Boyfriend distant since failed attempt at sex, tells me he feels drained emotionally. Help?

Hello kind readers,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. Since three months into the relationship, he has been asking me to have penetrative sex, but I have not agreed, telling him that as a virgin, I wanted to feel loved and supported and I wasn't physically or emotionally ready. We have done other things.

Last Sunday we were together and he asked me if I wanted to try. Although I said "I don't know", he proceeds to get the condom. I didn't protest, we tried thrice but ultimately I climbed off and cried because it hurt too much, telling him I didn't like it. I apologised for not being able to give him what he wanted, he grunted in acknowledgement. We cuddled thereafter, and then had to leave his room for lunch.

During lunch he was distant and hardly spoke to me. When asked he said he was tired. He did kiss me on the forehead and thank me for coming to see him.

Usually, when I leave his place, he will text to ask me if I reached home and send kisses my way for seeing him. Daily, he would also send a goodnight text with a hug and kiss emoji. However since Sunday afternoon, nothing came after my texts to him prior to meeting him on Sunday. Admittedly on my part I was silent as well, because I was hurt that he was distant, and I wanted to feel reassured that I was still loved.

On Monday, nothing happened either save at 4 a.m. when he texted me 'goodnight', and Tuesday as he was preparing to board the flight for his vacation, and in reply to my texts asking him if he had landed. The pattern of no 'goodnight's and kisses persisted, which is extremely unusual as he had never failed to text me daily in our entire relationship, no matter how tired he was or when we disagreed.

Finally on Thursday, on advice from a friend, I texted him. He replied with a 'goodnight' and a 'any reason you've been ignoring me'.

I shared with him how I felt ignored and vulnerable that he didn't want to reach out, and I wanted him to talk to me or ideally tell me how he feels, and he replied saying he felt sorry I felt this way, and that lately he had been feeling "feeling drained, and frustrated; emotionally, and sexually", that despite all this time I hadn't opened up to him, and he felt low and unwanted.

In reply on Friday I said I was sorry he felt that way, and that he and our relationship is very important to me, and I wanted him, it was just that penetration had hurt and I was mentally distracted knowing that his flatmates were around. I also asked him if there were any particular areas he felt I didn't open up to him. To which he didn't respond or acknowledge in any way, save a 'goodnight' text later that night.

I asked him why there was no kiss or hug, and that message was blue ticked. Today I sent him a hug emoji and he did not acknowledge it or respond, when he usually would. It was blue ticked.

I feel hurt and rejected, and guilty that I wasn't able to give him what he wanted, and also that I am indeed an emotional drain on the relationship. I don't know where I've gone wrong and what to do from here on. This lack of texting, this silence seems extremely juvenile as I type it out but it's really bothering me.

Any advice?

If you are not ready to have sex then you are not ready.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you two?

My wife and I were virgins when we started dating too. I was pretty persistent but not insensitive about it. We had sex after dating for about 16 months. So one year isn't some crazy long time. Especially if you are fairly young.

But he needs to learn to deal with his frustration. But he is going to get frustrated, he just needs to be aware that that negative attitude is just going to push you away more and make sex less likely.

Why have you stayed for almost a year with a guy who has been pressuring you for sex from the beginning? Based on the actions you described, this guy does not love or even respect you. Do not believe his lies. He does not feel hurt at all. He is trying to bully and guilt you into having sex with him when you aren't ready. You are right to wait until you are in a loving relationship. Someone who loves you will treat you with patience and kindness. You will most likely regret having sex with this guy. If he is treating you this disrespectfully before you even have sexual, he is sure to disappoint you once you do have sex with him.

You are hesitating for a reason. Dump this insensitive person. You deserve to be treated with so much more respect than he is showing you.

Well, to his credit, he has stayed with you a year which is a great sign he really cares. I can see how frustrated you both are that the relationship hasn't been able to progress to the level you both want. There are things you can do to get used to the feeling of penetrative sex. Try inserting a tampon and use a lubricant, using the same motion he would. It's not going to feel good, as it's not part of a loving experience, but perhaps it will help you get past the fear, and have it no longer hurt. You might watch porn and/or use a vibrator while you are inserting it to progress to the level you need. After you get used to that, and are ready to try with him, have him do oral on you first to get you aroused before attempting insertion.

