Lonely, No friends, No family, no HOPE. Can't take it anymore and want to just die....

Hello. I figured I would try to give this a shot. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to post about this but I just don't know what to do...

I am a 21 college student living on my own for about 2 and a half years now. i have my own apartment and I just stay by myself all day everyday. Go to work and school and just come home enclosed in my four walls of anxiety depression. I live in a small town in the Midwest and there aren't many things to do here.. It is pretty much racially divided and if you don't fit in a certain group, you're deemed an "outsider".

Born and raised here, I grew up in a small town WITHIN a small town (I hope that makes sense) and making friends was always such a hard thing for me. I am an African American girl who is the youngest of 3 siblings and the only child in my family that went to a predominately white school... The problem was that I was too black for the white children and too white for the black children.. As an adult, I still struggle with this today in my town. I've never had a real friendship because no one ever gave me a chance. I was bullied all the way from kindergarten through high school at this school. The few black girls there were mean to me and wanted to try to fight me and the white girls always talked to me like I had no type of sense whatsoever saying things like "YO YO YO GURLLLLL AYE WASSUP MAH YO BETCH WATCHU DINK U DOIN". I literally would look at them like this :suspicion: and just walk away. Do I look like I sound like that or something???

My family doesn't like me either. They always say that I "talk white", eat "white people food" (apparently sushi is white origin to them), and listen to "white people music". I listen to everything and just because I speak proper English doesn't mean anything. I was educated in a white school for God's sake! What do they expect? They criticize me for everything I do and I cut off all contact with them about a year and a half ago. We don't even celebrate holidays or anything. I haven't celebrated any holidays for the past 5 years. They're just too depressing.... My parents are divorced and my dad just recently retired. My mother is bipolar and she was physically and emotionally abusive growing up. My neighbors would hear my screams whenever she would beat me and kick me out and no one would do anything. Some even stood out side and watch. The black neighbors laughed at my "nappy a-- hair" as it was pulled and yanked out by my mother... I've been through LOTS of dark as as a kid that no one outside my family knows about.

I don't even have a cell phone nor any social media. Social networking sites give me extreme anxiety now. The kids that bullied me in school will just try to be nosy and see how miserable I am doing.

Dating is EXTREMELY hard. The black guys when I was in high school picked with me and when I did have crushes on them and tried to talk to them, they embarrassed me in front of everyone and told me they only date biracial and white girls. I even had one guys reject me because he said he liked vaginas that weren't "roast beef colored". Some black guys have openly said that they just want to sleep with me and when I refused, they call me a "wanna be honky, B--ch"... So ever since, I just refuse to date black men. I don't hate black men but I just don't trust them and want to be with them for how they treated me growing up and still to this day.

I tried to gravitate white guys but they just want to sleep with me like a temporary fetish/taboo or just not attracted to me in general. Their families (not knowing me and never meeting me) force them to cut off contact once they find out about me. I even had one guy I was talking to steal from me after we slept with each other. So I refuse to date white men too. I dated a middle eastern guy my senior year in high school for about 7 months and he broke up with me because his mother said she doesn't want her bloodline destroyed by ABEED (abeed is plural for slaves/s in Arabic). Everything I do is just a waste of time. I deleted all my social media 3 years ago after I graduated high school. I don't have a cell phone and just contact my work and school through email on my Ipod. I have only been in one relationship since high school (if that counts) and never dated anybody ever since.

I don't know what to do. I have no money to move out of this town, for I am still in college and took out so many loans just to keep a roof over my head ( I don't make enough at my job to pay rent and electricity) Finding a job here is hard. This town was ranked the most horrible place for African Americans to live. NO JOKE at all! Being here has given me depression and anxiety. Just going to work I cry everyday because I'm so afraid of everyone and being judged and stared at... I can't wear my make up to work anymore because I get mean and rude treatment. I dressed down and just keeping my hair nice and neat causes work tension almost everywhere I work. I'm not doing anything to cause this. I literally distance myself from everyone and do my work 100% and that still isn't enough for them to stop picking with me. A co-worker told me its because I look like the weakest link.. It just seems like everyone in this hole town is a hole themselves!!

If anybody has been in this situation or knows someone in a similar situation, how do I deal with this? I'm honestly on edge and just thinking about just taking my life because I just can't deal with this anymore... Everyday is exactly the same: Cold, lonely, abandoned, judged, and stereotyped. I am seen as nothing. So since I am nothing, what am I waiting for? I don't even believe in God anymore. How could god just leave me in this hell like this. I'd rather just die if it doesn't get better...

