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Thread: Should I stay? Am I being unrealistic about marriage?

  1. #1
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Should I stay? Am I being unrealistic about marriage?

    Hi everyone. This is a great forum and I am back with a concern of my own.
    Hope you can help.

    Some background:

    Divorced since 2009. We were married for 9 years, together 13 years. with 2 kids
    Ex cheated. Didn't have any remorse, didn't apologize, didn't have any interest in therapy or staying in the marriage, she moved out.
    Kids live with me during the week (she is actually the "weekend Dad" unconventional right? but we mutually agreed)

    After lots of dating, I remarried 3.5 years ago. We have a child together.


    My current situation

    I am generally unhappy, and feel I married for the wrong reasons.
    We are compatible with many of the fundamentals (morals, family oriented, interests, financial), but our "7 Love Languages" are very different, especially sexually.
    It's been a stumbling block for me. All women I have been with (about 8 or 9) I had great sexual chemistry with about 5 or 6 of them, but with her, it feels very unnatural, even mechanical.
    She has never orgasmed, and hasn't on her own before either. She might have a physical or psychological reason of not having one, but she doesn't care to seek help for it. I've tried everything, many times for long periods of time. Having said that...she seems and says she is content, but I think she doesn't know what she is missing and it affects her interest in having sex to begin with.

    Some say they know they are sexually compatible/attracted just by kissing each other, even the first kiss they have on a date.

    I've never felt tingles when we kiss. Sometimes our kisses feel obligatory.
    I figured our marriage would need some time to flourish, and we'd mesh physically eventually. side note: Her family was dysfunctional growing up, so I thought her comfort level just
    wasn't there yet with me (perhaps her trust in me needed to grow?), but in time would get there. It's been 6 years together, and it's not getting better, I think it's actually getting worse.

    So you ask....why did you marry her, and why did you have a child together?

    Well, it felt right at the time and it felt like the passion was just in the growing stages, and everything else seemed to be falling place. I figured the bond would grow.

    Now I feel like I am staying the marriage for the wrong reasons.....financial, for the kids, companionship.

    I realize this is a very common theme in marriage, but do I just stay? Am I being selfish? Should I just be happy for what we do have, and not be negative about what we don't have? I know the challenges would be greater if we divorced and I really don't want to go through that again.
    Should I just bring my expectations down to increase my happiness? I am already thinking that I will leave after the kids move out.

    Your opinions are appreciated.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member thealchemist's Avatar
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    So is sex 99% of the issue?

  3. #3
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thealchemist
    So is sex 99% of the issue?
    Great question. I'd say sex is 70% of the issue. Many do put sexual compatibility high on the list of marriage needs. (I am one of them). There are other issues that make up the other 30% of my dissatisfaction in the marriage.
    I don't want to cheat and will never do it (on the receiving end of a cheater helps me not do it), but I'd be lying if I said I don't fantasize being with another women.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member thealchemist's Avatar
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    I am pretty experienced on "closing the gap" on sexual needs.

    I am a sex everday guy. My wife used to consider herself a 1-4 times a month woman. We now have a very happy sex life but it did take a conscious effort that started with me.

    Now that other 30% is a big deal on how I would proceed.

    Lack of passion and low drive are things that can sometimes be increased.

    Figuring out whether she is more asexual or whether she just hasn't "blossomed" yet is important too.

    What are the other issues?

    They still might be rooted in sex too.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    30% is the little petty annoyances everyone has to deal with when they share a life together.

    It's personal hygiene, not doing their share of housework, leaving things everywhere, hypocrisy, cheapness, lack of self-improvement and self-awareness.

    I am not ignorant that I bring my own set of annoyances to the marriage, but I am constantly trying to better myself. Going to see a therapist soon and asking opinions of others.

    thealchemist: What strategies did you do to close the gap. I am a sex once a week kinda guy. She is once a week too...only because I ask or initiate 100% of the time. If I didn't initiate, she'd probably be content with once a year.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It must cause some stress for both of you. How old is she? Does she have medical problems or take medication? Start with couples therapy not to fix her sexually but to start the dialogue. Here's an article: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by Betterwithout
    She has never orgasmed, and hasn't on her own before either. She might have a physical or psychological reason of not having one, but she doesn't care to seek help for it.

  8. #7
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. It must cause some stress for both of you. How old is she? Does she have medical problems or take medication? Start with couples therapy not to fix her sexually but to start the dialogue. Here's an article: [Register to see the link]
    Thanks Wiseman2. It doesn't cause stress for her, just for me. It's difficult for me to enjoy the experience when she doesn't. I reach orgasm no problem, but it's not as enjoyable because it's just a one way street. If I can use a metaphor to describe where she might be at....you will never know the thrill of a rollercoaster or the taste of the best ice cream unless you have experienced it.
    The conversation is the elephant in the room for me, so I don't bring it up any longer. I just accept it, but these days it's been troubling me. She doesn't have any medical problems or take any medication.
    I fear that seeing a therapist together won't be successful (she takes criticism very poorly, even when presented sensitively.) She comes from the belief that couples should work out their problems together too.
    I am seeing a therapist on my own to help me through these thoughts.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member thealchemist's Avatar
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    Well I don't know how passive you have been with bringing this issue up with her but it wasn't direct enough.

    Or you need to convey to her the this a big issue to you and it isn't going away.

    I would try to just have a very open conversation about it and if she won't give you that then you need to convince her how important it is to you until she talks to you about it.

    She really might be more of an asexual person, and there might be nothing you can do.

    Or she might just need some proper coaxing.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    If she's never had an orgasm, not even by herself then I can understand why, to her, sex isn't as important in the marriage as it is to you.

    I think you two would do better seeing a sex therapist then you would a marriage therapist. Hopefully you'll learn ways that will relax her enough to let herself go and you'll learn ways to allow her to relax enough.

    In the beginning, during the new relationship energy stage, the passion and sexual intimacy is enough to motivate coupling (even if she's not orgasming) but once that new energy dissipates, (which it will in all long term relationships) it takes a whole lot more for desire to rear it's lovely head. You two have to learn how to get the 'desire' back. Women (at least I think the most of us) don't get aroused just for the sake of it... we need to be seduced more times then not and if the seduction part of the relationship has dwindled, so will the desire which is why she never initiates.

  11. #10
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    If you want to break up because your "love languages" are not compatible, then you really don't understand love languages. The point is to understand what your spouse's primary love language is and for them to know yours. If she is giving you sex, is having a good time doing it, etc, then why are you picking at her because she doesn't orgasm. A lot of women have a hard time orgasming and it can be physical - it has nothing to do with how satisfying you are. And also, have you taken the time to really take the time with no kids in the house, no kids due home, etc, and really taken the time to explore? Or is it all about your experience?

    You married her knowing what this situation was and to dump her because she can't orgasm is pretty low.

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