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I have been with my wife for over 10 years (7 of them married) and she has lied to me two times about seeing old boyfriends. This last time, she made up this huge lie on what she was doing after work and it ended up that she was having coffee with an old "friend with benefits." I caught her in the lie (had a gut feeling something wasn't right) and we seem to have worked it out. The fact that this sort of thing has happened two times makes me leery. The other time I found out that she was meeting an old boyfriend conveniently when I was out of town.

 

The last time, I was devastated because I pour everything into our marriage and am not the controlling type at all. She told me that she lied to me because everything was innocent and it was just coffee (found out it was 3 or 4 times in the span of 4 months) and she didn't want to hurt me or make me feel jealous. They would text a few times a month but she told me that she deleted all their texts (she thought I go through her phone, where as I had no reason to and completely trusted her). So she says that it is all innocent, yet she took the time to delete the texts (no proof of innocence) and lied to me about what she was doing on more than one occasion.

 

She told me that she loves me (deep down I believe that) and that she would tell me if he contacts her again. She promised me that she wouldn't initiate but if he contacted her, she wouldn't be rude and blow him off (they have known each other for 17 + years). So the other day, she gets a "hi how are you" text from him and she tells me. Well, those devastated feelings I had when I caught her all came rushing back. We have fought over this over the last couple of days. I told her that I am putting my trust in her (she was pretty devastated as well that she hurt me so badly) because I see and feel how she feels.... so it is an interesting situation. Plus she has way more free time than I do and I can't spend time and energy always wondering or worrying where she is and what she is doing.

 

She said that ultimately she doesn't want to give up her friendship with him (supposedly he is married with young kids) but it makes me uncomfortable. She says that she married me and that she loves me and doesn't want anyone else (I 99.9% believe that). But why does she want to continue with this friendship and why did she go through all this deception to keep it hidden? Her answer was as I said above, that she didn't want to hurt me and make me jealous (not the jealous type anyway).

 

So.... what are some of your perspectives? Should this make me feel uncomfortable? Would you allow it? I for one have never been the "do as I tell" type of person..... but the thought of her having coffee with an old "friend with benefits" that she kept very well hidden and covered up with lies, makes me uncomfortable.

 

Am I off my rocker?

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Well, we see this in a lot of stories posted her. Some people come right out and say they don't think their partner should have ANY friends of the opposite sex. In some cases they don't want their partner to have ANY OTHER FRIENDS PERIOD! And when you do want to meet an old friend, you have to do it secretly not to ignite any fears. And then when the other partner finds out about it, it gets escalated to fears that the partner is cheating on them.

 

Look, marriage is not an excuse to isolate your partner. If you want a healthy relationship you have to let your wife see an old friend every once in a while. And you have to have enough faith in her to trust her. The more jealous and crazy you act, the more reasons you give her to cheat on you! She did marry you and she doesn't want anybody else. If you calm down and stop being jealous, then she will tell you when she's heard from Frank or Hank and how they're doing rather than having to hide it from you because you're insanely jealous.

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Thanks for the reply DanZee.... I do have an issue with your "insanely jealous" comment however. I think you are way off the mark there on that one. If she would have been honest and forthright with her having coffee, I wouldn't have cared at all. She told me that she IS the jealous type and if the tables were turned, she would feel upset and betrayed so that is why she hid it from me. She projected her feelings onto me and that wasn't at all how it would have been.

 

And.... I have never ONCE said that she couldn't have any male friends as I really don't care. The fact that she lied and hid it was the issue. I told her that if she was honest and just asked, she would have been surprised at my answer. So your off the cuff answers and attitude here are quite insulting as you don't know the situation what so ever.

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I see a contradiction here: You say you aren't the jealous type and wouldn't have cared if she met with this guy for coffee--you are just upset that she lied about it. But from what you say it sounds as if you just don't want her to have any contact with this guy. Well it would be perfectly normal to feel some jealousy in this situation. In fact it would be a bit strange if you didn't. Humans (and other animals for that matter) evolved to feel jealousy and it's an often very rational emotion.

 

You can't tell her what to do, but you can set your own boundaries for what is and isn't acceptable to you. In your instance I would tell her: "You are an adult and can make your own choices, but I feel as if you've kind of lost your right to maintain contact with this man when you chose to lie to me about seeing him and talking to him. You now know where I stand on that; do with that information what you want. Also, I will forgive you for lying to me, but if it happens again in a similar way you will be putting our marriage in serious jeopardy."

