Just broke up with my Bi-polar girlfriend

I know it was for the best,, it's been months of lies, being let down, and the lies just wore down the trust.

I just turned 46, she is 40, and really did like this girl, somewhere in there she has a good heart.

She takes a heavy dose of Seroquel,, will sleep for 16 hours on end, and literally lives a few blocks away, yet always had reasons to not see me.

Deep down inside, I never felt this girl really went out of her way to make an effort.

It's best for both of us, I deleted her number........

She totally blew off my birthday, despite all kinds of promises, and promises she would change and things never did.

Why do I feel so bad? I won't hear from her because she has such a narccisstic personality, nothing was her fault.

I will miss her, but the damage is done,,,,,,,

I know it was best for both of us, and at times we had fun......but the guilt is killing me right now.

as a side note, she made no effort, when it was clear things were going bad tonight.

Do i give her time, hope she changes, walk away with what little dignity I have left......just confused

Yeah, you do realize that she is being heavily sedated, don't you? In fact the primary use of Seroquel is to control elderly people with dementia! You're asking her to do things that I doubt that she can do herself. Look at this quote from WebMD: "Seroquel (Serequil) is one of the most sedating of all antipsychotic medicines."

Now, I can understand if you can't deal with someone who is mentally ill. And you definitely have the right to walk away from such a relationship. But the things that you're blaming her for are probably because of the medication and being bipolar.

For example, you're blaming her for blowing off your birthday. Did she even remember it was your birthday? You're saying she always has a reason not to see you, do you not believe that the drug and the disease is quite literally knocking the hell out of her? You say she never made an effort, is she even capable of making an effort on this drug or when she's depressed? You say she promised to change, but how can you expect her to change when she's on a drug that's designed to mellow someone out to the point of knocking you out for 16 hours?

It sounds like you ignored the fact that she was bipolar and expected her to act like a normal person. You can have a relationship with her, but you have to take full control, especially during her down days. She needs support, someone who can sit with her and hold her hand when she's having problems. You have to plan the dates. You have to take her out to celebrate your birthday. Don't expect her to remember things. You don't blame her if she forgot something or comes up with an excuse for not doing something. You don't wait for her to contact you. You need to keep in constant contact with her.

Since you only live a few blocks away, why can't you go over to her apartment each night and sit with her? Why can't you cheer her up and get her out in the sun and the fresh air?

Look, my friend. She's not going to change. But you shouldn't be confused by all this. She has a disease and she's being heavily medicated. But blaming her for the way she is is like asking why someone who's handicapped why they just can't get out of their wheelchair and walk.

Like I said, don't have any guilt if you're not able to deal with this. But at least know the reason for doing what you're doing.

I appreciate the post......1st, she has never invited me to her place in 6 months, even being on the porch of her place. I also wasn't aware of her issues until a few months in, and I supported her to the best of my ability.

The birthday, she said to be ready for 6, and never came. I'm also aware of being handicapped, as my spine is a pile of metal due to a roadside bomb, but I offered to go to counseling with her because she doesn't go......and that went nowhere.

I do care deeply about her, but I do think it's best for her if I disappear. Does she have a disease? Yes! and thats why I feel guilt

 

Do i give her time, hope she changes, walk away with what little dignity I have left......just confused

No, you do not give her time. People can change, but on their own schedule, and own their own terms. Never, never have the expectation someone will change. Especially if they say they will change for you. Don't be confused. It's normal to feel sad and let down. But make no mistake, you are heading in the right direction.

Agree with DanZee, it's not "her" per se, it's her "illness" combined with a very strong and intense type of medication.

Seroquel is an "antipsychotic" and while it does treat those with Bipolar 1 (very severe cases) it's mostly prescribed for those with schizophrenia and psychosis, disconnected from reality. And as DZ said, those suffering from dementia.

So it appears her illness is extremely severe, combined with the meds, it would be nearly impossible to have a functioning healthy relationship with such person.

I say nearly because the "healthy" person involved would have to function as more of a caretaker, emotionally.

The level of support and understanding needed is more than most people can handle, the frustration is just too overwhelming.

Which it sounds like what is happening to you now.

Don't disparage her for her behavior, again it's her illness.

Think well of her, she is doing the best she can under the circumstances.

If you cant deal, then end it, but, for your own sake moving forward, it's best you not place the "blame" on her, deeming her selfish for missing your birthday for example or whatever.

Exercise some empathy, and wish her well.

I wonder if anyone would be offended if the title was: I just broke up with my black girlfriend.

Bi-polar, narcissist, whatever. You chose her, you chose to date her, that means all of her.