Also, even the biracial girls picked on me in school!! They always called me "nappy headed b-tch", made fun of my hair and outfits, and even called me N-ggers. Funny, because their hair would be just as kinky as mine. It has GOT to be this town! I NEVER get any of these types of problems in other states. I've been to Los Angeles three times from 2014-2016 with my Dad and sisters and I never get stares, glares, rude gestures, and racial hatred from any races. I've been to Arizona and Nevada and no body treated me this way. These people don't know anything about me because I just have terrible social anxiety so I never let these people in my life. They just have first impressions and go based off of my skin color, what I look like, and what I sound like whenever I speak. I don't have a stupid stereotypical valley girl accent nor do I talk with inflections. I just simply say words the way they are spelled and how I was taught. I don't sound like most black people (I guess since thats what I have been told) is it really me or is it these people?? And even if I try to move, where am I going to go? How will I get there? How do I even gain the funds to get there? The only way to break free from this is to just move far away or just kill myself..

I understand how you feel - but i am sure not everyone considers you an "outsider" like you think. High school is brutal. But as you get into the adult world, people grow up and you are more likely to find people that like you for you. i was bullied in school, too, but when i got older, the people i met and connected with didn't notice the thing i was bullied for, or if they did, accepted me anyway. Part of your isolation is your fault and you are making it a self fulfilling prophecy. You will remain isolated so long as you prevent people from being able to connect with you -- if you have no cell phone, how can you connect to meetup groups or on campus groups where you can meet people who like to do the things you are interested in? You don't have to have your picture up on social media to connect. If you walk around with your head down all the time, instead of smiling, and having open body language, who is going to want to come up to you and talk to you? Give it a try. I highly suggest counseling as well - but how does a counselor contact you to confirm an appointment if you don't have a phone?

I suggest you join some meetup groups based on your interests.

This is a pretty intimidating post to try to respond to ... Beyond my skill but ill say something anyways.

I am so sorry you feel so abused and targeted.

I grew up in a very small town that was full of bigotry too. It was an extremely racist place to live. I am Caucasian but I was also Catholic, which put a big target on me.

The African Americans that lived there would typically move in and last less than a year before they relocated because of the harassment. It was pretty terrible.

Where I live now is like night and day compared to my old town. I had to get away from there. There are tons of places in the US that are great and accepting places to live.

How long before you finish your degree? What is the likelihood of finding a job and possibly relocating?

To me it sounds like you have no real option, you have to gtfo of where you live.

But don't go to California (you mentioned LA). It is pretty expensive to live there and just staying financially afloat without support will be hard.

There are a lot of good places to live with acceptable cost of living. Midwest is a pretty large geographical place. I am sure that you could find a place that would improve your situation that is realistic and not impossibly far.

You could do with some therapy for this. But I can understand in your situation that it might be hard to afford. I would look into possible therapy available through your school.

Jump back on ENA and vent to your hearts content. It can be pretty therapeutic.

Im sorry that ur going through a hard time. Im an adult so i know that u may not wanna hear a word i have to say considering that u may think im old and dont know how u feel.... but i do have a daughter thats 14 and i have watched her struggle to fit in and where it has nothing to do with the color of her skin she still struggles to find her place with friends. I cant say i know how u feel because im very chatty and has never had an issue fitting in but i can tell u that ive never given a crap about anyone opinion of me. For that i was called conceited. Do i think im better than everyone, yes i do but that because its a state of mine. U have to accept who u r. Whatever is making u insecure has to change. I say mantras to myself all the time. Its to remind me of who i am. Y do u need to be accepted by these types of people anyway. Y not consider it a blessing that ur not faking friendships or dating these stupid guys. And honey i have tried to kill myself so many times growing up, thank god i was too stupid to get the job done. U dont wanna do that. Life sometimes feel hard and i wish i can say it gets better and people change but the truth is little s grow up to be big s and u cant control that. But u can control u so first things first look urself in the mirror and let the person staring back at u know how much u love her and how beautiful she is and how awesome u think she is! And i can be ur friend..... even if im not as young as u!

