I want to distance myself from my mother but I don't know if that's fair

For those following me, my mother moved in with me because she was unemployed and couldn't afford a place to live. She lived with me and my girlfriend for 1.5 years. She reached an age where she was able to take her 401k savings out without a tax penalty and she found a job + apartment. So she moved out to rent a bedroom in someone's house. She kept the job for a month and quit. She acknowledged that she quit at least partly because of some internal emotional struggles she has.

With that summary, I've never enjoyed spending too much time with her. I moved away from her 15+ years ago. It was needed. Now she lives in the same city as me and I sort of resent it. I feel guilty and selfish. I suspect I need to be able to help take care of her eventually but I'm certainly not interested in doing anything further right now. She's 58. I'm also just not interested in even really talking to her much. I'm not angry at her about anything. She just has a terrible habit of just being negative, depressed, anxious, and scared. It's exhausting talking to her.

I want to figure out how to have a new distance with her. It was MUCH easier when we lived in different states. I've been called out before for being an ungrateful son so if you feel that way, go ahead and say so. I do question whether or not my response is "fair".

For the most part there was always distance between her and I since I was a child. I was a latchkey kid. I didn't see her a whole lot because she had to work and soon as I became a teen she absolutely chose to spend little time with me. My life as a teen came with many days alone--she would leave town; stay with a boyfriend. So I never felt we grew close. I just don't have a strong emotional need to spend much time with her.

Now that I spent a 1.5 years with her daily, I realize she's hard to be around. She's easily anxious, uncomfortable, and defensive.

So am I wrong to seek distance? If not, suggestions on how to facilitate that? She just called me, at 11pm, to ask if she can crash at my apartment because she didn't want to pay an extra 20 dollars to take a cab to her new place. I found her request annoying. I told her it's not much money. She went ahead and got a cab but I suspect she'll resent me for not allowing her to crash at my apartment.

How do I deal with establishing this distance?

Part of the reason I REALLY didn't want her to crash here is because if she's concerned with money... she shouldn't have quit her job. I sort of want her to deal with consequences of that. I just need her to deal with her sh1t on her own. I'm not sure if I'm being ungrateful or mean.

Your thoughts?

A lot of people have trouble with their mothers. You have to find something that works for both of you.

A lot of people have trouble with their mothers. You have to find something that works for both of you.

Okay but I'm not sure how to ask what is an appropriate amount of distance. Are you suggesting I need to let her know and discuss it with her?

Oscuro,

I can relate in a general way to your post. My advice is absolutely let her know and discuss it with her. I mean everything - your feelings about her attitude and outlook on life, her quitting her job, your not feeling close to her. I think that even your asking these questions here and your own guilt indicate that you DO appreciate your mother and love her. But you just don't get along with her. But maybe, if you can redefine the boundaries and content of your relationship you could actually find yourself liking each other more.

The truth is, many parent/child relationships aren't perfect (many are downright terrible). The beautiful thing is that as an adult, you get to have a different relationship with her if you wish. Personally, my father wasn't a great parent in many respects (absentee mostly). When I was 24 I had a very pointed discussion with him about what I felt had been wrong in the past and how he was now. Now we have an excellent relationship as friends and peers, more than as father and son.

I can see after proof-reading that this answer is a bit rambling - hopefully the spirit got through.

Good luck,

T

Sorry to hear this, she sounds draining and manipulative. Is she widowed or disabled? Does she have other family around. The best thing you can do is stop allowing her to dump on you and cut it short with suggestions such as "Why don't you get another job? or Why don't you start dating? or Why don't you get a pet? or Why not make an appt with the doctor? or Why not go out with your friends?" etc etc. Expect a lot of help rejecting complaining from this type of personality. Don't argue or accept blaming, guilt-tripping, etc., just redirect. In other words redirect the responsibility of her life to her rather than this emotion dumping.

She just has a terrible habit of just being negative, depressed, anxious, and scared. It's exhausting talking to her. I just need her to deal with her sh1t on her own.