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I see a contradiction here: You say you aren't the jealous type and wouldn't have cared if she met with this guy for coffee--you are just upset that she lied about it. But from what you say it sounds as if you just don't want her to have any contact with this guy. Well it would be perfectly normal to feel some jealousy in this situation. In fact it would be a bit strange if you didn't. Humans (and other animals for that matter) evolved to feel jealousy and it's an often very rational emotion.

 

You can't tell her what to do, but you can set your own boundaries for what is and isn't acceptable to you. In your instance I would tell her: "You are an adult and can make your own choices, but I feel as if you've kind of lost your right to maintain contact with this man when you chose to lie to me about seeing him and talking to him. You now know where I stand on that; do with that information what you want. Also, I will forgive you for lying to me, but if it happens again in a similar way you will be putting our marriage in serious jeopardy."

 

Hello Krankor,

 

Thanks for the information. Basically what you mentioned in your post is exactly what I have said to her. I forgave her because of how upset she was and how her attempt to spare my feelings backfired. She said that she would be honest and forthcoming and so far, she has done that (to my knowledge). When I was talking to her the other day, I said that if her old boyfriend came from out of town that she dated, I'd be fine with her catching up. She then asked my why I have concerns with this other person. My answer to her was that she took great measures to lie and hide it from me and this person is still a mystery. As for the other person that is from out of town, I have actually met him. To me, that's a huge difference. She didn't hide it from me at all. Personally I don't think it's appropriate that she sees him based on the circumstances and how much hurt and damage it caused to our relationship.... but like you said, she will do what she wants. the ironic thing is that she is the jealous type and has said on more than one occasion that she doesn't like the fact that I have some female friends. The thing is that I don't hide it and I know she goes through my phone and even hacked into my email (got a notification from Google that someone logged into my email) looking for things that weren't there.

 

As for lying to me about it, I said that this was number two of lying to me about seeing old boyfriends, and if it happens again, there will be serious consequences.

 

It's basically in her hands now.... I told her that I trust her and she knows how I feel. So it's wait and see time I suppose.

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Well I don't know about other people but there is a lot of big red flags here for me. I would not be comfortable with this either.

 

You don't seem like the jealous type so I am just going to assume that you are not being a crazy and controlling guy.

 

You being uncomfortable with your wife seeing someone she used to sleep with and lying to you about it seems like a pretty d@mn normal response to me.

 

On top of the fact that she snoops through your stuff, acts overly jealous, and covers her tracks very well by deleting everything, it makes me think that if you aren't suspicious something is going on you are in denial.

 

Also, she admits she has a double standard but still tells you she is going to continue to see him if he wants too, and also lets you know that she would be upset at you if the tables were turned.

 

Her lack of boundaries is very alarming.

 

She sounds selfish and manipulative.

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Well I don't know about other people but there is a lot of big red flags here for me. I would not be comfortable with this either.

You don't seem like the jealous type so I am just going to assume that you are not being a crazy and controlling guy.

You being uncomfortable with your wife seeing someone she used to sleep with and lying to you about it seems like a pretty d@mn normal response to me.

On top of the fact that she snoops through your stuff, acts overly jealous, and covers her tracks very well by deleting everything, it makes me think that if you aren't suspicious something is going on you are in denial.

Also, she admits she has a double standard but still tells you she is going to continue to see him if he wants too, and also lets you know that she would be upset at you if the tables were turned.

Her lack of boundaries is very alarming.

She sounds selfish and manipulative.

 

Yeah thealchemist, I am not a jealous type at all. Funny that I am not because my first marriage ended because of a cheating spouse. Ultimately I am an optimist and see the good in people. I do have a pretty keen gut instinct that is usually bang on (has been bang on the two times with my current wife). I am choosing to be cautiously optimistic and trust her because I cannot be in a relationship with someone I don't trust. Plus, I don't have the time nor energy to keep checking up on her.

 

When I talk to her about it, I mention that the degree of deception contradicts her saying that it was innocent. That is still the thing that I don't understand..... you go through great measures when it is innocent? Makes no sense to me and still doesn't add up.

 

Honestly, I don't care if she goes through my stuff. I have nothing to hide what so ever so she can look all she wants if that makes her feel better.

 

For the double standard, she just said to me that she is insecure that I have a friend that she thinks is super hot (I confided in her BECAUSE of my wife's lie and my wife got upset that I talked to her on the phone for an hour and she found out because she went through my phone and then asked who "A" was.....) and she doesn't want me to leave her for another woman..... the thing about cheating, I know how it feels from the perspective of someone being cheated on and I vowed to NEVER do that to anyone. I also saw how it impacted my mother when my dad cheated on her. I don't like the double standard but I am trying to be the better person here.

