Mother who is always upset

My mother is 61 years old. She likes being on her own. Presence of friends or relatives at home will make her uncomfortable.

I don't stay with her but visit her on holidays. She stays at her house and often visits my sister who lives in a different city. My father passed away 3 years ago and she lives on her own. My grandma and my aunts visit her often as they also live nearby. I don't want to label her as spoil spot but I've noticed a pattern that during festivals and when the family house is with relatives she becomes grumpy and upset for very small things and creates a big issue out of any small things and sends people away. My granma visits her and she is ok for 2 days and the third day she will start picking up on some small things and send her away to her home and this has become a pattern. My grandma is just tolerant because it is her daughter so doesn't take it personally. This time I came to visit her, we were having a good time with family and in-laws and first 3 days was good but the fourth day she started picking up on a very small things my sister did and started looking grumpy. My sister and my mom had a small argument over a cooking recipe and something as trivial as that had upset her and she spoilt the fun of a holiday totally.

She made everyone worry and ask her what was wrong but dint tell the real reason until we begged. 6th day she started crying a lot and started complaining that as daughters me and my sister do not respect her etc.. We are clueless in fact my sister and I have our own issues with our marriages and jobs and we feel our mother is introducing more drama to it. I am scared to think if she has any serious issue with the way she is thinking (imaginations).

Now she is planning to buy a new house for herself which is far away from the city. We have advised her many times that it is not a good idea to stay alone far away from the city because it wont be convenient for many things as she doesn't know driving. But she is adamant that she wants to buy this house. My sister and I are not that financially sound that we can afford a house for ourselves, we are only renting but my mom is in her own house which is big and now she wants to move to an apartment away from the city.

Is this something we can get professional help for? the problem is she WONT get out of the house to a counsellor or anyone as she thinks nothing is wrong with her. I am helpless :(

Note: she has been always like that but things has gotten a bit worse after death of my father. Relationship between my parents hasn't been so great either. They always had problems.

Hey Tanya,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have another post in the "health" section about my mom who is 65 I just updated, I highly suggest you read it. She is going through a medical crisis over a stomach surgery and malnutrition and is losing it a bit mentally. She is confused thinking I intentionally sent her to a hospital but she had an actual health crisis. Her bloodwork was bad and she was becoming incredibly weak, risking organ failure and death. She is 100% convinced nothing is wrong with her and says I did a terrible thing to her and everything. To get her to go to the hospital, she put up a HUGE fight/fuss with me, and I almost had to file paperwork to have the police take her to the hospital...

I totally, 110% understand what you are going through right now. Anything with mental health is VERY scary to deal with. You know, they do act intelligent, competent, etc. but at the same time, they show these small signs of problems. Like your mother becoming slightly irritated by things for no reason, and wanting to alienate friends/family. That's absolutely not good. And she is getting to that age now where you have to look out for mental issues of any kind. I think , based off what you described, she shouldn't be moving anywhere far away from her family if she gets irritable like this. Furthermore, what if something happens to her, and she has no one there close or checking in on her from time to time?

You know, the really sucky situation you are in is that, it's incredibly hard to get care and evaluation for people with mental problems, especially if they don't go willingly. I mean, the amount of resistance and red tape you will face trying to do something about her, you have NO freaking idea. It will take a hell of a lot of convincing for her to get professional help from the sounds of it. And if she doesn't get help willingly, you could face an enormous uphill battle in getting her evaluated or cared for in any way.

If you want her to see a doctor/counselor and she refuses, there is one last thing you can do. Do you live in the States? As far as my state goes (and I think in most states), there is a thing called a "302", also called a "petition for involuntary treatment". It is a court-ordered document that basically takes away your moms personal rights to resist care and they will forcefully take her to a hospital to be evaluated. It's kind of a bad/scary thing, and a lot of nurses/doctors don't even like to speak of it because of legal grounds. If you want to do this, you go to the emergency room of the closest hospital in the country your mom lives in (that's pretty much the only place you can do this). And tell them you want to file a 302 (or petition for involuntary treatment, it may be a different code in your state) to have your mom committed for psychiatric evaluation. A nurse or staff member will help you fill out a form that they will send to the county office. They will ask you 10,000 questions, about things with her competence, health, etc. you kind of have to build a "case" against your mother. Unless the county office deems her incompetent, they will almost certainly deny your request. Because it is a big deal, to take someones personal freedom away.

