Setting Boundaries in a Relationship (HELP)

First time poster looking for a little advice or just someone to talk to about a wrinkle in my relationship that I at times have some difficulty dealing with.

My partner and I are in a monogamous relationship. We have been dating for a little over a year and have recently moved in together and everything is going great. Except for one little thing... And this could just be jealousy and insecurity on my part but I wanted to get others opinions but do not want to talk to family or friends about it because it very well could change the way they look at my partner.

Before we met she spent a year abroad and eventually moved in with a couple who practiced polyamory. She was the secondary partner in this couples relationship but became a part of their lives both intimately and emotionally. She returned home 3 years ago and still keeps in touch with them. However, a majority (+90%) of the contact is with the male which I am not thrilled about. I have discussed this with her and she says that there is nothing there and that they became life long friends while she was living with them. I understand this to an extent since a year spent abroad can be a life changing experience and this would inevitably create strong bonds.

Because I love her, trust her, and due to the fact this couple is across the ocean I have not made any sort of requests that she stop communication. I do not want to be the controlling partner who limits who his significant other communicates with. Her friends, the poly couple recently set a wedding date and invited her. I am invited as well. However, I do not want to attend the wedding of a couple who has been inviting my partner to come visit them, without me, up until this most recent announcement.

So I guess my questions would be..

- Am I just being jealous / insecure for having feelings of resentment when she communicates with them at all? Or would others be able to look past this and be alright with their partner continuing to have a friendship with those she was once intimate?

- Since this is a poly couple who is willing to let her stay with them when she returns for the wedding. Would you be alright with your partner going to the wedding without you, knowing they could very well try to engage her sexually since the couple has in the past and is comfortable sharing. (I have not told her I am not going yet as we were invited not long ago. But when I do I am going to communicate that I would not be comfortable with her attending either)

** I know that I could have communicated this to my partner more clearly in the past. It did not bother me so much until the wedding invite was sent out recently. I am just looking for some feedback from the peanut gallery as to whether I me asking her to stop communicating with this couple would be a controlling act or if these are reasonable requests to build a happy / healthy relationship?

Thanks!!

I'm not sure why you wouldn't go with her? It certainly would stave off any fears your having about her getting in bed with either of them if you're there keeping her in bed with you and only you.

As for stopping communication: I wouldn't ask her to quit but I would communicate to her that her continued contact with this man, in your opinion, is disrespectful to you and yours/hers relationship together and let her know how you feel using your 'I' words so that you're telling her your thoughts and feelings and not putting her on the defensive by accusing her or demanding that she do anything (but you do want her to think about how her interaction with them makes you feel) *Its tricky, I know* Make a decision to end communication hers because she agrees with you about it being disrespectful rather then her end up feeling resentful of you for being controlling. If she starts to talk about it then just tell her that she knows how you feel and it's up to her what she does with that information knowing how it hurts you.

... and again, why wouldn't you go with her to the wedding, meet them and see how they interact as a non-sexual triad? Your fears may be totally unfounded once you see that they are platonic only.

Thanks for commenting. I suppose attending the wedding is something I should be more open to. I think it is just my pride that is getting in the way at the moment. There have been multiple messages he has sent that indicates to me he does not respect our current relationship "come visit, we miss our fun with you ; )" " Ill pay for your flight, come play" -- Obviously she has not taken them up on this offer since we have been together. But the fact that this was messaged even though she is in a relationship makes me not want to meet them or celebrate their wedding vows.

I think this is like having contact with any ex. If you trust her then you let her make her own choices about who she talks to. If you can't trust her then why are you with her?

If you are worried about her connection with these other people then why wouldn't you go to the wedding? You might find that you feel a lot better when you meet these people and see how she is with them. Hell, they might even turn out to be friends of yours in the future. To me? it sounds like you want to limit your partner because of your (unfounded) insecurities. Which I think is a crappy way to treat someone you love.

For reference point I am poly.

I think you need to be honest with yourself. You contradicted yourself.

If you actually loved and trusted her as you say you wouldn't have these concerns.

You would know that no matter what happened she would remain faithful.

Therefore, either you don't trust her or you have personal issues to resolve that have nothing to do with her.

It sounds as though you are judging them for their lifestyle too and the reason for not going to the wedding with her is lame.

Thanks for commenting. I suppose attending the wedding is something I should be more open to. I think it is just my pride that is getting in the way at the moment. There have been multiple messages he has sent that indicates to me he does not respect our current relationship "come visit, we miss our fun with you ; )" " Ill pay for your flight, come play" -- Obviously she has not taken them up on this offer since we have been together. But the fact that this was messaged even though she is in a relationship makes me not want to meet them or celebrate their wedding vows.

You should swallow your pride and go because to not go when you're feeling this insecure is you just cutting off your nose to spite your face... and after the wedding you should definitely tell your wife how disrespectful he is to your MONOGAMOUS relationship and to you, her significant other.

