My soon to be step sons mother

Hi I'm really trying to hold it together & be the better paerson & turn the other cheek.. But it is really getiing harder to do.. Allow me to explain please..

I have been with my fiancee for 3 years now, & I knew in the beginning he has a son. Considering I was rasied in a mix family & was taught if your wiht someone who has kids they are to be treated equal & treat them as you would your own...With that said I knew he has a son & in the beginning when he first mentioned his childs mother & their relationship, I was happy. Because if 2 people can come to a civil agreement & be friends while co parenting that's pretty amazing. So I went in with a positive attitude. & he had told me she had gotten along with his ex before me so there shouldn't be any issues....Well Tbh that didn't last very long.The first time hit the fan...see His son has some behavioral issues, which some i am familiar with because i have a son with behavioral issues so i thought cool i can relate to this boy...Which in turn my fiancee seen i knew how to handle & talk to a child like his so he asked for help & advice.. I felt very proud & welcomed.. & it didn't think to cross my mind to ask his mother first. opitmistic me thought she would probably be thankful..anyhoo, it didn't go over very well. she was offended & i didn't find out thru her i found out thru my fiance. well then there started to be issues with me watching him while my fiancee worked. which as a parent i can understand because she didn't know me. so yes i did offer to meet her or talk to her because i as a parent respected that..my fiancess answer was i trust you & she knows i would never put my son in danger she will be okay and if i remember right she didn't want to meet me...well then things calmed down. then i noticed how she texted him she would sound matter of fact or demanding not asking him to do things but like making them a request & like expecting him to follow thru & he tought to keep the peace he had to. I did't like it. I told him that is not right.. you 2 are no longer together, she has no right to treat you that way & i thought you all was friends? friends don't do that. you need to stand up for your self.. he wanted me to help him so i did well that didn't go over to well... she obviously knew he was gwtting help by his changing.. she started texting him things like "oh i forgot your home you cant talk to me" when ive never came between his communication with his sons mother i just wanted him to stand up for his self & the fact im his woman he doens't have to always hurry up & answer her to avoid making her mad unless it was an emergency about his son & that was for example... & it seemed the more i tried to help him stand up the harder & more she lashed out about me...then things calmed down again & mind you i had only really seen this woman 1 time in person & just said hi.other than that Nothing else...& I do know 1 of his first mistakes was going to her when he & I had our first big fight,..I felt it gave her more ammo so to speak with the way things was going with her

& I had already looked up adivce & have Already done everything advised. I have let him handle her & not communicated with her except 1 time thru a letter....& I have kept my mputh shut when his son is around about her...& I have even ignore all her tactics to make me look bad weather it was the back ground check she had done on me then lied to his son & him about what was on it..I ignored the fact she told his son everything everytime she had an agrument with him which she shouldn't have done children do not need to knkow everything when their parents aruge..

now its going on 3 years & still this woman shuns me & tries to kep me out of the loop involving his son who i watch when we have him while my fiancee is at work. I really don't have much problems out of the boy, he actually tends to tell me the truth bout things instead of lying ot me like he does his mom or dad...

I don't know what to do..hes been in trouble with the law now & with drugs hes 13 now & al i want to do is help him & get him on the right path..But now shes saying hes not supervised properly because he keeps getting into trouble here.. but if the boy wouldnt lie & steal from us he wouldn't get in trouble & he isn't my child so i cant dicipline him like i know he needs to be diciplined & i am not talking about spanking which at times he needs it.. but because of his mother i dont do it...

what to do when oyu've done everything & this woman wil still not stop trying to throw curve balls int o my relationship with my fiancee...

Well, obviously she enjoys wielding power over her ex and is trying to break the two of you up. You must be a saint to put up with all of this. I'm guessing your big argument with your boyfriend involved telling him to stand up to his ex and it didn't work.

There's really nothing you can do especially since your ex filters all communications with his ex through him. All you can do is smile and remain upbeat. Try to support your bf through all of this and give him as much help as you can.

Well, obviously she enjoys wielding power over her ex and is trying to break the two of you up. You must be a saint to put up with all of this. I'm guessing your big argument with your boyfriend involved telling him to stand up to his ex and it didn't work.

 

There's really nothing you can do especially since your ex filters all communications with his ex through him. All you can do is smile and remain upbeat. Try to support your bf through all of this and give him as much help as you can.

