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I don't want a divorce


CatsMeeoow

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My husband and I have been married for over 7yr. Second marriages for both. We each have kids but not together.

 

Things of course were good and hot in the beginning. He adored me. Somehow I just dropped the ball with work and kids. I became a neglectful wife. He needs physical touch and I knew that and vowed to make sure I would meet his needs years ago but things happen. Then before I know it I'm resisting his touch. I just put up a wall. I wasn't deliberately rejecting him. I never meant to hurt him. But, I did very badly. I was trying to make amends to tell him how sorry I was and I see my mistakes.

 

He has one foot out the door. He originally said he was still here because I had made this realization because he was planning on going. He said he needed to go slow and to give him space. I tried my best but realizing how much I had neglected him for so long I wanted to make up for lost time. I think I pushed too much as he is further now than 30 days ago.

He is so angry.

 

We are a high risk couple. We work different shifts (I'm first and he is thirds) AND he has an hour commute each day to work which he has come to loathe over the years. I want to move - I want to move for my husband's sanity but he is not accepting of that now. He says if he leaves it will be to get away from me.

 

He said he is very fearful of letting me back in because he doesn't want to risk getting hurt again. To yesterday saying he just isn't going to let me in because he will not be hurt like that again. He has said the only reason he is still here right now is the fear of starting over. He states we are a math problem. That two people can make better progress in the world than one.

 

He harps on our differences and goes off on how our dreams and plans for the future are not the same... they used to be at one point. He just says he wants to be alone and leave simply and not feel accountable to anyone.

 

When I ask what is going to happen he simply states he does not have a crystal ball so he does not know the future. He only concerned with today. I know he worries about me being able to take care of my self. He just doesn't want to up and leave. He is paying off our debt but then when I ask so- you pay off our debt and then your gone he gets a little cross saying not exactly. He says he is hoping for the best but planning for the worse. When I tell him I know what mistakes I made and I won't make them again he says that how can I know the future.

 

He says he does not love me anymore. I know this is due to the hurt and rejection. I love my husband. I don't want a divorce.

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Would he agree to counseling?

 

I know a couple that went thru something similar and he ultimately found attention elsewhere and cheated.

They are one of the few exceptions I know that were able to turn it around.

 

But they made some big sacrifices to do so. By the advice of their marriage counselor they came up with a plan.

 

She quit her job to stay home with their 2 very young sons. He had a full time job and a side business.

The lucrative side business was dissolved.

The 3 combined incomes afforded them a luxurious house and lifestyle. But they had neglected each other.

 

They sold the home, downsized and lived modestly and comfortably on one income and dedicated themselves to each other,

their family and their marriage.

 

They are still married today, just celebrated their 35 wedding anniversary and going strong.

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There is no affair... unless you want to count Zillow where he looks for a life without me.

 

My husband once and only once asked to go to counselling 4 years ago. I didn't know what to think or that he was that serious. I apologized profusely that we did not go then. I'm so sad I hurt him so much.

 

We went to a counselor yesterday. She basically had us leave after 20min. When she asked on a scale of 1-10 to ability to save the marriage my husband said 2.3 and I said 10. I could live with that - its a start... and it not freaking zero. However, my husband said he would not talk about feelings and he would not do any homework. She said that unless 2 people work at it together she wasn't going to waste our time.

 

I was devastated. She didn't even ask how long we were married. My husband said he was indifferent because he has a lot of bottled anger over the years from being rejected. We each took time to be talking to be heard. I think even though he didn't come across as being on board he was there. But, she decided she wasn't going to help. She said we should go home and talk about it. Uh, hello... we have been that is why we are in your office.

 

:eek:

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Sorry to hear this. The breakdown of a marriage is never one all person's fault, so don't beat yourself up over that. Is it possible he is seeing someone and planning his departure and blaming you? It would be best to not allow stonewalling.

 

Go to therapy alone and discuss if joint counseling may be a good idea. Do you work? What does he mean "being able to take care of yourself"? It seems he's thinking of divorce, see an attorney so you can get advice and won't get blindsided if it comes to that. Start saving as much money as you can in a separate account. Get credit cards in your own name. Do you co-own the house or move into his?