From the sound of it, it doesn't sound like you have much of a case to build against her. She wants to buy a house, she doesn't like people. That's not enough, in the county or courts eyes, to take away someones freedoms. There has to be more; irresponsibility, reckless behavior (and proof/evidence of it).

Honestly, the system SUCKS BALLS (am I allowed to say that here? because it does). I mean, there needs to be more laws/leniency with things like this. I understand it's personal freedoms, but sometimes when things get into mental health territory, they should be forced to comply. At the bare minimum, when someone is deemed possibly mentally unstable, they should be forced to talk to a therapist, even in their own home. I am my mothers power of attorney. Not just medically, for everything; a notarized letter I paid a lot of money to a big law firm for. And it was useless when I tried to force her to go to the hospital. I barked at them that she was incompetent and the doctors and even medics could do little to help me. She could have died if I didn't get her to the hospital. And yet, I had to face enormous opposition and legal red tape.

So from my experience, I am telling you what you could possibly be in for in caring for your mom. The best thing you can do; try to convince her to speak to a therapist willingly. Or talk to her family doctor; pass a hint on that you are worried about her, and maybe he will discreetly make an appointment to see her and have someone talk to her. Because you're looking at a tremendous, steep uphill battle with preventing her from moving out of town and things if she doesn't cooperate with you or your family. In my case, I did not have to 302 my mother. However, I did file one for my dad once over a year ago. He is a severe alcoholic for life. He was dropping pain meds around the house, threatening to kill the neighbors, driving around drunk and illegally. I put all of that into my 302 request (I wanted him to be placed in involuntarily alcohol rehab), and the county refused it! They would rather let him drive drunk and kill someone drunk driving than be treated for alcoholism. I mean, getting that stuff approved, you have a better chance at finding a briefcase full of a million dollars than having the courts authorize a involuntary treatment document.

My mother is 61 years old. She likes being on her own.

 

Note: she has been always like that but things has gotten a bit worse after death of my father..

^ There's your answer. She likes being on her own. I totally get where she's coming from. I know a few people like this and I know I would be just like her. I like my own company too. I can almost be reclusive and I know when my husband passes on (if he goes before I do), I'd be quite happy living alone and not needing anyone around me. I would probably tolerate visits for a few days and then want my own space again. I get her. If she's happy, then respect that this is just her way.

Hey Tanya,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have another post in the "health" section about my mom who is 65 I just updated, I highly suggest you read it. She is going through a medical crisis over a stomach surgery and malnutrition and is losing it a bit mentally. She is confused thinking I intentionally sent her to a hospital but she had an actual health crisis. Her bloodwork was bad and she was becoming incredibly weak, risking organ failure and death. She is 100% convinced nothing is wrong with her and says I did a terrible thing to her and everything. To get her to go to the hospital, she put up a HUGE fight/fuss with me, and I almost had to file paperwork to have the police take her to the hospital...

I totally, 110% understand what you are going through right now. Anything with mental health is VERY scary to deal with. You know, they do act intelligent, competent, etc. but at the same time, they show these small signs of problems. Like your mother becoming slightly irritated by things for no reason, and wanting to alienate friends/family. That's absolutely not good. And she is getting to that age now where you have to look out for mental issues of any kind. I think , based off what you described, she shouldn't be moving anywhere far away from her family if she gets irritable like this. Furthermore, what if something happens to her, and she has no one there close or checking in on her from time to time?