 

Not sure how this is going to pan out but I am in wait and see mode....

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Well, she has just put Mr. FWB, before you. She has shown you complete disrespect and she does not value your marriage. She should have immediately have blocked him. I support friends of the opposite sex, but she hid this from you.

 

I strongly suggest marriage counseling. Don't be a doormat and allow this any longer. The deleting, lying and hiding meet ups, are a huge problem.

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Well, she has just put Mr. FWB, before you. She has shown you complete disrespect and she does not value your marriage. She should have immediately have blocked him. I support friends of the opposite sex, but she hid this from you.

 

I strongly suggest marriage counseling. Don't be a doormat and allow this any longer. The deleting, lying and hiding meet ups, are a huge problem.

 

Hello Hollyj. Interesting that you said that she put Mr. FWB before me.... I said the exact thing as well. I said to her that meeting him for coffee was more important than our marriage. She covered it up because she knew it was wrong but did it anyway. That deep down is the thing that I have the biggest issue with. If you are covering it up and lying about it, how can it be the right thing to do? I'd say MAYBE if she did it once, then call it a lack of judgement, but to have done it 3 or 4 times before getting caught???? Makes me think what would have happened if I didn't catch her? I am assuming that she would have continued to text, delete, meet for coffee and lie about it.

 

Makes my heart race just thinking about it...... To add to things, I have to take my daughter out of town on a soccer tournament that my wife can't attend and I am quite anxious to say the least. It isn't going to be an easy weekend for sure.

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Is this how you want to live your life? In fear of what she may do.

 

Nope not at all..... I don't have the time nor the energy to continually check up on her, nor do I want to do that. To me, that isn't a way to live a life. Bottom line, I want to trust her but I have a hard time with what she did. She protests up and down that it was innocent (maybe it totally was), but she took great measures to hide it and lie about it on more than one occasion. She said to me once that she doesn't know why seeing him for coffee was so important. That is the question that she ultimately needs to answer.

 

Ultimately I am not going to try to control her as it goes against everything that I believe in. I believe in honesty, respect, and open communication, and that individuals are just that, individual. I have no right to control what she does as that leads to more issues ultimately, like resentment. I also believe in respect and honoring a marriage. I "thought" she had the same belief.... but I am not so sure any more. One positive (if you can take one out of this) was that she let me know last week that she received a text message from him... in the past (before getting busted), she would have carried out a conversation with him, then delete all the messages.

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The question is: why did she hide it?

 

Why wasn't he blocked?????? She is not done with him. She is really disrespecting you, your child and your marriage.

 

That is the silver bullet question isn't it???..... Why DID she hide it? I don't really buy what she says (that she wanted to spare my feelings about getting hurt so she hid it). So..... according to her logic, she knows I would be hurt because of her actions so she does it anyway and hides it? Plus, added to the fact that she said that if I did the same thing, she would be upset, so she projected her feelings onto me. I said to her that was the moment that her coffee with him was more important than our marriage... and I still believe that.

 

Ironically, she is the one that initiated it. She thought she saw him when she was out and sent the text (they hadn't communicated in a few years - according to her). She also said that she was the one that initiated meeting for coffee.....

 

I really don't see a good ending to this one.

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I agree. Why would it hurt you, if it were innocent?

 

She thought it would hurt me because if I did the same (had coffee with an old FWB - which I WOULD NEVER DO), even if it was innocent, she would be hurt, feel insecure, and jealous. So.... she said that she was sparing my feelings.

 

I am so torn about this and have no idea what to believe. Is she telling the truth about this (was it innocent? did she have poor judgement to "try to save my feelings")? When she tells me that she loves me and has no desire to be with anyone else, is that true? When she says she won't initiate contact with him but won't be rude to him if he messages her..... is that true? So many open questions to this....

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So, it is okay for her, but not for you. What a crock!

 

If you do not have trust, then you do not have a relationship.

 

The fact that she is jeopardizing your marriage by not blocking this guy, speaks volumes. She has put the FWB, before you. Don't you want more for you and your daughter?

 

I really don't understand why you are still questioning this. Would you continue to communicate with an ex FWB, if the situation were reversed? C'mon! She is taking you for a complete chump! She does not respect you.

 

Sorry. Good luck!

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So, it is okay for her, but not for you. What a crock!

 

If you do not have trust, then you do not have a relationship.

 

The fact that she is jeopardizing your marriage by not blocking this guy, speaks volumes. She has put the FWB, before you. Don't you want more for you and your daughter?

 

I really don't understand why you are still questioning this. Would you continue to communicate with an ex FWB, if the situation were reversed? C'mon! She is taking you for a complete chump! She does not respect you.