He just says he wants to be alone and leave simply and not feel accountable to anyone.

he simply states he does not have a crystal ball so he does not know the future.

He is paying off our debt but then when I ask so- you pay off our debt and then your gone he gets a little cross saying not exactly.

He says he is hoping for the best but planning for the worse.

He says he does not love me anymore.

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I would meet with an attorney to find out all of my options in my location. Getting legal advice is not the same thing as filing for a divorce.

 

I'd propose to husband counseling. I'd ask him what I can give him in exchange for working with a marriage counselor.

 

If he's not willing to work on the marriage and the attorney advises a legal separation, I'd kick him out. I'd tell him to use the separation as a means of learning whether he wants to live on his own or whether he wants to return and work on the marriage.

 

That's the best shot you've got, because marriage work needs to be voluntary on both sides, and you cannot pressure someone into that. Filing legal separation may protect you in certain ways, such as from any further debt he incurs. This is why legal advice is necessary before doing anything, but I'd certainly back off and stop trying to stronarm him into compliance--that will only make him dig in his heels and resent you more.

 

Head high.

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Those are good words.

 

The real kicker is the one thing I wanted from my husband was less drama between him and the kids - I've got that now. Things between him and the kids are going well. Sadly he no longer wants me at the moment.

 

I work outside the home. I was on my own for years before him. I think he knows this will devastate me and he wants to be sure there is good financial footing for both of us. The house is mine.

 

He still wears his ring. He hasn't taken it off but he says he doesn't love me but he doesn't dislike me. Right now he told the therapist we are cohabiting with a contract.

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What if all his emotions are just stuffed under anger right now? I have left him feeling lonely for so long.

 

Right now I know he feels trapped and hasn't any respect for me. Is the only way to set him free from those feelings is to boot him out? What if he is just trying to find any reasons to stay? What if I throw him out too quickly?

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You need to do some emergency work here. I would ask at work if you can move your shift so that you can see your husband more or state to your husband that if you look for another job that makes it so you see eachother more, will he agree to work on things. I understand that you might have different shifts to be able to be home for the kids, but the kids can be in afterschool care or activities a few days a week to make up the difference or hiring someone to be home at dinner time with them is money well spent. You said you put up a wall --- that's why he has checked out. you need to be vulnerable and honest, and giving your marriage a 10 is dishonest. If you at least gave a 6-7 you are showing that you are at least a little cognizant on the fact that its shakey.

 

can he agree to go away for a weekend with you or ship the kids off for the weekend to stay with grandparents?

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What if all his emotions are just stuffed under anger right now? I have left him feeling lonely for so long.

 

I would have to say no. He checked out. He probably doesn't have all these lovey emotions ready to come to the surface. can you identify a time when you think he felt open and emotional - and missed his wife? its just a reality for him now. There are plenty of spouses that work different shifts and are madly in love.

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I wish...

 

I have offered to move and be the one with a commute. He said he would never ask me to do something he hates. I offered to change jobs.

 

He has no desire to go away with me for a weekend. He says he doesn't know me right now. He feels betrayed. He feels very betrayed. I noticed a problem. I started making changes. He even said if this had been last year he would have eaten all this up and more. But, he says he is angry that I'm clearly capable of doing the things he desired and somehow I chose not to do them. I tell him I'm sorry and even though he was telling me I just wasn't getting it... it wasn't sinking in for me how much pain he was in.

 

He is checked out. He is burnt out. He says he doesn't want to rebuild anything. It hurt too much and he isn't going to risk being hurt like that again.

 

I asked him to take some time off in May for a work trip I have. He said he put in for the time off but he says that doesn't mean he is going. I said I understand and thanked him for at least getting the time off in case he does want to come.

 

You are right abitbroken... I should have been more honest with my answer. I do feel we could get through this but it is really up to him to open up. I can only work on me and improve myself to not make the same mistakes. I cannot force him to do anything.