Besides the one phone call you mention, does she call you daily? If it were me, I probably would have let the voice mail pick up. You could've heard that it wasn't an emergency, and not called her back. And if she mentioned it later, say you'd already fallen asleep. If she calls you every day to chat, I'd tell her: I'm not a telephone person. Let's do this once a week on Sundays. I'd probably limit outings with her on her birthday, and maybe twice more during the year, say every four or five months. In that way, you can have your obligations set, but not more often than you choose. Maybe she wanted to come over because she wants time with you, and can feel you're not enjoying it, and so imposes it anyway. Maybe if you do the asking for social outings now and then, she will stop the unusual requests.

And if she starts whining in your presence etc., you can cut the visit short. She might learn that her behavior is the cause of losing your company.

If she is overstepping bounds, call her out on it and set boundaries. If she gets mad, oh well. There are articles and books on setting boundaries with people, so reading some might give you good advice. Good luck.

It's not about what's "fair" so much as it is about what is healthy. It sounds like distance and limited interaction is what you need from her, so you can either try to create that naturally (spacing out phone calls/not always being available/implementing a no 'drop in' policy) or you can sit down and have a conversation with her about it. The natural route is going to be less drama, but may or may not work, depending on how much she tries to communicate with you.

At the very least, I'd work on setting some firm boundaries:

No drop-ins (showing up unannounced/without extended invitation)

Phone calls limited to emergencies (a weekly "catch-up" convo could be scheduled)

Etc.

Things specific to your situation that are draining on you - take control and ask her to respect the boundaries that you feel are appropriate for your well-being. Don't entertain negativity in response to you doing this for yourself.

If you frame this in terms of setting up proper boundaries instead of distancing, it will make more sense, feel less bad and you can take some reasonable concrete actions to create boundaries.

Boundaries can require you to be active. Meaning that instead of ignoring your mother until she starts inviting herself over in odd ways. Set up a dinner with mom on Wednesdays or some such. This way you are creating a situation where she feels cared about, has her chance to talk, spend time with you, whine if she wants to, etc., but for you it's a boundary in that you've limited your exposure to her and her issues to only a couple of hours per week.

Other than that, going by your previous posts, sounds like your mother needs medical attention. She has worked all her life and has been capable of maintaining herself just fine. Something has changed pretty dramatically and fairly recently in that department. You keep pointing out that she is only 58. Hate to tell you this, but she isn't too young to be experiencing the first stages of dementia or alzheimer's, etc. Don't count on this idea that you will need to support her eventually when she is really old. Consider that you will need to take care of her sooner than you are anticipating.

Distance is appropriate and healthy, and not just for you. Frame it as protecting your relationship and family goals with your partner, and it makes no sense to take on an able dependant. If you're able to move further away, I'd start there. When Mom rails at you and calls you selfish, tell her that you recognize manipulation when you see it, and she's welcome to contact you if she ever feels differently and is willing to have a relationship with you from a healthy distance. Research a list of social services, speak with them and make a list of resources for Mom to work with on her own.

Head high, and hopefully you'll stumble across resources that can help YOU establish your goals and implement them without accepting the drain of an inappropriate but otherwise healthy parent.

Update:

So there's been a few weeks of more distance. At least compared to when she lived with me and my gf for 1.5 years. The next thing is this: I don't want to help her in the way SHE wants. I want to help her in the way I WANT.

My mother quit a job a month ago for reasons that are not great but partly because she deals with a lot of emotional problems. She could move back to her hometown where it's very affordable and she has more family around (I'm an only child in a city with no family). She is nearly refusing to do that.

In the meantime she wants help. She needs help and it revolves around two issues: she now lives in a major, expensive, metropolitan city where I am; and she quit a job she had. I feel bad for her but I also feel anger. I want to figure out how to draw a line with her so that she convinces herself to pack her bags and move back to her affordable hometown.

She's living off of a savings right now and I'm trying to NOT give her rides to places; I'm definitely not trying to see her much; and it's partly so that she realizes she needs to do the right thing. Either she needs to go back and get a job so that she can support herself better OR she needs to move to a cheaper city.

I feel guilty again and I feel resentful that she's put me in this situation. She ABSOLUTELY wants people to feel bad for her and I am resentful.