If you don't make these attempts, I'm afraid even his love for you won't be enough. Fully functional sex is important to most people and a great bonding experience. With his lack of texting, it's probably a signal that he is distancing himself and has a lot on his mind, wondering how long he should be patient before throwing in the towel.

He didn't act in the way you wanted, but he's not a total jerk. I'd make the effort to move your relationship to the next level. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Neither of you is wrong in your basic wants. It is natural he'd want to have sex with his girlfriend; you're also well within your rights to say no if you're not ready.

The way this happened was not ideal on either side. But you might be finding that this incompatibility runs much deeper than you both realized. He sounds concerned that if you're not ready after a year, he doesn't know what else to do to help you feel comfortable with him. It sounds to me like his current silence isn't intended to be punitive, necessarily, but rather that he doesn't know what to say or how to say it as he re-evaluates how he feels about the relationship. He is on holiday, keep in mind, so it's not a great time to have a conversation like this, especially over text messaging.

Yes, he could be more communicative. But I would give him a little space to process, and I think you should do the same. I know it's hard when you are seeking reassurance from him, but it doesn't appear he's going to give it you right now. Take some time for you to reconsider if this is the right match for you, too.

How old are the two of you? I'd like to know if we are speaking about a teenage relationship or adults.

 

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you two?

 

My wife and I were virgins when we started dating too. I was pretty persistent but not insensitive about it. We had sex after dating for about 16 months. So one year isn't some crazy long time. Especially if you are fairly young.

 

But he needs to learn to deal with his frustration. But he is going to get frustrated, he just needs to be aware that that negative attitude is just going to push you away more and make sex less likely.

Thank you. I really appreciate the perspective.

I am 23 this year, and this is my first long-term relationship. He is also 23, but has had a few ex-girlfriends and 1 FWB, all of whom eventually had sex with him. I'm not sure if this has perhaps raised his expectations.

BeenThereB4,

Thank you for your honesty. Your advice does echo that of my friends who told me not to do anything I'm not ready to.

Andrina,

I have tried using a tampon once years ago and it hurt so badly I never tried again. So far he has managed to get a finger in me at most after oral. I think the experience was made worse because I was hungry, the part-time maid was there to clean and would have to enter any moment, and I was also fearful of what it would mean to us - he told me before that sex was "something fun we could do together". While I don't necessarily disagree, as stupid as it sounds I do want my first time to mean something/ be memorable rather than just "fun", which could be easily achieved in a hook-up.

I appreciate that sex is an important factor in relationships and can help foster that sense of intimacy. I think part of my hang-up is that he hasn't told me at any point of time that he loved me. Well, aside from that one time when I was in tears because he said he didn't believe in the romantic idealization of love, but then he told me of course he loves me. Since then he hasn't repeated it.

MissCanuck,

Thanks for responding. Yes, I do agree the time is less than ideal and I'd really prefer to talk face-to-face, and I don't want to be an emotionally exhausting presence. Perhaps I am labouring under the sunk cost fallacy, because the very reason why we were attracted to each other and stayed together was due to mutual interests, values (ambition, hard work, go-getting) and personality traits.

From the responses, it seems like the consensus is that the crux of the matter lies in the sex issue (though maybe this could be affected by how I titled the thread). What bothers me is the 'feeling drained...emotionally" part, which seems to imply I'm an emotional vampire - the last thing I want to be.

I'm not sure precisely what I should do day-by-day. By giving him space, do I just stay quiet? Send 'goodnight's on my end? Staying quiet seems to perpetuate the negative cycle of silence and possibly anger. I know it's important to set the foundations right in terms of what each party wants/needs in this relationship and whether we should continue fighting for it moving forward, but I'm not sure when and how to approach it when he returns early next week. To drop the bomb when he arrives in the airport seems insensitive, and to do it on our first dates/ meeting back seems like a pretty bad option too, so something needs to give.

Aside from Andrina's tips, is there anything I could do to preserve this relationship? I do realise that the question of whether I need to mentally prepare myself to end it lies with me but objective perspectives would be much appreciated.