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I would have to say no. He checked out. He probably doesn't have all these lovey emotions ready to come to the surface. can you identify a time when you think he felt open and emotional - and missed his wife? its just a reality for him now. There are plenty of spouses that work different shifts and are madly in love.

 

That make's sense.

 

He feels its been 3yr for him but I remember pleasant times with him even 4 months ago. And, we got rather close again in December when things started to come to light. It felt really close to me.

 

How does one work with a burnt out spouse? I've tried to suggest we do a new activity together. He really wanted to do this wine trail years ago but with the kids being young and I worked every other weekend followed by his work shift changed to only working thurs, fri, sat, sun... we had no time to do something that required travel from home more than 30min. I asked if we could do it now. Now that we are available and have the time. He said no because when he suggested I didn't approve it. I tried to remind him of the timing and our constraints back then but he feels that any idea he brings up I shoot down.

 

How to get him to uncheck his check out.

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I wish...

 

I have offered to move and be the one with a commute. He said he would never ask me to do something he hates. I offered to change jobs.

 

He has no desire to go away with me for a weekend. He says he doesn't know me right now. He feels betrayed. He feels very betrayed. I noticed a problem. I started making changes. He even said if this had been last year he would have eaten all this up and more. But, he says he is angry that I'm clearly capable of doing the things he desired and somehow I chose not to do them. I tell him I'm sorry and even though he was telling me I just wasn't getting it... it wasn't sinking in for me how much pain he was in.

 

He is checked out. He is burnt out. He says he doesn't want to rebuild anything. It hurt too much and he isn't going to risk being hurt like that again.

 

I asked him to take some time off in May for a work trip I have. He said he put in for the time off but he says that doesn't mean he is going. I said I understand and thanked him for at least getting the time off in case he does want to come.

 

You are right abitbroken... I should have been more honest with my answer. I do feel we could get through this but it is really up to him to open up. I can only work on me and improve myself to not make the same mistakes. I cannot force him to do anything.

 

I would make any changes i can anyway.

Offering to move is major upheavel for the family - new schools, etc and requires him to make major changes - changing jobs only involves you.

its nice to "offer" but doing is the only thing that will make a difference. He may leave anyways, but then its not just an idle promise.

 

What changed between last year and this year --- you have opposite schedules, but besides that, what made you so cold to him this past year that made him feel like this?

 

Was it passive-aggressiveness - you didn't like how he was towards the kids so therefore you gave him the shoulder?

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Schedules have been hard for years. We are a blended family with kids to drive back and forth to other homes. My husband feels his life is in one city and he drives 60miles to sleep every night. In the beginning I made it worth it to him. He loved coming home to me but over the last 3 years I would sit in the room watching tv with him and knit rather than hold his hand. I would be in the car and knit during a long drive rather than hold his hand. It broke him and I didn't mean to I swear.

 

I had gained some weight and got self conscious. I would pull away when he hugged me because I was embarrassed. But he took it as I was rejecting him. I really wasn't. I have since lost 20+lbs lately but he barely notices.

 

He is checked out. I don't know what to do to get him to check back in. I miss him terribly.

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There is no affair... unless you want to count Zillow where he looks for a life without me.

 

My husband once and only once asked to go to counselling 4 years ago. I didn't know what to think or that he was that serious. I apologized profusely that we did not go then. I'm so sad I hurt him so much.

 

We went to a counselor yesterday. She basically had us leave after 20min. When she asked on a scale of 1-10 to ability to save the marriage my husband said 2.3 and I said 10. I could live with that - its a start... and it not freaking zero. However, my husband said he would not talk about feelings and he would not do any homework. She said that unless 2 people work at it together she wasn't going to waste our time.

 

I was devastated. She didn't even ask how long we were married. My husband said he was indifferent because he has a lot of bottled anger over the years from being rejected. We each took time to be talking to be heard. I think even though he didn't come across as being on board he was there. But, she decided she wasn't going to help. She said we should go home and talk about it. Uh, hello... we have been that is why we are in your office.