Your thoughts? I still question if my behaviour is appropriate.

Tell her you will not support her. She can quit her job if she wants but if she can't afford to live there that is her problem.

She can't rely on you to cover her @ss and then come to a decision to quit her job on her own and expect you to make it work out.

I have a lot of boundaries set with both mine and my wife's parents because they tend to overstep their bounds.

You don't need to even sit down and talk with her in the context of "working it out".

She isn't your gf, she is your mom. You don't need to work on having a great day to day relationship.

I wouldn't sit down and talk it out. I would just start saying "no".

I think a lot of your issues are from your inability to say no.

Well, yeah I may be unable to say "no" mostly because it's all very new to me. I hadn't lived around her for 15 years up until 2 years ago. This dynamic is completely new. And I am confronting guilt and I'm realizing it's similar to how she behaved when I lived with her as a child.

I'm leaning towards your explanation. A strong part of me has felt that I don't need to explain things to her. It should be evident. It's just such a new dynamic. I'm learning more about her that I hadn't had to deal with for a long time.

Thanks.

Read up victim mentality it will shed some light and why they do it (it pays off, as you can see) and how to handle it. Here's an article: Strategies to Deal with a Victim Mentality

She ABSOLUTELY wants people to feel bad for her and I am resentful.

Your boundaries remain the same. She's an able-bodied adult who put herself into this situation.

Read up victim mentality it will shed some light and why they do it (it pays off, as you can see) and how to handle it. Here's an article: Strategies to Deal with a Victim Mentality

Thank you. I hadn't quite thought of that. I will maybe pull back and say MAYBE she doesn't want people to feel bad for her but her behaviour revolves around her being a victim to the world. She'll talk about everything bad that has ever happened to her for as long as anyone will listen. She's also paranoid that anyone at any moment is trying to hurt her.

I probably need to learn a lot about this "victim mentality" issue.

If you frame this in terms of setting up proper boundaries instead of distancing, it will make more sense, feel less bad and you can take some reasonable concrete actions to create boundaries.

 

Boundaries can require you to be active. Meaning that instead of ignoring your mother until she starts inviting herself over in odd ways. Set up a dinner with mom on Wednesdays or some such. This way you are creating a situation where she feels cared about, has her chance to talk, spend time with you, whine if she wants to, etc., but for you it's a boundary in that you've limited your exposure to her and her issues to only a couple of hours per week.

 

Other than that, going by your previous posts, sounds like your mother needs medical attention. She has worked all her life and has been capable of maintaining herself just fine. Something has changed pretty dramatically and fairly recently in that department. You keep pointing out that she is only 58. Hate to tell you this, but she isn't too young to be experiencing the first stages of dementia or alzheimer's, etc. Don't count on this idea that you will need to support her eventually when she is really old. Consider that you will need to take care of her sooner than you are anticipating.

I totally agree with this. If you keep brushing someone off, it does not work well.

I would set up where every Wednesday night or sunday afternoon or whatever day - that's the day you either take mom out for dinner or cook with her at her house, or take her to someplace that she wants to go --- lunch and shopping, an outing to the local high school production - something. And if let's say your day is sundays with mom or tuesdays, and its the day before and mom needing something, "Thanks for telling me mom, I'll be happy to pick that up when i see you on ___day". Obviously there ARE emergencies that you should respond to - mom was taken to the hospital by a neighbor -- she legit needs help with someone that a son would do if his mom was able bodied but was not strong enough to do something (ie, get up on the ladder to help her hang something heavy) on your day with mom. If the boundaries are going good you can always switch things up.

This way, you never have the guilt of neglecting mom and she can never say you do.

Also, your mom has been with you every day for 1.5 years -- maybe some sort of wind down period where you see her twice a week for a bit.

At any rate -- i also think its unfair to punish mom for you being a latchkey kid. If she was a single mom, she had to work to support you and had little choice in the matter. As far as the boyfirend thing - i wish some other posters would read your post when they are talking abotu sneaking boyfriends in or sneaking out with boyfriends when they hardly see the kids anyhow.