Can someone tell me whether or not I’m being ridiculous?

Note: This is originally from the Divorce sub, but I realized it fit better here.

I just recently got divorced. We separated about two months ago, finalized the divorce a month ago, and I've been mostly moved out for a bit over a month.

My ex has been seeing someone for a couple of weeks and they've been talking for three weeks.

She wants to introduce our child to the guy she's been dating.

I think it's too early, and was under the impression that it would be a while before we introduced new people to our child.

I need someone to tell me whether or not this is reasonable.

Thanks in advance

Personally, I don't believe it to be healthy to introduce a child before six months.

I cannot understand why she would introduce your child to this guy so early.

I don’t know either

It’s really bothering me, though.

I asked her to talk to her counselor about it, but she hasn’t responded ☹️

It's not ridiculous at all. That is way too early for her to be introducing your child to a new man. You have valid reason to be concerned for your child's welfare in that situation. Also I'd be wondering if she thinks this is ok, is she going to be introducing a parade of men she barely knows to your child . There's two factors to it: it's too early after the divorce for your child to meet a new man, it's too early as far as how long she's known this man ( she barely knows him!).

Waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy to early for her to do that.

How old is your child?

I'm going to be a bit of a voice of dissent here, and say that a firm "6 month minimum" timeline isn't always what's best for you or your child, and dating and introducing children is something that definitely needs to be a case by case basis and depends a lot on the environment the kid is raised in and also the relationship the parents have with the child and how open it is...as well as their age.

I think it's important for them to be included in things, and to actually see the successes and failures of their parents and how they handle them. Assuming the parents handle them in a healthy way, that is. It's also going to be important for them to see how YOU handle it, and vice-versa with the mama when you start dating.

Now, should mom be introducing this person as a potential future parent to the child or be allowing them to attempt to fill that role at this juncture? No. They've been talking for 3 weeks, dating for 2. There should be some boundaries set by her, and if she's handling things in a healthy way... there will be. Rather than focusing on her NOT introducing this guy if she's determined, ask for that at least. Introduce him as a friend, or explain that she's dating if the child is old enough, no PDA, etc etc.

That being said...you're divorced. You don't really get to control what she does on her time with the kiddo. What you CAN do, is use whatever she does as a teachable moment. If your child meets this person and has questions, answer them. Use it as an opportunity to discuss healthy relationships, and boundaries, and dating in general. It's important, though, not to malign the other parent during this process, even if you disagree with what she's doing.

How old is your child?

 

I'm going to be a bit of a voice of dissent here, and say that a firm "6 month minimum" timeline isn't always what's best for you or your child, and dating and introducing children is something that definitely needs to be a case by case basis and depends a lot on the environment the kid is raised in and also the relationship the parents have with the child and how open it is...as well as their age.

 

I think it's important for them to be included in things, and to actually see the successes and failures of their parents and how they handle them. Assuming the parents handle them in a healthy way, that is. It's also going to be important for them to see how YOU handle it, and vice-versa with the mama when you start dating.

 

Now, should mom be introducing this person as a potential future parent to the child or be allowing them to attempt to fill that role at this juncture? No. They've been talking for 3 weeks, dating for 2. There should be some boundaries set by her, and if she's handling things in a healthy way... there will be. Rather than focusing on her NOT introducing this guy if she's determined, ask for that at least. Introduce him as a friend, or explain that she's dating if the child is old enough, no PDA, etc etc.

 

That being said...you're divorced. You don't really get to control what she does on her time with the kiddo. What you CAN do, is use whatever she does as a teachable moment. If your child meets this person and has questions, answer them. Use it as an opportunity to discuss healthy relationships, and boundaries, and dating in general. It's important, though, not to malign the other parent during this process, even if you disagree with what she's doing.

Our child is 7. I'm not concerned, really, with our daughter seeing successes and failures. I'm more concerned with her getting attached and broken if this doesn't work out, and its way too early to be making any predictions about whether or not it's going to be long term.