My Reply: well to be honest i didnt want to get in the middle of it when he made it all sound like they got along well...but when i noticed how she treated him & how ahe related every argument they had to their son, i found her veru disturbed. & no the bug fight was personal..but like the saying goes when there is trouble its hard to let go of "old faithful" & now he has..but she just won't stop & continues to try & prevent me from being involved with the kids life besides watching him when we hae him while his dads at work....but ty for your reply.. im just tired of turning the other cheek..I want to tell her about her self in a nice & kind way..but i have a feeling that will only create more static..& i have been supporting him but i wont let him or our relationship get stepped on..just to keep the peace with this lady

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it's all about boundaries. She is the child's mother, not you. Also whatever type or style of communication he has with her is between them and you should not try to influence that. Why are you watching his son? There should be a better custody/visitation schedule where he has is son when he's not working. Sadly, she is not the problem, your bf is. It would be best to butt out. Let the rightful mother and his father address the boys issues.

well then there started to be issues with me watching him while my fiancee worked. i noticed how she texted him she would sound matter of fact or demanding not asking him to do things but like making them a request & like expecting him to follow thru & he tought to keep the peace he had to. I did't like it. if the boy wouldnt lie & steal from us he wouldn't get in trouble & he isn't my child so i cant dicipline him like i know he needs to be diciplined & i am not talking about spanking which at times he needs it.

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it's all about boundaries. She is the child's mother, not you. Also whatever type or style of communication he has with her is between them and you should not try to influence that. Why are you watching his son? There should be a better custody/visitation schedule where he has is son when he's not working. Sadly, she is not the problem, your bf is. It would be best to butt out. Let the rightful mother and his father address the boys issues.

Yes it is, & I appreciate your words & thoughts.. But I'm sorry I will influence my fiancee to be a better person, that is one of the key things in a relationship is to help each other & build each other up for the better. He actually thought it was okay for her to speak that way & be demanding of him that way.. Your male I presume? if you was in that situation would you allow an ex to quote un quote boss you around? AN as far as the child goes I see your point there as well, but since I am going to be this childs step mom, my up bringing & beliefs are you treat the child like your own if not equally like you do your own, are because your marrying a package deal & my friend is one of the roles as a step parent to be there for the child to nurture and help them....if i may say so.. thank you

I think you all need professional help, since what everyone is doing is not working. I'd suggest, at minimum, getting counseling for his son since he's doing drugs and stealing, on a clear path of destruction, if he doesn't receive that kind of guidance now. Spanking does nothing but tell a child that you handle problems through violence.

Suggest family counseling, and I think the court system offers mediation services between divorced couples.

And how are your own children being affected by all of this emotional drama? You need to ask if this is so unhealthy for you and your children, that if your fiance doesn't have a spine to create boundaries, you might consider it's best to walk away.

Well I didn't mean spanking in that sense I meant when he was younger I was informed by more than one person that when his father use to try to teach him right from wrong while he was younger his mother would always take up for him & this I have seen & heard myself because when ever his father tries to tell Mom hey he's doing a b or c she's quick it make excuses or act like the father is making it up or that not... & The child has been to counseling he goes to an alternative school now that provides counseling there as well.... He's been thru intervention program thru juvenile probation but is still continuingly going down the same path & now claiming to be In some sort if blood gang which from what I heard is very bad but he's not in one he thinks it's cool to act like he's in one.... & Unfortunately like I said the mother which I understand to a degree is over protective.. but there is a such thing as being to protective & it becoming a hinderence to a child. & With my children they are with their father for the school year we alternate every other year since we are in the same city... & She is yet to see this side of him being worse because last year he was sneeking around doing now this year he is doing it openly & publicly... & I'll admit he needs a spine & in so many ways I've helped him have one because as most people know when you've been in an emotionally abusive relationship you some times have to learn how to stand up for your self all over again... & Thank you for you in put I appreciate it on & it is hard to be able to be involved with his therapy because she has made clear time over I am not to be involved with him like that. But I'm good enough to watch him while we have him when. His dad works...

He realizes this is his son's mother and he puts his own ego aside to keep the peace for his son's sake. No, people do no try to change or micromanage each other in healthy relationships.

I will influence my fiancee to be a better person, that is one of the key things in a relationship is to help each other & build each other up for the better. He actually thought it was okay for her to speak that way & be demanding of him that way.