 

Sorry. Good luck!

 

Thank you! I agree the double standard is ludicrous. I have done nothing and it is her own insecurities that are in the way. More than once she has said that she doesn't like the fact that I have female friends (and none of them I have ever slept with). Yet at the end of it, if I were to communicate with an ex-FWB she'd be upset.... yet she does that to me?

 

Maybe things will drop off between them. I am totally not sure how I'd ever know though. She did a good job of hiding it for months and tripped up once and that's when I caught her.

 

Part of me wonders if buddy's wife knows he has been going for coffee with another woman. My guess would be NO.

 

So.... what do you suggest?

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If someone chose me over a friend, most especially a former lover, I would be done. They do not value the relationship.

 

She refuses to cut this guy out of her life, and lied about and hid it. There is no trust, and she does not value the relationship. I look at people's actions, and hers are quite clear.

 

I think it is terrible that she would jeopardize your marriage for this guy, and the refusal to cut him off is mind boggling.

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Yes I agree she chose a former FWB over me and our marriage.... and I don't understand that at all.

 

Her admitting that she wants to remain friends with him is a huge sign..... She says they were friends before and after the FWB thing... and that he was a friend even before I came around..... so maybe I am reading too much into it though but I don't know. I feel very betrayed because I would NEVER have done what she did. That friend that I mentioned before that my wife thinks is hot, I have not accepted her friend request on Facebook BECAUSE I know how it would make her feel. I am not going to put her in a position where she feels uncomfortable, yet she is doing exactly that to me.

 

I'd say that I don't think she is a selfish person but in this case, she is being extremely selfish and disrespectful.... and it seems that she doesn't want to stop a relationship that, from the outside, is inappropriate in nature.

 

As I have said all along, if she didn't hide it and go through the great measures to keep it hidden, things may be different.

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What happened the first time she lied?

 

I was going to be out of town chaperoning her son (we have a blended family) on a trip to the US, and I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right.... so I looked at her phone. Yes I feel terrible but she was messaging an old boyfriend setting up a lunch date for when I was going to be out of town.

 

I confronted her on it and basically was the same story.... they were friends before I came along, lost touch when we got together (not because I told her that she couldn't, it was on her own to stop), and she wanted to catch up.

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If you are secure and confident she has to be coming up with his worry about you getting upset from somewhere.

 

Sorry to say but I have an idea...

 

She lied and is projecting this on you because she is very aware of how untrustworthy she is. So she assumes you are too.

 

She has already put this ex fwb relationship as a higher priority than your happiness. She is being extremely disrespectful.

 

It honestly seems like these meetings are just the tip...

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I think you have a communication barrier up, where she doesn't feel comfortable telling you these things, because you over-react and act all "hurt." I do however, I think that it's inappropriate that she's seeing a guy one-on-one while she's married to you -- especially with one with whom she has history. I think you need to take a chill pill, stop being so dramatic and "hurt," and instead insist that she takes you with the next time she hangs out with him. No more secrets. No more lies. No more drama.

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If you are secure and confident she has to be coming up with his worry about you getting upset from somewhere.

Sorry to say but I have an idea...

She lied and is projecting this on you because she is very aware of how untrustworthy she is. So she assumes you are too.

She has already put this ex fwb relationship as a higher priority than your happiness. She is being extremely disrespectful.

It honestly seems like these meetings are just the tip...

 

I think I am secure, confident, and reliable, and have never questioned where she was or what she was doing. Her ex was very much like that but that isn't me at all. As for being untrustworthy, I don't know why she'd think that.... I mean I don't have a password on my phone, she obviously knows me email password as she logged in once to it (she knows my standard password because I told her what it is).... so maybe to make her feel better, she doesn't trust me because she is being untrustworthy.... convoluted thinking for sure.

 

The meetings are just the tip... of what? Something more? Something "not so innocent?"

 

Yes she has mentioned more than once that she is insecure and didn't like that I had female friends and is jealous and thinks I will leave her for someone else (soooooooo far from the truth as I have no desire to do that). So, does this lead to her being untrustworthy? To me, it is all self-destructive in nature. She doesn't want to lose me, yet she does things to erode trust and the marriage.

 

Very strange thing but last week, she went to IKEA (she gets off work at noon every Friday and usually goes home), so to prove it to me that she was there (I asked her after the fact), she took a picture of some picture frames in IKEA asking me what I thought. When I asked her if she did that to prove to me that she was there (at the moment I didn't think twice about her being where she said she was going to be), she said yes because she thought I wouldn't have believed her.... so where did THAT come from?

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