Ex boyfriend is unsure of what he wants

Hi all, my ex boyfriend broke up with me last July and we were together for a year plus before we broke up. I was devastated when he broke up with me and I did all the things that I wasn't supposed to do - crying and begging him to take me back. I realised that I should stop doing that and I tried to be more positive.

I've been trying my best to show my ex boyfriend that I have changed for the better as I was quite an a** to him in the past. Over the past few months, he has been more receptive to the idea of getting back together and we even went out a few times last December after our final exams. Things were getting much better but unfortunately, he has flown to another country for a college exchange program and will only be back 5 months later. Before he flew off, I even had dinner and sent him off together with his family. Up till now, many of our friends and his family still think that we are together. I'm even much closer to this mum than before.

We never fail to text each other everyday (since the day we broke up). The reason why he broke up with me was that he felt that we were no longer growing as a couple, we were incompatible and he couldn't see a future for us anymore. As I continued and tried my best to save our relationship, he told me that he would give me an answer about his decision soon. Initially, he told me that he would tell me before he flew off for his exchange program but then he said he still wasn't sure so he told me that he would tell me when he touched down. Until now, it has been 2 weeks ++ he still hasn't told me his answer yet.

I talked to him yesterday about it. He said that he could tell I have changed a lot (for the better) but he is still unsure of himself. He's not even exactly sure what he's unsure about. He has thought of getting back together but it feels weird. He hopes that he could sort things out and that things would work out too. He even told me that I should go ahead and do my own things and not care about him.

I'm 100% sure that he's not stringing me along in case anyone of you feel that that's what he's doing. He wouldn't even hold my hands/hug me/ do all the couple things because we aren't officially back together yet. I know him very well and throughout the past few months, he has been putting in effort as well.

There was a period when I tried to cut off contact for a day but I texted him again the next day because he had some important project going on and he was very stressed out and I didn't want to add on his burden. However, during that one day of me not texting him, he was quite sad and he told our mutual friend about it. He also told one of our mutual friends that he was considering getting back together after our final exams (which was

last December...)...

I can feel that he genuinely wants us to work out and get back together too but he is just not very sure of his feelings and what he wants. It's as though his heart wants us to get back together but his mind is stopping him. I know that some of you may think that I'm very foolish for doing so much for him but honestly, I feel that it is worth it. I know that if I were to let go and move on now, I would regret it for life. I still love him very much and I just can't bring myself to let go just let that. I have a gut feeling that he will come back to me somehow but I'm not sure what I can do to help him be sure of his feelings.. Does anyone have any advice on this? As of now, we are somewhat in the "more than friends but less than couple" phase.. The future is so uncertain and I'm really afraid that he may leave me one day :( What can I do to help us progress further so that he will be more certain of our relationship? :( Sometimes I feel that he's not sure of his feelings for me because we were together for a year+ and you can say that we are each other's best friends and that we are very comfortable with each other. It is exactly at this phase where couples start to get comfortable with each other and they lose the spark between them, things start to fall into a routine which cause many relationship crumble. And now that he's away for 5months, him not being physically here makes everything even more difficult. Could this distance between us be a good thing? Am I being too impatient? To be honest, there has been a huge progress the past few months, it's just that he is still unsure of his feelings...

Hmmm. I think he was pretty clear. You two are not compatible. I think he still feels a lot of emotion for you and wanted to let you down gently. But you skirted over what you were arguing about and I'm surmising that you were manipulative and controlling in the relationship. It's easier to act more mature now that you're separated from him and are friends on the Internet. But your old self will probably come back very quickly if you were able to reignite your love affair. People can't change overnight (or in 5 months). A lot of times the way you act comes from childhood experiences and it's ingrained in your personality.

I think you two should go no contact and give yourself time to really make up your minds about whether to continue the relationship or not when your ex comes back from overseas. You won't let go of this relationship, and it's led you to think of nothing else but getting back with your ex. I don't think that's going to happen, and you probably should really hear about what your ex is saying when he tells you his mind is stopping him from getting back with you and that he's not sure of his feelings. You're hearing what you what to hear, but he's clearly saying you two are just no compatible. You're going to have to face this now or when he comes back.

I don't know, OP, but it's not looking too good.

He is abroad and about to have some amazing experiences. I would not expect him to maintain regular contact while he's gone; he's going to have so many distractions that I would try not to get my hopes up too much.

I'd leave him to go off and do his thing while he's away. You two can't really work on anything while he's gone anyhow. Take this time apart for yourself too. Think about whether you really want to continue to fold yourself into a pretzel trying to convince someone to be with you. The right guy for you wouldn't let you go and then keep waffling about whether or not he wants to be with you. The truth is that if he did, you'd be together now. His doubts are much stronger than his inclinations to reconcile at this point. Go No Contact for a good, long while so you can reset your mind. When he comes back, perhaps then you two can talk. But now isn't the time for that, in my point of view.