Thank you everyone for taking time from your Saturday morning to help :)

We are both 23. This is my first relationship, but he has had a few ex girlfriends and a FWB, all of whom have given him sex.

MissCanuck,

Thanks for responding. Yes, I do agree the time is less than ideal and I'd really prefer to talk face-to-face, and I don't want to be an emotionally exhausting presence. Perhaps I am labouring under the sunk cost fallacy, because the very reason why we were attracted to each other and stayed together was due to mutual interests, values (ambition, hard work, go-getting) and personality traits.

Andrina,

I have tried using a tampon once years ago and it hurt so badly I never tried again. So far he has managed to get a finger in me at most after oral. I think the experience was made worse because I was hungry, the part-time maid was there to clean and would have to enter any moment, and I was also fearful of what it would mean to us - he told me before that sex was "something fun we could do together". While I don't necessarily disagree, as stupid as it sounds I do want my first time to mean something/ be memorable rather than just "fun", which could be easily achieved in a hook-up.

I appreciate that sex is an important factor in relationships and can help foster that sense of intimacy. I think part of my hang-up is that he hasn't told me at any point of time that he loved me. Well, aside from that one time when I was in tears because he said he didn't believe in the romantic idealization of love, but then he told me of course he loves me. Since then he hasn't repeated it.

thealchemist,

Thank you. I really appreciate the perspective.

I am 23 this year, and this is my first long-term relationship. He is also 23, but has had a few ex-girlfriends and 1 FWB, all of whom eventually had sex with him. I'm not sure if this has perhaps raised his expectations.

BeenThereB4,

Thank you for your honesty. Your advice does echo that of my friends who told me not to do anything I'm not ready to.

From the responses, it seems like the consensus is that the crux of the matter lies in the sex issue (though maybe this could be affected by how I titled the thread). What bothers me is the 'feeling drained...emotionally" part, which seems to imply I'm an emotional vampire - the last thing I want to be.

I'm not sure precisely what I should do day-by-day. By giving him space, do I just stay quiet? Send 'goodnight's on my end? Staying quiet seems to perpetuate the negative cycle of silence and possibly anger. I know it's important to set the foundations right in terms of what each party wants/needs in this relationship and whether we should continue fighting for it moving forward, but I'm not sure when and how to approach it when he returns early next week. To drop the bomb when he arrives in the airport seems insensitive, and to do it on our first dates/ meeting back seems like a pretty bad option too, so something needs to give.

Aside from Andrina's tips, is there anything I could do to preserve this relationship? I do realise that the question of whether I need to mentally prepare myself to end it lies with me but objective perspectives would be much appreciated.

Thank you everyone for taking time from your Saturday morning to help :)

I think you are at a point where if you don't see yourself being excited and ready to have sex with him in the very near future, it's time to break up.

I personally think it's your expectations that are a bit wonky. Of course a man will want to have a sexual relationship with his exclusive gf within a year. If you aren't into him enough and trust him enough in that time, better to leave than drag on a sexless relationship with someone who you know is sexual and wants to share that.

If you have pain from tampons, perhaps you should be speaking to a doctor about that. But honestly, it doesn't sound like you are anywhere near being ready to own your sexuality. That's fine - but then maybe just date until you are in a place where you don't expect a man to be sexless to be in a relationship with you.

You should see a gynecologist. Some women have very thick hymens making sex very difficult at first. A gynecologist can cut the hymen and open it up. Since you've already decided to lose your virginity to your boyfriend, there won't be any shame in losing it.

There is also a condition called vulvodynia where the vaginal muscles are just clamped closed and there are really no good treatments. You would need a gynecologist to confirm this. If this is what's happening then you and your boyfriend can concentrate on other ways to achieve pleasure such as oral, mutual masturbation and even anal. I hope you can find a good solution to the problem.

You should probably have a pelvic exam OP, to rule out any physical issue that might be contributing to the pain. It is worth a check anyway if you haven't had one before.

As for your boyfriend, well, I think you two need to decide if there is a future here. It doesn't all come down to sex either, but it does sound as though you still don't feel comfortable with him after a year. You need to identify why that is, and if it can be rectified. To be fair, I can completely understand why you didn't feel comfortable in that specific moment to have sex for the first time. However, this isn't just circumstantial. What do you feel he's doing/not doing that prevents you from being able to trust him or be emotionally more intimate with him?