 

You know, the really sucky situation you are in is that, it's incredibly hard to get care and evaluation for people with mental problems, especially if they don't go willingly. I mean, the amount of resistance and red tape you will face trying to do something about her, you have NO freaking idea. It will take a hell of a lot of convincing for her to get professional help from the sounds of it. And if she doesn't get help willingly, you could face an enormous uphill battle in getting her evaluated or cared for in any way.

If you want her to see a doctor/counselor and she refuses, there is one last thing you can do. Do you live in the States? As far as my state goes (and I think in most states), there is a thing called a "302", also called a "petition for involuntary treatment". It is a court-ordered document that basically takes away your moms personal rights to resist care and they will forcefully take her to a hospital to be evaluated. It's kind of a bad/scary thing, and a lot of nurses/doctors don't even like to speak of it because of legal grounds. If you want to do this, you go to the emergency room of the closest hospital in the country your mom lives in (that's pretty much the only place you can do this). And tell them you want to file a 302 (or petition for involuntary treatment, it may be a different code in your state) to have your mom committed for psychiatric evaluation. A nurse or staff member will help you fill out a form that they will send to the county office. They will ask you 10,000 questions, about things with her competence, health, etc. you kind of have to build a "case" against your mother. Unless the county office deems her incompetent, they will almost certainly deny your request. Because it is a big deal, to take someones personal freedom away.

 

From the sound of it, it doesn't sound like you have much of a case to build against her. She wants to buy a house, she doesn't like people. That's not enough, in the county or courts eyes, to take away someones freedoms. There has to be more; irresponsibility, reckless behavior (and proof/evidence of it).

Honestly, the system SUCKS BALLS (am I allowed to say that here? because it does). I mean, there needs to be more laws/leniency with things like this. I understand it's personal freedoms, but sometimes when things get into mental health territory, they should be forced to comply. At the bare minimum, when someone is deemed possibly mentally unstable, they should be forced to talk to a therapist, even in their own home. I am my mothers power of attorney. Not just medically, for everything; a notarized letter I paid a lot of money to a big law firm for. And it was useless when I tried to force her to go to the hospital. I barked at them that she was incompetent and the doctors and even medics could do little to help me. She could have died if I didn't get her to the hospital. And yet, I had to face enormous opposition and legal red tape.

 

So from my experience, I am telling you what you could possibly be in for in caring for your mom. The best thing you can do; try to convince her to speak to a therapist willingly. Or talk to her family doctor; pass a hint on that you are worried about her, and maybe he will discreetly make an appointment to see her and have someone talk to her. Because you're looking at a tremendous, steep uphill battle with preventing her from moving out of town and things if she doesn't cooperate with you or your family. In my case, I did not have to 302 my mother. However, I did file one for my dad once over a year ago. He is a severe alcoholic for life. He was dropping pain meds around the house, threatening to kill the neighbors, driving around drunk and illegally. I put all of that into my 302 request (I wanted him to be placed in involuntarily alcohol rehab), and the county refused it! They would rather let him drive drunk and kill someone drunk driving than be treated for alcoholism. I mean, getting that stuff approved, you have a better chance at finding a briefcase full of a million dollars than having the courts authorize a involuntary treatment document.

I am absolutely shocked by this post. The woman wants to buy an apartment of her choice in a place of her choice, and the discussion has gone to involuntary treatment for mental illness, and how the system sucks.i take issue also with your comment that at 61 years of age, she's getting to that age where you have to look out for mental issues! Since when were mental issues confined to a specific age, and who says that age group is more at risk. You sound extremely controlling to me. I've worked in disability, aged care, and with people with mental health issues for around 20 years, and seriously man, you need to take some time out and maybe get some counselling for your own perceptions.

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do. Many seniors and widowers/widows prefer to downsize. She's doing what she wants and what's best for her. The kids are grown so why should she have the burden of a house everyone descends on when it bothers her?

My mother is 61 years old. My father passed away 3 years ago and she lives on her own.she wants to move to an apartment away from the city.