Thank you so much for your kind response. I hate consoling. Whenever I go, they just try to throw meds at me and I LOATHE medicine. It make me numb and I self harm a lot on anti depressents. I don't like the kids at school with me because they are all connected to someone who know someone that has seen or went to school with me and will probably coach them to hate me for this/that reason(s). I feel like, for whatever reason I was bullied for, I self harm myself for it... Not physically but you know, emotionally. I distance myself from everyone and work and school. I have a fire in my heart that cannot be tamed because I am still so angry at those kids, my mother beating me and forcing me to go to that school, my father and sisters judging me and labeling everything I do as WHITE this and WHITE that. IF I am so f--cking "white" like they say, why put me in a rich school full of kids where I didn't belong? I didn't belong there! I am like a chameleon... I blend in my surroundings which makes up for my vernacular and interests.. I guess it's safe to say I am still hurting and suffering to this day from everything.

My dream is to move out of this town, find some real cool girlfriends/guyfriends to have fun with, drink with, and listen to ALL music with. Eating all my favorite foods (I LOVE SUSHI ) and wearing my make up the WAY I WANT TO. And NOT GIVING A DAMN. But, this is only a dream. The only time I have peace is when my eyes are closed in my bed just dreaming and nothing gets closer to that other than death.

When you finish school, try to relocate to a big city. Just be patient until you get your degree.

Thank you for responding... I want to move FAR away from the Midwest. Too many bad memories. Everyday waking up is like a living nightmare and the people here are the monsters under my bed or chasing me in my dreams... It's just too big of a trigger to continue to live here. My depression is slowly getting harder and harder to control. I've been drinking a lot and self medicate with weed when I get off of work and home from school. Its just a chore. Wake up, go deal with the crap at work, deal with the people at school, go home, get drunk and high to make myself feel better, and go back to bed. Rinse and repeat, it's just that simple. I can not do it anymore. I'm basically already dead socially and emotionally. No one really care about me. You know what the scariest part was for me for the longest time? The fact that I could kill myself any moment and no one would even know I'm dead and rotting in my apartment. My job would just think I quit, school would think I dropped out, I have no friends so there's nothing there, and as for family- well that's self explanatory. Kinda like that woman in the UK found dead in her apartment for years with her T.V. still on... hits home for me..

Thank you for responding... I want to move FAR away from the Midwest. Too many bad memories. Everyday waking up is like a living nightmare and the people here are the monsters under my bed or chasing me in my dreams... It's just too big of a trigger to continue to live here. My depression is slowly getting harder and harder to control. I've been drinking a lot and self medicate with weed when I get off of work and home from school. Its just a chore. Wake up, go deal with the crap at work, deal with the people at school, go home, get drunk and high to make myself feel better, and go back to bed. Rinse and repeat, it's just that simple. I can not do it anymore. I'm basically already dead socially and emotionally. No one really care about me. You know what the scariest part was for me for the longest time? The fact that I could kill myself any moment and no one would even know I'm dead and rotting in my apartment. My job would just think I quit, school would think I dropped out, I have no friends so there's nothing there, and as for family- well that's self explanatory. Kinda like that woman in the UK found dead in her apartment for years with her T.V. still on... hits home for me..

Slowly you need to cut the drinking and the weed. They impair your abilities and will power. They make things worse. Meditation doesn't need to involve weed or alcohol.

It's hard to stop. It feels like the only thing that can relax my anxiety completely. Everyone live their lives except me. I never lived my life like a normal person.. I just feel like Its such a waste of time living... people die everyday and they normally have families that love and care for them. I don't, so why I am here?:(

Be patient until you relocate. How many years do you still need to graduate?

Just two if I am accepted into the Dental Hygiene program in March. I'm trying but it's just so hard...

Just two if I am accepted into the Dental Hygiene program in March. I'm trying but it's just so hard...

Do you have the money to apply to a dental hygiene program in another area -- ie, do you have savings, can you go on job interviews for something part time or around school hours until you have intern hours at a dental practice (i don't know how that works - whether part of your learning involves being employed at a practice before a formal placement.)

In the meantime, even if you do go to school in your direct area -- i would get a cell phone - i would look on meetup dot com to see what groups appeal to you within a zero to 30 minute drive. You can go farther, but i think that's a good distance where you are close enough where you could be active if you wanted to be. I lived in an area where i didn't think i would find things in common with people but i was pleasantly surprised on who i met by taking a class that was hobby related/not a college credit class, found other groups to join. If you have a museum within 45 minutes of you they might have "music and appetizer" mixers. or even see if there is a meetup group for people interested in japanese cooking.