Am I justified in being upset?

Backstory: My ex wasn't the greatest - in fact she wound up being downright nuts. But even early on in the relationship (and every serious relationship I had before that), my brother would NEVER make any effort to talk to my girlfriends. Yet When he feels his wife isn't appreciated enough by my family, I tell him I know the feeling and nobody ever embraced my girlfriends. His answer? "Well I'm married to her, you weren't married". As if the girls I dated didn't mean enough because we weren't married. I'm sure Hugh Hefner's wives married him out of love /sarcasm

Fast forward to him and his girlfriend, who wound up being his wife. EVERYTHING is about him and her, mostly her. If at a family gathering I don't talk enough to her, she gets offended and he texts me about it or talks to our parents who tell me about it. I talk to her, but clearly not enough. He constantly sends me pictures of him and her and her parents and I bite my tongue and say "that's nice". Well at Thanksgiving her mom asked if I would photograph my sister-in-law's aunt's birthday party. I grit my teeth and said "sure".

So tonight I went to the restaurant where the event was held. My brother and his wife had me seated away from my family, on the other side of the room with three other married couples my brother's age. I wasn't the third wheel, I was the seventh. I couldn't have felt more out of place. It felt like he was trying to rub it in - like "you're single - look at these other couples" - pushing me to celebrate her aunt's birthday and like it.

I handled it well and did my job because the event was about her aunt, but I'm home now and am seething with anger. My brother can't make time to see MY family and always says "we don't have time" when I try to get him to do so, but they ALWAYS have time for HER friends and family. My brother and his wife did a live musical tribute to her aunt, yet have still to take my parents to dinner for their birthday which was over a month ago, which they promised at Christmas. He compares our parents to his in laws constantly, which I feel is offensive. Our parents aren't the greatest, but they do their best and have been VERY understanding of him. I'm proud of them.

But seating me with his wife's friends/married couples? I took that as a complete insult. I wanted to sit with my family. I tried to join my table in conversation but I couldn't relate to them and I felt like they acted like I was different. I don't know football. I don't know craft beer. But I tried and as Soon as I joined in the conversation it was like the table went silent, so I'd get up and photograph other couples some more. Not to mention the event was next door to where I believe my ex cheated on me (which was out of my control but it felt like salt in a wound)

Am I wrong for feeling angry?

Before advisement on your anger, why exactly would your brother seventh wheel you? What are we all missing?

I honestly have no idea. I feel like I'm missing something myself.

My parents were seated in one spot, together, my aunts in another (together) and me alone with three married couples.

Do you have desire to pursue truth?

Do you have desire to pursue truth?

I'm venting if anything but it doesn't feel right. My brother just texted saying he hopes I enjoyed myself and I feel like telling him exactly what I feel.

I think you're somewhat wrong for feeling angry. Your brother is correct when he says that a wife should be treated with a bit more respect than a girlfriend because the wife has married into the family. A girlfriend is just a guest. But I am guessing that your brother has a lot of sibling rivalry going on inside him. And by now, you should expect his childish behavior. He's trying to get the better of you and he seems to know how to push your buttons. Stop getting insulted about everything. You seem to expect an awful lot out of these family get-togethers. How about just paying your respects and leaving? Say hi to mom and dad, have dinner and leave. You can see mom and dad on your own without your brother around. If he he starts comparing his in-laws to your parents, tell him, "that's nice" and go get a drink or talk to someone else. Be your own man. Stop looking for respect you think you're owed. If you throw your own parties, then you can sit your bother wherever you like. Stop taking things so seriously. Step back and be the mature one in your relationship.

It's not your job to be her babysitter. In fact, you have complete control over ignoring her at the next 3 (or otherwise amount of) family gatherings. They can chatter away all they want, just change the subject "oh sorry wasn't intentional... So how is your work etc."

I think you're somewhat wrong for feeling angry. Your brother is correct when he says that a wife should be treated with a bit more respect than a girlfriend because the wife has married into the family. A girlfriend is just a guest. But I am guessing that your brother has a lot of sibling rivalry going on inside him. And by now, you should expect his childish behavior. He's trying to get the better of you and he seems to know how to push your buttons. Stop getting insulted about everything. You seem to expect an awful lot out of these family get-togethers. How about just paying your respects and leaving? Say hi to mom and dad, have dinner and leave. You can see mom and dad on your own without your brother around. If he he starts comparing his in-laws to your parents, tell him, "that's nice" and go get a drink or talk to someone else. Be your own man. Stop looking for respect you think you're owed. If you throw your own parties, then you can sit your bother wherever you like. Stop taking things so seriously. Step back and be the mature one in your relationship.