I just occurred to me that there is a line in our parenting plan, in the safety section, that our daughter not be introduced to romantic partners until a long-term, committed relationship has been established. It makes no mention of a time frame on that, and I think my ex may have forgotten that she suggested that this be part of the parenting plan (I was/am 100% on board with that.).

I took this stipulation to be a defense against rash emotional decisions during the honeymoon phase of a relationship.

Our child is 7. I'm not concerned, really, with our daughter seeing successes and failures. I'm more concerned with her getting attached and broken if this doesn't work out, and its way too early to be making any predictions about whether or not it's going to be long term.

I understand that, and it's a legitimate concern. I think you should address it with her mom that way - and if she insists on introducing at this early juncture, request some boundaries like mentioned above. All you can do is ask, unfortunately. You can't issue demands or ultimatums. You can also have frank discussions with your kiddo (at 7, they understand quite a bit) about what it all means, etc.

I just occurred to me that there is a line in our parenting plan, in the safety section, that our daughter not be introduced to romantic partners until a long-term, committed relationship has been established. It makes no mention of a time frame on that, and I think my ex may have forgotten that she suggested that this be part of the parenting plan (I was/am 100% on board with that.).

 

I took this stipulation to be a defense against rash emotional decisions during the honeymoon phase of a relationship.

NOW you have some grounds to make a specific statement.

It may be a good idea for you and your ex to establish NOW what that means to you: a time frame, a commitment level (engagement? proposed living together?) etc. so that as things arise in the future it's not just swept under the rug as "oh, this is serious" because that's a pretty vague statement.

NOW you have some grounds to make a specific statement.

 

It may be a good idea for you and your ex to establish NOW what that means to you: a time frame, a commitment level (engagement? proposed living together?) etc. so that as things arise in the future it's not just swept under the rug as "oh, this is serious" because that's a pretty vague statement.

I agree. I think something short of engagement or living together, though. I think, for me, a minimum would be 6 months. Preferably a year. This should give time for her (and I, when it's my turn) to be confident that the relationship has long-term stability.

You don't get a say in what she does, you're divorced. However, if you are concerned, get the guys full name

and run a background check on him. That may put your mind at ease. I know it's uncomfortable to be in this

situation, however before you divorced you had to know this would happen in the future. Hopefully she chooses

a good man who can be a positive influence. If you find out otherwise, pursue altering your agreement or seek

custody. Good luck to you.

You don't get a say in what she does, you're divorced. However, if you are concerned, get the guys full name

and run a background check on him. That may put your mind at ease. I know it's uncomfortable to be in this

situation, however before you divorced you had to know this would happen in the future. Hopefully she chooses

a good man who can be a positive influence. If you find out otherwise, pursue altering your agreement or seek

custody. Good luck to you.

In my state he would have a say in it regardless of whether it was signed or not.

There is a bit of legal protection depending on the state.

In highschool my friend's mom had her boyfriend stay the night within 6 months of his parents divorse while a minor (him) was in the house.

He reported it to his dad and they filed a lawsuit against her and she lost custody. It depends on the state (or country).

Did she draft this agreement you guys signed or was it drafted jointly?

If it was her and her lawyer then ambiguity will favor you, legally.

If his ex wife had them both sign a stipulation on exposing this child to a new partner then he does actually have a legal say in it.

 

In my state he would have a say in it regardless of whether it was signed or not.

Where I live my friends ex wife has a live in who is a felon who has done time and has a violent record and a belligerent manner. My friend is an attorney, yet he had no success in getting any kind of safety net built into his (their) children's living situation. Nothing like never home alone with, or weekly check ins, or whatever anyone can think of. She has total unilateral discretion unless this man newly breaks a law.

Brilliant! She stung herself with her own clause. Have you two established visitation/custody arrangements and child support?

