Please help. I am so upset but don't want him to leave me.

Hello good people. I am so sorry for this is quite long.

In connection to my previous post here. Me and the guy who I met through a friend in October last year have carried on dating. I know that I have been advised by some peeps here to break it off/cut whatever we have early, because he isn't sound like the right guy for me especially that I had a 2 year break from anyone and spent all that time for myself to find out my flaws however, I really like this guy and I think I was falling in love with him so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tested myself wanted to see what happen if I change myself from the way I used to handle things, wanted to apply in this relationship what I've learned during my break, I thought I should take things easily this time and don't pay too much attention/ stress over little things, don't analyze too much, don't overthink and most of all just keep things cool and relax and I have been doing that, the amount of times that i just put a big smile on my face and the amount of times I've been writing frustrated messages but sent it to myself just to not to ruin what we have and just to keep my promises to "make this relationship work by being relax and just go with the flow" BUT it seems that it's not right that I have been unhappy inside and pretending everything is okay just so I won't put pressure on the guy. Cut long story short, it hasn't been so great between us two in the past 3mos. We have very few argument though, I said few mainly because I ignored most of it.

Anyway, I can't remember much about the little misunderstandings that I ignored/let go in the past but most of it because of my frustrations and him being stubborn. I don't know the word for it but he is the type of person that would require an in depth technical explanation (much better if I include science)in every informations/facts/silly superstitions/ advise on health/nutrition. ANYTHING! and won't take a simple short answer and boy he won't get satisfied easily with any answers either and when I run out of explanations or when I don't know something I get frustrated because I feel like I am an idiot in front of him, I feel like he was taking the piss and he won't acknowledge it and would think that I don't give interest in his opinions/information when I was just confuse.

Our first ever big argument that happened just a few days ago. Let me try to make this as short as I can.

The last 2 weeks hasn't been great. Mainly because, I've been ill for a week , got hit by the famous stomach flu going around and he's been away for work for a week. It started with the less communication.

1st week he was gone: He barely message me and I got ill on the same week too and hardly eaten as food just won't stay down. Although I was ill, I regularly ask his day and update about my situation as he said to let him know. He Barely replies. He's away for work I understand but even after work? Evening maybe? Just a quick call? (He never calls btw since we got together and I find it weird)

End of the week, when he was back in London where we supposed to have our Weeknd together, he also got ill so I told him we'll skip that weekend cos we're both ill, he wanted me to come over as we haven't seen each other for a week but i refused cos of our condition. I told him, I will have a long weekend the following week as I'm off work we can spend time together. He was showing excitement. And I thought that was it! we'll see each other that weekend and was looking forward for it, turns out, he wasn't very keen as I was. He's arranged To go out with his friends and told me that we don't have to spend my long weekend together and I was surprised. We ended have a massive argument that we were considering of breaking up. Him giving less attention and other small misunderstandings in the past has been brought up. He said, Instead of falling for me, his feelings have become less. We talked about our situation and agreed we're going to give ourselves another chance and do this properly.

When we had our talk, he's aware that main thing why we are both not happy because of the less communication which made me think I don't matter to him and that he devalues me.

An example of his less communications:

Like gf/bf status- he never talk to me about it just found on the same day we arguedthat he's been calling me as his gf yet when we talked about it before because I brought that up, he wasn't clear to me and was even saying that it was too early to label? And he said the other day that we talked about it?

He said that- he began to disengage his feelings to protect himself because of how many times I had a go at him when he told me he liked me. Which is a lie as I would never have a go at him because from the early stage of relationship I was being honest of my feelings that I like him and I am on the other hand was aware that I am just his rebound because he clearly mentioned at the early stage of relationship that he hasn't moved on from his ex.

He barely message me during the day like one or two messages, but I can see on his WhatsApp that his constant online? (This really winds me up) and this is one of the reasons of our bug arguments.