Hi DanZee, you are right.

I was quite manipulative and controlling when we were together. In fact, we did have a talk about our relationship last April and he wanted to continue trying at that time. However, I blew the chance off. I was still selfish and took him for granted. Somehow, at that time, I was feeling exactly the same way as what he is feeling now - I was confused about my own feelings and didn't know what I want too. However, when he finally decided to give up last July did I realise that I actually love him very much and that I had been a very bad gf but it's all too late.

That's why I have been putting in effort to change myself for the better, of course at the same time I hope he would want to get back together with me. During the past few months being in contact with him, I can feel myself becoming more positive and less insecure. Of course at times, I still get upset over some stuff but I still need more time to become better. I can feel that our conversations are much better than before now. We are able to connect deeply if you get what I mean..

To be honest with you, I don't wish to go no contact. There has been a huge progress and both of us were happy when we went out together. I know during this period, I should focus on myself but it is very hard for me to not think about him :( In fact, it almost feels like we are still a couple, just that we do not do all the couple stuff like hugging, holding hands or kissing. I admit that I have been very pushy in terms of asking him for an answer. I have been telling myself that I gotta give him time. On some days, I feel that I'm able to let it go and just let nature take its course. On other days, I would get impatient and upset about our situation.. :(

Yes, it is true that I can't let go of the relationship.. :( I want to let things happen naturally too but by going no contact, doesn't it tell him that I'm moving on? Wouldn't it be even more difficult to reconnect again after no contact? During these few months, I can see that he has been putting in effort as well. He would continue texting me even when I was busy and didn't have the chance to reply him. I even video called him 2 days ago. Yesterday, I was really surprised when he took the initiative to tell me that the girl in his social media is just a friend (as I was quite paranoid and insecure recently). He doesn't have to do all these if he doesn't care about me..

I'm not quite sure how to view this situation. On the bright side, there's a good progress and maybe I should let go of our past relationship while working on this progress. On the contrary, I'm afraid that at the end of the day, he would still decide to leave :(

In addition, I will be going overseas with him for a summer exchange program in July after he comes back from overseas hahaha

Miss Canuck, I agree with you that it is probably not a good time to talk about our relationship especially when he's abroad now. As opposed to what you believe, he has been texting me regularly. Even when I'm busy and don't have the chance to reply him, he would continue texting me and update me on what he's doing on his exchange.

Do you think it is still possible to keep in touch as "friends" and work from there? There has been great progress and I don't wish to just give up like that :(

I do acknowledge that I have to focus on myself now and put all this "relationship situation" on hold. However, how do I stop myself from thinking about how happy we used to be? It has been so hard for me to forget the past. I have tried to let go but I just couldn't :(

Stringing along does not have to be physical. It can also be used to feed the ego.

You need to cut off contact. Stop waiting around looking desperate. It is not attractive. Tell him to contact you if he wants a full reconciliation, if not it is too painful to be in touch. Your actions will cause him to lose respect, as you seem too needy. be the confident girl he once knew.

Miss Canuck, I agree with you that it is probably not a good time to talk about our relationship especially when he's abroad now. As opposed to what you believe, he has been texting me regularly. Even when I'm busy and don't have the chance to reply him, he would continue texting me and update me on what he's doing on his exchange.

 

Do you think it is still possible to keep in touch as "friends" and work from there? There has been great progress and I don't wish to just give up like that :(

 

I do acknowledge that I have to focus on myself now and put all this "relationship situation" on hold. However, how do I stop myself from thinking about how happy we used to be? It has been so hard for me to forget the past. I have tried to let go but I just couldn't :(

You are placing yourself in the friend-zone. Stop it. You need to go nC

Agree with DanZee. Unfortunately he's very clear that he doesn't want to be with you. It would be best to focus on your own life and stop pestering him. He has moved on figuratively and literally. He most likely is dating compatible women locally and wants you out of the way and to move on also, as he suggested to you.

Don't be the "psycho stalking ex" who won't let go. There's nothing less attractive than someone begging and grovelling after the breakup is final.

The reason why he broke up with me was that he felt that we were no longer growing as a couple, we were incompatible and he couldn't see a future for us anymore.He even told me that I should go ahead and do my own things and not care about him.

Miss Canuck, I agree with you that it is probably not a good time to talk about our relationship especially when he's abroad now. As opposed to what you believe, he has been texting me regularly. Even when I'm busy and don't have the chance to reply him, he would continue texting me and update me on what he's doing on his exchange.

 

Do you think it is still possible to keep in touch as "friends" and work from there? There has been great progress and I don't wish to just give up like that :(

 

I do acknowledge that I have to focus on myself now and put all this "relationship situation" on hold. However, how do I stop myself from thinking about how happy we used to be? It has been so hard for me to forget the past. I have tried to let go but I just couldn't :(

What I meant was that it might not remain as regular as he gets further into his new life there. Only time will tell if the communication remains constant. All I was advising was that you not get too upset if it drops off over the the coming weeks.

