Feeling so much guilt

2 days ago I took my 15 year old cat to the vet...I noticed he had a ruptured anal gland abscess that was pouring pus and it was very painful and he kept licking it nonstop. I thought I would take him to the vet and it would be a fairly easy fix. The vet took blood work and probed the abscess which gave him so much pain he was screaming. It was so so difficult to witness. The vet came back and said that his blood work was surprisingly good other than his thyroid was very abnormal and he had lost a ton of weight since his last visit a year ago. We knew he had hyperthyroidism but it was untreated due to the fact that he would absolutely not take the pills. She said that between his enlarged heart and high blood pressure from the hyperthyroidism and the fact he had lost most of his fat and muscle that he may not make it out of the surgery that he needed to cure the abscess and even if he did it would be a long recovery especially since he refused to take pills.

We made the decision to euthanize him. She took us to a room and we kept him in the cat carrier thinking this was temporary and that once they were ready to euthanize we would get to spend time with him holding him and saying goodbye. I talked to him through the bars of the carrier and told him I loved him but he was so miserable and scared being at the vet. Then the vet came in and said she was taking him and was going to sedate him to make it easier to find a vein to inject the lethal drugs. I still did not understand that this was the last time I would see him awake. She just took the carrier from me and left.

When she came and got me for the euthanization he had a gas mask on and was already unconscious. They told me I could say goodbye and talk to him and pet him. It felt so wrong though...I did not know I was going to have to say my final goodbye when he was unconscious and could not hear me. The last faces he saw before the gas sedated him was of the vet and the vet techs. The same people that Just a little while ago were causing him so much pain and he was fighting with. I immediately broke down...I knew it was too late to go back or do anything differently. It was such a shock. I wanted to be the last face he saw and just let him know I was there and loved him and that it was ok. I sobbed into his fur long after they gave the lethal injection, I just kept telling him I was sorry and I loved him. I have so much guilt with how it all happened.... I had no idea I was not going to get to hold him again before he was unconscious and couldn't see or hear me. I hate that his last conscious moments were with strangers that he associated with pain and fear. I'm upset with the staff that they let it happen this way and with myself that I did not take him out of the carrier and love on him. I know I did the best I could at the time, with not understanding the process but I just hope he knows I loved him. I have so much guilt and cry all the time.,,I wake up in the middle of the night sobbing, racked with guilt and wishing I could go back and do it differently. He was with me nearly half of my life and I feel like I did him wrong at the end.

He does know you loved him. I'm sure of it.

Please try to forgive yourself. You did the best you could.

I am sorry for your loss.

I am so very sorry. I know it is hard.

I'm so sorry. I lost my cat to hyperthyroidism in July. You and the vet did the right thing (if not in the exact right way, but it was best to put him down). I wish I had done this but I had a bad vet that did not advise me to and her final month was very painful. She eventually died of organ failure due to the thyroid issue. Not a pleasant way to go.

It's normal to feel guilty when a pet passes. I felt it with my cat and another cat I had that got hit by a car. I blamed myself for that for a long time. But it's easy to say you would have done differently after the fact. In the moment it's hard to know what the right thing to do is. Your cat was loved and you did the compassionate thing.

Just give yourself time to grieve. The guilt will lessen. I'm so sorry for your loss, I know it's heartbreaking.

Oh sweetie I am so very sorry for your loss; how heartbreaking.

Of course he knows he had your full heart, for many years. And you are right: you did do the best you could at the time with the knowledge you had; you have no fault here. I know it’s so very hard, but you must try your best to not let one hour at the vet trump 15 years of companionship.

This is a tremendous loss; try to treat yourself with the love, kindness, and compassion you would a child. See if you can allow yourself to simply grieve your beloved’s passing, without the additional hardship of beating yourself up.

I know what it’s like to feel guilt associated with the passing of an animal companion. I wish you all the strength in the world. Big hugs

Thank you everyone...your responses have been so helpful. My husband and I laid him to rest today. Buried him at my parents' house where he spent the first 5 years of his life because that is where I lived at the time. I believe I got some closure and it does help. My husband and I cried together and said some last words. Just hard to believe he is not around anymore, I keep looking for him. He was with me nearly half of my life. He loved my husband and I so much and we gave him so much love and attention in return. I have many pictures and videos from over the years and that makes me happy knowing I will never forget him. I have another cat who is 7 years old and seems unaffected by this other than he has not left my side. I think he can sense I am upset and he helps to comfort me. I am 5 months pregnant and I am trying to stay strong and take care of myself for my baby. I really appreciate all the kind words...I guess I was not prepared for how hard it was going to be.