So going back to our "talk" he's aware of my frustrations and said we'll do this properly but yet told me that he doesn't want me to change by keeping everything. But so far, a week after that talk there has been no changes, in fact it made it worst. Last night he was out with his mates and I did not message him for 3hrs as I didn't want to disturb him. During that 3 hrs he messaged me to which I noticed an hr later. I replied to his messages with few short questions about his night. After responding my 4 very short questions. He responded, sorry but I'm out can't keep texting. I got annoyed because it's not like I was writing and essay or been messaging to an hr it wasn't even 4min and he was just at the pub. He said he'll respond when his in the loo and I left it by saying crikey. The next morning, his asked me why I said crikey and if there is anything wrong with that I said, nothing wrong and I explained why I said crikey. This was my explanation.

"I said Crikey! Cos I was just surprised how busy you were. I mean, I did not message you for 3 hrs tbf and only responded to your messages and replied with few questions. Short questions as well lol so it wasn't very nice to tell me off but sorry if it bothers you" I was referring with his "sorry but I am out, can't keep texting" message last night. His respond was He wasn't telling me off and that I was making a big deal out of it cos he was only asking why I said crikey and that I have an amazing ability to turn things around in my mind. Tell me good people, am I the one here who's messing all this up? Today, I have been really upset because he only message me twice. I am aware he's out with his mate but how comes he's not involving me his day anymore like before? We were going to meet our friends later in the evening and he said, he will be 30min late but not telling me why? I feel like his purposely doing this to show his lost his interest? What should I do? Should I step back?

He just doesn't sound very interested in a serious relationship, OP.

I am not referring to the number of texts or the time elapsed between messages either. You are looking for a different type of relationship than he is.

This is not a match. When two people are a good fit, there generally isn't this much tension and conflict.

I agree with Miss Canuck..you have different views on this relationship.

He doesn't sound as serious or as interested as you do. You are annoyed and hurt over his lack of efforts and feelings, he feels pressured and keeps backing away.

Basically, you can't force someone to care more. I would move on OP. You can stay and try to force him to care or be more attentive but all it will do is cause more fights.

He is not as interested. His actions are clear.

Move on.

I hate to agree with the rest of the ladies, but its apparent he is not in to you as you are in to him. I would tell you to cut your loss, but it appears he isn't a loss.

Wow, that’s quite a story!!!

Thank you all for your reply and appreciate your advice. You guys are quite right that he may not into me as I am into him. It's quite hard to cut the relationship off. I dunno. Maybe i will have the courage at some point soon. At the moment, he seems to try and making an effort but maybe because he sees that I stepped back a little bit. Tried not to get stress too much. I text when he does and come around when he wants me to come and I stopped suggesting things to do.

For now, I think things have calmed down a little bit

I don't think he's really that keen, but he'll hang around anyways for now.

Lack of communication on his part is a sure fire sign he's really not that interested. He wasn't interested when you were sick, and he's not interested anytime really.

Find someone else.

I agree the quicker you rip this band aid off the less painful it will be to let him go.

When someone comes towards you only because you have stepped back, it's not the right person for you.

The right guy will maintain balance with you, and you won't feel the need to pull back to gain his attention. He would want to be in touch and involved. This guy just doesn't.

When someone comes towards you only because you have stepped back, it's not the right person for you.

 

The right guy will maintain balance with you, and you won't feel the need to pull back to gain his attention. He would want to be in touch and involved. This guy just doesn't.

I agree. Although, sometimes I questioned myself. It might be me? I might be an attention seeker? But I feel like I am not? Maybe I seek attention because I am being neglected? Or maybe I am expecting him to be someone he's not? Am I an attention seeker?

This our daily scenario lately, this is not like how we started btw. And I'm getting used to this now but I don't think this is healthy.

Everyday, we greet morning and says our goodnight although it's Mostly me who does that, he does it sometimes.

no text until lunchtime - I assumed because of work but I am working too myself? Again, message by me first, sometimes he does it.

