Toxic Marriage - Need Advice

My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 3. We have a daughter together and she has a son from a previous relationship. I've recently had a mental breakdown and upon trying to figure out why I'm struggling I've found parallels to emotional abuse.

My wife is extremely headstrong and over the years, my self esteem has dwindled. When I would have opinions or a difference in opinion, I was met with anger and disapproval. Over time I've developed a fear of telling her things, which has become a huge point of contention because it made the anger and disapproval worse. I was afraid to share new friendships, especially with females as it was seen as inappropriate. I am a very social person, and in order to have friendships I began hiding them. This intensified the anger when things were "found out". She's also insisted I tell her every conversation I have with females, and has previously insisted I talk to my parents less as I should only share things with her. I was afraid to tell her about purchases, as I would be reprimanded. There has been times she's made me return purchases. She's overthrown my decisions when it comes to the kids, in front of them and it's made my say have less worth. Again, I don't believe its malicious but it has been a sore spot. I feel now as though I'm a child in her home. I've been stuffing down my emotions, and carrying on cause this is my only frame of reference and based on her reactions I believed I was wrong, misguided and should feel bad. Eventually I did that every time I felt like I disagreed, as any time I tried to stand my ground there was no leway.

She early on instilled that talking to friends or family about issues between us is not okay, and so I've taken her word as gospel. When I told my family about these issues, they didn't believe me cause I'd never expressed it before which made me feel even more trapped and isolated.

It's left me depressed, very low, unfamiliar with myself, and I have an extremely low self esteem.

During Christmas I had a mental breakdown and lost all romantic emotion towards her. It has not yet come back. I've discussed with a therapist and they said it's likely a breakdown of emotional trust. I gave her all of my emotion and she stomped on it. She is not malicious, and I believe her actions were due to insecurity but it's caused me to fall out of love with her. It's gotten to a point where I want to be anywhere but home. She keeps saying she feels like I don't care, and that she wishes I'd try. She said she's willing to change, and that she is trying to support me but I'm not giving much in return. I don't feel emotion towards her, I feel hurt and I feel like guilt will force me to stuff down my emotions just to continue to appease her. I'm afraid I will give in and continue this cycle of self harm just to avoid hurting her.

She keeps pushing for me to try, and I haven't left yet as I want to maintain my family but I am miserable. I feel like I haven't been able to grow as a person, or find my true self because I've been slowly beaten down and abided solely to her ideals. We got together when I was 19, I am now 30. My therapist suggested time apart, but my wife refuses to agree to that. She demands marriage counselling first but I just want time to myself to figure it all out. She said although my wife is not malicious, the tactics are not fair. She suggested continuing in the 'toxic' environment is not conducive to what I need or want.

Can I get any opinions?

Honestly, your "making new female friends" is inappropriate. Its one thing to have a work colleague to whom you are on friendly terms with, but if you are going out to social spots and meeting "new women" - if i was your wife, i would not be happy and yes, hiding it implies guilt. Sorry, i'm with her on that one.

She early on instilled that talking to friends or family about issues between us is not okay,

Its not okay with me either. issues should be handled by the couple unless both consent to it being shared - particularly with family. Its one thing for you to have a close male friend/mentor to talk to, but to tell your parents about your marital problems can harm the relationship. Its none of their business and can cause animosity if you resolve your problems but then in the meantime trashtalked your spouse to them and you made your parents dislike them.

I think that you should see a personal counselor AND a marriage counselor. You need to learn how to communicate better with eachother WHILE you are "figuring yourself out" because you have a child.

Let me clarify. It was work colleague, not going out or social spots. Not hanging outside of work or anything like that.

Let me clarify. It was work colleague, not going out or social spots. Not hanging outside of work or anything like that.

then why did you hide? And why do you consider her a "new friend" if you simply converse with her during the workday over work things? If she was just a new person at work you could have just said "we just got too three new people, Bob, Becky and Carol. I think Becky will do well because she already started volunteering for projects..." Your wife would not have batted an eye -- but when you hide things - you create suspicion

She sounds controlling. How does she act when she is upset with you? Does she call you names? Does she lash out in anger? Is she mean?

It sounds like she has a lot of need and desire to isolate you. But it also sounds like she's at least saying she wants to work on it. Do you think the relationship is worth working on? If she could get over of her some insecurities that cause her to isolate and control you? Or are you just done?