You might also explain to her that true friends would not hone in on a monogamous relationship like that out of respect for the friendship and the dynamic of monogamy that she has chosen. Your partner should be shutting down any of the kind of conversation and if she's not, then its no wonder why you're feeling the way you do.

Thanks for commenting. I suppose attending the wedding is something I should be more open to. I think it is just my pride that is getting in the way at the moment. There have been multiple messages he has sent that indicates to me he does not respect our current relationship "come visit, we miss our fun with you ; )" " Ill pay for your flight, come play" -- Obviously she has not taken them up on this offer since we have been together. But the fact that this was messaged even though she is in a relationship makes me not want to meet them or celebrate their wedding vows.

She could be putting out clearer boundaries. I think it's fair to ask that she respond to that kind of invitation with "I'm in a mono relationship and I need you to respect that for us to keep in contact."

Imho

I did say that my predicament could be down to insecurities. Part of those insecurities are due to the fact that this individual does not seem to care that she is in a mono relationship (per my follow up post)

Regarding their lifestyle. I am by no means judging them for how they choose to live and love. Everyone has different needs.

Maybe I would be better of going and meeting as other posters have commented. My initial reaction was not to since I have a bad taste in my mouth because of his lack of respect for her current relationship.

BUT that is why i decided to create this thread. I needed others insights since I knew I was becoming a little narrow minded about attending but will definitely be more open to it after discussing with my SO.

Thanks,

Well, to be fair, it's your partner's job to put up boundaries with him. If she doesn't tell him that his come ons aren't appropriate for her current relationship he isn't going to know. If she has clearly told him that and he keeps doing it, then it's up to her to end the contact because of his lack of respect for her current situation.

This is an issue with your partner, not with him. It's your partner that is causing the bad taste in your mouth around him, she needs to be clear with him, out of respect for your relationship.

I see why you're nervous and upset about their continued friendship because of the messages this guy is sending your girl.

I think it's unreasonable for you to forbid her to go to the wedding - you should go with her so you can keep an eye on the poly couple, but of course be pleasant and have a good time.

I agree with an above poster that your girlfriend should be setting clear boundaries, i.e. "hey, I'm in a monogamous relationship and I need you to respect that."

I see why you're nervous and upset about their continued friendship because of the messages this guy is sending your girl.

 

I think it's unreasonable for you to forbid her to go to the wedding - you should go with her so you can keep an eye on the poly couple, but of course be pleasant and have a good time.

 

I agree with an above poster that your girlfriend should be setting clear boundaries, i.e. "hey, I'm in a monogamous relationship and I need you to respect that."

I agree that it would be unreasonable for me to forbid her to do anything. My initial thought was that I would communicate to her that I would not be happy about her attending.

However, maybe I will go. I will have to talk to her about exactly how I feel and try to zero in a little more clearly on what this friendship means to her. Also, as a previous poster commented request that she more clearly rebukes advances rather than ignoring them all together.

I agree that it would be unreasonable for me to forbid her to do anything. My initial thought was that I would communicate to her that I would not be happy about her attending.

 

However, maybe I will go. I will have to talk to her about exactly how I feel and try to zero in a little more clearly on what this friendship means to her. Also, as a previous poster commented request that she more clearly rebukes advances rather than ignoring them all together.

I think you're on the right track here.

Yes I was taking crazy pills. I needed to take a step back.

Thanks everyone

I would go with her. Or neither of you go. But i would ask her to communicate to the man that she is in a monogamous relationship and therefore she wishes any communication to be with the female of the couple.

I do *not* think you are crazy.

Since this is a poly couple who is willing to let her stay with them when she returns for the wedding. Would you be alright with your partner going to the wedding without you, knowing they could very well try to engage her sexually since the couple has in the past and is comfortable sharing. (I have not told her I am not going yet as we were invited not long ago. But when I do I am going to communicate that I would not be comfortable with her attending either)

I think its out of line for ANYONE to stay with the newlyweds during their nuptials/wedding night. The exception is relatives staying at their home while the couple is at a hotel, etc.

Its completely inappropriate in my books, much less staying with a couple that previously "shared" you

I would want to know how she now feels about being in a polyamory relationship -if that interests her and to what extent because if you're going to be with her long term you should know that. It sounds like they're getting married and are agreeing to have sex with other people too. So naturally if she stays with them it's her playing with fire knowing all she knows including her past with them.

Just talk to her and tell her your concerns. Communication is the most important thing here. Is she still poly? If not, trust her. Why not go with her as her date?

I agree that it would be unreasonable for me to forbid her to do anything. My initial thought was that I would communicate to her that I would not be happy about her attending.

 

However, maybe I will go. I will have to talk to her about exactly how I feel and try to zero in a little more clearly on what this friendship means to her. Also, as a previous poster commented request that she more clearly rebukes advances rather than ignoring them all together.

There is a difference between forbidding and saying "i am not cool with you spending the night with a couple you previously had a relationship with." You can have boundaries of how you will be treated or or not treated.

So, OP: Have you discussed this with your partner yet?