It comes to mind that, maybe what I can suggest to handle that kind of thing is accepting for who she is, better to not complaining her why she behave like that. In late age, most of the oldies want to get some piece of mind, so they would like to spending time in their own, perhaps what they most likely to do is remembering the good times and what they used to laugh at, or thinking of how the time has passed. Or if you want to and able to, try to spending more time, and go visit her more often. Have more conversation with her, talk about everything while you both sat on the front porch, because im just guessing that she might needs some understanding and support from people around her.

Hi

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and your situation you have been left with.

I can totally relate to you. My dad passed away almost 3 years ago now and to this day my mum still struggles with day to day life (don't get me wrong, she is a hell of a lot better than before) but I know she struggles deeply. Always sees things with a pessimistic outlook, worries so much about things and gets upset very very easily. We all react differently to grief and if your parents were together a long time (mine were married 44 years) and mum was 61 when dad passed. He was basically her life. You do have to tolerate/accept how she is to a certain extent because you do not know what is going on inside like you said. But on the other hand she really will need a reality check (as hard as it sounds) I had to give my mum some harsh words at one point, to try snap her out of things. Your mum has to realise that life goes on and that she has lots of people around her who love her.

You did mention she wont go to counselling but I would seriously recommend that. Obviously it is going to be very tricky as you said she has said no to this.

All I can recommend is keep talking to her, about every day life and mostly your dad, this could trigger something. She is obviously dealing with things within and struggling to cope. As harsh as it sounds, something might have to give that she does "explode" or just let everything out. I know myself and my mum didn't really talk too much when dad died and it was the worst decision possible. Just try your best to be there for your mum but remember you guys have your own lives to and are not responsible for your mum. She does have her own mind. If she wants to move you can support her. It may be that the house reminds her too much for the past etc, she is only living in it alone??? If it turns out she is making a big mistake all you can do is be there for her as much as you can.

There is only so much you as a person can do. Grief can consume people and you just have to let it ride its course sometimes.

I really hope you guys get through it xx

Completely agree with Capricorn. In fact she may have spoken to an accountant or financial adviser who suggested she downsize. At her age, who wants the taxes, expenses and upkeep of a large house that adult kids feel they can visit for days on end at? She sounds wise, not troubled at all. Support her move and why not visit her in her new place but not stay as long?

I would probably tolerate visits for a few days and then want my own space again. I get her. If she's happy, then respect that this is just her way.

Completely agree with Capricorn. In fact she may have spoken to an accountant or financial adviser who suggested she downsize. At her age, who wants the taxes, expenses and upkeep of a large house that adult kids feel they can visit for days on end at? She sounds wise, not troubled at all. Support her move and why not visit her in her new place but not stay as long?

Wiseman, there is also a practical issue here as well as financial. I speak from experience that large houses create more housework than apartments even if you keep parts closed off because you still need to vacuum and dust, perhaps not as regularly as when they are in use, but still needs to be done. A lot more expense in maintenance as well.

I think that you should realize that houseguests and fish spoil after three days. I think you should visit your mother more than just going for the holiday. Go when there aren't so many people at one time. Stay elsewhere when you go visit - use whatever excuse you need that its business - and take her out - or visit but only spend one night, two at most so you aren't in her hair. Only seeing mom on holidays is a little extreme. I think the argument with the sister was that tensions were high and it really wasn't about the recipe at all. 4 days is a LOT to host people.

Wiseman, there is also a practical issue here as well as financial. I speak from experience that large houses create more housework than apartments even if you keep parts closed off because you still need to vacuum and dust, perhaps not as regularly as when they are in use, but still needs to be done. A lot more expense in maintenance as well.

Not to mention heat.

I think that if mom wants to move to an apartment, that sounds pretty good to me. If she has trouble with getting places, she will figure it out. A lot of places deliver groceries nowadays. Or she will figure out the driving thing.

Thank you all for the advise. I do not have a problem with my mom buying an apartment but the place she has chosen is outskirts of the city and it is almost not possible to get a domestic help or get groceries nearby. People in that apartments usually own a car and drive 15km to the city to buy necessary items. She chose this apartment because my sister and her husband have a house in the same premises but now they as a couple have to move to a different city for work. That leaves my mom alone in the premises and the whole purpose of living nearby my sister is defeated.