The sex seems to be the symptom of a larger issue between you two.

I do agree that a year into a relationship with a significant other, you would feel some sort of sexual attraction already... I also think there seems to be a larger issue than sex and maybe your boyfriend is sensing it too and now withdrawing.

it'sallgrand,

I see where you are coming from and how this period may have made him feel sexually rejected. Our relationship isn't sexless, however - we've done oral since the third or fourth month of being together, just not penetrative sex.

Typing this, I can see that everyone was right on the money that I didn't feel like I could trust - before him there was a person whom I did like very much but he did the silent treatment. Back in primary I was ostracised before by people whom I thought were very good friends, so since then I have had problems opening up and trusting out of fear of getting hurt or getting abandoned. I do know this is something I need to overcome, and he did nothing to deserve the pall of my past, and I have been working on it and bit by bit slowly letting him in, performing grand gestures of surprising him with brunch, being less unafraid to turn to him in moments of weakness or sadness (which I only do with very close friends of 7 years).

I do love him, but I don't feel reassured without that verbal affirmation though he is affectionate physically. He had told me he does not believe in the idea of love, and when asked where he sees us in the future, and whether he thinks marriage may be a possibility, he merely said 'I don't know', there are other things he would like to pursue career-wise (which I completely agree with personally), and that he would "settle down" only when he has "given up on life". In one of our conversations about love, I teared up telling him "I feel assured when I receive verbal affirmation...I don't think you love me right, since you don't believe in love", to which he responded of course he did, and seemed to think that me needing verbal assurance is silly. Since this episode, he hasn't given me any verbal affirmation. I guess from his perspective, it seems stupid that a few words verbally said would make me feel more loved, but they do help a lot in making me feel loved. I would appreciate thoughts or guidance on how to ask for this, or how to 'get over' this need if it is that ridiculous.

MissCanuck, you are right that I do want that verbal assurance (in terms of him saying "I love you", or telling me how he feels) which is not happening at all throughout the entire course of our relationship. This is bothering me. The issue here is trust, I know, everyone is right about that, but linked to that is the stupid need for verbal affirmation. In my reply to his long message on Thursday, I stated that I would very much like this so I would feel more assured and loved in the act.

There is sexual attraction, and I do want him sexually and emotionally. As stupid as it sounds, I had on my own end wanted to wait till our anniversary of becoming a couple or Valentine's Day as a gesture so it would be memorable for both of us, and mentally psyched myself into doing it - but herein lies my error I think in not telling him I wanted more time to set the mood right.

Per everyone else's suggestions, I am looking into getting a pelvic exam. Everyone is right - I have never done it before, and it'll be good for reproductive health regardless.

Honestly, this extended silence and withdrawal isn't helping matters - it is precisely this verbal affirmations that makes me all the more unable to feel connected or loved, and in a way is an affirmation of the fear of abandonment that has been lingering in the background, but which I thought was slowly fading as I got prepared to He knows that it is bothering me as I have told him before, but when he replies my texts hours later after seeing it he doesn't acknowledge my bids for affection (like me asking where the emojis are). Sorry, I know it is childish but it hurts because it seems that this lack of engagement is deliberately punitive.

At this stage I do want to ask for what I want (better communication, him not ignoring me for hours, affection) but MissCanuck is right that I should not press him overly. I can see that if he doesn't/ isn't prepared to give this, the last thing he wants is more accusation or guilt from his partner. He says in his text he doesn't know how to make me comfortable - how do I respond to that? I tried telling him I need that verbal affirmation to feel comfortable, and more patience in a conducive environment. Did I go wrong?

Typing this, it seems like I am being needy, and I don't know if I am unreasonable in wanting this verbal affirmation and feeling that this is important.

He is coming back next week and I am thinking of going to the airport to meet him as I always do, but I'm thinking if that will be a good idea? How do I broach this topic and set up a discussion? Do I ask him whether he wants me there to see him when he lands? I was incredibly tempted to ask him via text if he wanted to talk over the phone when he is free, but I can see from his perspective that that is hardly going to be a delightful prospect while on vacation. MissCanuck, you are right that perhaps he needs space, and that it feels awful, but at the same time I feel that the longer this drags, the more worse it gets. I'd want to be able to do something that can help to resolve this rather than wait. How do I go about communicating all of this in a productive manner so I know 1. whether he still wants to be in this relationship and 2. what we - or I - can do moving forward?