Um I don't see how it is micromanaging when there is nothing wrong with helping your partner stand up for their selves especially if it is done in a healthy & positive way. & If you think that is some out of control or micromange well I'm sorry sir your wrong... Because, your suppose to help your partner for the better. & I've been there where I didn't have an ass or spine to back it up & one of my ex partners taught me don't let anyone treat you that way. You deserve respect especially if youve done nothing to the person. For them to treat you that way.... So your telling me if you had a spouse that his or her ex was bossing or coming across demanding you would t tell her hey he or she don't need to talk that way they can at least ask or politely let you know... In sorry but there is nothing wrong with helping someone stand you for their selves good day sir

Um I don't see how it is micromanaging when there is nothing wrong with helping your partner stand up for their selves especially if it is done in a healthy & positive way. & If you think that is some out of control or micromange well I'm sorry sir your wrong... Because, your suppose to help your partner for the better. & I've been there where I didn't have an ass or spine to back it up & one of my ex partners taught me don't let anyone treat you that way. You deserve respect especially if youve done nothing to the person. For them to treat you that way.... So your telling me if you had a spouse that his or her ex was bossing or coming across demanding you would t tell her hey he or she don't need to talk that way they can at least ask or politely let you know... In sorry but there is nothing wrong with helping someone stand you for their selves good day sir

You picked a person who doesn't stand up for himself. But who had a functioning relationship with his co-parent. Because -you- didn't like the way she texted him (why are you reading his phone anyway) you've made battle lines and made his life harder. You are getting in the middle of their choices about their child and are making things harder on all of you. You need to let them make there own choices. Even if you don't like them. Even if you think the choices they make are mistakes. You need to butt out.

You are right, your partner is a package deal. His kid and his kid's mother and his relationship with her, are going to be a part of your life. If you can't figure out how to respect that then you need to remove yourself.

Don't pick a partner that you think you can change into someone you respect. Pick someone you actually already respect. If you don't like the way he lets his ex treat him, and you don't like the way he's raising his son? It's not your job to change him. It's your job to date someone you actually like.

Did you not read the whole post? He had asked me to help. He would give me the phone & tell me please text it to her I don't know how to word this or that & that is how I found out she came across disrespectfully. So in turn helped him like He Asked me to. & I do respect this man. I ask for do not demand from him I dont act like his mother I treat him as an equal. & When I realized helping him was making things worse I Did back down & told him to handle it because I wasn't going to make anything worse. I was only trying to help him like he asked. Because from what him & his mom told me she has been at odds with him since he left her & he has always had issues with her with every woman he's dated since he has left her! He told me she gets along great with him when he's single but every time he gets involved with another woman she his ex started acting like a brute & treating him like he's a pos. I thought I would get positive feedback back from this post. Not to be put down for trying to help my partner become a better man & person good day to you dear thanks for your input tho...

Your issue is with your partner. Not with his ex. He's the one who had bad boundaries with her. And he wants you to fix it for him? You can't make him have a back bone. It's clear he's let her ruin relationships in the past. Of course he would love it if you fixed it for him. But that isn't your job and you trying to do it just upsets her more.

Why not just date a better man? Instead of trying to force this man to be better? He lets this happen with his ex. He drags you into the middle of it. If you want to stay with someone who has bad boundaries that negatively impact you, then you should get used to bowing out of these issues. It's his job to deal with his ex. It's his job to deal with his kid's issues. You "helping" him be better is just taking away his agency. He won't learn to stand up for himself because you -make- him. He's just trading one demanding woman for another.

I know this isn't what you want to hear. And I doubt you'll listen. But you are setting yourself up to either be with a pushover or push him over yourself. You don't respect him or his choices and that will lead to either you running roughshod over him or a bunch of bitter resentment. Or both!

Excuse me I know you mean well? But how am I not respecting him? I don't come at him with aggression or rage nor do I speak about his ex in a hateful manner. Tbh, I actually initially took up for at times when. He was disputing with her over certain issues because as a mother I could see her point....& With his son being my future step son. How is it I'm not held to help this kid as well? I mean being a step parent is like being a parent is it not? Your there for the kid & help him grow to become a young man who succeeds in life you become part of his support system. & About him & hid bad boundaries, yes I do see your point. But I myself have been in a toxic relationship & had a rough time turning myself around. & After realizing he has been hurt cheated on by this woman & dogged even when he was with her... After I fell in love I wanted to help lift him up & feel better about his self. Is that wrong? In a relationship your suppose to support each other & lift each other up are you not? & I don't really see what you mean by a "better" man? No one is perfect my dear & anyone who's had heartache in their lives isn't always going to be perfect after that.... I don't see why shunning or leaving a man over him being weak or not being able to stand up for his self. & Tbh again. I've not spoken or have said anything to this woman in Over a year now & to be frank all I've ever said was hello I'm so & so & one time merry Christmas. So why would she still present issues in his & my relationship?