Evening, no text again. Unless I message first asking what he was up to, how was his day etc. he would do limited respond. Again, he also does text me first sometimes JUST sometimes.

When he's out, I only know he's out when there is no message for the whole evening at all until I say my goodnight, most of the time, my messages are being ignored when he's out;

During the week, when he doesn't have plans with his friends which is very rare btw, he would ask me to come over. When he's busy, he wouldn't make any plans with me , and I only got the memo lately that I have to tell him if I wanted to stay over than assuming I'm staying on a Friday or Saturday night like I used to. I only have Sunday off as I work in shifts but always arrange his Sunday to meet his friends? When he's busy during the weekend he would ask me to come on weekdays after work which is obviously just evening as we both go to work in the morning? Bottom line, I never get to spend the whole day with him?

I miss the old him.

In the beginning , round 1-2 mos of being together, he would always text. Sending jokes, pictures/ vids of anything he finds funny, food, cool interesting topic he sees online, news etc. he would involved me with his daily life. Morning, lunch and evening. He would always say when he popped out to have pint with mates, would always invite me when he's seeing his mates and I would do the same.

3-4mos things have changed (daily scenario I mentioned above) he's gone less talkative, less time for me, It may be because of work as I am aware he's been busy with work, but then, he goes out and stay late with mates? Often he's drunk. (We don't live together but he won't message me till 4pm next day when he woke up) I have been upset for his lack of time for me and his lack of attention I.e not messaging me/ replying my messages for 3-4 hrs later most of the time not and this really winds me up cos he appears online on WhatsApp constantly. He would go meet his friends without me which is fine as I don't need to be with him all the time but what I find weird is he stop telling me where he is going, who is he meeting? He would say "I am meeting a friend" but I met all his friends? I know their names? Why did he stop telling me? I can understand if I was being a nagger or if I caused any trouble but I haven't? In fact I always tell him to have fun! His met my friends too and when I go out see them I would tell him which friend I am meeting? And if I am in the club or in a pub. He wouldn't text me at all when he's out with his friends unlike before, but when he's out with me... always caught him texting? And when I jokingly peek he would hide his phone? Is this a red flag?

I'm always upset and stress because

The lack of his attention and effort to spend time with me relates to this back story.

When we were just started dating, he blatantly mentioned that I fell in love quickly for him and he "doesn't" feel the Same, that he likes me but he doesn't think he loves me and that we aren't in the same phase. To which i understand because feelings is not something we can control, I didn't choose to love him or fell in love for him, I just felt it. And he isn't feeling the same way which is fine, it will come at some point i thought and if not then I can't do anything. (It was painful hearing that btw but I was being mature about it)

He also told me at the start of our dating that he was still quite sad about his break up with his ex (they broke up 4mos before we met) so I have this understanding in my head that I was just a rebound, he said no I am not but again, for me I thought it was FINE!! Because, we were new at that time, we were only dating for 2 weeks?! I thought I shouldn't be melodramatic about it and I played cool with it,

On our first meeting through common friend, I knew straight away that he was interested in me. He was chatting me up but then I found out a month later (when we started dating) that he was actually dating someone for 6 weeks at that time? I thought that was out of order to chat up with me whilst he Was dating someone?

All of these played in my head. I feel like , reason for his lack of attention and efforts to be with me because he's not really into me and that I was just r ally a rebound. He kept complementing me about my looks and so I thought maybe what he was feeling was just lusts? it was just all physical, but then he's done things that implies he may be serious about me I.e introduced me to his parents and brother? Spent Xmas with them?

I have trust issues with his communication especially lately, because before when I'm around, I can see his phone lying around everywhere barely touch it, would let me use it to order food. Now, he's taking it with him even going for shower? Phone is now always upside down? When borrowing phone, he won't let me hold it for even a minute? I caught him messaging someone late evening? I dunno whether it was a man/woman. He's never like that before? Is he cheating on me? But he's been nice with me lately? And I am his wallpaper? It's sweet but if he's cheating, he should be hiding me?