I did have a honest chat with my mother for almost 1.5 hrs she was quietly listening. She answers to bro-in-law in a very rude tone sometimes which I requested her to avoid and that triggered her anger and that reversed the whole conversation and made my 1.5 hrs of talk a waste of time. She stormed out slashing the door. She just cannot accept any sort of tiny mistakes on her part and she doesn't like anyone mentioning her shortcomings to her. We can tolerate her anger but in-laws wont and they may take it in an other way.

For example because of this small incident and her anger, the main problem about buying the house and out talk went down the drain.

Thank you all for the advise. I do not have a problem with my mom buying an apartment but the place she has chosen is outskirts of the city and it is almost not possible to get a domestic help or get groceries nearby. People in that apartments usually own a car and drive 15km to the city to buy necessary items. She chose this apartment because my sister and her husband have a house in the same premises but now they as a couple have to move to a different city for work. That leaves my mom alone in the premises and the whole purpose of living nearby my sister is defeated.

I did have a honest chat with my mother for almost 1.5 hrs she was quietly listening. She answers to bro-in-law in a very rude tone sometimes which I requested her to avoid and that triggered her anger and that reversed the whole conversation and made my 1.5 hrs of talk a waste of time. She stormed out slashing the door. She just cannot accept any sort of tiny mistakes on her part and she doesn't like anyone mentioning her shortcomings to her. We can tolerate her anger but in-laws wont and they may take it in an other way.

For example because of this small incident and her anger, the main problem about buying the house and out talk went down the drain.

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That's a normal reaction to your constant criticism, butting in and implying she's wrong and doesn't know what she's doing. Stop picking on her and trying to micromanage her life and perhaps her anger will tone down.

She just cannot accept any sort of tiny mistakes on her part and she doesn't like anyone mentioning her shortcomings to her.

That's a normal reaction to your constant criticism, butting in and implying she's wrong and doesn't know what she's doing. Stop picking on her and trying to micromanage her life and perhaps her anger will tone down.

And she did listen quietly to you again for an hour and a half going over again why you believe she shouldn't buy the home she wants to. That's more tolerance than a lot of people would show.

She answers to bro-in-law in a very rude tone sometimes which I requested her to avoid and that triggered her anger and that reversed the whole conversation and made my 1.5 hrs of talk a waste of time. .

Your mother isn't your child and she is not someone who has severe learning disabilities that you have to constantly teach. I would certainly not react well if someone has rewarded my hour of listening and hearing you out by a scolding me for a tone of voice you perceived that may or not have been. This woman cannot win. She wants to downsize. She is moving near your sister, and then they plan to up and move. The only way to get anyone to visit is for a 4 day stay that is too long, etc.

I think you have to let your mother do what she is going to do -- but "letting" implies that you have a choice. Just because you don't know anyone who will bring her groceries doesn't mean there isn't someone. Little tiny towns typically at least have a convenience store if not a major store. And if she is out in the country, there are tons of farmstands, little mom and pop businesses where she can get the basic eggs, vegatables, etc.

You keep talking about your mom's "shortcomings". Why can't you just accept mom is who she is -- she loves her privacy and her quiet. She does not like being imposed upon and told what to do like she is incompetent. if you want to show you care, leave out constantly correcting her and do something actually nice. Order her online a few treats she likes that aren't perishable to arrive at her new place by mail. And accept who she is.

"mom. I support whatever you decide. I was only worried about you because Sister is moving out of state and you won't be near a grocery store. If you have figured out how to get groceries, i think your idea is lovely. I am sorry that i criticized and snapped at you. maybe that's the only way i know to show concern and i kind of goofed up. "

you forget that somehow, your mom graduated from school, raised a family, kept her children alive, etc, successfully. She can go live in an apartment of the location of her choosing successfully, too. The more you try to control her, the more fraught your relationship will be.