You're right. And I'm probably being to harsh.

And I understand your desire to help, both him and his son. But the thing is, as a step-parent you -don't- get say. You get to help. That's it. You get to help raise him. But his parents make all the choices. Especially in this situation where she is being controlling in reaction to him having another partner. If you all had a nice relationship with each other you might be welcomed to more of a say. But that isn't what you have.

Your partner needs to be the parent to his son. He needs to work with him and discipline him and do all the parent things. You only ever get to be an aunt. You can encourage behavior you like. You can discourage behavior you don't. But you don't get to make the rules. And you don't get to choose or enact punishment. That's his dad's job. His mom? You get no say in. The only thing you get say in is how much your partner shares with you. If she is acting awful? If it stresses you out? You don't have to know about it. This is his issue. His boundaries. His ex. His co-parent. If it stresses you out to be a part of it? stop. You can always choose to stop participating in it and stop witnessing it. That is the choice you have. You don't get to make choices for anyone else.

First u appreciate what you said at the need of your last post. Yes I do have a choice in what I want to or can't endure.....& I am aware of being more like a aunt figure. I grew up in a blended family myself...I really have no problem in that. & Your post also helped me see things from a different perspective... I appreciate that as well thank you! :) Because. I myself has two son's with behavioral issues. Ones 19 on his own & the other one is 17 & has been in a treatment facility since he was 11. & What you helped me realize. Is Part of my determination, is to help this boy, son.... Because unlike my 19 year old he's sufficient enough to be with a roommate. While the other one I've been thru Every thing with from start to now...& He's unchanging they say... It's possible he will never be fit for society. Anyway enough of that part. I just realized... Part of me is helping tis boy, son out of the fact I feel some what as a failure to own son.. & I needed that thank you again

But I do have a question for you? If it's not to much trouble? Because of the time & all... How do you channel positivity, when said mother was on numerous occasions, let the said son know details about her & My Fh arguments? & Go as far as saying things to the son like. " Your father is being rude" son ask "that's wromg_ & said mother let him read the whole Battle of the text messages... Now granted, things are better between the son & I... He does respect to a certain degree. He show moderate affection for me & has stood up for me to his father about how he might sound towards me... That is a positive isn't it?

But I do have a question for you? If it's not to much trouble? Because of the time & all... How do you channel positivity, when said mother was on numerous occasions, let the said son know details about her & My Fh arguments? & Go as far as saying things to the son like. " Your father is being rude" son ask "that's wromg_ & said mother let him read the whole Battle of the text messages... Now granted, things are better between the son & I... He does respect to a certain degree. He show moderate affection for me & has stood up for me to his father about how he might sound towards me... That is a positive isn't it?

Yeah. It sounds like your step son likes you and respects you. Great job! That's doubbly hard to make happen with his mother struggling with the idea of you.

You don't need to channel positivity. You just need to take care of yourself. Your instincts are kind and caring. You want to help. You want to positively effect people. I think we might be very similar (which might be why I was harsh). A big part of being healthy and having this deep desire to care for, and help other people, is to know your own boundaries. If this woman gets under your skin? If she makes it harder for you to being loving and supportive towards your partner and his son? opt out. You don't need to know the drama she is causing. You can be kind and supportive and not in the middle of this.

I appreciate what you have said thank you! 👍 Yes I have been labeled as being to "nice" & have been told I need to be a little harsher when need be. Because I have always tried to keep a positive attitude & a bit optimistic at times if you ask me... I can relate now why you approached me the way you did

Well I forgot to mention, that even when. I have taken that step multiple times.... It has tended to get me now where. My name always ends up in her mouth in one form or another & 98% of the time is insinuating negativity towards me.. & do see him try... But then he gets tired of the drama with her & bows down for a little bit.. for sake of getting along in front of & for his son...bit you know maybe it's just an "entertaining" thought... But it has crossed my mind, that it is him that may just is acting out of habit on & off & maybe he's not fully over her? Or do you think that's just a bit of a stretch? I'm sorry but your really helping me... I've been searching for some advice & yours has been helping me exceptionally well ty