She's such a bad person but you're on here ranting about what she hasn't done for you, labeling her, completely ignoring the legitimate reasons she probably has for acting the way she does.

I think it's only fair you take some responsibility for your part.

Good luck.

Sorry to hear this. You did all the right things, even though it was difficult. To honest she's not in a state to have a relationship. She's on atypical antipsychotics for serious mood disorders. These have the side effects you describe such as excessive somnolence and sedation. And while it may be managed to some degree, it sounds like there are only glimmers of normalcy here.

She takes a heavy dose of Seroquel,, will sleep for 16 hours on end, and literally lives a few blocks away, yet always had reasons to not see me.

I wonder if anyone would be offended if the title was: I just broke up with my black girlfriend.

 

Bi-polar, narcissist, whatever. You chose her, you chose to date her, that means all of her.

 

She's such a bad person but you're on here ranting about what she hasn't done for you, labeling her, completely ignoring the legitimate reasons she probably has for acting the way she does.

 

I think it's only fair you take some responsibility for your part.

 

Good luck.

An ethnicity in and of itself is not going to change the dynamic of a relationship. It is also apparent the first time you see each other.

A mental illness is going to drastically affect any relationship a person is in. He was also not aware of it to begin with. I am sure that she also hid many aspects of it too.

Don't put this guy in the same category as some racist who refuses to date someone because their ethnicity.

People go into a relationship hopeful and you can't demonize them for trying to overcome a mental illness but not being able too.

To the OP. You tried and it didn't work. Don't try to fix her because that never works. NC and move on.

Don't beat yourself up over it.

Comparing ethnicities to mental illnesses is a pretty big leap.

 

An ethnicity in and of itself is not going to change the dynamic of a relationship. It is also apparent the first time you see each other.

 

A mental illness is going to drastically affect any relationship a person is in. He was also not aware of it to begin with. I am sure that she also hid many aspects of it too.

 

Don't put this guy in the same category as some racist who refuses to date someone because their ethnicity.

 

People go into a relationship hopeful and you can't demonize them for trying to overcome a mental illness but not being able too.

 

 

 

To the OP. You tried and it didn't work. Don't try to fix her because that never works. NC and move on.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it.

Whoa! That was a big a** leap. Never accused him of being a racist. My comparison was to point out the automatic labeling. It's as unnecessary as pointing out someone's race in my eyes. She is who she is.

From the sounds of it, he's known for a while, the whole dating process is to get to know a person and to decide if they are right for you, he figured out her diagnosis is a hinderance to how he would like his relationships to be. Own that and choose to walk away. Dont blame her for being who she is.

You either accept her or you don't.

'She blew off my birthday'

'She won't contact me cause she's a narcissist'

That's not acceptance, that's anger and blame.

It’s hard to get over because your brain is still working on all the sweet, wonderful things you saw in the beginning.

Personality disorders aren’t easy to see in the beginning, so you went into this with hope and enjoyment. Only after a while were you able to see that she is really not in a position to be in a relationship with anyone.

It’s like any medical condition that can’t be seen at first. Once it’s properly diagnosed, there’s an aha! moment, and we can decide the best course of action. This is truly a chemical imbalance in her brain, like any personality disorder.

Best thing to do is wish her well as you both move on from this.

Whoa! That was a big a** leap. Never accused him of being a racist. My comparison was to point out the automatic labeling. It's as unnecessary as pointing out someone's race in my eyes. She is who she is.

 

From the sounds of it, he's known for a while, the whole dating process is to get to know a person and to decide if they are right for you, he figured out her diagnosis is a hinderance to how he would like his relationships to be. Own that and choose to walk away. Dont blame her for being who she is.

 

You either accept her or you don't.

 

'She blew off my birthday'

 

'She won't contact me cause she's a narcissist'

 

That's not acceptance, that's anger and blame.

I typically read your posts very differently than you intent...

I didn't mean that you called him racist I ment you implied what he was doing was the same. I wasn't clear with it.

It’s hard to get over because your brain is still working on all the sweet, wonderful things you saw in the beginning.

 

Personality disorders aren’t easy to see in the beginning, so you went into this with hope and enjoyment. Only after a while were you able to see that she is really not in a position to be in a relationship with anyone.

 

It’s like any medical condition that can’t be seen at first. Once it’s properly diagnosed, there’s an aha! moment, and we can decide the best course of action. This is truly a chemical imbalance in her brain, like any personality disorder.

 

Best thing to do is wish her well as you both move on from this.

She's not suffering from a "personality disorder."

Narcissism is a personality disorder, she is not a narcissist. Doctors don't prescribe meds, especially antipsychotics for those suffering from personality disorders.

