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Difficult Family Making Life Unbearable


Astrogirl

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Some of you may have read my previous post about my family's - particularly my daughter's - attitude towards my husband and making him feel uncomfortable during his stay here.

 

Last night when we cam my daughter was standing in her bedroom window watching us walk down the path. She then started throwing a tantrum saying she had witnessed my husband lean on her car. She then proceeded to text him telling him to not touch her car. It left him feeling extremely hurt as he doesn't recall doing so.

My husband had a bath and washed his hair this morning. Fair enough, he didn't clean the bath after himself but what my mother has done is disgusting. Where strands of his hair have fallen out and rested on the bathroom tiles, my mother has actually drawn in ink arrows pointing to each and every one. When I calmly pointed out why she had done such a strange thing in addition to defacing the tiles I have paid for she started shouting saying I am always sticking up for him.

 

Then my daughter starts shouting and they both are unreasonable to have a decent conversation. They just keep pointing out how they don't want him hear. I really hope my husband hasn't heard any of this. It is disgusting. I am at the end of my tether. Are they acting unreasonable?

 

Any advice?

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How they've acted does sound very unreasonable! Surely there's an explanation for why they're acting so drastically? Not being able to have a decent discussion is going to make it very had to resolve anything unless you make a big statement to get their attention, just as they've done.

Maybe they feel threatened by the close relationship you share with your husband?

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Yes, I think that. They are so rude to him and haven't spoken a word to him since he has been here. They even told my eldest daughter how horrible he is but when she visited she told me she finds him quite pleasant and told them they weren't giving him a fair chance. I really do think they are bullying my husband.

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It sounds like you've tried resolving this and they're not realising the effect they're having or they don't care. If talking to them isn't working then it might be time your daughter moves out, somethings got to give before it escalates. It's unfair on your husband to feel uncomfortable in his own home, and this could end up driving a wedge between the two of you if it goes even further. If talking to them isn't working then it might be time your daughter moves out, even if its only a temporary option.

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I've threatened her with that, but my mother sticks up for her and says she will go to AND take my youngest daughter with them. They have no parental rights over her but keep brainwashing her to want to be with them. I am quite stuck in my situation at the moment but am trying to do everything I can to improve my situation financially, by working hard in my recently promoted role and studying to hopefully enjoy an even better career once qualified. Currently my financial situation isn't great and I also have a mortgage on the house. I do keep saying in the future I will sell the house but they keep saying that's all my husband wants is the money from the house. She has even, in the last five minutes, popped her head around the living room door telling my husband to clean the bath out as she wants a bath. It wasn't in a pleasant manner either.

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Holly, I can't move out! It is my house and I own it!

 

My daughter just stood at the living room door shouting nasty things to both myself and my husband. So I quietly stood up and closed the door on her. She reopened the door and I went to close it again. She became aggressive and said don't you dare close that door on me and as I walked past her she pushed me. I went to inform my mother about the type of attitude she is backing up and demonstrated how aggressive my daughter is being. But my mother just backed her up and said, don't you push me me, even though I clearly told her that's what my daughter had just done to me. I feel I can't win.

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I agree they need to move out. If your daughter is older than 18 she’s there only out of your kindness . And your mom well, she doesn’t need to be there at all . If they both can’t respect you in your own home maybe they need to move out , depending on your daughter’a age of course . Is her car something she bought herself ? If not she would be losing it until she learns how to close her mouth .

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I am working towards making that decision. At the moment it is difficult as I work and rely on my daughter to take and fetch my youngest from school, plus they help in other ways. I do wish I was more financially stable to sell up and move somewhere else. As I have mentioned, I really am working towards bettering myself for a more financially stable future. Although I love my daughter I really feel as though I don't want to speak to her again.

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All I want is peace. I never raise my voice or make life unbearable. However, as soon as I have guests in the house my family are so rude. They invite people and I am asking if they want something to drink or eat. I feel like they are extremely jealous of me having company. It's like they want me to be lonely for the rest of my life.