I just occurred to me that there is a line in our parenting plan, in the safety section, that our daughter not be introduced to romantic partners until a long-term, committed relationship has been established. she suggested that this be part of the parenting plan (I was/am 100% on board with that.)

Where I live my friends ex wife has a live in who is a felon who has done time and has a violent record and a belligerent manner. My friend is an attorney, yet he had no success in getting any kind of safety net built into his (their) children's living situation. Nothing like never home alone with, or weekly check ins, or whatever anyone can think of. She has total unilateral discretion unless this man newly breaks a law.

We are also a fault state.

If his ex wife had them both sign a stipulation on exposing this child to a new partner then he does actually have a legal say in it.

 

In my state he would have a say in it regardless of whether it was signed or not.

 

There is a bit of legal protection depending on the state.

 

In highschool my friend's mom had her boyfriend stay the night within 6 months of his parents divorse while a minor (him) was in the house.

 

He reported it to his dad and they filed a lawsuit against her and she lost custody. It depends on the state (or country).

 

Did she draft this agreement you guys signed or was it drafted jointly?

 

If it was her and her lawyer then ambiguity will favor you, legally.

I wasn't aware he had a stipulation in place.

I have a parenting class tonight that covers conflict resolution. I'm going to ask them during the class about this situation.

Until then, I'm going to try to calm down, because this is ruling me, right now.

The parenting class recommends 2 years. That might be a bit much. I think, ideally, one year, but I could accept 6 months.

She says that we put the provision into the parenting plan because I had mentioned that I wouldn't be entering any long term committed relationships any time soon and just planned on casually dating. The provision is apparently there to make sure that our daughter isn't exposed to my supposed casually sexual partners, according to my ex.

As the provision is under the safety portion of our parenting plan, I'm going to assume that this is a major child-rearing decision. Fortunately, we have another part of our parenting plan that says if we can't agree on a major child rearing decision, we would take it to mediation.

To be clear, I have no intention of going to mediation whenever she wants to introduce a new romantic partner. We just need to go, this time, to establish what "long-term committed" means.

The only advantage in meeting the kids early is that you’re able to cut off a relationship if they don’t like kids or realize it’s a bigger responsibility than the sig other wants to take on. As for your kid getting attached it’ll depend obviously on how much time they spend together. Ive dated guys with older kids who have seen a parade of women come in and out of their lives. These kids are harder to get to know and do build a wall towards the new person in Mom/Dad’s life. Unfortunately there is little you can do as you’re divorced. I will say because they are in the romantic phase they’ll likely want to spend a lot of time together. Make yourself available to care for your child whenever they want a date night etc. be kind about it and don’t resist what she is doing too frequently or she will behave badly in spite

Bad to worse :(

My ex just told me that her boyfriend is going to start spending weekends at her place. Including weekends our daughter is there.

Aaand...apparently, he spent the night at her place the same night that she introduced him to our child.

Bet you could run a quick back ground check on the guy. If he has a record you may be able to intervene.

You certainly do have a say when it comes to the matter of your daughters well being. Your ex is literally harming, confusing, etc, this child, who is just beginning to cope with her parents divorce.

I'd consult your attorney as to what your legal rights are in regards to protecting your child.

You certainly do have a say when it comes to the matter of your daughters well being. Your ex is literally harming, confusing, etc, this child, who is just beginning to cope with her parents divorce.

 

I'd consult your attorney as to what your legal rights are in regards to protecting your child.

That would be very difficult. The attorney I've been using is the same attorney my ex's mother used when she got divorced and a family friend of theirs.

I can't afford a new attorney at the moment, but I make too much for legal aid.

I don't want to take it to court anyway. More important than whether or not our child is forced into a situation like this is our ability to co-parent effectively, long-term. I'm not about to compromise that by involving the courts.

I'm confident that, in the long run, our child will be okay. I just wish we could work together in this to ensure she has a smooth(ish) and healthy transition into this new phase in her life.