If she's mean or purposefully hurtful towards you? I would say just leave. If she's unaware of how she treats you and it just hurts? Then maybe therapy is the right choice. People can learn to treat each other better.

Honestly, your "making new female friends" is inappropriate.

Agree completely. And with abitbroken's later post, why are you hiding these friendships?

Why do you find it so necessary to engage in female friendships? Your wife has expressly laid down a boundary that she feels is necessary for emotional safety in her relationship with you, yet you continually cross it, and hide it. No wonder she's pissed.

I see no problem in having female friends from work. I have married male friends, and it is platonic. I do agree that your problems should be discussed with her, or through marriage counseling.

Your wife sounds like a miserable/controlling woman. If this is affecting your health, and you are no longer in love, then end things.

LH Girl I think OP explained that he hides anything that might make his wife angry.

Wife has a lot of insecurities and I think OP is scared of confrontation. OP, you might just need to finally muster the courage to walk away from this relationship.

My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 3. We have a daughter together and she has a son from a previous relationship. I've recently had a mental breakdown and upon trying to figure out why I'm struggling I've found parallels to emotional abuse.

 

My wife is extremely headstrong and over the years, my self esteem has dwindled. When I would have opinions or a difference in opinion, I was met with anger and disapproval. Over time I've developed a fear of telling her things, which has become a huge point of contention because it made the anger and disapproval worse. I was afraid to share new friendships, especially with females as it was seen as inappropriate. I am a very social person, and in order to have friendships I began hiding them. This intensified the anger when things were "found out". She's also insisted I tell her every conversation I have with females, and has previously insisted I talk to my parents less as I should only share things with her. I was afraid to tell her about purchases, as I would be reprimanded. There has been times she's made me return purchases. She's overthrown my decisions when it comes to the kids, in front of them and it's made my say have less worth. Again, I don't believe its malicious but it has been a sore spot. I feel now as though I'm a child in her home. I've been stuffing down my emotions, and carrying on cause this is my only frame of reference and based on her reactions I believed I was wrong, misguided and should feel bad. Eventually I did that every time I felt like I disagreed, as any time I tried to stand my ground there was no leway.

 

She early on instilled that talking to friends or family about issues between us is not okay, and so I've taken her word as gospel. When I told my family about these issues, they didn't believe me cause I'd never expressed it before which made me feel even more trapped and isolated.

 

It's left me depressed, very low, unfamiliar with myself, and I have an extremely low self esteem.

 

During Christmas I had a mental breakdown and lost all romantic emotion towards her. It has not yet come back. I've discussed with a therapist and they said it's likely a breakdown of emotional trust. I gave her all of my emotion and she stomped on it. She is not malicious, and I believe her actions were due to insecurity but it's caused me to fall out of love with her. It's gotten to a point where I want to be anywhere but home. She keeps saying she feels like I don't care, and that she wishes I'd try. She said she's willing to change, and that she is trying to support me but I'm not giving much in return. I don't feel emotion towards her, I feel hurt and I feel like guilt will force me to stuff down my emotions just to continue to appease her. I'm afraid I will give in and continue this cycle of self harm just to avoid hurting her.

 

She keeps pushing for me to try, and I haven't left yet as I want to maintain my family but I am miserable. I feel like I haven't been able to grow as a person, or find my true self because I've been slowly beaten down and abided solely to her ideals. We got together when I was 19, I am now 30. My therapist suggested time apart, but my wife refuses to agree to that. She demands marriage counselling first but I just want time to myself to figure it all out. She said although my wife is not malicious, the tactics are not fair. She suggested continuing in the 'toxic' environment is not conducive to what I need or want.

 

Can I get any opinions?

I agree with your wife that it is inappropriate to be too friendly with the opposite sex. Whether we want to deny it or not, the opposite sex will always be a source of temptation for us - and so, if we are married or in a relationship, we must be cautious getting too close with tbe opposite sex. Research has shown that 80% of affairs happen between coworkers of the opposite sex and friends of the opposite sex. These affairs always started off just as friendship at first. I have a rule in my relationship of no hanging out with a friend of the opposite sex, unless we are both present together, and not getting too familiar with coworkers of the opposite sex.

As for not talking about your issues and problems with family or friends, I do believe that problems and issues in a marriage should not be aired out. Your problems are between you and her. You should respect her desire for privacy. If you have issues, instead of letting friends and family know, you should both go to marriage counseling to get advise on how to resolve your problems.