He’s given up, which is understandable all things considered. A man will only try and fail so many times before concluding it’s just not a match. If you think it is a match then you’ll have to take the reigns for a while.

I see some incompatibility here. Your boyfriend doesn't believe in love or doesn't think words of affirmation are needed. On the other hand, you not only believe in these things, you need them to feel assured. I think you're looking for something this guy can't give you. Although there might be a physical issue in place, I think you're lacking an emotional connection with him that seems unlikely to come.

I mean, it's clear that the first time you'll have sex is important for you, still he decides to try in a far from romantic situation when a maid can just knock on the door at any minute? It just shows how he's just not listening or interpreting you well enough. And now you try to communicate and he just backs off, which is another red flag and incompatibility issue.

He seems to be putting you in situations where you don't feel comfortable or assured enough to have penetrative sex with him. This doesn't look very promising, unfortunately. I think he is probably noticing the incompatibilities himself and that's why he's probably getting more distant.

OP, I absolutely agree with the above poster. I think you will come away disappointed because romantic love, and being told you are loved is important to you - as it is to a lot of women. This guy is just not wired up that way, and I think him knowing that difference is driving him away. He's very different to you. I think he is backing away from the relationship because he is aware of this too. I'm sorry.

"He had told me he does not believe in the idea of love, and when asked where he sees us in the future, and whether he thinks marriage may be a possibility, he merely said 'I don't know', there are other things he would like to pursue career-wise (which I completely agree with personally), and that he would "settle down" only when he has "given up on life"."

Wow. If a guy had said this to me, I would've been out of there like the road runner. When someone has different life goals than you, it'll never work. You asked about marriage because you eventually want that. He doesn't know. You shouldn't wait around for a guy who might never change his mind. And not believing in the idea of love? Well, if you want to spend the rest of your life with a robot, your self esteem is severely lacking.

Why shove under the rug your desire to be with someone who loves to say, "I love you."??? You're settling for mediocre. Why are you doing this with your one precious life?

You have a lot of work to do on yourself emotionally and physically to get to a good place before attempting to date again. In the meantime, you should end this relationship with the nowhere man. And the fact of life is that nobody gets through life without being hurt. You let in people who seem like good risks for your heart, and if it they hurt you at some point, you're a survivor and life moves on. Have some faith in yourself that you will heal over time. When you attempt to live in a safe bubble with barriers up, it's not a fulfilling life. Good luck and take care.

He had told me he does not believe in the idea of love, and when asked where he sees us in the future, and whether he thinks marriage may be a possibility, he merely said 'I don't know', there are other things he would like to pursue career-wise (which I completely agree with personally), and that he would "settle down" only when he has "given up on life".

OP, the above is not good.

You are looking for the type of relationship he likely isn't going to offer you. This is why he feels drained, and it's evident that you feel drained too; you two seek very different things in partnership and you're both trying to ignore you own instincts to be what the other person wants.

If a guy I were dating had told me the above, I would not be sticking around hoping he changes his mind. I think you are going to be disappointed here, and not because of the sex issue. I don't mean to say that you are wrong in wanting what you want (plenty of people desire and freely give verbal affirmation) but you are looking in the wrong place for it.

Sorry OP but I see no way how you can have a future with this guy, given the massive amount of incompatibility.

I wasn't someone who wanted to save myself for marriage or any of that but I did want to wait until I was in a very meaningful relationship before having sex. I didn't want my first time to be "just for fun" either.

I think this relationship is past its experation date. It sounds like this guy doesn't want anything like what you want. How can you see any future with him? And if you see no future with him at all, and don't feel appreciated by him how would you even get excited about sex with him?

You need to find a guy who wants more of what you want.

I would also get checked out by a gynocologist. It sounds like you might have an anatomical obstruction, whether that is from thickened tissue or abnormal opening. Only a doctor can say, but either is easily fixed.

Okay with OP's last post, now this explains the bigger issue... Definitely incompatible.