Am I being stupid here? Or am I too nice that he can just treat me like I am nothing? Or maybe I am unreasonable?

When we were just started dating, he blatantly mentioned that I fell in love quickly for him and he "doesn't" feel the Same, that he likes me but he doesn't think he loves me and that we aren't in the same phase.

He also told me at the start of our dating that he was still quite sad about his break up with his ex (they broke up 4mos before we met)

He was chatting me up but then I found out a month later (when we started dating) that he was actually dating someone for 6 weeks at that time? I thought that was out of order to chat up with me whilst he Was dating someone?

This guy is not with you for the right reasons, OP. There have been red flags from the beginning and now he can barely keep up the appearance of a relationship.

Or maybe I am unreasonable?

No, you're not. He has lost interest.

I am sorry but I can't see why you would continue on like this. It's easy for him, because he goes about his life however he chooses with apparently little desire to stay connected to you, but he knows you're there waiting when he wants. You, on the other hand, are understandably hurt and disappointed with this change because you actually want a real relationship with him.

I would end it. He isn't looking for the same things you are. You will find it infinitely more satisfying to be with a man who actually cares to see you and be in your life.

I've read all the responses on this thread and everyone of them see this the same way I do. It's difficult to let go when you still care but it seems as though he let go before you knew what was happening. Think about this.... Let's say he were to call you tonight and want to hang out... Maybe with his friends ( which I don't see ) maybe alone... With what he's displayed, do you think it would be sincere? I wouldn't want to see you being played at any price. Things have a way of working themselves out. keep your eyes wide open and you'll see his true colors.

Hi airlee, I’ve read all these posts and two things stood for me.

1. You said you’re not sure if you can leave him, and

2. You're frustrated, you're unhappy and you have trust issues with his communication, which by the way as well you should as his actions are quite questionable, and that’s putting it mildly!

Here’s what happens when you don’t end a toxic RL such as this, with a guy who clearly isn’t treating you right, who prefers his friends over you, hides his phone and basically whom you are unable to trust.

Your frustrations will continue to increase. Your unhappiness will continue to increase. Your trust issues will continue to increase. And eventually when he gets tired of the fights and hearing about your unhappiness and all your frustrations, HE will be the one to end it and all you will be left with are a bunch of trust issues which you will take with you into your next RL.

I don’t have trust issues. Why? Because I don’t hang around when men don’t treat me right. I don’t hang around when a man I’m dating disappears, doesn’t stay in contact, prefers to be with his friends.

I just won’t stay with a man whom I cannot trust! Period, end of. I just end it.

As such, the frustrations don’t build, the resentment doesn’t build, the unhappiness doesn't build, the anger doesn’t build and TRUST issues don’t build.

I am not sure why you are unable to leave. This man doesn’t love you! Don’t you want to be with a man who loves you, who wants to spend time with you over his precious friends, who will respond back in a timely manner and not leave you guessing, who doesn’t take his phone with him into the shower, good grief, what more do you need?

Seriously girl, you need to end this, it is NOT going to get better. He is not going to wake up one morning and miraculously realize that you are the girl of his dreams. Not gonna happen!

Honestly I don’t know what more evidence you need that this is just not the right man or right RL for you. And if you choose to stick around, as I said your trust issues will build which will negatively impact your next RL, and your self-esteem will suffer which will also impact your next RL and all your future relationships.

I am so sorry, but I hate to see you wasting your time and energy like this. He is so not worth it hun, seriously.

Anyway, that's all. Take care and best of luck whatever you decide.