I think I handled it quite maturely. Paying my respects and leaving wasn't possible because I agreed to photograph an event - not even my own family's, but my brother's wife's oh so perfect family (according to the way my brother talks them up and talks down our own). But I did it for my brother and bit my tongue and simply wanted to let it all out here afterwards.

Did you guys have a lot of sibling rivalry?

Did you guys have a lot of sibling rivalry?

I would say no - I never felt I had to compete with him or vice versa. But sometimes I feel like he feels that way. When I would be dating someone and text my brother about about stuff, soon as I mentioned something related to me and a gf, he'd stop responding. But he will go on and on about all the awesome things he and his wife and her family do and if I don't respond or respond with "that's cool" and don't take an interest he gets upset.

It is strange because it sounds like he is now. That or he is nursing some kind of grudge against your parents.

It is strange because it sounds like he is now. That or he is nursing some kind of grudge against your parents.

He definitely has a grudge against them, especially our dad - who I admit is very difficult but we are all still family. But once my brother married, it became some sort of competition. For example, Our parents don't travel, they're creatures of habit. They have date night once a week at McDonald's because that's what they like. HER parents travel all the time, go to fancy restaurants etc...and my brother always complains about why our parents can't be like hers. If there's a rivalry, it feels like it's our family against hers.

They never have time for us but have all the time in the world for her family and friends. I try to make plans with my brother but they are always too busy.

He definitely has a grudge against them, especially our dad - who I admit is very difficult but we are all still family. But once my brother married, it became some sort of competition. For example, Our parents don't travel, they're creatures of habit. They have date night once a week at McDonald's because that's what they like. HER parents travel all the time, go to fancy restaurants etc...and my brother always complains about why our parents can't be like hers. If there's a rivalry, it feels like it's our family against hers.

 

They never have time for us but have all the time in the world for her family and friends. I try to make plans with my brother but they are always too busy.

I think this becomes very common with men. Their wives’ family becomes very important . I have seen that with almost every single married man I know . And it seems like your brother has some issue with how he was raised . This is not about you at all it’s about the dynamic between him and his own parents in that relationship . Just don’t get drawn into his feelings about that . Try and remember your brother has an independent relationship with your parents apart from what you do . He may have far different emotions about that relationship than you do.

I think this becomes very common with men. Their wives’ family becomes very important . I have seen that with almost every single married man I know . And it seems like your brother has some issue with how he was raised . This is not about you at all it’s about the dynamic between him and his own parents in that relationship . Just don’t get drawn into his feelings about that . Try and remember your brother has an independent relationship with your parents apart from what you do . He may have far different emotions about that relationship than you do.

You should be a psych :) Thank you.

And I'm all for a man's wife's family being important - it should be. But her extended family is supposed to be important to our folks or me? It seems weird.

I go to our family reunions and can't keep half of my extended familys' names straight but somehow I'm supposed to know my sister in law's great uncle?

Seating me at a table full of married people and away from my own family still stings but I guess I should be proud of my brother for being so invested in his wife's family. I just wish he didn't expect our family to live up to their standards.

I wouldnt say you have to know who all her extended relatives are just humour them by going oh yeah uncle so-and-so and do the internal eye roll ,you know . But I don't think this is about getting your goat as much as it is about his own internal struggles .

I know personally to my husband my family has very important . And I know his family has felt a little chuffed about that . We don't ignore them we see them just as much as we see my family . ( we live about three hours away from our families ) but they feel chuffed about it nonetheless .

Just let it roll off your back because it's not really about you .

My sister is the same... acts like my partners are inferior because im not married. I used to play nice at all their functions until I got to a certain age where I thought stuff it, I'm going to start calling her out on all the awful things she does to me and all the awkward passive aggressive behaviours she used to throw at me in front of other people. It didnt go very well and I saw a lot less of them but my life was peaceful! She will not change, but she shows me a lot more respect these days. Your brother sounds like he has an ego problem to me lol. I would have taken photos all night and made sure to chop the top of her head off in every shot and taken them from unflattering angles heheheee

Well if someone decides they want to marry someone then they are bringing them into their family. That level of commitment obviously exceeds that of people who don't want to get married yet.

So a wife is part of the family, whereas a girlfriend is a guest.

But treating a guest worse than a family member is very poor hosting.

I didn't get overly invested in my wife's family, and she didn't get overly invested in mine.

When we got married we made a stance that we were starting our own family and were not attaching ourselves to either side.

But I would just be honest and talk with your brother about this one on one and hear his side.

It sounds like maybe you are both perceiving things that are not there and it is causing you both to get worked up.

Or there is something there that needs to be addressed.

Either way I would just calm down and get your thoughts straight then talk to him.