And as for her getting angry at your opinions, I can understand getting upset if you say something that she morally/ethically disagrees with, but even then she needs to tell you her objections in a calmer, more communicative way then yelling and trying to shut you up. Marriage counseling would help you both learn how to hear each others' opinions without blowing up on each other.

This marriage needs better communication - you to communicate to her how her behavior has made you feel, and her to react to your opinions in a calmer, more understanding manner.

I suggest you both find a good marriage counselor. Do some shoppi g around, because there are many counselors that you have to beware of who will try to push for divorce or spew forth liberal advise that coukd make things worse. If a counselor tries to push divorce, seek another counselor.

then why did you hide? And why do you consider her a "new friend" if you simply converse with her during the workday over work things? If she was just a new person at work you could have just said "we just got too three new people, Bob, Becky and Carol. I think Becky will do well because she already started volunteering for projects..." Your wife would not have batted an eye -- but when you hide things - you create suspicion

Totally agree.

You go to work to work, not to socialize - and especially not to form new friendships with opposite sex coworkers. As I explained in my earlier reply, getting too close with the opposite sex more has proven the downfall of many marriages and relationships.

It's gotten to the point of hiding it cause she's expressed disdain towards any out side female contact - whether it be friends I had that were female prior to us being together, clients online (sometimes even in different countries), even my brothers girlfriend.

She sounds controlling. How does she act when she is upset with you? Does she call you names? Does she lash out in anger? Is she mean?

She becomes critical. She says thinges out of anger and frustration that cut pretty deep. Afterwards I'll have to bring it up and she says she didnt mean it or she shouldnt have said it. In the moment it is hurtful and causes me to shut down (in heated moments or arguments) cause it catches me off guard.

I see no problem in having female friends from work. I have married male friends, and it is platonic. I do agree that your problems should be discussed with her, or through marriage counseling.

 

Your wife sounds like a miserable/controlling woman. If this is affecting your health, and you are no longer in love, then end things.

I have very little self esteem, it's caused me to feel very sick and it's been extremely hard to have energy for my kids. They've noticed the huge shift, and I'm feeling at a standstill.

There is another thread going right now where a 3-year boyfriend left his girlfriend for his female best friend.

Opposite sex platonic friendships are not always platonic.

Look, if you know this is a sore spot for your wife, why do you keep pushing it?

It's gotten to the point of hiding it cause she's expressed disdain towards any out side female contact - whether it be friends I had that were female prior to us being together, clients online (sometimes even in different countries), even my brothers girlfriend.

The reason she has a problem is because you hide it. You should NOT have your brother's girlfriend's phone number or be talking to her outside of family gatherings. The exception is that if they have kids together and have lived together for years and you are arranging to pick the kids up for a visit. You should not be talking online to clients outside of the work day. PROVE you are trustworthy and she will back down. She has been burned by you by you not being truthful. This is something to discuss in counseling together.

It's gotten to the point of hiding it cause she's expressed disdain towards any out side female contact - whether it be friends I had that were female prior to us being together, clients online (sometimes even in different countries), even my brothers girlfriend.

I think that is ridiculous. I would find it strange if my partner did not have female friends. I am not giving up my male friends, as there in NO temptation, and there never has been. Good God, if you do not have trust, then you have nothing.

If someone wants to cheat, they will cheat.

Sorry to hear this. Continue your private therapy to unpack all this but since you are married at least try the marriage counseling she suggested before separating. Maybe she'll realize it's dead and want to dissolve it also. Getting separated is pretty serious. It's not to 'figure things out' it's to move forward to formal separation/divorce. Unfortunately you sound totally checked out and she knows this.

My therapist suggested time apart, but my wife refuses to agree to that. She demands marriage counselling first but I just want time to myself to figure it all out.

If you in any way want this relationship to work, I'd take her up on the marriage counselling. You sound checked out. Coupling that with "time to yourself" is a recipe for trouble. I don't necessarily have a problem with separations, but they should be arbitrated, with purpose, timeframes, goals, boundaries clearly set and communicated. A good marriage counselor can help there.

I also feel the same. Getting more than a professional relationship with a coworker will definitely create a problem. No partner will like it. Once give a try to go for a counseling to a lawyer. They do not only work on cases, but also provides counseling. If you want to get legal advice for your issue, the lawyer will show you the pros and cons of your action. Instead of taking risks, the better job is to get the valuable and professional services of a lawyer. Also, read more here (tarabay-gemayel.com) about such lawyers.