 

:eek:

 

This person does not sound like a good counselor. You're supposed to use the positive aspects to bring out what may not even be there. Say things like it's great both of you decided to take the first step towards fixing this marriage. And then keep up with talk like this till the conversation changes from I don't want this marriage to here's what I have to do to get this marriage to work.

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This person does not sound like a good counselor. You're supposed to use the positive aspects to bring out what may not even be there. Say things like it's great both of you decided to take the first step towards fixing this marriage. And then keep up with talk like this till the conversation changes from I don't want this marriage to here's what I have to do to get this marriage to work.

 

I feel the exact same way... I spoke with a friend who had been in marriage counseling and he said this lady was obviously a *****.

 

I mean he made it to the appointment... he was there... sure he was indifferent and was there because I asked but that is a freaking start.

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If he won’t allow you to fix it I am not sure what you can do. Maybe write him a heart felt letter? But don’t let this become a situation of emotional suffering and abuse because you love him and he wants to emotionally punish you and just live together because it is easier than divorce.

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Sorry hit send by mistake. We're still in the same house and I'm working my way through this with lots of help. My advice is go to counseling by yourself and work on healing you and making you a better parent and person. He's asked for space. Give it to him and let him know if he wants to work on marriage you're open to it. Fill your life with your kids, friends, etc. Find some fun in your life. Stop focusing on all the things you did wrong (I'm sure he wasn't perfect) and take care of yourself. And keep posting here. The advice I've received here has been helpful and sometimes it just helps to know you're not alone.

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Sorry hit send by mistake. We're still in the same house and I'm working my way through this with lots of help. My advice is go to counseling by yourself and work on healing you and making you a better parent and person. He's asked for space. Give it to him and let him know if he wants to work on marriage you're open to it. Fill your life with your kids, friends, etc. Find some fun in your life. Stop focusing on all the things you did wrong (I'm sure he wasn't perfect) and take care of yourself. And keep posting here. The advice I've received here has been helpful and sometimes it just helps to know you're not alone.

 

I'm not sure I ready for solo counseling yet especially after the therapist we just to for help shut us down in 20minutes... I mean aren't they supposed to try to make you feel comfortable so you can open up? I am not kidding. Twenty minutes into our appointment she said there is no point.

 

I get it that my husband said he would talk about emotions and he wouldn't do homework but come on at the very least she could have fostered some communication between us. She could have at least given us her full hour. So yeah individual counseling is not something I trust.

 

I get that he needs space. I did go through panic mode and was honest with him that I was panicky. It just feels like I have pushed him to a place he cannot come back from.

 

I have tried to get into new groups. I had a dinner with co-workers and I had one drink and he keeps referring that I keep going out to bars. What?? I joined a social knit group and he balked at that too. I mean I would rather spend time with my husband but he would rather work so he doesn't have to see me. I guess he is in the stage I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either and sadly I'm sure it will pass. I had false hope that it meant he does care about me despite his ramblings because he can't stop bringing up I had one dinner with friends in 8 months. Sigh.

 

I've read about 12 self help books on marriage and my issues. I am trying to let him see that I'm working on the things that bother him but I cannot fix this miserable commute to his job that he has come to loathe and everything about me with it.

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Don't judge all counselors by just one. You may have to try several before you click with one. You've become a victim of faulty thinking due to his putting you down or making you feel bad for going out with friends. Don't fall for that. You made some mistakes as a partner but you've shown a willingness to learn from it and become a better partner. It sounds like he's only interested in punishing you. No matter what mistakes you've made you deserve to be happy and feel valued. Try another counselor and don't sit around hoping for the light to come on with this guy. Get out and have some fun.

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What if all his emotions are just stuffed under anger right now? I have left him feeling lonely for so long.

 

Right now I know he feels trapped and hasn't any respect for me. Is the only way to set him free from those feelings is to boot him out? What if he is just trying to find any reasons to stay? What if I throw him out too quickly?

 

Asking him for a separation for him to resolve where he stands isn't booting him or throwing him, it's giving him options. Making it clear that the door is open if he chooses to return and work on the marriage leaves room for him to decide that marriage to you is VOLUNTARY, not a 'trap'.

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