I think you want more and that's your right! Just remember that you can't push anyone to give you more or demand it. It just ends up being naggy which pushes men away even more. So, what I would do is distance yourself to get the control back. Go do the things you love and focus on you. It will lower the anxiety you are feeling with the uncertainty. It seems like he isn't interested. But men act this way when they are processing information. Support him by laying off. Trust me on this

I think you want more and that's your right! Just remember that you can't push anyone to give you more or demand it. It just ends up being naggy which pushes men away even more. So, what I would do is distance yourself to get the control back. Go do the things you love and focus on you. It will lower the anxiety you are feeling with the uncertainty. It seems like he isn't interested. But men act this way when they are processing information. Support him by laying off. Trust me on this

Thank you @deedee911. Below is what I've mentioned in the earlier post. To which is yes, it's working however, it shouldn't be like this, he shouldn't just come because I stepped back and the previous advices from other members really made sense.

Thank you all for your reply and appreciate your advice. You guys are quite right that he may not into me as I am into him. It's quite hard to cut the relationship off. I dunno. Maybe i will have the courage at some point soon. At the moment, he seems to try and making an effort but maybe because he sees that I stepped back a little bit. Tried not to get stress too much. I text when he does and come around when he wants me to come and I stopped suggesting things to do.

 

For now, I think things have calmed down a little bit

But yeah, it's true though?! that I shouldn't do anything to get his attention if I am important for him, he should be able to spend some of his time for me, he should be able to balance it.

So we broke up finally. A lot of things happened lately that I did not managed to post in here. But broke up just 2 nights ago and had the closure last night. I am heartbroken at the same time part of me is saying it's good cos he wasn't really treating me well.

Our arguments continued after my last post here and our relationship continued until 2 nights ago.

I got a new flat for myself, I have been living in a shared house close to my work for a while And I didn't mind as it was cheap and don't have travel expenses as I only walk. Main reason why I took the Plunge of getting my own place mainly for my him. So we can enjoy our time together. He can't stay at my small room and I can't comfortably stay at his as he is sharing flat with his brother. He can't move out cos of shared mortgage with his brother.

The move was stressful and was such a rush. I have to move in 5 days time after securing the place. On Tuesday, I asked for his help to help me packing as I wasn't well. He did not gave me a straight forward yes or no instead he sounded as if he was not willing to come in and help me. Sounds like he was making an excuses like his brother is cooking Him dinner and will wait for dinner first, when I asked him what time he could come after dinner? Said depends when his brother will start cooking, I asked if he can make it early, he said he'll try but not sure. It looks like an excuses for me. Any sensible person would get the message that he's doesn't want to come. I got frustrated and I said. Okay don't worry don't come. A. It'll be too late. b. I'm aiming to finish before 11 so we can rest, can't do it if he Arrives late c. I feel like I am begging to have his help.

He asked why I was being like that? So I told him my frustrations and he said I was unfair?? UNFAIR????

Like Which part of the situation I was being unfair? If anything I was being fair for thinking about the time.

And he said that he made me beg? Like I did not say "you made me beg" I said I "feel" like I was begging. He still came to help me and was awkward. We Barely talk.

Like can't he not come straight away and not wait for His brothers food? and tell his brother to save him some food as he needs to leave to help me? And I can feed him or we can grab something.

Or

Could have said, sure, I'll come after dinner and will try to be as early as I can. At least that sounds enthusiastic.

I said to watch his words and be careful with his words when he said "unfair" and what I meant by that is that it's unnecessary to say such unpleasant words and when unpleasant words is said it can create an disagreement/argument but to his mind is negative. Like I was threatening him.

Threatening with what? That i am warning him otherwise I'll break up with him? Omg he sounded arrogant on this. It's like

"Don't threatened me cos I'm not scared if you're going to break up with me"

Plus as if I can really Threaten him? He knows that I love him dearly obviously if I will do such things, he's gonna break up with me and I will be very very sad. My point here is- I can't do anything that upsets him especially threatening him cos he won't think twice of leaving me. I feel like am not wanted obviously and he's not afraid to lose me.