Being friends is going to be hard. You're a familiar voice while he's in a new place, but you're not his girlfriend. What if he does meet someone while he's there? Or what if you start seeing pictures of him with other girls that he doesn't clarify are only friends? As his friend, it wouldn't be your place to get angry about it. You need to consider the possibilities, as it's not out of the question that it will happen, as hard as it is to imagine now.

 

I'm 100% sure that he's not stringing me along in case anyone of you feel that that's what he's doing. He wouldn't even hold my hands/hug me/ do all the couple things because we aren't officially back together yet. I know him very well and throughout the past few months, he has been putting in effort as well.

NOTE: Before reading further, please take note that the following lines will hurt your feelings. I do not claim them to be true, but from my 28 years on this earth, this is what I have learned so far.

From the moment he told you he is "unsure" about your relationship, he has been in contact with another girl, this is the alpha and omega of each "it is not you it's me" situation.

There is another option, which is better in his eyes. The only reason he is postponing your relationship is because he is testing the grounds with the other one.

There is no such thing as "I love you, BUT". It simply is or is not. Once there is a BUT, nothing will be the same from then on.

This has been proven over and over throughout time. People are passively insidious, no matter what anyone tells you. It's the primal instinct for survival and evolution.

Every response you have gotten here has been proven to be right but you keep trying to justify your own actions to not fall back. I honestly have been both you and your boyfriend in a relationship and I can tell you that everything you are doing is pushing him further and further away while his ego grows and your self respect weakens. You need to take this time that he is away to grow and work on yourself (TRULY) so that when he gets back, you'll be a better you and he can actually see that you have changed. If you don't stop contacting him, it will get to a point where he loses all respect for you and even starts telling you things to your face like "I don't love you anymore, move on, stop calling etc. You have a chance to leave things in a positive way right now, please stop and self reflect.

When I broke up with my EX I didn't wanna hurt him so I would still pick up the phone when he called, I would text back without making him wait and if he asked to hung out I would go (I wouldn't sleep with him or kiss him or even hold hands), I would still have him on FB and Instagram too. I only did this cause I felt that even though I knew I didn't want a relationship at that time, I felt that us breaking up had hurt him a lot and that he needed time to come around to the idea of just being friends. However, the more he kept calling (Regular/normal calls not crazy stalking type or begging calls) and Texting (Regular) the more I started to feel like I should distance myself because I realized that he tended to take every thing I did or said as a sign or a clue or hope that I still "deep down" was still in love with him and that started to annoy me to the point that I started screening his calls. It got to a point where I would start rushing him off the phone by lying and saying things like "I gotta go to the gym or my mum is calling etc). Looking back, I was a coward because I didn't want to have to tell him AGAIN that I needed space and we were broken up so I'd say things like "I'm still confused, I need time to think" while I had met someone else and liked them.

The funny thing is, after my Ex stopped reaching out, I felt so relieved and I was happy it was over and done with and that I didn't have to tell him again that it was over. He honestly disappeared for six months and that's when I started to wonder about him and reach out to him. When we did start speaking again, I found out that he had actually done something with his time like gotten into shape (He had a six pack and his ass was so tight lol), he had moved into his own place (He had a roommate when we were dating), gotten a full time job, he was more confident etc. I was so impressed and my feelings of attraction towards him came back. He didn't let me come back right away because he said that I broke his heart and he felt that during the time he spent chasing me around, he had lost self respect for himself (I agree). I had to work for him and really show him that I wanted things to work and that I was ready to meet him half way. That's another thing, had he let me just come walking back into his life after not being sure and being confused, I'd have left him again because I'd have thought that he still worshipped me like a God (Don't judge me lol). He had taken time to work on himself and given me that space I needed to think and make the decision to come back MYSELF. The more he hang around the more I was getting fed up with him. It took me a while but here I am making time for him and calling without him even asking me.

Sorry for the long response, I just don't want you to keep doing what your are doing you are acting outoffear and the need for control. He is trying to be nice but that's it. People know what they want to do but they try to do it without hurting the other person AT FIRST but if the other person doesn't get the hint, They will be forced to do it anyway without considering the other person's feelings. Let him go, he will come back on his own

I would tell him that he's free to contact me if he ever wants to have a new committed relationship with me, and if I'm still available then, we can me to catch up. That's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another--to preserve any future potential. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

Taking yourself out of the equation of pushing to influence him and flying off of his radar is the only real shot you've got or neither of you will be able to trust that any return you strongarm him into is purely voluntary. That would just be a messy eggshell walk while resentment brews. Skip that, grab your best dignity, and move yourself forward. If he ever wants to catch up with you, he'll have no trouble meeting you on higher ground.

Head high.