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Thread: Should I stay? Am I being unrealistic about marriage?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    we need to be seduced more times then not and if the seduction part of the relationship has dwindled, so will the desire which is why she never initiates.
    have you ever heard "sex starts in the kitchen?" If you speak harshly or snap at your wife during the day she isn't going to be hot for you when you close the bedroom door. And also, take your time. The idea of "having to perform" in an alloted time is stressful.

  2. #12
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thealchemist
    She really might be more of an asexual person, and there might be nothing you can do.
    thealchemist Thanks....I think that is what it is. I don't think it's any conversations we've had or not have.

  3. #13
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    If she's never had an orgasm, not even by herself then I can understand why, to her, sex isn't as important in the marriage as it is to you.

    I think you two would do better seeing a sex therapist then you would a marriage therapist. Hopefully you'll learn ways that will relax her enough to let herself go and you'll learn ways to allow her to relax enough.
    Thanks ThatwasThen I think this is the takeaway. If I can't just deal with it, a sex therapist might be the only way to work through this issue. When I talk about "my needs" to her, it just gets into an argument about being selfish, which I can assure is not the case. I do a lot of things for her, more than most guys I'd bet.
    Thanks again.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    have you ever heard "sex starts in the kitchen?" If you speak harshly or snap at your wife during the day she isn't going to be hot for you when you close the bedroom door. And also, take your time. The idea of "having to perform" in an alloted time is stressful.
    Indeed, I've heard that and most days I do it! Good food for thought for anyone. thanks

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    If you want to break up because your "love languages" are not compatible, then you really don't understand love languages. The point is to understand what your spouse's primary love language is and for them to know yours. If she is giving you sex, is having a good time doing it, etc, then why are you picking at her because she doesn't orgasm. A lot of women have a hard time orgasming and it can be physical - it has nothing to do with how satisfying you are. And also, have you taken the time to really take the time with no kids in the house, no kids due home, etc, and really taken the time to explore? Or is it all about your experience?

    You married her knowing what this situation was and to dump her because she can't orgasm is pretty low.
    Just to clarify, I cater to her love languages very well. but at the end of the day she makes a weak attempt of fulfilling mine. I see a couple in their 80's holding hands and it's the sweetest thing ever, I envy those seniors.
    When I hold her hand, after one minute she says your hand is too hot, or some other excuse.
    Her biggest love language is listening. I am very good at listening. As many women do, she drones on and on negatively about her coworkers almost daily, and I listen patiently and unbiased and give her feedback ONLY when asked.

    Secondly, she "gives me sex" as you put it, but is not having a good time doing it. TBH, I feel so guilty that for me, it's fireworks having an orgasm, and for her when I look up at her it appears like she is doing taxes. I go down on her for a long time with varied techniques and SHE eventually asks me to move on. I have explored everything with her, and offer the "does that feel good" "do you like that" stuff.
    Of course, oneu could say my ego is in play here, but it feels good pleasing somebody...is that so bad? I like opening the doors for people and volunteer work too. I get a great feeling to give in this way. The same goes for giving to my wife whether its a nice dinner, or in the bedroom.

    And no...I am not going to "dump her because she can't orgasm". It's not realistic and there is too much at stake.

    My inner (optimistic) voice keeps telling me: "Sex is not a big deal, so what if she doesn't like nice long kisses, doesn't hold hands, etc. She has other qualities that make up for it." But sometimes, I think back to other sexual experiences
    with women before that we're really great and wish they could be part of my marriage.
    I don't look at porn, and I'll never cheat on her. Just want a good solution.
    I suppose sex therapy is the only option, or for me not get hung up on it. Maybe I should approach it as "she's not complaining in the bedroom, maybe I should just accept it as it is...and enjoy the experience myself anyway.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Betterwithout
    Thanks ThatwasThen I think this is the takeaway. If I can't just deal with it, a sex therapist might be the only way to work through this issue. When I talk about "my needs" to her, it just gets into an argument about being selfish, which I can assure is not the case. I do a lot of things for her, more than most guys I'd bet.
    Thanks again.
    What about making it about "her needs" = find out what SHE likes and do more of it. if she doesn't get anything when you go down on her, what does she like? In all fairness -- are you having sex when she has to get up at 6 am or when the kids are sick and restless/constantly getting up at night. Have you considered a little getaway?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    I think your "other 30 %" is quite a big deal O.o!!

    As is the fact you're the progressive type eager to adress your own setbacks, while she categorically refuses to improve on anything.

    Do I understand correctly the only "glue" keeping you with her is finances, children and similar matters of convenience? Is there, for you, any "partnership" in this partnership that you appreciate and would like to hold on to?

    Might you extrapolate on the terms you used to describe the 30%? They would be pretty upsetting to me.

    I honestly feel bad for you. You jumped into this with too little thought, true, but it seems a shame to condemn yourself to an overall unsatisfying relationship, especially seeing as you havent been in a good one for quite a while.
    Exactly what would need to change (it very much seems its not just the lack of sex), and in what way, for this to be fulfilling for you, and do you think it realistic the change could occur?

    Does she harbor resentment for you for some reason, or distrust?

    If you were to think of your "mistake" ( marrying her) as a hidden intention, what might the intention have been?

  9. #18
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    Sounds like this is more about passion than just sex. That everything physical, even holding hands or kissing, is just mechanical. She's the obligatory "good wife" in almost every way, thus, you might be really well suited to be roommates and share a life in that way. But not in the hot, sexy way, nor in the 80 year-olds holding hands sweetly way.

    I get it. This isn't just about her not ever having had an orgasm, although I think that might be a huge symptom as to her underlying psychological barrier towards greater intimacy and passion. Even women who never orgasm can love to hold hands, kiss, cuddle. Your wife does none of these.

    At this stage, with this much life built together, please seek great therapy before just walking away.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    What about making it about "her needs" = find out what SHE likes and do more of it. if she doesn't get anything when you go down on her, what does she like? In all fairness -- are you having sex when she has to get up at 6 am or when the kids are sick and restless/constantly getting up at night. Have you considered a little getaway?
    He has already said he is making it about her and she's not responding or giving him feedback about what WILL help make her respond so I'm not understanding why you're making this HIS fault.

    Op: Do some research into sex therapy and then see if your wife is open enough to want to go with you to help her start enjoying things. It is exciting and arousing to see one's partner in the throes of passion so I hope the two of you can work it out with the help of a professional. Hopefully, You'll find different ways to connect outside of the bedroom that will lead to more play inside of it.

    Good luck

  11. #20
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Thank you all for the responses.
    Therapy seems to be the best bet.

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