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Toxic Brother In Law


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How do you handle a bossy/bullying brother-in-law? Ostensibly he and my sister moved into my mother's home to take care of her, but since he lost his job several years ago at age 55 (probably due to anger issues) he has not worked. As a result my sister has had to get a job with a long commute, which limits the time she can take care of mom. Although BIL helps in the early mornings, most days she sleeps until a caregiver arrives. They have all their bills paid by my mother.

 

Besides belittling me (and my sister), he tells me what I can do in our family's house of 45 years and tries to handle mother's finances (I changed account passwords but he sees all her mail). My sister defers to him because she is afraid he will lose his temper. I can't just avoid him if I want to see my mother (almost 90 with Alzheimer's).

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It sounds like your BIL has positioned himself to get all of your mother's possessions including the house. You need an elder attorney to guide you, to legally get things into both you and your sister's name so that BIL only gets what he is entitled to through your sister.

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Who is your mother's guardian? If its you, have her mail come to a PO box or your house.

 

I understand its your family home -- but its actually now *THEIR* residence at this point - they don't own it, but they reside there, so there may be a limit on you just walking through the door at any time.

 

If you want to make a change, i would see an attorney and talk to your sister and brother in law with a mediator's presence. Its okay for mom's money to be used to pay any property taxes or heat in the house and things she would pay for if she was living alone, but its wrong for the money to be used to pay for their personal bills.

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I can't really move her into my home - the point was to keep her in her home of 45 years. I lived with her for 2-3 years (keeping my own home) to take care of her before they arrived. My sister and I both have power of attorney. The house is a life estate and 3/4 will pass to my sister upon her death (I believe they think it will be hers entirely - probably worth about $500,000). After my father died my sister got several hundred thousand which got invested by her husband in two bad deals involving his siblings. Most of that is gone and he didn't save when he had good jobs. When I say all their bills are paid, that means room and board (utilities and groceries). I monitor mother's credit card and there have been some questionable things but not a large amount of money. If my BIL was not so hypercritical and hard to get along with (can't be happy in a restaurant - wrong table, bad food and service, drives like a maniac cursing other divers, honking and cutting them off etc) this would not be so difficult. I just can't stand to be around him anymore. If I stand up to him, it will be World War III and my sister will have a crying breakdown.

 

I ann at my wits end.

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Well, you know, legally they could charge your mother's estate $10 an hour for taking care of her. So your BILL could be charging the estate $160 a day or even more ($15/hour, $20/per hour). That could be a minimum of $1100 a week that he could charge for his time from just being in the house. And that could be $50,000 to $100,000 a year to take care of your mother. You might want to tread carefully on this issue.

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Financial elder abuse is a crime. Research it. Both your mother as the victim and this leech and your sister as the perps fit the profile. Talk to an attorney asap. Get power of attorney over your mother and have the leeches evicted. In the meantime have your mother's mail forwarded to you. Check her credit reports for newly opened accounts, credit cards, etc. ID theft by crooks like this guy is very common. Her money is her money and your BIL needs to keep his hands off it. Do not discuss any of this with your sister, sadly she's in on it and benefiting from it as well.

he lost his job several years ago They have all their bills paid by my mother.
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Well, you know, legally they could charge your mother's estate $10 an hour for taking care of her. So your BILL could be charging the estate $160 a day or even more ($15/hour, $20/per hour). That could be a minimum of $1100 a week that he could charge for his time from just being in the house. And that could be $50,000 to $100,000 a year to take care of your mother. You might want to tread carefully on this issue.

 

There is an aide coming in.

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Financial elder abuse is a crime. Research it. Both your mother as the victim and this leech and your sister as the perps fit the profile. Talk to an attorney asap. Get power of attorney over your mother and have the leeches evicted. In the meantime have your mother's mail forwarded to you. Check her credit reports for newly opened accounts, credit cards, etc. ID theft by crooks like this guy is very common. Her money is her money and your BIL needs to keep his hands off it. Do not discuss any of this with your sister, sadly she's in on it and benefiting from it as well.

 

Good advice.

 

OP, stop being so passive.

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You don't need to confront him. In fact, don't tell him or your sister a thing. Do all your research without them. Get a CPA to do her paperwork this year. Please also check the deeds/titles to cars, the home, etc. and beneficiaries on insurances, stocks, etc. Since your mother is elderly they may have forced or tricked her to sign these over. Very common in these situations. They are not certified aides and therefore can not "charge her estate". Nor is there a contract in place indicating this. They are sponging off of her and living for free. All her assets, pension, social security income, etc. should be solely going to her care, not theirs. Start looking into top notch elder care facilities and get these crooks out of her house.

My sister and I both have power of attorney. I monitor mother's credit card and there have been some questionable things but not a large amount of money.
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You don't need to confront him. In fact, don't tell him or your sister a thing. Do all your research without them. Get a CPA to do her paperwork this year. Please also check the deeds/titles to cars, the home, etc. and beneficiaries on insurances, stocks, etc. Since your mother is elderly they may have forced or tricked her to sign these over. Very common in these situations. They are not certified aides and therefore can not "charge her estate". Nor is there a contract in place indicating this. They are sponging off of her and living for free. All her assets, pension, social security income, etc. should be solely going to her care, not theirs. Start looking into top notch elder care facilities and get these crooks out of her house.

 

OP, I hope you are still reading, and follow this advice.

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