fulfillment and connection.

    Has your relationship depolarized? Youíre not feeling the connection you used to because both of you have developed the same type of energy, be it masculine or feminine. This can happen in a variety of ways. A masculine partner can become more feminine when they are required to take on the role of caretaker in the relationship, and a feminine partner can become more masculine when theyíre tasked with leading the charge in major decisions or confronting stressful situations. When polarities become too similar, passion dies. Now what do you have? In place of what was once a sexy, fun, amazing relationship is now a friendship.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    I have lived through this as the woman who skews to theoretically masculine traits, and I have a people pleaser bf now.

    Yes, the dynamic you describe is true. It does not have to be that way.

    Try reframing everything. I mean, everything, your whole world view, in such a way that there is no Good, and no Bad. There is only skills of various kinds. You are a set of skills. She is a set of skills. Skills include knowing ways to think, to see, to choose, to find words, to behave. Its all part of a set of skills. Consider that she wants to please you too -- saying you're a people pleaser seems to set you apart from her. But most of us would prefer to please others, especially our SOs. You two SHARE this trait.

    You can do only what your skills permit. She can do only what her skills permit. Maybe you please one another, maybe you don't. What's it matter -- you can't do what you don't know. Maybe you feel bad when you don't please her; how does that help? All it does is bring you down and bring your focus away from her and onto yourself. Instead, accept your skills as they are and when you fall short in your own eyes see that as a gift. That is an opportunity to learn a new skill.

    Being a people pleaser makes you just like the rest of us. Please yourself (aren't you a person?) by accepting yourself and learning new skills as you go.

  9. #38
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    I agree in not being a doormat helps you attract a mate...but...

    Love languages come into play not to attract a mate with it, but help communication in a relationship that has already started -- its part of the communication and helping it grow. There are so many couples who say "i don't think he/she loves me anymore" when the other person actually fiercely loves the other person, but somehow things are breaking down. Classic example is the guy who is changing a woman's oil on her car, putting up shelves for her, making her a cake, and then the woman says "he doesn't say he loves me enough..." Well, when she opens her eyes and sees all the things he voluntarily does without her asking....he is saying it constantly...

  10. #39
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    Yeah, I don't know if I subscribe to any of this, be it the use of the terms masculine and feminine energy or the idea that a relationship requires polarity but, if it helps you make sense of some of your behaviours and how they might be approached better between the two of you, then absolutely take what you can from it. But I'd be wary of jumping on a Tony Robbins simplification as if those basic things have now defined who you and your wife are when, as Abitbroken says, there could be a lot more to see. Not being completely walked over is a good thing, whether it attracts your partner or not. Being a people pleaser is, as IAmFCA points out, just like most of us and again not a bad thing. It's how we get on with people. And these things aren't mutually exclusive. You can be a people pleaser who still looks out for his own needs when they matter. And if your disagreements could be resolved quicker, unless you truly were being walked over and about things that genuinely strongly matter to you, I would jump at that.

    This feels like it has been a long story for you. Have you talked these things out with your wife recently? Given how the thread started (love languages) and now polarities, I can't help but wonder if you're looking for something to define what is wrong when, really, it's going to come down to the two of you and where you're at in life.
    Last edited by Greg40s; 06-07-2019 at 09:40 AM.

  11. #40
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Exactly


    It is 100% possible to look after yourself, heed your own inner voice, and be kind to others, concurrently.

    In fact, it is kindest to do so, even when the thing you need to do is contrary to what someone else wants.

    Be kind; it is not the same thing as nice.

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