I don't know if I can trust her

My partner and I will be celebrating 10 years together next month. She smokes weed. Always has. I hate it, always have. It has been a source of contention for us throughout the years, her promising not to smoke around me and then breaking that promise and lying about it. Multiple times. Hurt feelings on both sides. It's been fine for awhile, she smokes when I'm at work or asleep and she cleans up so I don't have to smell it. Then last week she tells me she borrowed money from me. No big deal, happens all the time. She always pays me back. But she won't tell me what it's for. I'm thinking it's for my birthday, but that's not it. She fesses up a couple days later and says she got a great deal on an ounce but didn't have the money so she borrowed mine. Woah. No. Not ok. She knows full well I would have said no if she asked to borrow the money for that reason. She then says she wasn't planning on ever telling me but I just had to keep asking. We had it out and she says to drop it. Our relationship is great in all other aspects except the weed thing. I don't know if I can just "drop it." She doesn't understand why I'm so upset since she borrows money all the time. I don't know what to do.

No one is perfect. If EVERYTHING else is good, as you say, I wouldn't sweat it.

Accept her for her flaws, and your relationship will flourish.

If the weed turns her into a sloppy and neglecting person, e.g. causing problems with friends and relatives for You, cut-off the relationship. But if only the recreational usage bothers you, I don't think this is a problem.

If this gives her an excuse to hang around with other pot-heads, who push her into moderate usage, then yes, this is also a problem.

But if this is just "her thing" , DO NOT BOTHER.

Can you stay with someone who smokes weed? If you can? Then you don't get a say in what she borrows money -for-, just that she pays you back. If you can't? then break up. You knew she smoked weed when you got together. You know that she's been smoking weed for the past 10 years while you were together.

Can I ask what your issue with weed is? Why does this one thing bother you so much (when you've always know she smokes weed) when the relationship is great in all other aspects? What is it about weed that gets so under your skin? Does she treat you poorly when she is stoned?

You can trust her to carry on using weed, for sure, and it sounds like you can trust her to pay back the money she spends on it. Think about it... does she not have money because she spends it on weed, and then needs to borrow money from you for other things?

If so, you're indirectly lending her the money to support the habit anyway and, yes - it does seem a little strange that you object to this when you lend her money all the time.

Given that you've signed up for a long term relationship with a pothead, this is what you can reasonably expect.

Mostly my issue is the smell. I get physically sick if I smell weed. She's tried edibles and vaping but didn't like them. Second is how she acts when she's high. She kind of "dumbs down", she can't remember conversations we've had and she can't hold a serious conversation. I think the reason it bothers me so much is not even the weed itself but how she knows how much I hate it but still used my money to buy it.

She's on a fixed income. Social security benefits. She pays all her bills on time. She collects cans to buy her weed. If she borrows money it's usually if something extra came up like she needs new tires. So no, she really hasn't borrowed money for weed in the past. That I know of.

Second is how she acts when she's high. She kind of "dumbs down", she can't remember conversations we've had and she can't hold a serious conversation.

This is exactly why I wouldn't have a relationship with someone who does weed. I haven't touched the stuff for decades, but in later life I've had relationships with guys who did. I felt it would be hypocritical to have any objection, given my history.

However, I realised in even later life that someone who's habitually stoned isn't available to you in any meaningful way; even if they're not completely s**tfaced at the time, it does affect thought processes and memory and will always be a barrier to real emotional intimacy. These days, that's a dealbreaker.

Sure she pays her bills on time, because you keep loaning her money. Is she collecting cans for weed money or taking your money for it?

That whole "it's ok because she pays you back" is rubbish. It's YOUR money. Not hers to just take as she pleases. I gotta love how people turn this into a "what's your problem with weed" issue while she's taking your money without asking to support her habit.

Also, the way you make it sound, she stole from you. She took money from you and told you after. I'd be a little miffed about that. Regardless, she sounds like she's lousy with finances.

I've never heard of telling someone you borrowed money from them. That just sounds like theft.

You are supporting her habit. She doesn't have a penny saved for any kind of emergencies because she spends all extra income on weed. When in trouble, she leans on you to pay. Directly or indirectly, you've been supporting her habit for 10 years. Honestly, I just don't get it. If you have such a problem with weed, why did you ever get involved with her, let alone stay with her for 10 years constantly fighting over this. She isn't going to change and you need to stop expecting her to.

Your words and actions don't match. You say it's such a big deal, but then you keep sticking around. So which is it? Make up your mind and either get over this or break up.

For reference, I smoke daily.

But her issues seem to be more in her codependent nature or her laziness.

My wife and I both budget ourselves an entertainment fund that we each get an equal split to. We can do what we want with it, and I chose to spend mine on green. I also typically spend less than my wife anyways, even with my habit.

Our house is taken care of so our place doesn't stink like it either. I smoke daily too. If you clean up and have everything in order I'm not sure how it can stink up the entire house and make you sick.

If she has done this for 10 years she isn't going to stop. If you have known of this the entire time you don't really have a leg to stand on in regards to her doing it or not.

Now expecting her to cover herself financially is what you should do. And expect her to clean up her mess and negate the smell as best she can.

But with the actual smoking part, if you haven't gotten over it yet I doubt you at going to.

Sh*t or get off the pot. (...)

Why are you with someone who does something you’re so completely against. I dated someone who smoked weed and I was disgusted by it. He’s say I was naive everyone did it and I was in the wrong for judging him. Whatevs I’m not into it I don’t want it around me in my home near my kids etc. she’s been transparent she’s going to continue doing this stuff. She will borrow money collect cans whatever to get it. Next time she’s not going to tell you what she uses the $ for and that’s where the lying begins. This is a deal breaker for me if it isn’t for you than accept it and don’t complain about it to her