We were going through my freezer sorting out food and throwing/keeping. There was frozen fruits and asked him if he wanted to bring them with him, he said "yeah I'll keep them"

So I put them on the Side. When he left I've realized he forgot the fruit, so I run towards him and said "you forgot the fruit" he said, I ain't taking them. I thought you'll take them I said, he said he wasn't planning of taking them and I said you "you said you're gonna bring them" "I never said that" "yes you did" and I was smiling, he said see you later and walk out . Like I was standing there like an idiot. - I was completely innocent about his accusation that I immediately turn it into an argument, I thought we were just talking?' Messaged him saying you just turned your back on me and he said "can't handle the stress of arguing" .that apparently I was turning it into an argument?! It was bull cos I was smiling. Was surprised to know he was thinking that- not sure if he's making this up or he may misunderstand the tone of my voice- like I talk really loud. I told him that I don't really like his attitude sometimes and he said he feel the same. This made me annoyed because what attitude I have? Am I the one who was being rude for walking out?

Said he's stressed out to the limit? Like he was the one who sounded uninterested in helping me and he was stressed?

We argued on text the whole night and both exhausted. I was very tired. And we both left it in him saying "we will always argue" and I said I can never be respected and I'm tired being disrespected. It sounded mutual but part of me was hoping it's still can be sorted out. I was expecting he wouldn't message me the next day or even come to help me. I prepared myself for that situation

I was surprised he messaged me "ready for action" I was very chatty and I thought it's one of those text arguments we had that we just let go, later did I know that he's already made up his mind. Although, I was also thinking of cutting it off but was thinking twice. In the evening he came to to help me and I was heartbroken when I saw him pick up his socks hanging in my radiator. I was very stress with the whole moving plus van was late plus him and hurt and was struggling to breath. He was laying on my bed and did not even comfort me. He was just laying down listening to me being stressed. A hug or anything to comfort me that evening wold have been really helpful.

Van was late and when told it'll be 30min late he purposely went out to get the money and to kill the time outside than being in the same room with me.

Van came and again I was upset for he was telling me about north London and how can I enjoy the place with my my friends, he was obviously excluding himself. Like is he really that insensitive? I got the place cos we were both excited the idea that we'll have our own space.

He said we never really talk about us, like I saw him picking up his stuff what is there to talk about?? just to point who's done who? It'll be pointless.

He came last night to fix my boiler at the same time he brought all my stuff that I left at his. Was broken hearted.

Airlee, i am so sorry you are having to go through this pain! It really resonated with me when you said you wanted to see if all your self improvement and realization would translate to a healthy relationship. No. Not always. You can be healthy and have great relationship skills but if the other person isn't self aware or doesn't have good communication skills, it won't matter. But all is not lost because you did get yourself another lesson in relationships. You said you ignored things - that isn't healthy, yes, easy going is one thing but you have to address things or you will build resentment in your self. I am sorry that this didn't work out for you but know - you are one ex relationship closer to your "best" relationship! Who knows? The very next one could be the happily ever after - I'm over 50 and I believe there is still one for me! My prayers and good thoughts will be with you!

You can be healthy and have great relationship skills but if the other person isn't self aware or doesn't have good communication skills, it won't matter.

Sorry but that wasn't the problems here, as a man myself who thinks all of us should be gentlemen, this guy is a disgrace even to humankind he's a total douche !

After reading everything the most telling part was, him not giving a damn to text her while she was sick away from him, I even take news of my sick friends so not

doing this for a GF is saying I don't care at all... plain and simple.

Now Airlee it is great to have finally broken up with such terrible person, but you have to acknowledge something here about yourself, sorry if this comes of harsh,

you didn't draw your boundaries here and so he didn't even had to be careful not to cross them, there was nothing much for him to be wary about.

You seem like a very good woman, but even the most self worth and capable of woman will not do well, if she cannot acknowledge her limits and lay these down as

her boundaries.

Men that have boundaries themselves respect women that have too, a guy that will get defensive or try to turn this on you and still cross the line, aren't people that

will treat you right in a relationship, it's that simple really.