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When I mention I am going to eventually sell up as I find living like this unbearable they bring up the fact I only want to sell up to give my husband the money from the sale of the house and what type of person would kick their own family out for the sake of a man. They even tell other people this so it looks like I have chosen my husband over them.

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No I am not allowing it at all Holly. I keep telling them their behaviour is unreasonable and I am the victim here. I have done everything to make peace for everyone but they are just proving to be difficult. They just don't like my husband full stop. And it is very difficult to just wave a magic wand and change everything. As I have mentioned, I am doing more than enough to improve things financially so I can sell up and move away. Unfortunately it will not happen overnight. But I am not just sitting here allowing it to happen without saying or doing anything about it. I do rely on my daughter to take and fetch my youngest from school so I can go to work without worrying about childcare or her safety.

 

I would like constructive advice on how to be more assertive without being aggressive. I love my family and just want peace without us all falling out and not speaking for a very long time.

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Did your husband ever get a job? It seems that many are living off of you.

 

"Have you forgotten how he treated me?' Their answer was, well he looked after you in other ways. How? Definitely not emotionally. So this is the type of man whom they want for me? A liar and a cheat and possibly gave me sleeping pills to keep me drowsy? Failed to call an ambulance in an emergency? Stated to his friend he was glad our baby did not survive beyond the womb? The list is endless." These are the people you allow to stay in your house????? No boundaries!!! They do not respect you. At all!

 

Your daughter is 15 years old. I cannot understand why she cannot make it home on her own?????

 

OP, You must be getting something out of this. There is no reason for your mother or daughter to be there.

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Hey Astrogirl, I posted on some of you other threads where you were dealing with the exact same issues. It's not going to change until you make some boundaries and stick to them. Be clear with your mother and daughter that they need to be respectful of your husband or they will get thrown out. Period. It doesn't matter if they say mean things about you, it doesn't matter if they frame it as you being a jerk to them, it doesn't matter if they blame you or your husband. You need to be clear about how they act in your home. And you need to follow through on kicking them out if they don't.

 

Sit down and write out how you need them to treat you and your husband. Then find a lock smith who can re-key your house quickly. Keep them on speed dial. Be clear. Don't be angry. Don't let them turn it around on you.

 

They aren't going to magically start treating you well. You have to stand up for yourself and your choices. It sounds like you are going to have to kick them out. I would start investigating how to get that done. Start looking into how you are going to get child care. Can your husband take your daughter school? He isn't working so he's around to be at home when she is out of school. You need to start taking some responsibility for this crappy place you are in and start working on what you are going to do to fix it.

 

Personally? I would put getting your mother and daughter out of your home to be the biggest priority.

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Hey Astrogirl, I posted on some of you other threads where you were dealing with the exact same issues. It's not going to change until you make some boundaries and stick to them. Be clear with your mother and daughter that they need to be respectful of your husband or they will get thrown out. Period. It doesn't matter if they say mean things about you, it doesn't matter if they frame it as you being a jerk to them, it doesn't matter if they blame you or your husband. You need to be clear about how they act in your home. And you need to follow through on kicking them out if they don't.

 

Sit down and write out how you need them to treat you and your husband. Then find a lock smith who can re-key your house quickly. Keep them on speed dial. Be clear. Don't be angry. Don't let them turn it around on you.

 

They aren't going to magically start treating you well. You have to stand up for yourself and your choices. It sounds like you are going to have to kick them out. I would start investigating how to get that done. Start looking into how you are going to get child care. Can your husband take your daughter school? He isn't working so he's around to be at home when she is out of school. You need to start taking some responsibility for this crappy place you are in and start working on what you are going to do to fix it.

 

Personally? I would put getting your mother and daughter out of your home to be the biggest priority.

 

She doesn't need childcare. The girl is 15.

 

Can't your daughter take public transport? Does your older daughter work or go to college?

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