She suffers from a "mental illness", or a "mood disorder" a very severe one.

I dunno, I just think it's an important distinction.

I personally think her dose is too high for her body. She should be seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly who can make necessary adjustments to her meds. Anyway you did what is best for you, love isn't easy to find really but it sounds like a one sided love if she forgot your birthday.

I see what you mean. I just read it very differently.

 

I typically read your posts very differently than you intent...

 

I didn't mean that you called him racist I ment you implied what he was doing was the same. I wasn't clear with it.

Ah gotcha, no harm, no foul.

She's not suffering from a "personality disorder."

 

Narcissism is a personality disorder, she is not a narcissist. Doctors don't prescribe meds, especially antipsychotics for those suffering from personality disorders.

 

She suffers from a "mental illness", or a "mood disorder" a very severe one.

 

I dunno, I just think it's an important distinction.

I’m not a psychiatrist, I’m just a nice girl trying to offer my opinion. If you are one, I’m sorry if I offended!

I do believe NPD is in the DSM, but I could be wrong.

In any event, this girl isn’t in a position for a relationship, so please hold your head up high and know that there is nothing you could have done to make this work.

I’m not a psychiatrist, I’m just a nice girl trying to offer my opinion. If you are one, I’m sorry if I offended!

 

I do believe NPD is in the DSM, but I could be wrong.

 

In any event, this girl isn’t in a position for a relationship, so please hold your head up high and know that there is nothing you could have done to make this work.

I am not a psychiatrist either, just a girl who suffers from Bipolar2 (not as severe as 1), a mood disorder.

Not on meds, I manage with diet and exercise.

From what my doctors have explained to me, and what I've read, there is a clear distinction between personality disorders and mental illness/mood disorders, but what do they know, they're just doctors.

I am sorry I mentioned it, nevermind.

This is about OP and his gf, not personality disorders versus mental illness.

There is a lot of contradictory information about both anyway.

I am not a psychiatrist either, just a girl who suffers from Bipolar2 (not as severe as 1), a mood disorder.

 

Not on meds, I manage with diet and exercise.

 

From what my doctors have explained to me, and what I've read, there is a clear distinction between personality disorders and mental illness/mood disorders, but what do they know, they're just doctors.

 

I am sorry I mentioned it, nevermind.

 

This is about OP and his gf, not personality disorders versus mental illness.

 

There is a lot of contradictory information about both anyway.

No, I'm glad you mentioned it. As I said, I'm not a medical professional, so it's all just my opinion. I appreciate the clarification.

First of all, I thought the bi-polar diagnosis and meds were an important part of the backround. I wasn't aware at the beginning, but when I found out, I was patient, I never brought it up to her or blamed her for anything.

I would like to know how being told to be ready at a certain time, and then no one shows up is anger on my behalf......heartbreak maybe, but never anger.

She is the 1st person to admit she suffers from NPD, if her daily Facebook pic doesn't get a certain number of likes, she gets mad, so no I didn't just decide she had that also, that was from her mouth.

I was patient, kind and very loving. The lies were over small stuff, until it finally turned into her bank card was hacked and needed money for Christmas (which I did give her, so she could get presents for people), and she later admitted that was a lie also.

So I'm the bad guy, although I was looking for advice on a situation......yes I think breaking up with your girlfriend, to breaking up with someone diagnosed as bi-polar is a different situation.

Bi-polar doesn't just touch the person that has it, it also touches people in their lives.

Do I feel guilty, 100% yes that I couldn't do more.......and for whomever said I wasn't being understanding, I lost my lower leg and my back is full of metal rods, and screws from a IED in Afghanistan, which she has called me a cripple twice, the last time was when I had enough.

Don't assume I was an . I gave that girl all the love and patience I could.

and if was up to me, I'd still be with her.....but it was 1 step forward and 2 back

Do I feel guilty, 100% yes that I couldn't do more.......and for whomever said I wasn't being understanding, I lost my lower leg and my back is full of metal rods, and screws from a IED in Afghanistan, which she has called me a cripple twice, the last time was when I had enough.

Well first of all, thank you so much for your service.

And yes, leaving a situation like this is often 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Grief is not linear, it's more like the stock market. Forward, forward, forward, back, back, forward.

She isn't healthy for you to be with, and if you can figure out what it is in you that is keeping you bound to her (childhood issues, trauma-bonding, PTSD), then you can begin to heal it. It's like a huge open wound, and once you are able to understand it, you will be able to heal, and that will allow you to ultimately move on and find a nice, warm, loving partner.

I appreciate the post......1st, she has never invited me to her place in 6 months, even being on the porch of her place. I also wasn't aware of her issues until a few months in, and I supported her to the best of my ability.

 

The birthday, she said to be ready for 6, and never came. I'm also aware of being handicapped, as my spine is a pile of metal due to a roadside bomb, but I offered to go to counseling with her because she doesn't go......and that went nowhere.

 

I do care deeply about her, but I do think it's best for her if I disappear. Does she have a disease? Yes! and thats why I feel guilt

Don't feel guilt. She's in no place mentally or physically at the moment to be in any kind of romantic relationship and it's certainly not your responsibility to be her caregiver. You've known her six months and you are smart enough to know yourself and that you can't handle someone with her situation. That is being smart so ditch the guilt and get on with your dating life. She survived before you and she will survive after you're gone.

I know that sounds callous but it is what it is. You are not obligated to be responsible to her in any way.

That being said, if you got introduced to any of her family you may want to tell them that they should try to encourage her to be honest with her psychiatrist in that its likely that her medication is causing her to be what appears to be too sedated. Then make that the end of all contact to her or her family.

Don't feel guilt. She's in no place mentally or physically at the moment to be in any kind of romantic relationship and it's certainly not your responsibility to be her caregiver. You've known her six months and you are smart enough to know yourself and that you can't handle someone with her situation. That is being smart so ditch the guilt and get on with your dating life. She survived before you and she will survive after you're gone.

 

I know that sounds callous but it is what it is. You are not obligated to be responsible to her in any way.

 

That being said, if you got introduced to any of her family you may want to tell them that they should try to encourage her to be honest with her psychiatrist in that its likely that her medication is causing her to be what appears to be too sedated. Then make that the end of all contact to her or her family.

Yes, at Thanksgiving, 2 sisters are RN's and one is a nurse practitioner, she works in a hospital also, not as a nurse though......so I find it hard to believe they don't notice. I met them before I knew of all the meds

OP, it could very well be that she really does need to be that sedated or else things with her would be so much worse. From what you say, it sounds like her issues are multiple and severe. Like it or not, she is not fit to be in any kind of a relationship and that's not on you. You can't fix that and there is nothing to feel guilty about. Quite the opposite, leaving her frees her to focus more on her mental health and what she really needs to do to get a handle on that. Being in a relationship, can actually be detrimental.

It actually concerns me a bit that you would choose to be with her still. You definitely need to examine what is attracting you to extreme dysfunction. There are people who suffer from mental illness, however, they also are extremely responsible with that, take their meds, see doctors regularly, go to therapy and basically do absolutely everything to have a good handle on that and be a functioning person and a good partner. This woman isn't that.

First of all, I thought the bi-polar diagnosis and meds were an important part of the backround. I wasn't aware at the beginning, but when I found out, I was patient, I never brought it up to her or blamed her for anything.

 

I would like to know how being told to be ready at a certain time, and then no one shows up is anger on my behalf......heartbreak maybe, but never anger.

 

She is the 1st person to admit she suffers from NPD, if her daily Facebook pic doesn't get a certain number of likes, she gets mad, so no I didn't just decide she had that also, that was from her mouth.

 

I was patient, kind and very loving. The lies were over small stuff, until it finally turned into her bank card was hacked and needed money for Christmas (which I did give her, so she could get presents for people), and she later admitted that was a lie also.

 

So I'm the bad guy, although I was looking for advice on a situation......yes I think breaking up with your girlfriend, to breaking up with someone diagnosed as bi-polar is a different situation.

 

Bi-polar doesn't just touch the person that has it, it also touches people in their lives.

 

Do I feel guilty, 100% yes that I couldn't do more.......and for whomever said I wasn't being understanding, I lost my lower leg and my back is full of metal rods, and screws from a IED in Afghanistan, which she has called me a cripple twice, the last time was when I had enough.

 

Don't assume I was an . I gave that girl all the love and patience I could.

and if was up to me, I'd still be with her.....but it was 1 step forward and 2 back

This is my point. For whatever reason you chose to dive in and put your everything into a short term relationship . She was, by your discription, a bad girlfriend. Whether it was because of her bipolar or not is irrelevant. The reason I say it's irrelevant is because you aren't taking the time to recognize her actions may be directly correlated to her diagnosis, so why brings it up?

Youre hurt, upset and in my eyes angry. Ok, completely understandable, maybe you're just trying to vent, again completely understandable. You were a bad match and it's best you two separated. It's going to hurt for a bit but if you choose to actively move on you'll be ok. As another poster mentioned, I honestly think it will serve your healing better to not focus on her actions, but why you accepted it and put your all into something before you even really knew her. Were you maybe attracted to the chaos? Own your part. It's not an accusation, it's something that will help you.

Do I feel guilty